Man Can’t Throw Away PS2 Multitap in Case Three Friends Want to Get Together and Play a Few Rounds of ‘Twisted Metal: Black’

Posted on by Jon Ruggiero

PARMA, Ohio —  Local game collector Steve Yalper is dutifully holding on to his vintage PlayStation 2 Multitap in case up to three of his friends decide they want to swing by his place and play some Twisted Metal: Black.

“I don’t even have a PlayStation 2,” explained Yalper. “But when you see something like this for $2 at a Goodwill, you gotta purchase it, you know? What if I find a PS2, a copy of Tekken Tag Tournament, four controllers, and three other people also interested in those things? I’d be out of luck!”

Yalper, who has also recently bought just the salvaged hard drive of a broken Xbox 360 and a Sega Dreamcast fishing controller, says that the anxiety of the pandemic has increased his nostalgia for old gaming memorabilia. He is reportedly planning on having friends, neighbors, ‘and whoever’ over for a party in the upcoming months once he collects enough old hardware to actually play something.

“Oh yeah, once things go back to normal I’m gonna have one hell of a bash,” he said. “And you can be sure I won’t be caught with my pants down when someone says ‘Hey, me and my two friends want to play Crash Team Racing, can anyone help us out?’” I’m gonna be a legend!

At press time, Yalper’s friends were all enjoying a multiplayer game on Steam.

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Trump Administration Remains Silent on Rumored Melania Series X

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

WASHINGTON — Despite many pictures and sources alleging its development, the Trump administration has remained tight lipped about the heavily rumored Melania Series X.

“There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that we’re working on a new design of Melania,” said White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany regarding the recent photographs that many have claimed show Trump with what is clearly a bigger, more powerful version of his wife. “You cannot believe everything you read in the mainstream media, I’m afraid. Nor should you trust the things you see with your mainstream eyes. This administration will continue to be forthcoming about any any and all breakthroughs made in the development of future editions of the First Lady.” 

Many in the games press have alleged that Trump has at the very least a prototype model of what has been dubbed ‘Melania Series X,’ that he has been spotted with in various public appearances. 

“Basically I think Melania got Covid and wasn’t up to some of her appearances,” said Esther Draper, a freelance technology journalist who has been following the story. “So they had the perfect excuse to silently try out the Series X. I think it’ll be the standard model in the White House by the end of the year, to be honest. Much more resistant to viruses, and the level of facial detail makes it the most lifelike edition of the hardware yet. Very exciting stuff for tech nerds like me!”

As of press time, Super Eric Trump has been delayed until early 2021.

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The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

While this column is meant to highlight the funniest comments of the week, I want to acknowledge the hundreds of fans who voiced their support when we officially announced we’re all in on Dry Bones.  We will always love Waluigi, but our needs as a website have changed, and we appreciate you all understanding, (most of you anyway).

With that in mind, let’s move on to some Dry Bones news:

The modern day needs more heroes like José to slow the constant spread of misinformation on the internet. What could happen if unsuspecting perverts jacked off to non-lore friendly hentai, and after years of sharing no one knew the truth? Thank you for your service, sir. Keep fighting the good fight.

In a last ditch effort to redistribute wealth, I think we are going to have to push as hard as possible to get Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates into the furry fandom. If Beastars proved anything, it’s that we’re always potentially just an hour away from becoming a furry. 

I am amazed at how consistently racist people expect the rest of us to cry and beg at the thought of them excommunicating themselves from gaming. When we finally do get Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill, I can’t wait for them to boycott American currency and form their own society in the sewer where they belong.

As gamers, it’s important for us to have experiences like this to remind ourselves of how difficult life was in a time before video games. Back then, if you wanted to shoot someone without any repercussions, you had to fight in a real war. And trust me, 1800s America had the worst balancing of all time.

I used to play Counter-Strike: Source with a guy who would claim he was too nauseous to play whenever his frames per second dipped below 200. I live in fear for all of us what he’ll do if he ever gets 30 FPS.

