Nestlé Files Lawsuit Claiming Moon Has No Legal Right to Water

Posted on by Andy Holt

ARLINGTON, Va. — Nestlé USA announced a lawsuit against the round astronomical body orbiting Earth, claiming the mass has no inherent legal right to possess water on its surface.

“Water is no different from any other consumer product, like candy or the air we breathe. The idea that the Moon should get it for free is ludicrous. What’s next, free medicine?” said the legal counsel in their initial statement. “Whatever ice may be trapped in the surface of that greedy white circle in the sky, it belongs in the safe hands of private enterprise.”

Nestlé has faced criticism over exploitative practices, both toward the environment and the people who live near their water sites. Sources inside the company insisted that their motives were purely humanitarian.

“Our company is dedicated to making water available for everyone who can pay us for it, or else poor people who we think would look good in advertisements,” said a source who requested anonymity, as they were not authorized to speak about future plans. “Speaking of which, once this lawsuit is done, we might buy the right to put the Moon in a commercial.”

When told the image of the Moon was public domain, the source cut the interview short.

“Not any more it isn’t,” they said. “I need to get legal back on the phone.”

Cashier Who Doesn’t Get Paid Enough to Stop Shoplifting Considering Getting Into It Themself

Posted on by Anna Walsh

CICERO, Ill. — Underpaid Target cashier and generally exhausted person Paolo Morte is considering getting into stealing goods from his place of employment after realizing local shoplifters technically make more in one hour than he does in one shift.

“The first time I noticed someone shoplifting, I went to intervene, but stopped when I realized I make $8 an hour and have no health insurance. If this guy had a knife or even just gave me a black eye, I’d have a medical bill that would leave me homeless,” said Morte, a keyholder at his local Target franchise. “It’s an uneasy truce I have with the more regular thieves, but I’m picking up a few inside secrets by just letting them go. I’m thinking I could slowly but surely refurnish my whole apartment if I just grab one thing at the end of every shift.”

One of these “regulars,” Kay Blanchette, stands with the cashiers.

“I’m not saying I don’t have the magic hands to get the job done, but I sure am grateful for these folks who turn a blind eye so that I can get the fancy kombucha,” Blanchette said. “I actually worked as a cashier for about five years before I realized I would have a better quality of life shoplifting most things I own or consume, even with the occasional run in with mall cops — who are entirely willing to accept even the most modest bribe.”

However, employee relations representative Candace Cremini takes a harder stance on her employee’s loss prevention techniques.

“We here at Target pay all of our employees a fair, living wage. The hourly rate for the average worker is enough for one case of eggs, a pack of one-ply toilet paper, and five boxes of delicious Market Pantry Mac n’ Cheese. That is, of course, with the generous 40% employee discount we offer,” Cremini explained. “Frankly, it’s impossible to raise wages when nearly $400 of merchandise walks out the door on a yearly basis. Perhaps if our employees worked a little harder to catch these vicious criminals, we’d be able to inch toward $1.05 more per hour over the next five years, but I guess some people just don’t care about moving up.”

At press time, several young men in inside-out red shirts were carting several large boxes and a bunch of bananas to their cars.

47-Year-Old CPA Not Sure What to Make of MTV Finally Responding to His “Jackass” Audition Tape

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

PARKER, Colo. — Middle-aged CPA Ken Feeney has no idea what to think today after MTV enthusiastically responded to a “humiliating” and “stomach-churning” audition tape for “Jackass” he made two decades ago that aired last night.

“Like a lot of Millennials, I completely disregarded the advisory warning and instead tried to imitate everything I saw on ‘Jackass.’ I even sent a tape of my stunts to MTV, even though the opening title card expressly said they would not look at it — I sure as shit didn’t think they would reach out two decades later to discuss me starring in a reboot of the show,” said Feeney. “Do you know how embarrassing it is that they showed that on national television? 20 years ago, I would’ve given my left nut to be on ‘Jackass.’ In fact, I almost did when I stapled my ball sac to my leg. But now? I’m a grown man with a career and a family. This will ruin my life.”

