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Five Tricks for Making Sure Your Kids Have a Terrible Halloween With Your Ex-Wife

Halloween is just around the corner and for most people that means scary movies, costumes, and trick or treating. Not you though. You’ll be alone, picturing all the good times the kids are definitely having with your ex-wife and her fancy new “employed” boyfriend.

Instead of wallowing in misery like the loser you are, take action! You control your destiny. Show your kids they were wrong to tell the judge they’d rather live with their mom.

If you want to improve your life, it starts with ruining their Halloween.

Set high expectations – Spend the week leading up to Halloween hyping the kids up for what their mom has planned. Candy for dinner? Sure, if you’re not already sick of it after breakfast and lunch. Fireworks? Hell yeah! And you can light them too. Make sure they know Captain America will be dropping by to check out the state-of-the-art haunted house their mom put together.

Create a distraction – Remember that alimony hearing she’s been bugging you about for months? Well, turns out you’re only free on October 31st. If that doesn’t work, check to see whether she’s still your emergency contact. A quick trip to the ER might hurt your checkbook but that’s nothing compared to what it’ll do to the kids’ Halloween!

Amp up the terror – A little spookiness can be a lot of fun. However, there’s nothing fun about learning that a bloodthirsty murderer is loose in your neighborhood! And that’s exactly the kind of false police report you’re going to file.

Beat them to the punch – Figure out where they’re planning to go trick-or-treating and steal all the candy from every house on their route. Don’t worry, a few days from now you’ll give them all the candy you collected to cheer them up. That’ll get them excited to stay at your apartment every other weekend.

Get drunk and make a scene – If all else fails, be prepared to do what divorced dads are best at: alcoholism and yelling. Happy Halloween!