Many thanks to everyone who commented this week! I would include all of you, but the editors keep telling me that is “impractical” and “a terrible idea”, so just know that I appreciate you all equally.  If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week, everyone!

5 Mindfulness Techniques To Add To Your Heavy Medication & Booze Routine

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

Mindfulness meditation, the practice of remaining present and aware in the moment, has been sweeping America as 2020 only seemed to get worse and worse. But you are already so busy taking meds and guzzling alcohol to numb your nerves that you feel you don’t have time for meditation, right? Guess again.

You don’t have to be a monk or sit on a cushion for hours at a time to take advantage of mindfulness practices. Here are five simple ways you can incorporate mindfulness into your already hectic medicating and drinking schedule.

Take a Deep Belly Breath in Between Shots
So, you lined up five shots of cheap whiskey that you plan to down before passing out in bed. How about you take a 4-second breath deep in your belly and 8-second exhale before taking that next shot. It’s sort of like a drinking game for your soul.

Meditate at CVS While Waiting for Your Xanax Refill
Sure, you could look at overpriced Mac & Cheese or enemas but instead sit in that uncomfortable plastic chair and meditate while you wait for your medication. Listen to the soothing tones of a muzak version of Third Eye Blind’s Semi-Charmed Life while half-gazing at Emily Ratajkowski on the cover of People Magazine.

Record Positive Affirmations to Play Back, Especially While Having a Bad Trip
So, that acid isn’t hitting very well and you are starting to spiral into self-hatred and paranoia. If you record some positive affirmation about yourself into your phone beforehand you can play them back when you need them most. It will be just like having your own trip sitter with you telling you great you are while you puke.

Be Present While Drinking in the Shower
You are on minute twenty of a shower and a beer; the hot water is just about gone and so is the beer. How much of that shower were you actually present for or were you thinking about existential dread? Take a moment to feel the water on your skin or the taste of beer and tears on your lips.

Journal While High
Don’t waste the time after you just got extremely high, grab a pen and paper and just write down whatever comes to mind. Studies show that journaling can help ease anxiety, plus I bet you will come up with some crazy creative shit writing while baked. However, we don’t recommend ever reading what you wrote while sober, better yet, just burn the journal and assume it was genius, that’s more zen or whatever.

GOP Setting Up Fake States to Confuse Voters

Posted on by Nariko Ott

WASHINGTON — Republicans across the country are drawing up new state maps in a desperate attempt to confuse voters and secure President Trump’s re-election, confirmed Democratic party sources calling the effort “Gerrymandering 2.0.”

“The fact the folks on the radical left call this very simple move of creating fake maps, charters, and state histories ‘election interference’ is just so utterly ridiculous,” claimed Rep. Steve McGaugh. “Yes, of course the Koch Foundation spent hundreds of millions of dollars running television ads and printed media promoting them, but these maps are not legally binding and just a fun ‘What if?’ style map we made up as a goof — it’s like you might find in the front of a ‘Lord of the Rings’ book, or on the back of a Happy Meal. Why is the Democrat party against fun games? That’s my question.”

Citizens in the affected electoral “fun map” areas are waking up this week to find their mailboxes loaded with confusing, official-looking ballots for elections that don’t actually exist. Some residents of Washington, New York, and Oregon are receiving ballots asking for votes for citizens of “ANTIFAvania,” “Cuckneticut,” and “Soyklahoma,” among others.

“I don’t find it very funny at all,” said Sage Greenbrier of Olympia, Wash. “My friend in Los Angeles got an envelope that read, ‘Official Pedofornia Ballot enclosed.’ Is that real? I mean, do I live in Soyklahoma or not? I mean, I don’t really care either way; I just want to make sure I’m not associated with anyone from Spokane. Fuck them.”

“Shit, I need to call my parents and let them know this is all fake,” Greenbrier added. “If they see anything about this on Fox News, they’re going to automatically assume it’s true.”

So far, the Democratic response to the new maps has been fairly tepid.

“We are outraged and incensed by this level of voter suppression,” said Rep. Ami Bera. “That’s why we sent a 10-page letter to the House Ethics Committee for an official request for a preliminary review — the findings of which, hopefully after being voted on to be made public, will be revealed in early January… pending Phase 2 review and initiation, of course. These assholes don’t know who they’re messing with.”