Although unaware of the tape’s existence, Feeney’s immediate supervisor Anna Sellers noted some unusual changes in Feeney’s work performance recently.

“Ken has been acting very squirrelly. He’s been talking a lot about how he doesn’t own a TV and keeps trying to convince everyone else to throw theirs out… or at the very least, switch their cable provider to Comcast so ‘our brains aren’t poisoned by Viacom channels,’” explained Sellers. “And he keeps asking weird hypotheticals like, ‘Could you still respect someone if you saw them eat a dog turd?’ Or, ‘Would you still consider someone for a promotion even if they once idolized Bam Margera?’ It’s very strange.”

MTV executive Shakira Pierson elaborated on the potential “Jackass” reboot.

“After years of putting it off, I finally started working through the huge backlog of ‘Jackass’ tapes we’ve received over the years. We were incredibly impressed with Ken Feeney’s enthusiasm, charisma, and artistry,” said Pierson. “The man is like Picasso, but with a roman candle up his ass. We knew we had to air his stunts right away, as well as offer him a spot on the new show.”

Since the tape aired, Feeney has been pleasantly surprised to see his business nearly triple, with many new customers wishing to have their taxes prepared by “the dude who stuck his dick in a curling iron.”

Undecided Voters Debate Whether to Burn Cross or Nail Themselves to It

Posted on by Kaitlyn Jeffers

STEVENS POINT, Wisc. — Undecided voters across the U.S. are racking their brains this week trying to decide whether to burn crosses or simply nail themselves to them in considering a number of issues, according to sources counting down the days until November 3rd.

“The options in front of us are tough, but I’m no racist, and I personally have never burned a cross before. But if I have to choose a side, I suppose my ideals lean closer to that one than admitting that an entire race of people simply matter the same as anyone else,” said a man who requested anonymity for fear of alienation from his Black and Hispanic coworkers and neighbors. “It’s a heritage thing, really. This country has a long tradition of cross-burning, and if we let go of our racist identity, then what do we become? Germany? I can’t speak German. It’s intimidating. They have like, 20 letters in every word.”

Of the U.S. electorate who have not died from COVID-19, police brutality, starvation, homelessness, or falling asleep on their gun over the past six months, roughly 13% are unsure which side to stand on.

“Look, I’m a Christian: I was raised Christian, my family is Christian, and I wanna die Christian like Jesus did — nailed to a cross,” said Jessica Schroeder, a mother of 17 and devout Christian. “Except instead of a cross made of wood for the sins of humanity, I’ll just commit to argue in favor of fracking until my grandkids die, which shouldn’t be too far off. But if anyone tries to make us pay more in taxes to help the poor, feed the hungry, or care for the sick, then we’re all going to crucify each other as a family, literally. My husband has the tools.”

Meanwhile undecided voters on the left have committed to focusing on entirely the wrong things in their decision making process.

“It’s tough, because I’m a Union guy, so I’m definitely in favor of creating more crucifixion jobs. But also I grew up in a Conservative family, so burning a cross just feels comfortable,” said dairyman Aaron Kreuger. “I disagree with absolutely everything that cross-burning stands for — hell, I’m not even white. But I don’t know… there’s just something about nailing yourself to a cross that reminds me of the Romans, and all I can think of is higher taxes. I’m so undecided!”

At press time, several undecided voters were seen walking face-first into a wall in their basements, repeatedly.

Opinion: Today’s Divorce Hearing Is BYOB, Right?

Posted on by Steve Esparra

Okay, let’s cut right down to business here. Is this divorce hearing BYOB, open bar, or, (ugh) a cash bar? It’s not a big deal either way, I just need to know if I have to pack my cooler or not. I have some high end beers I’ve been saving for an occasion, so if it’s BYOB I just gotta get them in the fridge and cool down some ice packs and I’ll be good to go!

