White Power March the Most Walking Militiaman Has Ever Done

Posted on by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

LANSING, Mich. — Far-right protesters who descended on the Michigan Capitol today arrived several hours later than scheduled, due to a gross miscalculation of just how long it takes for a largely out-of-shape militia to walk three miles, exhausted sources report.

“The government is… trying… to take away our rights… and we’re out here to tell them… ‘No Way!’” militiaman Owen Sturgess, who, like many of his fellow militiamen have not stood or walked for any extended amount of time since they were 12, said between heavily labored breaths. “The constitution explicitly states… that if I don’t like somethin’, I get… to bring a gun outside. So we’re gonna march… just like God and the founding fathers… intended. Fuck, man… how far away is this Capitol building?”

The protests, which began months ago in response to Michigan’s mask mandate, quickly drew in support from several far-right militia groups, which many believe is due to their inability to stop complaining.

“I just… whew. Gimme a sec,” began Toledo, Ohio resident Dale Kelley, sweating profusely just three blocks into the march. “I just get so sick of these politicians trying to tell hard-working Americans how to live their lives. Somehow this is also about destroying the white race too, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Shit, do we have to cross a real bridge too? Goddammit. My legs are on fire.”

Despite taking several breaks for Big Gulps and temporarily occupying the dining room of a local Carl’s Jr., the militia managed to reach the Capitol steps just before sundown, shouting several angry chants between exasperated coughs and gasps.

“We… have a voice, and we won’t… be silenced,” moaned a motionless William Berfy from a nearby patch of grass. “You’re gonna be seeing a lot more of… us… once we get out of the… hospital. Mark my words. Next time we’re gonna rent a bus, so we’ll see who’s laughing then. And you better stop calling us dorks, okay? It’s mean and we don’t like it!”

The next scheduled march has already been postponed as well due to exhaustion.

Fistfight in IHOP Parking Lot Closest Thing Metal Band Has Had to Practice in Months

Posted on by James Knapp

WEST LAWN, Penn. — A violent altercation in an IHOP parking lot yesterday between members of doom-metal band Savage Agnes was the closest thing the group has had to rehearsing any of their songs since March, exhausted and bloodied sources confirmed.

“We’ve been taking social distancing pretty seriously, so of course we haven’t had band practice for quite a while. We’re all making sacrifices, but none of us were willing to up our Friday night parking lot beer sessions, pandemic or no,” said guitarist “Gory” Georgie Powajski while wrapping his bleeding knuckles in a dirty Iron Maiden T-shirt. “It felt damn good to put the same energy we usually bring to our music into a brawl. Also, if you see any loose teeth lying around on the ground, those are probably mine.”

IHOP patron David Nelson described how the fight escalated.

“I was going to town on my Grand Slam and I could see those long-haired folks through the window. They were all drinking and carrying on over there for a while,” recalled Nelson. “Then these kinda preppy-looking guys walked by, and one of them yelled something about a ‘Lemmy,’ I think. Then the skinny one started throwing empty beer cans at the others, and suddenly there was chaos. I will say, though, they really came together as a group to put a beat down on those preppy kids.”

Retired tour manager and metal expert Ron “Steel Trap” Gorham explained how isolation can affect a metalhead’s aggression level.

“Metal fans are pack animals. Even just a couple weeks without getting 86’d from a dive bar together or rocking out with a good group headbanging session can play havoc with a metalhead’s mental state,” Gorham said. “This can be mitigated by regularly playing shitty Metallica covers together, but without that outlet, a fight is inevitable. At least now they’ve gotten it out of their systems and can go back to getting hammered in diner parking lots just like they used to. At least for a week or two.”

Witnesses report the members of Savage Agnes engaged in an awkward group hug just before sending their drummer to buy another case of Coors.

Punk’s Dickhead Boss Wouldn’t Give Him Day Off to Vote If He Had Job, Was Registered

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

ATLANTA — Quasi-political punk Aaron Scovell convinced himself yesterday that, if he had a job and was registered, his theoretical “douchenozzle boss” wouldn’t let him off to vote in the 2020 Presidential election, sources tired of hearing him complain confirmed.

“The election is either today or tomorrow. There’s also an outside chance that it already happened. But I’m pretty sure I didn’t miss it,” said Scovell. “Obviously, I’m excited to vote, and I’m a huge supporter of… uh… the guy. The best one, that guy. But it makes me sick knowing that if I had a job, my boss would probably almost definitely not allow me to exercise my constitutional right. It’s typical of how the ruling class screws hypothetical working people in this country.”

Roommate Angelika Holman was getting ready for her night shift last night when Scovell hassled her about “rocking the vote.”

