Liberal Asks Ballot Station Attendee if They Have Any Larger “I Voted” Stickers in the Back

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Lifelong Democrat Hunter Matthew Sullivanor asked a ballot station attendee today if they had any larger “I Voted” stickers in the back of his polling place after he finished voting, a group of side-eyeing witnesses reported.

“My Instagram followers expect a certain level of exceptionalism from me, and there’s no better way to illustrate that than an unnecessarily large sticker,” said Sullivanor before asking Alexa to play NPR while rifling through his New Yorker tote. “When the attendee told me that they only had one size, I had no choice but to ask to see the manager. Sure, I know they’re just volunteers who do this because of their dedication to a fair election, but I seriously need to spread awareness that I voted. And voted pretty easily, for that matter — mainly because I’m in a predominantly white neighborhood and don’t have to wait very long in line.”

Workers at the ballot station seemed to keep their cool.

“Our orientation actually went over the exact protocols for deescalating a situation with a disgruntled performative liberal,” said ballot attendee Katherine Waystrickland. “It’s important to remain calm and offer them a gift certificate to Starbucks for their inconvenience. And if that doesn’t work, we ask them for a four-letter word for ‘the capital of Norway’ for the New York Times crossword puzzle we’re pretendjng to do, and by golly, that always diverts their attention long enough to forget about the dumb sticker.”

Experts have admittedly seen a dip in voter participation because of the nature of these gestures.

“A lot of people are already turned off by the candidates themselves, and these ‘I Voted’ stickers simply exacerbates the cringe factor,” said political analyst Nancy Flowersign. “Instead of inspiring others to vote, these stickers actually come across as objectionably sanctimonious and compel people to stay home on Election Day. Sure, it’s an incredibly ludicrous reason not to vote, until you see one of these posts yourself and say, ‘I think I’ll sit this one out, democracy.’”

Sullivanor has since created a Yelp page for the polling station to post a scathing review about the “unfair treatment” he experienced while trying to prove that he voted.

Gamer Buys Both Nate Silver and Nate Gold Versions to Get Full Results

ERIE, Pa. — Local gamer Glenn Rice reportedly purchased both Nate Silver and Nate Gold versions of the 2020 presidential election forecast in order to get a full picture of the expected results.

“Some people say it’s a cash grab to have two versions, but it’s the only way to get the complete results,” said Rice. “In the Nate Gold version, all of your polls have a +5% margin of error. Without the Nate Silver version’s -5% margin to balance it out, you’re going to be overestimating support for any candidate.”

In addition to balancing out the margin of error, Rice also detailed the exclusive exit polls featured in each version.

“I did a lot of research beforehand and saw that each version only has a certain number of states in it,” he said, pulling up both versions side by side to illustrate. “So for example, if I bought the Nate Silver version I’d have Pennsylvania’s exit polls but not Florida’s. I’d have to find someone who bought Nate Gold and trade poll results with them to complete the electoral map. It just seemed way easier to buy both, especially since the election may not even be called on November 3rd. There’s no way I’ll be able to wait more than 24 hours for official results.”

Despite the advantage of buying both copies of the game, Rice ran into a strange glitch present in both versions: a mysterious poll that didn’t belong to any state would randomly appear and cause various technical issues.

“Oh yeah, I read about this. It’s the MissingSta glitch,” he said, unperturbed. “You need to be careful with this one because it automatically increases the electoral votes of the sixth-place candidate by 538. Pretty sure the developers wanted to include Puerto Rico, but it ended up not happening, and that’s where that comes from.” 

At press time, Rice was disappointed to discover that all his friends had instead purchased NBC’s SteveKornackMon.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Black Metal Band to Vote for Greater of Two Evils

CONSHOHOCKEN, Pa. — Local black metal band Nocturnal Defacement announced their public support yesterday for the “greater of two evils” in the upcoming presidential election, fans who kind of preferred the band didn’t say anything confirmed.

“We hereby endorse Donald J. Trump for President and fully support his effort to keep America vile,” said the band’s singer Lance “Bloodwart” Follicker while adding a handful of inverted cross patches to his extra large “Trump 2020” flag. “If anything, that guy isn’t evil enough. Sure, he’s unequivocally malevolent and has single-handedly helped kill over 200,000 Americans just this year without a single gesture of empathy, but he’s not nearly as willfully evil as Mitch McConnell, who would quite possibly be the most ideal presidential candidate we’ve ever seen. I guess we’ll have to settle for the slightly lesser of the greatest of evils this time around until ‘Malicious’ Mitch runs for President himself.”