Political entrepreneurs are cashing in on the maps with new T-shirts & bumper stickers featuring slogans like “Don’t Mess With Libtardaho,” “LGBTQachusetts Is for (Polyamorous) Lovers,” and “Betasota: Home of Voodoo Donuts.”

Opinion: I’m a Lot More Woke These Days Bitch

Posted on by Freddy Krueger

Hey kids, it’s your old pal, Freddy! No, not that molest-y 2010 reboot crap, I’m talking O.G Fred Man. That’s right bitch, Freddy’s back! It’s been a long time since ole Freddy had a chance to rap with you. Or The Fat Boys. Remember that, bitch?

Anyway, a lot has changed since 2003 and I want all of you little fuckers to know that Freddy’s changed too. I’ve been doing some real soul searching, and it’s taken a long time because I’ve collected a lot of souls over the years!

All kidding aside, bitch. I’ve done some real growth. I may be a dream demon but about a year ago I had a real wake-up call, bitch. I snuck into a kid’s dream to murder him and caught him wearing a dress. I’m ashamed to admit this, bitch, but I laughed at the little fucker.

I didn’t know any better. Hell, I grew up in the ‘50s! But you know what this little fuckers dream-power was? Bravery. After I cracked wise he said to me in a strong, matter-of-fact voice, “This is how I feel on the inside and I’m not ashamed of it.”

If my face wasn’t already red with the blood of many, many children it would have turned red from embarrassment. Freddy is a lot of bad things but a bigot isn’t one of them, bitch. I apologized. I made a commitment to change and be more open-minded in the future, and even asked their preferred pronoun. I am proud to say that I killed them by blending them inside a water bed.

Look, I’m not saying I’m Mr. Perfect. And there’s certainly no need to get into which dream demon referred to a black teenager as “dark meat” in “Freddy vs. Jason.” All I’m saying is, I’m listening, bitch. I’m recognizing my flaws and I’m trying to be better, cock-sucker.

Face it bitch, when it comes to progress in slasher villains, Freddy’s always been ahead of the curve! You won’t get this sort of forward-thinking from other serial killers on my level, bitch. Voorhees is Trump country all the way and Michael Myers is a staunch libertarian. I can’t believe Dr. Loomis spent 15 years trying to get that asshole to talk. All you have to do is mention the capital gains tax and the mother fucker won’t shut up for 4 hours!

From now on I begin all murder dreams by asking the bitch their preferred pronouns. Then I say “trigger warning” and I point a gun in their face, but then when I pull the trigger a red and green flag pops out with “BANG!” written on it, so that’s fine. Then we do a few improv exercises just to loosen things up and then I kill them, but in a responsible and progressive way.

Last week I turned into, like, a Freddy version of Bernie Sanders. I tossed a kid into the furnace and told them to “FEEL THE BURN!”

Ted Nugent to Headline “Rock the Voter Suppression” Event

Posted on by Tony Morse

DETROIT — Right-wing rocker Ted Nugent is set to headline a GOP event at the Dearborn Ice Skating Center tomorrow to help raise money to encourage voter suppression efforts across battleground states, anti-democratic sources confirmed today.

“We’ve got all these libtard social justice warriors makin’ noise about how they’re gonna vote President Trump out in 2020. Well, I got some news for you there, Sally — we’re going to rock so hard, you ain’t even going to get the chance to vote. The more we rock, the more your mail in votes won’t count,” said a heavily armed Nugent. “Everyone is so optimistic there’ll be a ‘Blue Wave’ next week. Well, I’m here to shoot that bullshit down like a flock of Mallards. Keepin’ the wrong kind of people from voting is a conservative tradition, and I’m gonna shred some nasty chords to rev up our boys. I got a new song called ‘Armed at the Polling Station’ that will knock your dick in the dirt.”

Word of Nugent’s scheduled appearance spread quickly throughout Michigan’s vibrant militia community, exciting likely voter intimidators.

