Emotional Cheating: What It Is and How To Accuse Your Partner of It for Doing Literally Anything

Posted on by Eric Navarro

In our modern romantic landscape, it’s important to have well-defined terminology when it comes to your boundaries. You don’t want some minor issue of yours going unsaid early-on that turns into something major down the road. Equally important, is to use your boundaries as a weapon on your partner anytime they do something you don’t like.

Enter emotional cheating: the greatest thing for manipulative partners since regular cheating!

Emotional cheating is a term with a range of interpretations. Most often, the definition of emotional cheating is sharing intense, non-sexual emotional interactions with someone who is not a partner, family member, or longtime platonic friend. Those people are obviously wrong. Emotional cheating is when your partner gives any ounce of attention to anything other than you. And this includes inanimate objects for any of you out there who want to make excuses for your partner.

Here are three of the best times to accuse your partner of emotional cheating:

When they tell a story about a coworker of their preferred sex – Who in the FUCK do they think they are having an emotionally-pleasing conversation with a coworker? More importantly, who the fuck do they think YOU are?! Some doormat begging to be abused? Fuck that. You tell your partner if they bring up that piece of shit coworker one more time they’re going to wind up locked in their own burning townhome. Then cheat on them just because.

When they tell their grandmother they love them – Ew. What a piece of shit. You’ve been together how many weeks and they still haven’t said that to you! Plus, old people have a high rate of contracting emotional STD’s. End this now. Just get it over with. Seriously, hire that hitman you’ve had your eye on and just end this fucker’s life.

When they hug their child – An emotional cheater is bad enough, but to emotionally cheat on you with a child?! What a disgusting pig of a person. As a person of worth, get out now. You deserve someone so much better to abuse.

Old Family Recipe Unnecessarily Racist

Posted on by Ryan Danley

BOSTON — Recently deceased grandmother Anita Reilly’s bereaved found yesterday a trove of family recipes, including one for a beloved, secret family soup that was also “racist as fuck,” sources trying to transcribe the non-offensive parts of the recipe confirmed.

“In memory of my Gam Gam, I was going to make a batch of that delicious soup she always made for family reunions. So I dug through her old recipe cards… and holy shit, the recipe read like a fucking Klan pamphlet,” said Reilly’s grandson Mark O’Brien. “I mean, every single ingredient had a slur attached: Jews, Italians, and Latinos were all represented with words I won’t repeat. And at the end, it asked for a sprinkling of ‘ground N-word toes,’ which apparently is brazil nuts. I don’t even think this soup needed brazil nuts — they just added them to make it more racist.”

While most were stunned to find out the sweet, soft-spoken woman would be associated with something so hateful, her son Sean Reilly thinks everyone is overreacting.

“It was a different time; my mother didn’t have a racist bone in her body. In fact, we had an entire cabinet filled with salt and pepper shakers that looked like black people in funny poses. Why would she have those unless she loved Black people?” said Sean. “She was the one who taught me to judge a man on his character, unless, of course, he’s a Jew, and then to judge him on whether he takes responsibility for all of the wars. But anti-semitism isn’t racism. This isn’t worth getting worked up over.”

Experts warn that as older generations die off, more “old fashioned” recipes will be uncovered.

“These days, no one wants to see that sort of language. But to deny those recipes is forgetting the proud history of the hateful bigots who built some of our most beloved family entrees,” said Vintage Recipe Society President Victoria Paulson. “We have to hide these recipes away to protect and preserve them. Don’t let your commie granddaughter get her little feminist hands on a proper pound cake recipe that features some derogatory term about Asians. She’ll just throw it away, and our great pound cake history will be lost forever.”

The Reillys were unavailable for further comment, as they were having their Grandfather’s signed copy of Mein Kampf appraised for insurance purposes.

Photo by Jack Bravstein.

Here’s What Type of Depression You Have Based on the Type of Cheese Curd You’re Eating

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

So, here you are. Sitting in a dive bar in some town in Wisconsin. You just ordered your second round of deep-fried cheese curds. You’re depressed again. But which kind of depression has you staring down the barrel of yet another serving of fried curd? Well, we can tell simply by your preferred curd.

Persistent Depression – If your typical Tuesday is sitting alone in your car outside of The Curdle Corner shoving molten balls of curd into your mouth, you may have persistent depression. Consult a psychiatric professional immediately after one more helping of the ol’ squeaky cheese.

