Opinion: The Real Militia Was the Friends We Made Along the Way

Posted on by Rachel Steele

Big government is plotting to take away our rights as American citizens, like eating at local restaurants and licking strangers. Recently I joined a new militia group in my county dedicated to earning our freedoms back. We may not have been successful, but what really matters is all the friends we made along the way.

This year has exposed a lot of injustice in the world, but I for one take solace in the fact that I’m leaving it knowing who my real friends are. We may not have successfully toppled the regime of oppression, but we kicked the shit out of the regime of loneliness.

The day finally came when it was time to reclaim our nation by kidnapping the governor of Michigan. The right to die from a deadly virus, the right to endanger neighbors and loved ones to the same virus, these are rights we will protect until our dying breath. Did we succeed? Are we finally free? Is the state finally run by nature’s truest governor: chaos? All of these questions are completely irrelevant because we definitely made some lifelong friends.

If you ask me, successfully creating an effective militia definitely comes second to creating lasting memories with your bros.

Maybe we were less than successful in igniting a social and political revolution to free us from the boot of federal mandates, but the bright side is we have become lifelong friends. Every weekend we get together and watch some TV, and Paul makes the best bean dip on this side of Michigan.

After a long day of plotting in the garage, burning face masks, and painting hot-rod flames on our getaway vehicle, it’s nice to unwind with the bros. Possibly even crack open a few beers and catch up on Dancing with the Stars.

Perhaps the mission wasn’t to forge a new America with a strong, terrifying, competent militia. Maybe the real militia all along was friendship. I would do anything in the world for my best friends, but if the cops come to my door I’ll snitch like a motherfucker.

Chris Pontius Leads Voter Awareness Campaign by Showing His Balls to Strangers

Posted on by Kevin Tit

PASADENA, Calif. — “Wildboyz” star Chris Pontius started a voter awareness campaign today that includes showing his balls to strangers and encouraging them to get out and vote, multiple polling volunteers confirm.

“This is possibly the most important election of our lifetime. And as you can see, I’ve written the word ‘poll’ on my dick. Get it?” the completely nude “Jackass” star explained. “I’ve painted my balls to represent the two party system — notice how the red one is a little bigger? That’s the Republicans having control of the house. I’ve also tattooed the words ‘Ballot Box’ over my asshole, and I’m going show people how to stuff ‘em to cast their votes. Everyone needs to take their voting rights seriously, and if I can get even one person to make their voice heard, then my work — and the tireless burden on my dick, balls, and butthole — is done.”

While Pontius is ecstatic about campaigning, the star of the campaign was very underwhelmed by the whole thing.

“I’m so fucking tired. It’s been well over two decades, and we’re still doing this shit?” expressed Pontius’s 46-year-old testicles. “When will this end? Every time I think it’s time for retirement, I keep getting pulled back out of my dark cradle and back into the public eye. I’m too old for this — I’ve been slapped, crushed, electrocuted, you name it. I don’t give two fucks who wins this election. I just want to keep sagging and expanding in some goddamn peace and quiet. I don’t think that’s so much to ask.”

Pontius’ heart may be in the right place, but reception has been overwhelmingly negative.

“I don’t know who this guy is or what fucking show he’s from. I was born in 2002,” said 18-year-old college freshman and first-time voter Erica Gnomes. “I was walking home from work when this shirtless guy in a bow tie ripped off his breakaway pants, pointed at his balls and started dancing in people’s faces while singing the Star Spangled Banner through a megaphone. I immediately called the police.”

At press time, the arresting officer had released Pontius after admitting he was a huge fan of the show and thought the crime was hilarious.

Remembering Legendary Game Designer Tom Clancy

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

The video game world has always had creative figures who loomed large and were beloved for their contributions to the medium. However, one trailblazing code master whose work continues to resonate that doesn’t get his due is legendary video game software designer Tom Clancy. 

Though he was unable to receive the prominent billing he’d later grow accustomed to, Clancy’s first game was 1991’s The Hunt for Red October, a deep sea combat game that he made for both the Nintendo Entertainment System and the Game Boy. The acclaim for that game led Clancy to gain prominence as a visionary young voice in game design, who then founded his own studio, Tom Clancy Video Game Studio. The game reportedly so moved Sean Connery that he financed a cinematic adaptation of the game.

TCVGS’ first blockbuster release was 1999’s Rainbow Six. Its combination of tactics, shooting, and plot focusing on a counter-terrorism unit of soldiers felt like they were ripped right out of a spy novel, and the game proved to be a wild success, spawning a franchise that continues to this day. 