However, not all members of the electorate agree on which candidate is the most heinous.

“Trump isn’t evil at all in the eyes of the evangelical community — he’s like the modern day Jesus without all that politically correct kindness nonsense,” said Gary Wondersmith, guitarist for the Christian metal band White Sabbath. “If you really think about it, Trump is the most Christian president we’ve ever had… you have to really, really think about it though. Now, Biden, that guy is evil. I read online that he runs a secret sex cult with Jeff Bezos out of a closed down Old Country Buffet. As a Christian I want to vote for Trump, but as a metalhead, my heart says Biden.”

Indeed, experts have noticed a trend of voter turnout based solely on a candidate’s behavior.

“A lot of voters out there are single-issue voters, and for Metalheads, it’s what candidate would they most like to slaughter a goat with — some of them just happen to make diabolical corruption and the uncanny ability to make others suffer their sole issue,” said political strategist Hanna MacIntrink. “Let’s face it: being good and wholesome is bland. What captivates the American people is a blatantly nefarious candidate who regularly promotes hurtful rhetoric.”

Records show Nocturnal Defacement voted early by mailing in their ballots with several hand-drawn pentagrams and “666” markings on each of their envelopes.

Coronavirus Looking Forward to Another Four Years

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA — The coronavirus, the cause of a worldwide pandemic that has killed over one million people thus far, endorsed President Trump today in the hopes of securing another four years of unmitigated death and destruction.

“Honestly, no one — and I’m including Xi Jinping in this calculation — has been better for my proliferation and spread than President Trump,” said the virus during a Trump-sanctioned super-spreader event. “His lungs have personally been my home. Not only that, but he helped spread it to plenty of other government officials, and his rallies have pushed me places I never thought I’d go. If you’re an infectious disease and want to reproduce with no impediments, it’s Trump 2020 all the way.”

Undecided voter Kevin Johnson had mixed feelings about the coronavirus giving such a full-lunged endorsement of Trump.

“I suppose I should be more worried that a virus which has led to the death of hundreds of thousands of Americans is on Trump’s side,” said Johnson. “But if Joe Biden is behind the wheel, he might raise my taxes… assuming I get my job at the hotel back, and I receive a $365,000 raise. I just don’t know who to vote for.”

President Trump showed tepid but appreciative acceptance of the coronavirus’ endorsement.

“Look, I know people have a lot of negative things to say about the coronavirus, but this is a great virus — a virus that has grown in America, and I believe has a lot of the same values of the Republican party,” stated a wheezing Trump. “This virus is a part of all of us now, and it seems like a real winner, OK? Because it is definitely winning right now, and I can respect that. A real American virus and a real winner, just like me. Sleepy Joe wants to destroy this kind virus, while I want to work with it to keep America great.”

Trump is now encouraging all of his supporters to lick each other’s faces, as requested directly by the coronavirus.

Voter Waits 8 Long Hours to Cast Ballot for Harambe

CHICAGO — Historically undecided voter Gunther Wexler waited eight grueling hours yesterday to cast a “protest” vote for Harambe, the gorilla who was infamously murdered in 2016 after negligent parents allowed their dumb kid to casually make his way into its enclosure at the Cincinnati Zoo.

“How else am I supposed to prove to the world that this two-party system is completely ridiculous and both candidates are absolutely dreadful?” said Wexler before ordering a “Harambe: Make America Ape Again” hat online. “One candidate is a total narcissistic fascist and aspiring autocrat who uses dangerous rhetoric to actively divide this country, and the other is Joe Biden. Hell, in 2016 I stood in line for six hours to vote for Jill Stein to prove the same exact point. While it didn’t get anyone talking about my cause, it made me feel pretty self-important, and that’s what voting is all about.”

Zoo employees are floored by the amount of attention the gorilla is still receiving.

“It’s quite alarming how many people use the tragic demise of Harambe to make completely unrelated and rather hollow points,” said zookeeper Debbie Weinsenberg. “But the more this silverback gets attention, the more it boosts sales here at the zoo — we still can’t keep our Harambe stuffed animals on the gift shop shelves. So go ahead and vote for absolutely nothing politically, and hopefully everyone will sort of forget that our incompetence is what led to Harambe being executed.”

