IRVINE, Calif. — Fastidious and strict Irvine Public High School Principal Gene Jensen was assaulted at work yesterday by the hair metal band Goldenrod while he was just trying to provide an education to America’s youth, terrified faculty and staff report.
“It was easily the most scared I’ve ever been… and that includes the time I went on the Knott’s Berry Farm haunted hayride. I was telling one of our more troublesome students to straighten up and fly right when these men in spandex and make-up broke down the door and tied me to a chair with my own tie,” Jensen said after being freed. “It was awful. One of them used drum sticks to knock the books off my shelf while I watched helplessly.”
“I don’t need this! I dedicate my life to education, and this is how I’m thanked?” Jensen asked rhetorically. “This isn’t even the first time it happened. It seems like every week, some fringe-jacketed weirdo tears apart our library.”
For their part, members of Goldenrod didn’t see anything wrong with their behavior.
“Man, I’m so, so sorry if we disrupted the indoctrination factory,” said frontman Biff Moss while dancing provocatively with Ms. Bastion, a gorgeous blonde English teacher. “Goldenrod came to party, and that is exactly what we’re going to do, baby! All we did was rip off his toupee, snap his suspenders and make a little mess — all harmless fun. Our guitarist didn’t know his solo would shatter the dude’s glasses.”
Hair metal criminologists noted that this was not an isolated incident.
“All over America, we’re getting reports of roving gangs of hair metal bands attacking educators,” explained Candace Sadinski, a professor of Education Leadership at Stanford. “Sure, principals and vice-principals might not be considered ‘cool’ or ‘hip,’ but they’re doing their best and don’t deserve this treatment. These monsters are carving their band’s name into desks and writing ‘school sux’ in textbooks, and somehow, the teachers are the bad guys.”
While Principal Jensen only has one more semester until he can retire, he fears his heart cannot handle another surprise pyrotechnic blast.