In addition to the wildly popular Rainbow Six franchise, Clancy designed several other smash hit series, including Ghost Recon, Splinter Cell, and The Division, each of which enjoy their own franchise and dedicated fanbases. Until Player Unknown’s identity is revealed, Tom Clancy’s name is the most important one when discussing shooters in the 21st century.

Though Clancy tragically passed away in 2013, the treasure trove of notes and ideas he left behind ensure that his philosophies and ideas concerning video game design will continue to be made available to gamers for the foreseeable future. So far several posthumous games have been able to be assembled in this manner, most recently 2019’s Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon Breakpoint.

Though not typically mentioned in the same breaths as the other heavyweights of the medium, Tom Clancy’s influential body of work and commitment to excellence across over 40 releases deserves to cement his name alongside the truly immortal game designers, next to names like Shigeryu Moyamato, Sid Maier, and John Madden.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Child Who Received Mostly Rare Candies for Halloween Now 36 Years Old

Posted on by Joe Tilleli

FAIRFIELD, Conn. — Kenny Coleman, local pokemon fan and former adolescent, has reportedly received a number of rare candies in his halloween basket, leveling him up to 36 years of age upon consumption.

“I don’t know how I could have let this happen,” said the newly aged child’s mother, Barbara Coleman. “I searched through all the candy he collected for any kind of tampering like needles or razor blades. I’ve read the horror stories, but no one ever warned me that my son could suddenly grow up past his teenage years and twenties from eating a handful of sugary treats.”

Kenny Coleman has now had a couple days to adjust to his pudgy mid-thirties body and has shared his first thoughts following this change.

“Other than being much taller and hairier, I don’t really feel all that different,” said Kenney. “The biggest change I noticed is an immediate disgust I feel looking at the designs of any pokemon that came out after the original 151. I used to just find the games fun, but suddenly I have an opinion on Game Freak reusing animations in Sword and Shield.”

“They made us watch a puberty video in school called Just Around the Corner,” Kenney added. “I guess I thought I had more time.”

This significant life change has caused a bit of strife within the Coleman household as the whole family is getting used to the new Kenny.

“I had been EV training Kenny since he was born,” said a disappointed Ralph Coleman, Kenny’s father. “Having him pick fights with the neighbor’s kids, boosting his speed and defense—I was trying to set him up for a real strong adulthood and now all of that has gone to waste.” 

At press time, Kenny’s father kicked his son out of the house and told him to get a job which he would have done when he reached 10 anyway.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Quarantine Produces Unprecedented Spike in DIY Danzig Costumes

Posted on by Anna Walsh

HOUSTON — Locked-down towns across America are seeing record levels of citizens dressing up as famed frontman Glenn Danzig following months of little to no physical self-care, according to concerned and frightened sources.

“Usually I have to buy white face paint and a wig, but since I haven’t seen the sun or gotten a haircut in over 150 days, I already look strikingly similar to Danzig,” said local man Luke McGill, who allegedly dresses up as Danzig every year for reasons he “didn’t want to get into.” “I’m going to dig through my girlfriend’s old bag of shit clothes she’s been meaning to donate and see if I can find some tiny little black pants or something mesh to really nail the look. I already found a comically oversized belt buckle to go with everything, which almost pushes me toward Machete or The Undertaker territory, but whatever works.”

Others who previously had no intention of dressing up as the iconic horror punk figured they “might as well” upon looking into a mirror for the first time in months.

“Since no one is going to see me, I figure this year is perfect to go as one of the homelier punk legends. I might even go 90s-era Danzig, but I’ll need to buy a bra with more padding for that,” said Salt Lake City resident Ashley Stockard. “I usually go as someone blonde, but I don’t have enough eyeliner to do a passable Bret Michaels, and I’ve already made a disastrous hair decision in the confines of the studio apartment I’ve been in for seven months, so why not dye my whole head Danzig black?”

For his part, Danzig is upset with the plethora of imitators this year.

“I have a lot going on between another erotic horror movie in the works, plus the endless legal issues that are completely my own making,” the famed musician and Halloween costume-inspiration stated. “There’s only one Danzig, and he’s only getting more swole and smart in quarantine. And if that punk from the Northside Kings wants to go another round, I’m fucking ready.”

Unfortunately for all, the majority of those dressed as Danzig have mostly been asked if they were supposed to be “Criss Angel or something.”

Cool Mom Gives Out Full-Size Xanax Bars on Halloween

Posted on by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

SAN DIEGO — Local Mom Linda Hudson turned heads in her neighborhood today by giving out full-sized Xanax bars to visiting trick-or-treaters, leaving many parents stunned and several children “completely fucking zonked.”

