United States Futilely Attempts to Hide Massive, Embarrassing Election

Posted on by John Danek

WASHINGTON — The United States of America utterly failed in its shame-filled attempts today to obscure its bulging, prominent Presidential election, snickering foreign officials reported.

“Uhh, hey… Hi! Hi. Glad to see you all here… not that I’m imagining you all in your underwear or anything. Just wanted to say, nothing to report — November is shaping up to be one calm, non-threatening, flaccid month of normal American progress,” said Federal Election Commission chairman James E. Trainor III, who recently suggested that President Donald Trump drape a large, denim tarp over the Washington Monument. “So whatever you think you’re seeing in the news or online, it’s probably something else shaped similarly to an election that could fit into the front pocket of society.”

Grassroots organizers were frustrated and disgusted by government officials’ pathetic, transparent deceit.

“I know a throbbing election when I see one, and this one is throbbing real hard. America’s huge election is practically knocking over all of the ideals it holds true,” declared Mari Donahue, who volunteers to help register elderly voters. “I think we’ll all be relieved when this election passes, but right now it’s one of the hardest we have ever seen. It’s time for us to rise up, use our mouths and our voices, and get down to business. And on the environmental side of things, we need to prepare to clean a likely massive spill of freedom in the election’s wake.”

However, some citizens around the world were excited by America’s bulbous display of democracy.

“Oooh, yeah, you naughty country, you! You like that depraved, sick electoral corruption, don’t you?” tweeted Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov, who decorated his tweets with eggplants and water sprays. “You’ve been kinkshaming Russia for decades now, but turns out you Americans are little closet freaks just like us. We don’t have a Russian word for ‘gerrymandering,’ but you better believe I bite my lip every time I hear it. Is ‘Nine Eleven’ still your safeword? Asking for a friend.”

In related news, the tobacco industry recorded record sales last month as the country prepares to enjoy a much-earned cigarette while experiencing its first hint of post-vote clarity in years.

Opinion: Look, I’m as Shocked as You Are That Jo Jorgensen Didn’t Pull This One Off

Posted on by James Knapp

The election result has been just as big of a surprise to me as it has to everyone else I’m sure. But still, I just can’t believe it. How is it even remotely possible that libertarian candidate Jo Jorgensen didn’t win? She really should have had this one in the bag.

I honestly don’t see how anyone could have possibly voted for Biden or Trump. One hasn’t accomplished anything in his forty-plus years in government and the other might be an actual bridge troll. One look at Jo’s poised, confident, maskless face is all you should need to convince you she’s the right person for the job.

I know some people were all in a huff because Jorgensen’s an anti-vaxxer who believes wearing a preventative N95 mask is an affront to her civil liberties, but you know what, I haven’t worn a mask this entire time and so far all I’ve contracted have been typhus, facial gonorrhea, and various touches of flu. For all I know this COVID thing is made up!

I definitely felt like this country was ready for a libertarian president. Everyone always talks about decriminalizing drugs and defunding the police, but now that a candidate promises to do all that and more nobody turns out to vote. Sure, she also wants to completely deregulate healthcare as well, but it’s not like there’s anything going on right now why that would matter.

I hate to say it but far-reaching sexism is the only way I can account for America’s decision not to elect a healthcare abolishing, drug-loving, fringe anti-vaxxer as its leader during this pandemic.

So I guess I just have to say that I’m pretty disappointed with this country right now for failing to support Jo Jorgensen and her obvious greatness in the recent election. Was she the perfect candidate… well yes, yes she was, but that’s beside the point. The fact that a third party candidate with almost no name recognition running in one of the most heated elections in recent history not only didn’t win but received fully zero electoral votes is a damning example of exactly what is wrong with democracy in this country. Shame on you, America.

Well-Regulated Militia Misses Election After Getting Lost in Corn Maze for Three Days

Posted on by James Knapp

SEWARD, Neb. — A far-right militia completely failed in their mission to remain vigilant on election day after the entire group became hopelessly lost in a corn maze designed for children, incompetent sources confirmed.

“The boys and I have been training real hard lately so we can keep an eye out for any of these commie Aniftas trying to sabotage the President’s re-election, and we thought this could be a fun way to blow off a little steam. But darn it, five minutes into that maze and we were as lost as a possum in a tractor factory,” explained noticeably dehydrated militia leader Dale McKraken. “The maze people give you a map when you start, but nobody was willing to leave their spare glock in the truck, so we didn’t have room to carry it. Plus, with all the time we spent on target practice, none of us actually learned how to use a compass.”

