PARKER, Colo. — Middle-aged CPA Ken Feeney has no idea what to think today after MTV enthusiastically responded to a “humiliating” and “stomach-churning” audition tape for “Jackass” he made two decades ago that aired last night.
“Like a lot of Millennials, I completely disregarded the advisory warning and instead tried to imitate everything I saw on ‘Jackass.’ I even sent a tape of my stunts to MTV, even though the opening title card expressly said they would not look at it — I sure as shit didn’t think they would reach out two decades later to discuss me starring in a reboot of the show,” said Feeney. “Do you know how embarrassing it is that they showed that on national television? 20 years ago, I would’ve given my left nut to be on ‘Jackass.’ In fact, I almost did when I stapled my ball sac to my leg. But now? I’m a grown man with a career and a family. This will ruin my life.”
Although unaware of the tape’s existence, Feeney’s immediate supervisor Anna Sellers noted some unusual changes in Feeney’s work performance recently.
“Ken has been acting very squirrelly. He’s been talking a lot about how he doesn’t own a TV and keeps trying to convince everyone else to throw theirs out… or at the very least, switch their cable provider to Comcast so ‘our brains aren’t poisoned by Viacom channels,’” explained Sellers. “And he keeps asking weird hypotheticals like, ‘Could you still respect someone if you saw them eat a dog turd?’ Or, ‘Would you still consider someone for a promotion even if they once idolized Bam Margera?’ It’s very strange.”
MTV executive Shakira Pierson elaborated on the potential “Jackass” reboot.
“After years of putting it off, I finally started working through the huge backlog of ‘Jackass’ tapes we’ve received over the years. We were incredibly impressed with Ken Feeney’s enthusiasm, charisma, and artistry,” said Pierson. “The man is like Picasso, but with a roman candle up his ass. We knew we had to air his stunts right away, as well as offer him a spot on the new show.”
Since the tape aired, Feeney has been pleasantly surprised to see his business nearly triple, with many new customers wishing to have their taxes prepared by “the dude who stuck his dick in a curling iron.”