“I don’t see what the big deal is. Everyone just needs to relax, you know?” Hudson said, responding to allegations of irresponsible parenting. “I’m just trying to help these kids chill out — it’s been a hard year for everyone. Especially for me. If I didn’t crush up a few of ‘Mommy’s Little Helpers’ into their morning acai smoothies, I would’ve had to homeschool Dylan and Heighleigh all by myself! Now they just sleep all day, which works a lot better for my schedule.”

While many neighborhood parents were quick to criticize Hudson’s decision to give out a Schedule IV narcotic without a prescription for free to children, her approval among local children remains very high.

“Mrs. H always gives out the best stuff. No one else in town gives out full-size bars, so I always make sure to hit her house every Halloween. My friends and I even switched costumes so we could go back for a second helping,” said local fourth grader Aiden Rowley. “Last year she just left out a bowl of loose Pall Mall Slims with a lighter on her porch. I puked like, three times. It was awesome!”

Despite several pending lawsuits from parents across the region, Hudson takes pride in her ‘Cool Mom’ status among the local youth, and doesn’t plan on changing course anytime soon.

“Look, the kids love me because I know how to have fun. Is that a crime?” asked Hudson, pouring her fourth glass of Barefoot Moscato of the night. “The law says yes, but it’s their job to kill the party anyway. I’m just gonna keep living my truth, and if some rude cop wants to try to arrest me, I’ll ask for the manager of cops and get them fired. I have rights too, you know!”

Hudson was last seen visibly intoxicated, stepping over several passed out children on her front porch before getting behind the wheel of a white Mercedes and almost immediately causing a five-car pileup. Her bail is set at $10,000.

McDonald’s Cinematic Universe to Start with Gritty Origin Film of the Hamburglar

Posted on by E.M. Caris

HOLLYWOOD — McDonald’s announced yesterday the launch of a new fast food cinematic universe, starting with a ‘Hamburglar’ origin movie starring Timothée Chalamet in the titular role and Ralph Fiennes as Mayor McCheese.

“We think this new, edgy, sexy take on the Hamburglar is going to be a huge opportunity for our brand,” said McDonald’s CEO Chris Kempczinski. “We have an entire backlog of characters ready to go. Phase one will tell the origin stories of Hamburglar obviously, but we’ll also introduce Grimace as a crack-addicted prostitute, and Officer Big Mac as a corrupt cop similar to Harvey Keitel in ‘Bad Lieutenant.’ And Travis Scott is doing the soundtrack. We really think we can compete with Marvel on this.”

Fans quickly took to Reddit to express their enthusiasm for the upcoming franchise.

“You know, I grew up with these characters in the ’80s and ’90s. I’m so glad they’re finally getting the stories they deserve,” said McDonald’s superfan and man with severely clogged arteries Jake Chipman. “There really is a lot of depth and creativity that went into creating McDonaldland, and I think we’ll see that on the big screen. The Hamburglar could do for advertising mascots what the ‘Dark Knight’ did for comics: elevate it to art. Rumor has it that they’re even teasing a certain flame-haired, disgruntled clown appearing in a post-credit sequence. I can’t wait.”

The most shocking revelation from the announcement, however, was that McDonald’s has tapped Martin Scorsese to direct.

“I know what I said about comic book movies. And I stand by it. These films won’t be roller coasters; they’ll be nourishment for your soul,” said Scorsese. “I knew I could trust McDonald’s to tell this story, as obviously this isn’t their first foray into moviemaking — remember ‘Mac & Me?’ Pure genius. And when I read the ‘Hamburglar’ script, I was blown away. Blown away. I also think you’ll be really surprised who Leo ends up playing.”

Not to be outdone, Burger King has since announced a horror-inspired, R-Rated BK Kids Club film for release next summer.

Trump Warns Antifa Will Put Voter Fraud in Your Kid’s Halloween Candy

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump once again stoked fear yesterday by warning U.S. citizens that “Antifa terrorists will hide voter fraud in your children’s Halloween candy” before the election.

“These liberal Antifa mobs have been collecting unsolicited mail-in ballots and stashing them in candy — it’s why all the best candy is laced with voter fraud. Well, the best candy is actually Trump brand chocolate, but most people can’t afford it. It’s so luxurious, those Antifa thugs wouldn’t even know what to do with a Trump chocolate bar. It’s too patriotic for them,” rambled President Trump. “Antifa hates candy — they can’t throw it at police like they can throw cans of soup. If you throw candy, it’s a parade, and they don’t want to throw a parade for law and order.”

“I like parades,” the President added, “especially parades for heroes like our men in the military and myself. But not for astronauts. NASA is a waste of money. I’d know, I’ve seen the books.”

Pundits from the right wing media were quick to reinforce the President’s comments.