“Those damn socialists tricked us with their dirty scheme,” he later added, “getting us real, God-fearing Americans all turned around in a corn maze.”

Local 11-year-old Daniel Sullivan, who completed the maze in just under 26 minutes, recalled encountering members of the militia.

“When I saw those army guys, they all looked really tired and scared. I asked if they needed any help, but they just called me a ‘liberal cuck’ and said they didn’t want any handouts,” recalled Sullivan. “I didn’t think it was a big deal. I got lost for a while too, and it was really fun.”

JoAnne Hill, owner of the farm & maze, gave her perspective on the hapless militia’s situation.

“This shit happens all the time now. A bunch of overconfident MAGA idiots think they’re Davy Crockett, and I’m the one who has to come to the rescue,” said Hill while restocking her supply of signal flares. “This maze was just supposed to be a fun attraction to get people to stop by the farm and buy some gourds or whatever. But instead, a bunch of jackasses who aren’t qualified to work as mall cops think they’re preparing for another civil war. Maybe I should just let them stay lost.”

At press time, militia members had finally found their way back to the parking lot, only to realize they dropped their truck keys somewhere back in the maze.

Possibility of Mending Relationship With Parents Too Early to Call

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

ABINGTON, Mass. — A local man’s chances of talking to his parents in a civil manner once again is too early to call as a neck and neck presidential race rounds into the late hours of the night, experts who also haven’t been able to maintain a relationship with their own parents confirmed.

“My parent’s cult-like obsession with Trump has really driven a wedge between us over the past few years. Last time I went home to visit my mom had covered my elementary school photos with a ‘Trump 2020’ flag and accused me of supporting pedophiles because I said I’d kill myself before voting for Trump,” said reluctant Biden supporter Patrick Sullivan. “I’m hoping Biden wins and they realize he is actually the right-wing candidate they have been hoping for and I can continue to advocate for more social change, but right now it’s not looking good.”

Sullivan’s father says he doesn’t want politics to get between him and his children.

“I love all my kids, but they need to get a clue as to how the real world works. Trump didn’t cause coronavirus, it was Obama’s immigration policy that allowed it to get over here,” said Artie Sullivan. “Sometimes I’m embarrassed by these kids, my oldest is 28 and still rents an apartment. When I was his age I already owned two homes, and this guy can’t even save $3,000 for a down payment even with his three jobs? It just makes me sick.”

Political pundits across the country say the chances of talking to parents again might not be possible for at least a few months.

“With mail-in votes being called into question and a potential Supreme Court fight to decide the president you might as well just make Thanksgiving plans with friends only and just go ahead and call Christmas a loss as well,” said media analyst Christa Cooper. “If Biden wins and the pandemic gets under control by summer 2021 then maybe you will be able to use your parent’s pool without issue, but this could continue to stretch until one of them gets a terminal disease.”

At press time, CNN projected parents across the country will be cutting their children out of their wills until they receive a full apology.

Exit Polls Reveal This Is A Taco Bell

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

CHICAGO — A poll of citizens leaving a nondescript brick building today gave no new information on which to gauge election results, but instead revealed that Taco Bell was offering a $5 Grande Stacker Box, sources trying to explain we weren’t anywhere near an official polling station confirmed.

“I already voted by mail… I’m not exactly sure why you set up all your gear right in the middle of the drive-thru. I know there are a lot of long lines at polling stations, but the reason the line is so long here is because you’re standing in the way,” said Taco Bell patron Penny Nelson before we realized our mistake. “If you have to know, I voted for Biden. I don’t think that has any bearing on why I ordered a Nachos Bell Grande. Please leave. I think management is calling the cops.”

Non-voter Joel Graves, however, felt we were on to a novel idea.

“I would’ve actually voted if I got a free Doritos Locos Taco with my vote,” Graves said while waiting for his food. “Oh! What about, if you vote, you’re entered to win an Xbox Series X? Now that’s a democratic process I can get behind. I’d also vote for whoever promised to bring back the 7-Layer Burrito. Funny thing is, I told my boss I was going to vote so he’d let me leave, but I came here instead.”

Loyola journalism professor Lorraine Craig said this was an honest mistake that could’ve happened to any news outlet.

“I guess you saw a line and assumed it was to vote, not people waiting for a Crunchwrap Supreme,” Craig said, after we asked her where the closest polling location might be. “I know that music is more of your forte, so you should probably just stick with that and let others cover politics. Oh — how about you ask Danzig who he’s voting for? Or maybe make a cute little Spotify playlist for people to listen to today. If you’ll excuse me, CNN is calling.”

