UNITED STATES OF AMERICA — The coronavirus, the cause of a worldwide pandemic that has killed over one million people thus far, endorsed President Trump today in the hopes of securing another four years of unmitigated death and destruction.
“Honestly, no one — and I’m including Xi Jinping in this calculation — has been better for my proliferation and spread than President Trump,” said the virus during a Trump-sanctioned super-spreader event. “His lungs have personally been my home. Not only that, but he helped spread it to plenty of other government officials, and his rallies have pushed me places I never thought I’d go. If you’re an infectious disease and want to reproduce with no impediments, it’s Trump 2020 all the way.”
Undecided voter Kevin Johnson had mixed feelings about the coronavirus giving such a full-lunged endorsement of Trump.
“I suppose I should be more worried that a virus which has led to the death of hundreds of thousands of Americans is on Trump’s side,” said Johnson. “But if Joe Biden is behind the wheel, he might raise my taxes… assuming I get my job at the hotel back, and I receive a $365,000 raise. I just don’t know who to vote for.”
President Trump showed tepid but appreciative acceptance of the coronavirus’ endorsement.
“Look, I know people have a lot of negative things to say about the coronavirus, but this is a great virus — a virus that has grown in America, and I believe has a lot of the same values of the Republican party,” stated a wheezing Trump. “This virus is a part of all of us now, and it seems like a real winner, OK? Because it is definitely winning right now, and I can respect that. A real American virus and a real winner, just like me. Sleepy Joe wants to destroy this kind virus, while I want to work with it to keep America great.”
Trump is now encouraging all of his supporters to lick each other’s faces, as requested directly by the coronavirus.