“Liberals can’t hold themselves back from destroying every sacred tradition our country was founded on,” said correspondent Tucker Carlson. “First it’s their war on Christmas, then their war on Columbus Day… and now these mindless tools of the leftist elite want to ruin our sacred, Christian Halloween. I’m not hearing anyone say ‘Happy Halloween’ anymore — they’re only saying, ‘Are you registered to vote?’ I always tell them no, and then I sign up as a dead person, and as soon as they accept that registration, I know that they are agents of chaos.”

For their part, left-wing media voices brought up statistics to point out the flaws in Trump’s logic.

“Research shows voter fraud is virtually nonexistent and has only been linked to a few low level Republican schemes,” said MSNBC pundit Rachel Maddow. “Studies have shown there’s a better chance of finding a tampered peanut butter cup than a tampered ballot. What we should be concerned about is the gerrymandering that results in neighborhoods subverting innocent trick-or-treaters by handing out far-right propaganda pamphlets and popcorn balls instead of pre-wrapped Hershey bars and Skittles. Children shouldn’t be spending the evening picking popcorn bits out of their teeth and learning anti-Semitic conspiracy theories.”

In related news, groups of Proud Boys were attempting to “defeat Antifa at their own game” by dressing up as scarecrows to try to scare voters away from polling locations.

Five Tricks for Making Sure Your Kids Have a Terrible Halloween With Your Ex-Wife

Posted on by Constantine Platanias

Halloween is just around the corner and for most people that means scary movies, costumes, and trick or treating. Not you though. You’ll be alone, picturing all the good times the kids are definitely having with your ex-wife and her fancy new “employed” boyfriend.

Instead of wallowing in misery like the loser you are, take action! You control your destiny. Show your kids they were wrong to tell the judge they’d rather live with their mom.

If you want to improve your life, it starts with ruining their Halloween.

Set high expectations – Spend the week leading up to Halloween hyping the kids up for what their mom has planned. Candy for dinner? Sure, if you’re not already sick of it after breakfast and lunch. Fireworks? Hell yeah! And you can light them too. Make sure they know Captain America will be dropping by to check out the state-of-the-art haunted house their mom put together.

Create a distraction – Remember that alimony hearing she’s been bugging you about for months? Well, turns out you’re only free on October 31st. If that doesn’t work, check to see whether she’s still your emergency contact. A quick trip to the ER might hurt your checkbook but that’s nothing compared to what it’ll do to the kids’ Halloween!

Amp up the terror – A little spookiness can be a lot of fun. However, there’s nothing fun about learning that a bloodthirsty murderer is loose in your neighborhood! And that’s exactly the kind of false police report you’re going to file.

Beat them to the punch – Figure out where they’re planning to go trick-or-treating and steal all the candy from every house on their route. Don’t worry, a few days from now you’ll give them all the candy you collected to cheer them up. That’ll get them excited to stay at your apartment every other weekend.

Get drunk and make a scene – If all else fails, be prepared to do what divorced dads are best at: alcoholism and yelling. Happy Halloween!

Apologetic Caretaker Removes Muttering Danzig from Party City

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

LOS ANGELES — Local caregiver Sheila Hart apologized to the patrons and staff at the Van Nuys Party City earlier today after a person under her care, former Misfits frontman Glenn Danzig, was found wandering the aisles alone and muttering to himself.

“We were out running some errands and I stopped to get coffee and told him to wait in the car,” reported Hart. “There’s one of those Halloween decorations places next to the Starbucks I like, and when we got there, he was going on about dead cats, razor blades and candy apples — you know, typical Danzig stuff, so I didn’t really think too much of it. But when I got back he was gone, and I saw some pretty upset families leaving Party City talking about ‘the shirtless man rambling incoherently.’ My heart just about sank at that point.”

Party City management was happy the situation didn’t escalate further.

“This stocky dude in tight black pants came in muttering something about ‘pumpkin faces in the night,’ so I pointed him towards the Halloween section. When he screamed ‘I remember!’ at me, I figured he was probably just some kook who wandered in off the street,” said Party City shift manager Heather Hayes. “He was staring at this skeleton costume, so I asked if he needed help, but he just mumbled about ‘the royalties,’ so I figured I’d let security handle it at that point. Fortunately, [Hart] calmed him down and told him they’d go home and watch Bela Lugosi movies.”

Experts note that this incident could have taken a turn for the worse at any moment.

“Aging niche musicians are often like raising a child. They require constant care and attention,” noted NPR’s Ann Powers. “There are dozens of examples where these musicians create a general sense of panic, and it’s only made worse by the tense times we live in. This could have easily been just as bad as Dschinghis Khan at the Russian Embassy, or The Shaggs at Foot Locker.”

Danzig was later also escorted away from a local Planned Parenthood after muttering a few unfortunate lines from “Last Caress.”