While exit polls are never accurate, people lined up to vote at a nearby Chick-Fil-A were heavily pro-Trump.

Melania Trump Caught Stuffing Florida Ballot Box With Votes for Biden

Posted on by Stephen Bell

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. — First Lady Melania Trump was apprehended by Florida election officials this morning after being caught furiously stuffing phony ballots for Democratic Presidential nominee Joe Biden into the local ballot drop off location.

“I’d heard the President’s bluster about voter fraud and people illegally messing with the election results, but I never really bought into it,” said poll worker Alan Potter, who discovered Ms. Trump stuffing the box. “That’s why I was so surprised when I looked out the window and I saw a woman wearing a $10,000 fur coat hurriedly shoving a pickup truck’s worth of ballots into a ballot drop box — you can imagine the shock when I looked into her stony, Medusa face and realized it was Melania. She told me that in exchange, she’d cut me in on some of her ‘hush money allowance’ that Donald gives her every month.”

The First Lady defended her actions as those of a desperate woman.

“I can’t fucking take it anymore, O.K.? When I married Donald, I was just looking for a sugar daddy. I never expected I’d have to do all this FLOTUS shit,” said an exasperated Melania. “They make me stand up to online bullies. Why? I find them hilarious. And I don’t really care about those elaborate White House Christmas decorations, do you? I tried to do such a bad job the first time around that they’d never have me do them again. Can you imagine having to do this another five times? Please, just shoot me now.”

President Trump defended his wife’s actions, despite them actively hurting his struggling campaign.

“Look, it’s very simple: I said there would be voter fraud, and there was voter fraud, O.K.? The Democrats tried to say it wouldn’t happen — it did. So much tampering it makes your head spin,” said President Trump. “Melania loves being the First Lady. Sure, I find her hiding in the Lincoln bedroom crying most nights, but I think it’s because she’s so happy to be with me. Besides, it’s total fake news from Nancy Pelosi and Sleepy Chuck Schumer that she would ever do anything to stop me from winning. You see the way she looks at me — she loves me and only wants the best for us.”

Melania allegedly now has several lawyers looking for mistakes in her naturalization paperwork that could get her forcibly deported back to Slovenia.

New Photo Filter Shows What You Would Look Like in Facial-Recognition Database

Posted on by Kiel Lewis

SAN JOSE, Calif. — App start-up Throl has announced the new FaceServe photo filter, which shows users what they look like in any of the dozens of facial-recognition databases Throl leases to corporate interests and despotic governments.

“We’re very excited for this new opportunity to hold a mirror to society’s face, even if we have to do it one person at a time,” said Throl founder, Percy Brighton, masked under the grease-based Juggalo face-paint that has proven effective in countering the very facial-recognition technology Brighton profits from. “Never before has the opportunity been greater to license a stranger’s image for use in Southeast Asian palm oil marketing.”

FaceServe works by sending user-submitted photos to an Idaho-based server, where biometric data is extracted and distributed. Then, a copy of the interface display used by computers on that network is returned to the user, with listed personal information (i.e. name, address, contact information, purchasing habits, internet use history, etc.). The information is safely redacted to make sure it never gets in the wrong hands.

“We are so proud of the security of our servers. Never before has sensitive information been so safe from the hands of people or entities unwilling to pay top dollar for it”, said Brighton while flipping through a key ring full of USB drives loaded with bitcoin account information. “In fact, we are so dedicated to security that we work with a number of national security forces around the world to provide them with the facial data we collect from all users, especially if they’re the sort of troublemakers who direct revolutionary thinking away from app development.”

Rumors suggest Throl’s next project will merge FaceServe with a typical face-swapping app, so users can see what their friends and family might look like in the database as well.

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Animal Crossing Villagers Actually Haven’t Noticed You’ve Been Gone

Posted on by Pat Cavanaugh

DESERTED ISLAND — Villagers on the island you helped populate haven’t noticed your multi-month absence, according to reporters who recently visited.

“Steve… Steve. Was he one of the penguins?” asked Scoot between jumping jacks. “Oh, Steve, the guy who made the store! I remember him. Man, have things changed. Does Steve still live here, zip zoom?

Scoot was not alone. The majority of the island inhabitants had trouble remembering when they last saw you, if they recalled you at all.

“You know, life moves on. Flowers keep blooming. Fruit keeps growing. Waves keep crashing. We all thought Steve was just staying in more or something,” said Marshal while puffing on a hand-rolled cigarette. “I mean, it made sense—he had the biggest house on the island. Then weeds started growing around his mansion, and we thought maybe he got lazy. And then we stopped thinking of him at all, sulky.”