Seasonal Depression – As it gets colder, do you find yourself funneling curds in order to pack on the 15 pounds needed to achieve proper holiday weight? If so, you may be suffering from seasonal depression. So once you’ve finished one last helping of curds from the Chevron station in Bosstown, Wisconsin—and don’t forget to use the curds as a spoon to scoop up the boiled peanut water aioli—give a professional a call.

Manic Depression – If you’ve found yourself buying a FryDaddy and a ten-gallon jug of corn oil convinced that you can make your own, better, curds only to find yourself covered in burns, you most likely have manic depression. Maybe don’t try another batch and use your non-burned hand to look up a therapist.

Situational Depression – It is the Wisconsin State Fair. One of your kids is throwing a tantrum, the other is throwing up, and your wife is flirting with a carney. If this yearly tradition is also the only time you find yourself knee-deep in the cheese curds from Live & Let Fry, you are likely experiencing situational depression. Grab a deep-fried snickers bar and seek help!

Perinatal Depression – If you just sent your husband out for more Chili Smothered Cheese Curds from Lucky Lukas’ Cheese ‘N’ Things and he better keep his mouth shut about it, you likely have perinatal depression. It’s not your fault, though. He did this to you! You could have married anyone! You could have married Lucky Lukas himself and been Cheese Curd Queen of the Midwest!

Major Depression – You are eating goddamn mozzarella sticks from Pizza Hut. Things must be really bad. We highly recommend you call your therapist but also call the bartender at Der Käsehaus and place an order. Their curds are like cheesy Prosac.

Punk House Somehow Doesn’t Have Stupid Name

Posted on by Ramona Apthorp

LOS ANGELES — Local punk Rachel Hacker moved yesterday into Nordhoff house, the surprisingly simple and reasonably-named community house and DIY space located at 29 Nordhoff Avenue, according to sources.

“I honestly still don’t believe it. I asked all my new house mates if it had like, a secret, dumb second name, like ‘The Beer Pit’ or some shit like that. Much to my delight, the name is literally just Nordhoff House. I still think they might be fucking with me,” Hacker said. “I’ve lived in my fair share of horribly named punk and DIY spaces, so you could say I’m pretty excited to live in a house that is just referred to as the name of the street it’s on.”

“The last place I lived was literally called ‘Cumbo the Clown’s Big Top for Big Tops,’” Hacker added. “So, yeah, this feels like a step up from that, for sure.”

Echo Rose, founder of community house and DIY space The Nuthouse, was not as keen about a boring-named punk house.

“Who the fuck do these posers think they are, naming their space after the street they’re on? There’s a precedent set! Do they not respect the spaces that came before us? Have these assholes never heard of The Final Stop, The Fruit Can, The Stnk Villa, or The Sick Shop?” screamed a feverish Rose. “What about House on Haunted Pill, or Cock Tease… or even just The Shit House, for fuck’s sake? Do those Nordhoff asholes not care about the legacy and importance of the place in the valley where Henry Rollins once took a dump in the early 90s? Show some respect.”

However, next door neighbor Zekkereya El-magharbel had a very different perspective.

“At risk of sounding incredibly unhip, I honestly don’t get what the big deal is. If you wanna call your house something, go ahead — I actually call my place the Nap Palace,” chuckled El-magharbel. “If those kids want to call their nightclub house something goofy, I could really care less. It’s not like I’m ever gonna set foot in there anyway. Honestly, I had no clue anyone even lived there, because of all the raccoons and opossums I see hissing over there.”

At press time, Nordhoff House residents were scratching their heads over what to name their WiFi network.

Ryan Reynolds Swears He Has No Memory of Holding Up Novelty T-Shirt in Facebook Ad

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

LOS ANGELES — Actor Ryan Renolds was reportedly worried about his mental health when he came across a photo of him on social media holding up a kitschy t-shirt featuring the Pokemon Pikachu humping Deadpool’s leg.

“I am very choosy about the products I promote and I have no recollection of pushing this t-shirt,” Reynolds said during a joint presser for his gin and mobile service. “I got so worried that I went to the doctor and had a cognitive function test and an MRI done. Everything came back fine, but when the hell did I pose for this picture and why didn’t anyone tell me my hands look so pale and wrinkled?”

Wendell Fletcher, owner and designer of Deez Teez, swears that Renolds posed for the promotional photo.

