ATLANTA — Quasi-political punk Aaron Scovell convinced himself yesterday that, if he had a job and was registered, his theoretical “douchenozzle boss” wouldn’t let him off to vote in the 2020 Presidential election, sources tired of hearing him complain confirmed.
“The election is either today or tomorrow. There’s also an outside chance that it already happened. But I’m pretty sure I didn’t miss it,” said Scovell. “Obviously, I’m excited to vote, and I’m a huge supporter of… uh… the guy. The best one, that guy. But it makes me sick knowing that if I had a job, my boss would probably almost definitely not allow me to exercise my constitutional right. It’s typical of how the ruling class screws hypothetical working people in this country.”
Roommate Angelika Holman was getting ready for her night shift last night when Scovell hassled her about “rocking the vote.”
“Aaron asked me to join him in a labor strike Tuesday so that we could all go out to vote and then afterward get ‘ripped to the gills watching the results,’” said Holman. “I decided it wasn’t worth explaining that you can’t strike when you haven’t had a job since Obama’s first term. Instead, I said that my boss is giving me an extra long lunch break to vote… at which point, he called me a sellout and asked if he could borrow $40 for a pair of nunchucks he saw on eBay.”
Scovell’s last known place of employment, a FedEx shipping center, was contacted for insight.
“Aaron was only here for about a week: he showed up to training reeking of gin, obviously hungover, and asking if we could float him his paycheck early,” said shift supervisor Gregory Lynn. “I knew he was trouble when, during his interview, he told me his goal in life was to find a slippery floor at a WalMart that didn’t already have a ‘wet floor’ sign. And after he was fired, he tried stealing a bunch of bubble wrap. I have no idea what he would have used it for.”
Scovell was last seen standing listlessly outside of his local polling place after learning not only is he not registered to vote, he technically does not live in Georgia.