Experts weighed in on the trend of voting for pop culture references in national elections.

“Protesting is vital to this country’s democracy, and yet we should really, really try not to laugh at a half-assessed attempt to ‘disrupt’ the system by voting for a dead gorilla,” said political analyst Michelle Towerberger. “Also, that Harambe thing happened years ago. At least be a little more current with your reference. If you want to waste your vote in style, there are a ton of up-to-date fake candidate suggestions on the official libertarian website, like Tiger King, Wet Ass Politician, or Gary Johnson. Fuck, just write in Bernie Sanders. At least that makes some sense.”

Wexler has since posted a photo with his “I Voted” sticker along with an exhaustively sanctimonious message on Facebook, completely unaware that almost all of his friends unfollowed him after he recently expressed support for a variety of Qanon conspiracies.

We Look Back on the “Rock Against Bush” Compilations To Figure Out How Fat Mike Stopped His Second Term

The year was 2004 and we were a freshman in high school. While most focused on the defining cultural moment of the year—“Napoleon Dynamite” redefining what humor could be—we were focused on the smaller, but still important issue of voting George W. Bush out of office and replacing him with… well, we don’t remember their name but we do recall feeling very passionately about him or her.

We don’t remember much of the details surrounding that election since that was also the year we discovered you can smoke weed out of a soda can, but I did listen to the “Rock Against Bush” compilations. As we find ourselves in a similarly important election, we looked back on how “Fat” Mike Burkett and the Rock Against Bush campaign successfully ended the tyrannical administration of George W. Bush.

Between the weed, mosh pit concussions, and our obsessive need to replicate the shopping cart skit from “Jackass,” we don’t remember much from this election cycle so we had to base our knowledge of US history on the lyrical content of the songs. After hitting play, we can definitively say that as a result of these $5 albums (free in several issues of “Alternative Press”), not only was a sane voice restored to the White House, but over the course of the two-volume, 54-song set, Burkett’s hand-picked tracklist illustrated how consciously engaging punk rock could effectively bring change to an otherwise corrupt system.

Or maybe it was 2005.

This radical methodology was pivotal for our young mind and “Vol. 1” was there to offer us searing takes on the emotional state of American voters, perhaps best exemplified in Sum 41’s “Moron.” As a 14-year-old who had spent the summer feverishly engrossing himself with the treacherous political landscape that had taken hold of our country, Deryck Whibley’s anguished exclamations were nothing shy of my generation’s “My Generation.”

Armed with the anti-capitalist sentiments of New Found Glory’s “No News Is Good News,” we were ready to reject the consumer ideology that had been force-fed to us our entire life and smash the system. As the compilation raged on, each song carved into us like a musical scalpel. Excitement and fear seemed to exist simultaneously; fighting for control.

We can still remember the moment we knew things were finally over for Bush and his cronies. Our older brother stopped by our local record store to pick up “Vol. 2” after leaving school one afternoon and when he came home he hit play and we heard the truth. From Green Day and Bad Religion to Sugarcult and a 55-second Foo Fighters song, it was clear there was no turning back. Like us, our great nation was forever changed. We’d say we were shocked but, hey, Yellowcard’s cover of “Violins” will do that to you.

Desperate Trump Loads Gun And Heads to 5th Avenue

NEW YORK — A visibly desperate and agitated President Donald Trump loaded his IMI Desert Eagle handgun today and travelled to Manhattan’s 5th Ave. to make good on his initial campaign promise of openly shooting a bystander, hoping to secure enough votes to defeat Democratic challenger Joe Biden.

“These people love me, and I’m here to prove just how much,” explained the gun-wielding leader of the free world in front of Trump Plaza. “I said I could do it, right here in the middle of the street — I said it before the last election, and look what happened: they cheered so loud and voted me into office. This will be the greatest shooting spree in American history — better than any mass casualty event in the history of the country. Very good for our economy. Today, I Make America Great Again!”

Despite appearing more energetic and agile since his COVID-19 diagnosis last month, many in Trump’s own Cabinet frantically tried to discourage him.

“I did my best, but I couldn’t stop him from walking out here,” a tearful Jared Kushner sobbed. “I tried to tell him that murder won’t help, but he wouldn’t listen — he had that ‘I’m going to kiss my adult daughter on the lips’ look in his eyes. I know it all too well. You do not get in front of Daddy when that happens.”