“Fuck yeah, I’m gonna see the Nuge,” boasted local voting rights critic Randy Akerson. “Our lady Governor won’t do shit to stop all these illegals and snowflakes from electing that radical leftist Joe Biden, so it’s up to us patriots to do it ourselves. Normally before I go out to terrorize people, I have to listen to whatever music my sergeant plays during roll call at the precinct. So it’s cool to see the Motor City Madman live before doing a little ‘voter outreach,’ if you know what I mean. I’m amped just thinking about it!”

Republican National Committee Chair Ronna McDaniel praised Nugent for his grassroots effort.

“Gone are the days when we can rely solely on old, white male politicians crafting racist voter ID laws to properly restrict ballot access,” the senior disenfranchisement strategist noted. “Hitting the streets and establishing a menacing presence at the polls is key to ensuring low voter turnout, which, of course, helps us get away with stealing Supreme Court seats and incarcerating migrant children. And there’s something about Ted and his music that draws in the most enthusiastic Republicans, so I just can’t thank him enough.”

“Ted has also been kind enough to record intimidating robo calls that claim if you vote by mail, then the cops can legally search your house for drugs whenever they want,” she added. “We love a team player like that.”

Nugent also teased an extra-long version of “Stranglehold” with a new verse dedicated to his love of police officers.

Dune Movie Delayed so Denis Villeneuve Can Finish Reading Book

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Sources have revealed that the most recent delay of the upcoming Dune adaptation was not related to Covid-inspired box office doubts, but rather the director needing a little bit more time to finish the book. 

“Fuck, I really thought I’d be through this by now,” said Denis Villeneuve, the acclaimed director behind the adaption. “I kept stalling out trying to read the book, so I got the thing on tape, and that was going well but then I got logged out of my Audible and I don’t know the password anymore, and then I got into some other books and then the all the sudden I’m supposed to be finishing this movie. Oh shit!” 

“I had some really cool ideas for an ending for one character,” Villeneuve added, “and then I got to the part in the middle where he dies! I was like, ‘fuck!’ I loved that guy!”

Warner Brothers has announced that the film will be delayed until Villeneuve has had time to finish the book and kind of chew on it for a while, giving the visionary director of Arrival and Sicario time to finish Frank Herbert’s visionary work and come up with a vision of his own to commit to film. 

“Denis is always so well prepared,” said Dune and Blade Runner 2049 actor Dave Bautista. “So when he was always carrying a copy of Dune around when we were filming, I figured it was just to make absolutely sure we were staying true to the novel. Turns out, he was reading it on the fly, doing his homework right before class, that bastard! This explains why he kept calling me in the middle of the night to get my take on the next day’s scene.”

Though principal photography was scheduled to be finished by now, studio executives have ordered an extended shoot, so that the finished film might better reflect the original source material.

“We were looking at a rough cut of his,” said Richard Beck, an executive at Warner Brothers. “And while the beginning really was impressive, the ending was just off the rails. Some real Game of Thrones shit. It’s like you could tell exactly how far he’d made it into the book, once the plot stops moving along and all the characters just start talking about all of the sand dunes and how nice they are, and then Paul Atreides slides down one and everyone cheers and the credits roll. Suffice to say, this film is not ready to be released.” 

As of press time, Villenueve refused to comment on the allegations that he merely thought he’d signed on to remake a 1984 David Lynch film.

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U.S. Announces Plan to Withdraw All Troops from Donkey Kong Country by Christmas

Posted on by Jake Menez

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump took to Twitter last night to announce that all American forces currently serving overseas in Donkey Kong Country are expected to be home by Christmas.

The announcement came as a shock to the American public, as the United States had maintained continuous involvement in Donkey Kong Country since 1994. Speaking on the basis of anonymity, a top-ranking general offered their assessment of the situation. 

“Donkey Kong Country has been a perceived threat to American democracy for nearly thirty years. We first began to explore intervention in the region years ago when our satellites captured images of militants training rhinos for combat,” explained the general. “It wasn’t until our intel people got their hands on what appeared to be a training video that we got the go-ahead to assert an American presence in the region.”