“Aaron asked me to join him in a labor strike Tuesday so that we could all go out to vote and then afterward get ‘ripped to the gills watching the results,’” said Holman. “I decided it wasn’t worth explaining that you can’t strike when you haven’t had a job since Obama’s first term. Instead, I said that my boss is giving me an extra long lunch break to vote… at which point, he called me a sellout and asked if he could borrow $40 for a pair of nunchucks he saw on eBay.”

Scovell’s last known place of employment, a FedEx shipping center, was contacted for insight.

“Aaron was only here for about a week: he showed up to training reeking of gin, obviously hungover, and asking if we could float him his paycheck early,” said shift supervisor Gregory Lynn. “I knew he was trouble when, during his interview, he told me his goal in life was to find a slippery floor at a WalMart that didn’t already have a ‘wet floor’ sign. And after he was fired, he tried stealing a bunch of bubble wrap. I have no idea what he would have used it for.”

Scovell was last seen standing listlessly outside of his local polling place after learning not only is he not registered to vote, he technically does not live in Georgia.

If God Wanted Me To Vote for a Progressive Then He Should Have Made Me More Open-Minded

Posted on by Constantine Platanias

As an aspiring pastor, I wish that people were always asking me if I believe Donald Trump is a Godly man. If they did, I would tell them I don’t know what’s inside the man’s heart. But what I do know is that if our Heavenly Father wanted me to vote for a racially-tolerant, climate-conscious, pro-choice liberal, then why the Hell did He make me such a narrow-minded prick?

Don’t get me wrong, I see where they’re coming from. It only took a couple months in office for Trump to violate just about every one of God’s sacred laws. But when I think about casting my vote for a Democrat who wants to give healthcare to every American, I get sick to my stomach. Not literally, of course. I can’t afford the hospital bill.

Is that God telling me not to vote for Joe Biden? Is He telling me, personally, that He’s updated His code of morality to accommodate our President’s unconventional lifestyle? Maybe we only think banging porn stars while your wife is at home with your newborn child is a sin because God hasn’t updated the rule book lately. Who’s to say? And to answer that question, Trump will tell you it’s… well, Trump.

Still, I can’t help but wonder why God would use me to deliver His word if I’m really too much of a racist coward to stand by my principles. I guess God works in mysterious, biggoted ways sometimes.

At the end of the day, I have faith that God wants what is most convenient for me. And right now, that means voting for Donald Trump.

Desperate Trump Not Sure if Threatening to Release Pee Tape Will Help or Hurt His Chances

Posted on by Ted Pillow

WASHINGTON — A panicked President Trump is debating whether releasing his infamous “pee tape” would help or hurt his chances in the upcoming election, confirmed dead-eyed White House sources who can’t believe they went to Yale for this shit.

“President Trump is very concerned about the poll numbers,” admitted campaign advisor Glenn Vitale. “However, he believes vowing to release the infamous pee tape if he doesn’t win may turn fearful voters to his side. Needless to say, his advisors are adamant that confirming the existence of the tape will destroy his chances. More importantly, we are all absolutely begging him to stop playing the tape over and over again on the campaign bus’s 65” flat screen. It’s just unnecessary.”

Although most analysts agree that acknowledging the footage would disturb and scare off voters, some argue it could be just the spark the Trump campaign needs.

“Release the pee tape now!” shouted FOX News host Sean Hannity. “Forget threatening to do it, just do it. Everyone thought he was going to lose in 2016, but right before the election a tape came out of him bragging about sexual assault…and he won! This is a classic GOP strategy, like fear mongering and voter suppression. For example, many pundits think George H.W. Bush never would’ve gotten elected if it wasn’t for that leaked video of him simultaneously weeping and jacking off in an Arby’s drive-thru. Republicans love that kind of thing!”

Pollsters have been weighing the effect the tape might have on undecided voters.

“Would I be more or less likely to vote for Trump if he blackmailed the country with a recording of him watching Russian prostitutes taking a leak?” wondered undecided voter Brad Diekerman, a 46-year-old scuba diving instructor from battleground state Pennsylvania. “That’s a tough one. On one hand, gross. On the other hand, we’ve all gone to a bachelor party in Atlantic City and paid for that sort of thing, right? To be honest, I’m not so good with decisions. I’ll probably do what our founding fathers would’ve wanted and just watch a bunch of TV on Election Day and see which candidate has the most commercials.”

Worrying Democrats, analysts predict releasing the tape may actually be what sways a horny, fucked-up Florida to vote for Trump.

Group of Lifelong Friends Ruins Franchise by Adding Child Character

Posted on by Jake Menez

NEW YORK — A group of lifelong friends prepared to have their dynamic changed this week as the announcement was made that a baby would be added into any future adventures, thanks to couple Tim Andrews and Kelsey Greene. 