When you arrived on the island, you unwittingly assisted Tom Nook in seizing absolute economic power. Since you’ve been away, the residents have restructured their society to be more equitable.

“Some months back, we held an island meeting and decided our system wasn’t just. We voted to convert Nook’s Cranny into a co-op, we outlawed Tom Nook’s loans, and we seized the land for the community, foxtrot,” said Audie. “Now we spend so little time working and so much time drinking mojitos by the beach that anything in the ‘before times,’ as we say, doesn’t seem real.”

There was one villager who remembered you with clarity, though.

“Of course I remember Steve, crisp!” said Raymond. “Guy bought me for $50 on eBay and then ghosted. Now the commies have taken over.”

“This is my hell!” screamed Raymond as he fired off a desperate networking email.

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Liberal Asks Ballot Station Attendee if They Have Any Larger “I Voted” Stickers in the Back

Posted on by Bobby Korec

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Lifelong Democrat Hunter Matthew Sullivanor asked a ballot station attendee today if they had any larger “I Voted” stickers in the back of his polling place after he finished voting, a group of side-eyeing witnesses reported.

“My Instagram followers expect a certain level of exceptionalism from me, and there’s no better way to illustrate that than an unnecessarily large sticker,” said Sullivanor before asking Alexa to play NPR while rifling through his New Yorker tote. “When the attendee told me that they only had one size, I had no choice but to ask to see the manager. Sure, I know they’re just volunteers who do this because of their dedication to a fair election, but I seriously need to spread awareness that I voted. And voted pretty easily, for that matter — mainly because I’m in a predominantly white neighborhood and don’t have to wait very long in line.”

Workers at the ballot station seemed to keep their cool.

“Our orientation actually went over the exact protocols for deescalating a situation with a disgruntled performative liberal,” said ballot attendee Katherine Waystrickland. “It’s important to remain calm and offer them a gift certificate to Starbucks for their inconvenience. And if that doesn’t work, we ask them for a four-letter word for ‘the capital of Norway’ for the New York Times crossword puzzle we’re pretendjng to do, and by golly, that always diverts their attention long enough to forget about the dumb sticker.”

Experts have admittedly seen a dip in voter participation because of the nature of these gestures.

“A lot of people are already turned off by the candidates themselves, and these ‘I Voted’ stickers simply exacerbates the cringe factor,” said political analyst Nancy Flowersign. “Instead of inspiring others to vote, these stickers actually come across as objectionably sanctimonious and compel people to stay home on Election Day. Sure, it’s an incredibly ludicrous reason not to vote, until you see one of these posts yourself and say, ‘I think I’ll sit this one out, democracy.’”

Sullivanor has since created a Yelp page for the polling station to post a scathing review about the “unfair treatment” he experienced while trying to prove that he voted.

Gamer Buys Both Nate Silver and Nate Gold Versions to Get Full Results

Posted on by Saad Khan

ERIE, Pa. — Local gamer Glenn Rice reportedly purchased both Nate Silver and Nate Gold versions of the 2020 presidential election forecast in order to get a full picture of the expected results.

“Some people say it’s a cash grab to have two versions, but it’s the only way to get the complete results,” said Rice. “In the Nate Gold version, all of your polls have a +5% margin of error. Without the Nate Silver version’s -5% margin to balance it out, you’re going to be overestimating support for any candidate.”

In addition to balancing out the margin of error, Rice also detailed the exclusive exit polls featured in each version.

“I did a lot of research beforehand and saw that each version only has a certain number of states in it,” he said, pulling up both versions side by side to illustrate. “So for example, if I bought the Nate Silver version I’d have Pennsylvania’s exit polls but not Florida’s. I’d have to find someone who bought Nate Gold and trade poll results with them to complete the electoral map. It just seemed way easier to buy both, especially since the election may not even be called on November 3rd. There’s no way I’ll be able to wait more than 24 hours for official results.”

Despite the advantage of buying both copies of the game, Rice ran into a strange glitch present in both versions: a mysterious poll that didn’t belong to any state would randomly appear and cause various technical issues.

“Oh yeah, I read about this. It’s the MissingSta glitch,” he said, unperturbed. “You need to be careful with this one because it automatically increases the electoral votes of the sixth-place candidate by 538. Pretty sure the developers wanted to include Puerto Rico, but it ended up not happening, and that’s where that comes from.” 

At press time, Rice was disappointed to discover that all his friends had instead purchased NBC’s SteveKornackMon.

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