The conflict eventually concentrated on an individual militant group within the country, which the U.S. ultimately failed to eliminate. 

“We believed at the time that this so-called ‘DK Rap’ was designed to radicalize the population to the Kong mindset, so we got boots on the ground in that jungle in search of WMDs and the Kongs’ leader, Donkey,” said the general, referencing a satellite image of a remote military compound. “But when our SEAL team infiltrated his stronghold, all they turned up was a horde of bananas and some tasteful neckwear. Nothing left to do but go home.”

Contrary to the White House’s stance, many citizens expressed a belief that the United States’ role in Donkey Kong Country was motivated by lesser reasons than peacekeeping. One radical anti-war activist weighed in via Zoom.

“They-a never thought there were-a weapons of-a mass destruction!” said the activist, a man dressed in overalls with a green cap who also preferred to remain anonymous. “That was a line they used because-a they thought there was oil they could take-a for themselves. Those G-men saw all these-a barrels and invaded the whole damn country. But the joke’s-a on them because the barrels were just-a full of more Kongs!”

At press time, a leak from the White House suggested that although the United States would keep its promise to end direct involvement in Donkey Kong Country, President Trump had asked officials to explore the possibility of funding the Kremling Krew, an authoritarian militia identified as a hate group by U.S. intelligence communities, to “maintain law and order” in the region.

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Opinion: Oh, So When I Said “Frankenstein” and Not “the Monster” You Had No Idea What I Was Talking About

Posted on by Dan Rice

Oh my god. I am so sorry. You are right, of course! The character I am describing is in fact the MONSTER of Frankenstein, not Frankenstein! Wow, okay, I’ve got a LOT of backtracking to do now!

I must have sounded INSANE to you! Here I am referencing “Frankenstein” having bolts in his neck and throwing a little girl into a river and you’re thinking “Dr. Frankenstein? The fictional medical professional? He don’t do that.” You must have been so fucking LOST!

God, I’m so embarrassed. That must have been so CONFUSING to you! I mean, talk about cognitive whiplash! Do you need to sit down for a while? Do you want some water?

Hey, can someone get my friend here a glass of water? Room temperature please, the last thing they need is another shock!

No, no. Sit down. I insist.

It’s all dawning on me now, just what a fucking idiot I’ve been! When I was talking about how “Frankenstein” saw parallels between himself and Adam while learning to read with John Milton’s “Paradise Lost,” you must have been like, “What in the fuck could this guy possibly be talking about? Doctor Frankenstein already knows how to read, he’s a doctor! And his character is far more similar to Satan in ‘Paradise Lost’ than Adam. Wait, is he talking about The Monster?” Because that’s how fucking SMART you are! I can tell how smart you are because you deigned to say to me, “it’s actually Frankenstein’s monster. Frankenstein is the name of the doctor.”

It’s weird because I’m usually so careful about this sort of thing! See that guy over there with the fangs and the cape? I would never say something like “that guy is dressed as Dracula.” No, I would take the time to bother explaining “that man is dressed as the undead creature that the body of Count Dracula, the human man, BECAME after making his unholy pact with Satan.” Every time.

I’ll tell you who you really need to go straighten out: the people at Google! I just did a search for “Frankenstein,” you know, the doctor, and a bunch of pictures of the monster popped up! What the fuck is up with THAT? It’s as if society has collectively just decided the name Frankenstein was synonymous with the unnamed monster from Marry Shelly’s novel, “Frankenstein.” What a strange and frightening thing! Are we in the fucking Twilight Zone or WHAT?!

Thank God for you. Thank God for you and everyone like you in the world. Can you imagine a world without people like you, where it’s just a bunch of dumb happy-go-lucky shits like me going about their day thinking “Frankenstein” is the name of the monster in “Frankenstein?” That would be fucking CHAOS!

I feel like I should give you some money. I mean, here you are basically giving me a first-class education. Please, let me give you some of my money. Is there an ATM MACHINE anywhere around here? Wait WHAAAAAAT?!