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Opinion: Today’s Divorce Hearing Is BYOB, Right?

Okay, let’s cut right down to business here. Is this divorce hearing BYOB, open bar, or, (ugh) a cash bar? It’s not a big deal either way, I just need to know if I have to pack my cooler or not. I have some high end beers I’ve been saving for an occasion, so if it’s BYOB I just gotta get them in the fridge and cool down some ice packs and I’ll be good to go!

Don’t get me wrong, I’d love it if this were an open bar affair, like the affair my wife (oh, excuse me, ex-wife) had with her yoga instructor. That way I could slip the court-appointed bartender a 20 spot at the beginning and tell him he’s my guy for the rest of the night. But if it’s a BYOB thing, I should probably go ahead and pack my flask, too.

And don’t even get me started on the cash bar at the last hearing we had at her lawyer’s office. Come on. How tacky can you be? I told them from here on out don’t invite me to these things unless the alcohol situation is very clear prior to scheduling. I shouldn’t even have to ask this question, but you know divorce layers. Always squeezing you for every penny.

Funny, she never seemed to care how much I was drinking when we were together. Weird how that works, right? All she cared about was money. “You’re spending too much on non-essentials, where does all our money go, where are the kids’ bikes?” Blah blah blah. You get the idea. Now all of a sudden I show up ready to divide our assets and she can’t answer one simple question about the logistics of how I’m going to get loaded in court.

Speaking of our assets, if she thinks she’s getting even one bottle from my beer cellar, she is in for a rude awakening. I’ll open them all with a sabre before I let her get her greedy little hands on my hard-earned collectibles. Maybe I need to treat this like a good old fashioned ISO:FT negotiation. She wants custody of our kids, Porter and Stella, so maybe I tug on those heartstrings and say, “Alright, you want the kids, I want my beer collection. Even swap.”

On second thought, I’ll go ahead and pack the cooler and bring it anyway. If I have to leave it in the car, so be it. I’ll just keep taking breaks with an empty coffee cup for refills. Let this be a lesson to all you divorcees out there. Any event can be BYOB if you try hard enough.