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Opinion: The Real Militia Was the Friends We Made Along the Way

Big government is plotting to take away our rights as American citizens, like eating at local restaurants and licking strangers. Recently I joined a new militia group in my county dedicated to earning our freedoms back. We may not have been successful, but what really matters is all the friends we made along the way.

This year has exposed a lot of injustice in the world, but I for one take solace in the fact that I’m leaving it knowing who my real friends are. We may not have successfully toppled the regime of oppression, but we kicked the shit out of the regime of loneliness.

The day finally came when it was time to reclaim our nation by kidnapping the governor of Michigan. The right to die from a deadly virus, the right to endanger neighbors and loved ones to the same virus, these are rights we will protect until our dying breath. Did we succeed? Are we finally free? Is the state finally run by nature’s truest governor: chaos? All of these questions are completely irrelevant because we definitely made some lifelong friends.

If you ask me, successfully creating an effective militia definitely comes second to creating lasting memories with your bros.

Maybe we were less than successful in igniting a social and political revolution to free us from the boot of federal mandates, but the bright side is we have become lifelong friends. Every weekend we get together and watch some TV, and Paul makes the best bean dip on this side of Michigan.

After a long day of plotting in the garage, burning face masks, and painting hot-rod flames on our getaway vehicle, it’s nice to unwind with the bros. Possibly even crack open a few beers and catch up on Dancing with the Stars.

Perhaps the mission wasn’t to forge a new America with a strong, terrifying, competent militia. Maybe the real militia all along was friendship. I would do anything in the world for my best friends, but if the cops come to my door I’ll snitch like a motherfucker.