Don’t get me wrong, I’d love it if this were an open bar affair, like the affair my wife (oh, excuse me, ex-wife) had with her yoga instructor. That way I could slip the court-appointed bartender a 20 spot at the beginning and tell him he’s my guy for the rest of the night. But if it’s a BYOB thing, I should probably go ahead and pack my flask, too.

And don’t even get me started on the cash bar at the last hearing we had at her lawyer’s office. Come on. How tacky can you be? I told them from here on out don’t invite me to these things unless the alcohol situation is very clear prior to scheduling. I shouldn’t even have to ask this question, but you know divorce layers. Always squeezing you for every penny.

Funny, she never seemed to care how much I was drinking when we were together. Weird how that works, right? All she cared about was money. “You’re spending too much on non-essentials, where does all our money go, where are the kids’ bikes?” Blah blah blah. You get the idea. Now all of a sudden I show up ready to divide our assets and she can’t answer one simple question about the logistics of how I’m going to get loaded in court.

Speaking of our assets, if she thinks she’s getting even one bottle from my beer cellar, she is in for a rude awakening. I’ll open them all with a sabre before I let her get her greedy little hands on my hard-earned collectibles. Maybe I need to treat this like a good old fashioned ISO:FT negotiation. She wants custody of our kids, Porter and Stella, so maybe I tug on those heartstrings and say, “Alright, you want the kids, I want my beer collection. Even swap.”

On second thought, I’ll go ahead and pack the cooler and bring it anyway. If I have to leave it in the car, so be it. I’ll just keep taking breaks with an empty coffee cup for refills. Let this be a lesson to all you divorcees out there. Any event can be BYOB if you try hard enough.

Omar Rodríguez-López Writes, Records, Releases Album Between Two Sips of Coffee

Posted on by John Danek

BAYAMÓN, Puerto Rico — At the Drive-In and The Mars Volta guitarist Omar Rodríguez-López created and released an entire 49-minute prog-punk album in mere seconds early this morning, sunken-eyed bandmates reported.

“I had a vision of a concept album about an ancient golem reincarnated into the body of a little girl in rural Cambodia during breakfast. When I was done recording, my coffee was still hot,” explained the prolific Rodríguez-López. “I don’t know why everyone makes such a big deal out of my creative output. I birth my full-length albums just like any other self-respecting musician: one every single day, for my entire life.”

Rodríguez-López’s bandmates are struggling to keep up.

“My brother Omar has always been like this. But it’s getting worse, and I need some goddamn sleep,” reported a shell-shocked Marcel Rodríguez-López, who plays keyboards in his brother’s band. “You never know when he’s going to call in the middle of the night and demand a B-flat Mixolydian vamp for 23 1/2 bars for the bridge of some song he came up with while half-asleep. The closest I get to rest is pretending to listen to something in my bongos and sneaking a few winks, but that’s hardly sustainable.”

Only Omar Rodríguez-López’s most diehard fans can handle the voluminous supply of his high-grade jazz/rock/punk freakouts.

“It’s just, you know… a day or two passes, and you haven’t heard anything new for a minute, and you just start to get a little on edge. Like, when am I gonna get my re-up, man? Fucking when?!” shouted Derek Malakas, admin for The Comatorium web forum. “I bought Omar’s signature Ernie Ball guitar to get through the weekend, but I suck at guitar and it’s just not cutting it. Do you have new music? Can you give me some? I’ll pay top dollar. Come on, I’m good for it, I swear.”

Omar Rodríguez-López’s torrid pace continued through the day with a new triple-album with longtime collaborator Cedric Bixler-Zavala, followed by a new, original soundtrack for Alejandro Jodorowsky’s classic arthouse film “El Topo,” all while on hold during a phone call to his bank.