“We’re very excited to announce that we are expecting a son soon. This feels like the natural progression of our story,” Andrews and Greene announced in a joint statement to the other two friends in their group. “We hope everyone else gets as much enjoyment out of this new member of the family as we do. We’ve looked at a lot of names and haven’t settled on any one just yet, but there’s definitely a short list we’re eyeing that we’d like to explore more. Regardless, expect him to make his debut next year and join us in whatever we get up to going forward.”

Reactions were split, with the most positive reception coming from close friend Matt Jones, the practical one.

“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised,” Jones explained following the announcement. “I’d overheard them talking about it a couple seasons ago—back in the springtime, I mean. They said that instead of trying, they’d just see what happened. It was actually a really sweet moment. I remember the people on the street who heard them let out an ‘awww.’”

Others were less enthusiastic about the news of a child being added to the group. The group’s “zany” friend, Jim Mandell, seemed particularly annoyed by the development. 

“Why have a kid? People add kids into the mix when things are getting stale and that’s not us,” Mandell reportedly said to his friends at the diner they frequent. “Just last month, I saved that cabbie from choking and he was my butler for a week out of gratitude, remember? Or what about two Christmases ago when pop sensation Donny Osmond reminded us of the joy of giving? Classic stuff! God help that kid if he ends up developing a catchphrase.”

At press time, the group was hard at work planning a baby shower for Greene and Andrews. The hour-long special event is expected to garner a large audience and will feature a number of familiar faces from the friends’ previous adventures, including a guest appearance by Andrews’ own father.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Horrible Goose Caught Scaring Voters Away From Early Voting Site

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

KEENE, Ky. — Several Keene residents have reported cases of voter intimidation at the small town’s early voting location, noting that the polls are being guarded by a no good, horrible goose.

“I got to the front of the line after hours of waiting and I suddenly heard a honk,” said DeAndre Holmes. “I turned around and this crazy bird just chased me all the way down the street. It’s bad enough knowing that they’re just going to throw my vote out or make up a new ID law when I get inside, but now I have to deal with this goose too? What a rotten day.”

The avian culprit was the cause of several hijinks at the voting site, such as stealing pens from every booth and scattering voter rolls across the floor. The goose was also able to cut through a loose wire with its beak, shutting down the site’s sole vote counting machine before rogue Republican poll workers could.

“I simply don’t see this goose as a menace to election security,” said Republican Senator Mitch McConnell. “If anything, it is doing a great service to our state. I’ve heard that it managed to get a hold of a local drop-off box and drag it into a nearby pond, and frankly that saved us a lot of time and kerosene.”

Despite its terror tactics, the goose’s political affiliations are unclear. Locals reported that the bird was seen chasing off members of white supremacist group the Proud Boys by flapping its great, big wings.

“I came here hoping to scare some of these dirty liberals off today,” said Proud Boys member Clayton Ashby. “But this hunk of feathers untied my shoes when I wasn’t looking and knocked me flat on my ass. My handgun went off and shot me in my foot. And then the damn thing has the nerve to grab my Oakleys off my face while I’m bleeding out? Somebody ought to do something about this domestic terrorist.”

Local authorities say they are committed to protecting the community from the menace. Keene police plan on arresting the goose in hopes that it’ll be charged with a felony, keeping it away from polling sites permanently.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Black Man Stuck in Line at Polling Station Receives “I Tried to Vote” Sticker

Posted on by Billy Patterson

MOULTRIE, Ga. — Local Black man Darius Phillips received an “I Tried to Vote” sticker after waiting in line for over six hours at a local early voting polling station today, patriotic sources confirmed.

“It would’ve been nice to exercise my fundamental rights as an American, but at least I got some recognition,” mused Phillips, applying the sticker as he trudged back to his car. “Someone said these stickers will get you a free coffee at 7-Eleven — which doesn’t seem like a fair trade for this many hours of my time and a vacation day — but it’s better than nothing. I mean, my great-grandfather would have been mercilessly beaten if he stood in line to vote, so I guess this is progress.”

Tammy Leigh Bennett, a volunteer who helped distribute the stickers, had a similarly optimistic view.

“It’s so inspiring to see people from different minority communities wearing their ‘I Tried to Vote’ stickers. These people have been let down so many times by the American political system, but they’re still trying their best to take part in what we’re told is democracy, and it feels good to reward them,” Bennett stated. “Hopefully, these stickers will encourage other people to head down to the one polling station in their county and stand in line for hours while armed militia men yell slurs at them before eventually losing hope and going home.”

“It reminds us how lucky we are to live in this country,” she added. “People in Russia or China would kill for the opportunity to be denied the chance to cast a ballot.”

