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Cool Mom Gives Out Full-Size Xanax Bars on Halloween

SAN DIEGO — Local Mom Linda Hudson turned heads in her neighborhood today by giving out full-sized Xanax bars to visiting trick-or-treaters, leaving many parents stunned and several children “completely fucking zonked.”

“I don’t see what the big deal is. Everyone just needs to relax, you know?” Hudson said, responding to allegations of irresponsible parenting. “I’m just trying to help these kids chill out — it’s been a hard year for everyone. Especially for me. If I didn’t crush up a few of ‘Mommy’s Little Helpers’ into their morning acai smoothies, I would’ve had to homeschool Dylan and Heighleigh all by myself! Now they just sleep all day, which works a lot better for my schedule.”

While many neighborhood parents were quick to criticize Hudson’s decision to give out a Schedule IV narcotic without a prescription for free to children, her approval among local children remains very high.

“Mrs. H always gives out the best stuff. No one else in town gives out full-size bars, so I always make sure to hit her house every Halloween. My friends and I even switched costumes so we could go back for a second helping,” said local fourth grader Aiden Rowley. “Last year she just left out a bowl of loose Pall Mall Slims with a lighter on her porch. I puked like, three times. It was awesome!”

Despite several pending lawsuits from parents across the region, Hudson takes pride in her ‘Cool Mom’ status among the local youth, and doesn’t plan on changing course anytime soon.

“Look, the kids love me because I know how to have fun. Is that a crime?” asked Hudson, pouring her fourth glass of Barefoot Moscato of the night. “The law says yes, but it’s their job to kill the party anyway. I’m just gonna keep living my truth, and if some rude cop wants to try to arrest me, I’ll ask for the manager of cops and get them fired. I have rights too, you know!”

Hudson was last seen visibly intoxicated, stepping over several passed out children on her front porch before getting behind the wheel of a white Mercedes and almost immediately causing a five-car pileup. Her bail is set at $10,000.