NYPD officers were hesitant to do anything to help millions of panicked New Yorkers.

“This really is an interesting situation we have here,” reported veteran officer Devin Schwortzki. “You see, if he wasn’t white, we’d have just shot him the second we arrived on the scene. But not only is this guy white, he’s the freakin’ President! Honestly, I don’t know if I’m allowed to even tackle him; I’m pretty sure it’s illegal for me to even suggest it. Plus, I already voted for the man, so I feel a moral obligation to just back off and allow him to continue doing great work for this country.”

At press time, Trump’s daughter Ivanka arrived on the scene wearing a short skirt, distracting her father and luring him back to Trump Plaza.

Coward Hour Coil Exclusive: Tarp Time

Coward Hour is the least-informed podcast in America. Each week, leading cowards/disgraced comedians Brendan Krick & Nik Oldershaw spiral on mic, commit gaffes, and descend into conspiracy-laden mental illness. Trust your gut, and prepare for The Event.

New to the show? Listen to our “Best Of” episode.

The boys get Catholic. Brendan reads a harrowing script he wrote in high school. Nik remembers a bunch of times he did acid he forgot about.

Jeffrey Toobin Announces He Failed ‘No Nut November’

NEW YORK — New Yorker reporter Jeffrey Toobin announced on social media today that he failed the viral internet challenge to not ejaculate during the month of November after thinking about the presidential election occurring tonight.

“Is it my fault that the word ‘election is so close to the word ‘erection?’ God damn, just thinking about the electoral process gets me fuckin going,” Toobin said in an accidental Twitter livestream, thinking he was talking to himself. “It’s so unfair that the election happens so early during No Nut November each year. I just wanna live my damn life, but everywhere I look, I’m blasted in the face with sex. People telling me to vote, people posting thirst traps of their ‘I voted stickers,’ photos of long lines at polling locations. I mean, that’s like basically bragging about being in an orgy.”

The New Yorker was quick to suspend Toobin again, essentially double-suspending him — which they explained didn’t double the effects of the suspension, but lengthened the time a bit.

“This fuckin’ guy, man… this fuckin’ guy,” said a representative from The New Yorker. “I mean it’s one thing to jack off in a Zoom meeting at work, because you’re thinking about the election. But why would he choose to participate in No Nut November? Why not just shut it down for a bit? And then he accidentally does a livestream? I’m starting to think we’re all playing a part in this guy’s weird public election fetish or some shit. I mean Jesus Fucking Christ. He’s definitely not coming back to the office for at least two more weeks.”

At press time, speculation that Toobin had been fired from The New Yorker arose after he accidentally updated his LinkedIn job status to a screenshot of him searching “hot Nate Silver map” on PornHub.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Guy Writing In “Waluigi” for President Doesn’t Actually Want Waluigi to Be President

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local voter Martin Frost does not actually want video game character Waluigi to be president, despite writing him in under “president” on his ballot today.

“I just think it’s funny to vote for Waluigi,” Frost explained to friends. “But do I think Waluigi would be a good president? Probably not. He and I don’t exactly share the same values — he’s greedy and vindictive — and I don’t even know what his policies are. Besides, I hate how much Trump golfs now, so I can’t even imagine how much Waluigi would play tennis, or go-kart, or party as president. Thankfully, he’s just a fictional video game character. Also I live in a deep blue state, so it’s pretty unlikely Waluigi would win — at least, according to FiveThirtyEight.”

“Plus,” Frost added, “Waluigi has never been accused of sexual assault, as far as I know.”

Despite it being incredibly unlikely that Joe Biden loses New York state, many of Frost’s friends are upset that he did not vote for Biden in the 2020 election.

“This election is just too important to mess around and not vote for Joe Biden,” said Frost’s friend Caitlyn Montgomery. “Obviously Biden will win New York, but we need to run up the score in case Trump fights it in the Supreme Court. Because I am 100% sure that, when it comes to that, SCOTUS will read the names of every single person who voted for Waluigi — and it’s going to be the deciding factor. Waluigi was created in the year 2000, and I voted for him in that presidential election. I have regretted it every single day since.”

At press time, those familiar with the situation reported that Frost had begun to regret his decision to vote for Waluigi, citing tightening polls, and wished that he had instead voted for Dry Bones.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.