However, some would-be voters, like college student Jennifer Valdez, were not supportive of the promotion.

“It totally trivializes the act of trying to vote,” said Valdez. “I see people taking selfies with their stickers when their ID gets denied — it’s so narcissistic. You should spend your entire day off trying to vote because it’s your civic duty, not because you want clout on social media. I wish they would get rid of those stickers and hand out food instead, because a lot of the first-time voters forgot to pack a lunch.”

The hashtag #ITriedToVote is now trending on Twitter after several celebrities and corporate brands made posts celebrating all the people who unsuccessfully attempted to take part in this historic election.

Police Force Baffled After Raspy-Voiced Detective in Leather Jacket Solves Case Through Conventional Means

Posted on by Piotr Parker

CHARLOTTE, N.C. — Raspy-voiced, leather jacket-clad renegade Det. Mitchell Steele, who by all accounts plays by his own rules, solved a missing child case last week through textbook field work, deductive reasoning, and a total lack of semi-justifiable homicides, shocking police nationwide.

“When I first assigned the case to Det. Steele, he requested the names of everyone in the boy’s extended family,” said Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Chief Harrison Daniels. “I thought, ‘Oh shit, here we go.’ But turns out, it was because most missing children are found with someone they already know. Who knew the answer was so simple? The worst part is that I was really drawing out my words in anticipation of him slamming his fist on his desk and shouting, ‘DAMN IT THERE’S NO TIME!’ God, I must have sounded like such a putz.”

Steele’s partner, by-the-books veteran Jacob Adams, was dumbfounded by the detective’s total lack of wry humor and “loose cannon” behavior.

“When the kid was found with an uncle, completely unharmed and in no danger of being used as a pawn in some diabolical terrorist plot, you’d expect Steele to at least share a memorable one-liner. Instead, he shook the mother’s hand and said, ‘Just doing our job, ma’am,’” said Adams. “I tried to save face back at HQ by shouting, ‘I guess this one was just child’s play.’ Steele didn’t even laugh — he just rolled his eyes and quietly filed his paperwork.”

However, CMPD administrative assistant Walter Greene is concerned Det. Steele’s newfound penchant for traditional police work may have unexpected and disastrous effects.

“70% of our department’s budget — and approximately 90% of my job — is dedicated to putting out the fires started by ‘shootouts on top of tall buildings’ style police work,” remarked Greene. “And that’s just the figurative fires: the literal ones are putting a real strain on our once-amicable relationship with the fire department, too. Anyways, if this trend continues, we run the risk of losing a significant chunk of our funding.”

Steele uncharacteristically declined to comment, citing that it is against CMPD policy to speak with the media without first obtaining permission from public affairs.

QAnon Supporter Wishes President Would Get Off Twitter and Focus on Hunting Democratic Pedophile Satanists

Posted on by Constantine Platanias

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Local QAnon follower and noted conspiracy theorist Nick Perriman complained to friends today that President Trump is wasting too much time on Twitter when he should be busy hunting “the Satan-worshipping, democratic pedophiles infecting our government.”

“All this incessant tweeting is distracting him from doing the job we elected him to do — root out the deep state liberal occultists who are kidnapping our children and selling them as sex slaves to the mega rich pro-vax pervert socialists,” said Perriman, a divorced father of three. “The President needs to grow up and act responsibly. Otherwise, how am I supposed to trust that the Illuminati hasn’t already replaced my kids with lab-grown replicants?”

Even some of the President’s most vocal supporters in the media have echoed similar concerns about his social media habits.

“There’s too much work to be done for him to spend all day tweeting and golfing,” said far-right radio host Alex Jones. “Xi Jinping isn’t doing that, and neither are the interdimensional space demons trying to turn our oceans transgender. We need action, and we need it now. Joe Biden and the lizard people are set to steal this election, and if they do, you bet your ass they’ll take your guns and your children, and then shave your dog.”

The Trump campaign released a statement reassuring voters that the President remains laser-focused on purging the government of all the evildoers they’ve read about in online forums.

“President Trump’s tireless efforts have helped him uncover mountains of evidence directly implicating the Democratic party in every sort of weird, fantastical crime you can imagine, from the Clinton Foundation spending billions to bring Jeffrey Epstein back from the dead, to Obama sheltering Bin Laden in his childhood home in Kenya,” wrote White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany. “However, the President feels this evidence is too shocking to reveal to the public until after the election. Until then, he will continue to use Twitter to comfort a divided nation.”

At press time, the President claimed he was late for a rally because he just broke up a Marxist dog fighting ring in the basement of a Mexican restaurant where Democratic politicians dine on baby livers and sacrifice puppies to the ghost of Ruth Bader Ginsburg.