Democrats Introduce Bill to Condemn Coronavirus

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and Senator Chuck Schumer have introduced a bill that, if passed, would condemn COVID-19 as a “very bad pandemic,” according to those familiar with their teams.

“The coronavirus is very very bad, and that’s why we need to address it head-on and immediately. Which is why we have introduced this bill to officially, as a government, label it as bad,” said Chuck Schumer at a press conference this morning. “We need to do everything we can to defeat the coronavirus — and by ‘we,’ I mean ‘you.’ You need to do everything you can to defeat the coronavirus. And by that I mean voting for Democrats. So that we can defeat the coronavirus… by empowering you to defeat the coronavirus. Which, again, is very bad — if this bill passes.”

The proposed bill received mixed reactions from Democrats online, with many praising Pelosi and Schumer for taking on Trump, and other, non-wealthy constituents feeling that it did not go far enough.

“If the bill passes, I get to print out a certificate confirming that COVID-19 is officially bad. Not really sure how my landlord is going to feel about that taking the place of my rent this month,” said Arizona resident Maria Gomez. “I guess when I called up Chuck Schumer’s office begging that he do ‘literally anything’ to help me not get evicted, I didn’t actually mean ‘literally’ anything. I wanted a pretty specific thing: money.”

Republicans in Congress have been quick to attack the proposed bill by Democrats.

“I will put a gun to my fucking head and pull the fucking trigger, letting my brain splatter all over my poor, helpless family before I let these Demoncrats pass a bill calling COVID-19 bad,” explained Senator Roy Blunt on the floor of the Senate. “This is an obvious attack on President Donald Trump; they want to pin something that happened in his administration as ‘bad.’ There is absolutely no proof that the coronavirus is bad — unless it came from China, in which case, we can all agree it was an act of the purist evil.”

As of press time, Pelosi and Schumer tried to get Republicans to compromise on a bill that at least confirms that COVID-19 is “not good.”

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Transphobe Who Claimed to Identify as Attack Helicopter Destroyed by U.S. Airforce

Posted on by Zoe Grobman

WARMINSTER, Pa. — Local transphobe Graham Webb, 34, has reportedly died after an AGM-114 Hellfire Missile fired from an MQ-9 Reaper Drone owned by the United States Airforce dropped on his house, due to Webb repeatedly asserting that he “sexually identified as an attack helicopter.”

“People need to learn to take a joke,” Webb was heard saying just before the United States Airforce, fearing that he was an enemy combatant helicopter, opened fire on his home. “It’s like, you don’t have to make your gender your whole personality, you know? That’s why I’m trying to spread the word with this pin on my jacket, which reads ‘My Pronouns are WHRR/BRRR.’”

Aspen Jenson, a trans woman who worked with Webb at a copy shop for the past three years, said that Webb made the joke almost constantly.

“Every time we’d be in the break room together, he’d bump into me with his arms spread out like propellers and then tell me I’m being a bigot,” explained Jenson. “He was super annoying, always misgendering me and insulting the various social justice actions I would participate in. Every time I’d walk past his desk, he was clearly just browsing Reddit. Still, I don’t think it’s right that the U.S. Government extrajudicially killed him. Even if the drone attendant happened to be trans.”

Questions as to why Webb was seen as a national security threat were addressed at a press conference this afternoon by U.S. Airforce Secretary Pat Brennan. 

“While conducting routine military surveillance of protesters, we were alerted to an individual purporting to be a military vehicle,” he said. “While we could not confirm the veracity of his statements, we know that if there was indeed an attack helicopter living amongst us, this would constitute a grave threat to national security. As such, out of an abundance of caution, we decided the appropriate action would be to launch a preemptive strike”.

When questioned as to the Airforce’s response to the 54 children at the kindergarten next to Webb’s house who also died in the explosion, Brennan mumbled something about human shields and quickly ended the press conference.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Classic Rock Song Downloaded?