“We had a gentleman’s agreement,” Fletcher said while screen printing a drawing of Baby Yoda smoking a blunt. “I ran up to him at the premier for 6 Underground and showed him the shirt. He literally said, ‘This is the funniest shirt I have ever seen and I would be happy to pose for a photo with me holding it up for you to use for advertising in perpetuity in whatever medium you see fit without compensation.’ Those were his exact words.”

Marketing expert Gretchen Porter has noticed this trend of forgetful celebrities selling stolen intellectual property. 

“From Patrick Stewart to Hajime Isayama, celebrities seem to be entering fugue states when asked to pose for a photo with novelty t-shirts,” Porter said. “But we have the photographic evidence right there so there is very little, legally, that they can do. Maybe Mr. Reynolds should lead a less extravagant lifestyle so he doesn’t have to hock these knockoff products. Emilia Clarke claims to have never posed with a pornographic ‘Winter Is Cumming’ shirt but she’s just playing coy.”

Reynolds, however, distinctly remembers agreeing to promote the to-scale Deadpool body pillow and stands by that decision.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Gamer Sick of Two-Console System

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

WASHINGTON — Local gamer Stephen Nelson exhaustedly told friends Wednesday night that he is done with participating in the antiquated two-console system forced on him by society, sources confirmed.

“I just feel like no matter which side I pick, there’s no way it’s going to meaningfully impact my life,” Nelson explained. “But what are you gonna do? You gotta play games, even if they’re virtually the same thing with both systems. People just want fun games without shitty microtransactions, but both consoles are happy to dump whatever sequel on us until the end of time. Microsoft keeps pushing their Halo agenda and Sony keeps pushing their God of War agenda. At the end of the day, they’re both just angry old men who wanna kill stuff.”

According to Nelson, he would get a different console if he felt that it was viable for him as a gamer.

“I know the third-console, Nintendo, is what fits what I want out of a game system the most,” Nelson continued, “but at the end of the day, it’s just unrealistic to think that the big AAA games are going to be on that. We live in a world where the big multiplayer games like Warzone are just always going to be exclusive to the two big consoles. If you’re not playing those kinds of games, you’re basically throwing your gaming away.”

Third-console players, however, pushed back against allegations that their gaming didn’t matter, saying that the only way to change things was to hold the big two accountable.

“I only play Nintendo, plus a few emulators I set up on the Raspberry Pi. Have you heard about Raspberry Pi? I bet you haven’t. People are brainwashed,” said independent gamer Gail Preston. “Nothing is going to change until we demand it.”

At press time, Nelson decided to sit out this gaming console cycle and just get really into D&D.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Trump Asks Supreme Court to Stop Counting Coronavirus Deaths While They’re At It

Posted on by Anna Walsh

WASHINGTON — Sitting President Donald Trump approached the highest court in the United States to demand that votes stop being counted, including an extra request to pause the nation’s catastrophic COVID-19 death rate while they’re at it.

“Votes, deaths, it doesn’t matter. What’s 200,000, 300,000 deaths? I lose that amount of money every day and look at me, I’m great. I’m fantastic,” an agitated and clearly sweating Trump stated. “Dr. Fauci wants us to count. Antifa, they want us to count. I say no counting. Keep the numbers where they are. Who uses the mail for these things? I don’t have time to see a new number every day. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it, is a phrase I came up with. People say it all the time, they love it.”

Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh weighed in with an unofficial opinion.

“You know I get it. In college, I’d count how many drinks I had in a night and without fail I’d lose count somewhere around 11,” he explained. “Seems applicable to this, so yes I agree that we should just stop counting Coronavirus deaths. Numbers are boring, and math is for nerds.”

At press time, Eric Trump tweeted that his father has won the COVID-19 pandemic.

So-Called “Legitimate News Source” Doesn’t Even Confirm What Man Already Believes

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

TOLEDO, Ohio — The Observer-Gazette, a so-called “legitimate” local newspaper that has “allegedly won multiple prestigious awards,” failed to even do the bare minimum of confirming everything local man Dale Ennis already believes, “non-sheeple” sources confirmed.

“All those Gazette folks with their fancy college degrees, journalistic integrity, and over two centuries of publication will never convince me what I know in my gut to be the real truth,” said Ennis. “Sure, that rag has won a measly 50 Pulitzers, but that’s nothing compared to the many Gun Rights Defender Awards the crack team at Breitbart has earned. Besides, Q says Trump’s about to bring down the Pulitzer people along with all the other pedophile elites. Don’t believe me? Well, then I’ve got some grainy, out-of-context footage that will blow your mind.”

