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Police Force Baffled After Raspy-Voiced Detective in Leather Jacket Solves Case Through Conventional Means

CHARLOTTE, N.C. — Raspy-voiced, leather jacket-clad renegade Det. Mitchell Steele, who by all accounts plays by his own rules, solved a missing child case last week through textbook field work, deductive reasoning, and a total lack of semi-justifiable homicides, shocking police nationwide.

“When I first assigned the case to Det. Steele, he requested the names of everyone in the boy’s extended family,” said Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Chief Harrison Daniels. “I thought, ‘Oh shit, here we go.’ But turns out, it was because most missing children are found with someone they already know. Who knew the answer was so simple? The worst part is that I was really drawing out my words in anticipation of him slamming his fist on his desk and shouting, ‘DAMN IT THERE’S NO TIME!’ God, I must have sounded like such a putz.”

Steele’s partner, by-the-books veteran Jacob Adams, was dumbfounded by the detective’s total lack of wry humor and “loose cannon” behavior.

“When the kid was found with an uncle, completely unharmed and in no danger of being used as a pawn in some diabolical terrorist plot, you’d expect Steele to at least share a memorable one-liner. Instead, he shook the mother’s hand and said, ‘Just doing our job, ma’am,’” said Adams. “I tried to save face back at HQ by shouting, ‘I guess this one was just child’s play.’ Steele didn’t even laugh — he just rolled his eyes and quietly filed his paperwork.”

However, CMPD administrative assistant Walter Greene is concerned Det. Steele’s newfound penchant for traditional police work may have unexpected and disastrous effects.

“70% of our department’s budget — and approximately 90% of my job — is dedicated to putting out the fires started by ‘shootouts on top of tall buildings’ style police work,” remarked Greene. “And that’s just the figurative fires: the literal ones are putting a real strain on our once-amicable relationship with the fire department, too. Anyways, if this trend continues, we run the risk of losing a significant chunk of our funding.”

Steele uncharacteristically declined to comment, citing that it is against CMPD policy to speak with the media without first obtaining permission from public affairs.