Posted on by Krissy Howard

CHATTANOOGA, Tenn. — Local woman Denise Giorgeschi was “utterly shocked” yesterday after finding an mp3 file of AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” downloaded onto a technological device in the year 2020, according to sources.

“I was on a little road trip with this guy I’d been seeing for a few months. It was our first trip together, so I was pretty excited,” Giorgeschi recalled. “He handed me his phone and said to ‘find whatever’ music to play… and that’s when I saw it, right there. It wasn’t even part of some ironic playlist or anything. Why the fuck would someone use up room on their shitty phone to store a song that’s been playing on the radio every minute of every day for the last 40 years?”

A cursory search through the phone revealed a much more serious issue than Giorgeschi initially assumed.

“I thought maybe it was some one-time thing, or like, maybe someone downloaded it to prank him or something. But when I kept scrolling, I found more — ‘Ramble On,’ ‘Dream On,’ ‘Hotel California.’ I mean, ‘Hotel California?’ Seriously? Give me the faintest FM signal and a twisty knob and I can find you ‘Hotel California’ in three minutes… five, tops,” she said. “This is just like that guy who went to Applebee’s even when he didn’t have a gift card, all over again. I really don’t know how I keep attracting these same types of guys. My therapist is gonna have a field day with this.”

Clinical psychologist Dr. Moira Banks confirmed that downloading songs played on the radio every day for over 25 years is a condition that should be taken seriously.

“Medically speaking, the downloading of any music with so many streaming options currently available, let alone songs that can be heard playing at Dave & Busters at any time of the day, would be enough to classify a person as ‘totally weird,’ if not a ‘total fucking psychopath,” Dr. Banks explained. “Studies have shown that those who download classic rock songs prefer Redbox over standard streaming services, and will likely never stop quoting Cheech and Chong’s ‘Up in Smoke.’”

At press time, Giorgeschi had made it back to her car, where she played the same burned copy of Nirvana “Unplugged” that’s been in her car’s CD player since 2008.

Lowe’s Manager Sick of Slipknot Percussionist Testing Garbage Cans, Never Buying One

Posted on by John Danek

DES MOINES, Iowa — Local Lowe’s manager Darrell Winchester removed Slipknot percussionist Shawn “Clown” Crahan from the store again last week after he spent hours testing garbage bins without making a purchase.

“Every weekend Slipknot isn’t touring, Clown’s here taking up space and resources: he asks some employee to pull a few cans down from the shelves, then sits there for hours playing ‘In the Air Tonight’ or ‘We Will Rock You’ using some big ass mallets he brought from home,” explained Winchester. “This isn’t a rehearsal space — we’re trying to run a business here. People come for our friendly service and expertise in all areas of home improvement, not to hear some weirdo in a prison jumpsuit and a mask play the same few drum lines over and over again.”

However, Crahan insisted that nothing will stop him in his quest for quality tone.

“Only a fucking idiot thinks all trash cans sound the same. They’re made of various polymers and synthetic plastic blends that all resonate differently,” explained Crahan, whose YouTube channel named “The Quest for Trash Tone” is growing steadily. “A trashist — that’s what we trash can players call ourselves — is defined by his or her tone. And while Rubbermaid gives you that classic American thump, I’m also intrigued by the more boutique offerings coming from Carlisle and Safco.”

Des Moines officials note that Slipknot’s percussion section has had a dramatic impact on the city’s business landscape.

“The various drummers of Slipknot have a heavy gravitational pull on our city’s resources. Did you know we now have the single biggest sledgehammer industry in the midwest?” said Kayla Denny, spokesperson for the Des Moines Chamber of Commerce. “But it’s not all good — every school marching band has a surplus of trashcan drumline players. When will Slipknot add some woodwinds so we can get some balance? How many times can a halftime show feature ‘Duality?’”

In related news, Waste Management branches throughout the Des Moines metro have enacted restraining orders against Crahan after repeated acts of trespassing to ask employees if they “want to jam sometime.”