Roommate Jerry Ingram provided insight into Ennis’s “fact-finding” process.

“The depth of knowledge he has about made-up bullshit like the New World Order, QAnon, and false flag attacks is impressive — especially when you compare it to all the shit he should know, but doesn’t. Like how to write a check, the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re,’ and his daughter’s birthday,” said Ingram. “He spends hours bouncing between 4Chan, The Daily Wire, and videos of out-of-shape dudes ranting in their trucks. And he’s always making me ‘read just this one article’ that ‘finally tells us what they won’t.’ I’d find a new roommate, but the guy does make some killer oatmeal cookies, and he’s never been late on rent thanks to the disability check he gets each month because a horse bit one of his toes off.”

Observer-Gazette journalist Evie-May Gilliam explained how her work has changed in a “post-truth” world.

“Believe it or not, I didn’t earn multiple degrees and spend years building my reputation as a trusted reporter just to receive death threats for accurately reporting on something Trump literally said, on video, repeatedly,” explained Gilliam. “But I suppose fending off right wing man-children who throw hissy fits when you don’t tell them what they want to hear comes with the territory now?”

Ennis is now producing his own “news” content for YouTube, and his totally erroneous, poorly-lit first video has already counted nearly half a million views in 12 hours.

Ken Burns Already Has Two Episodes of Second Civil War Documentary in the Can

Posted on by Ryan Danley

LOS ANGELES — World-renowned documentarian Ken Burns has already completed two episodes of a seven-part series addressing America’s ongoing Second Civil War, sources report.

“It doesn’t take someone who has two Oscar nominations, two Grammy Awards, and 15 Emmys to see shit has already kicked off. So I figured I’d get a jump start. And honestly, this is way easier — I get up every day, have some coffee and read Trump’s tweets, then I collect some clips from CNN and Fox, Antifa, Alt-Right, blah blah blah, and I’m done for the day. I don’t need to dig through old newspapers, microfiche, letters from the front lines or any of that bullshit,” said Burns, wearing a robe in his kitchen. “I’m really just struggling with working current music into it. Playing ‘WAP’ in the background of Proud Boy rally footage is a bit gauche. But, we have a few weeks until the shit really hits the fan. So I got time.”

While most documentaries are usually made after an event, American Historical Society President Nathaniel Blakely is happy this tumultuous era is getting real-time documentation.

“Sure, an alt-righter complaining about lacking access to a Buffalo Wild Wings during a pandemic may not seem as riveting as a Revolutionary War soldier cutting his leg off to avoid gangrene, but modern TV viewers were raised on ‘Duck Dynasty,’ so they won’t know any better,” said Blakely. “History is seldom pretty in the moment, but from afar it paints a rich tapestry. I’m not sure where some guy who feels his rights are being trampled on for not being able to yell racial slurs in a fast-food restaurant will end up in the tapestry, but I’m sure they’ll be there.”

PBS President Theo Wolf is excited to unveil Burn’s latest project to the world.

“Honestly, I don’t know what he’s making this time. The guy doesn’t return my calls,” said Wolf. “But he shows up like, once a year and drops off these documentaries, and our pledge drive doubles. So he can do whatever the fuck he wants.”

Burns was unavailable for further comment, as he was trying to figure out how to portray the guys who take pictures of themselves pointing a gun at their own dick in a sympathetic light.

United States Futilely Attempts to Hide Massive, Embarrassing Election

Posted on by John Danek

WASHINGTON — The United States of America utterly failed in its shame-filled attempts today to obscure its bulging, prominent Presidential election, snickering foreign officials reported.

“Uhh, hey… Hi! Hi. Glad to see you all here… not that I’m imagining you all in your underwear or anything. Just wanted to say, nothing to report — November is shaping up to be one calm, non-threatening, flaccid month of normal American progress,” said Federal Election Commission chairman James E. Trainor III, who recently suggested that President Donald Trump drape a large, denim tarp over the Washington Monument. “So whatever you think you’re seeing in the news or online, it’s probably something else shaped similarly to an election that could fit into the front pocket of society.”

Grassroots organizers were frustrated and disgusted by government officials’ pathetic, transparent deceit.

“I know a throbbing election when I see one, and this one is throbbing real hard. America’s huge election is practically knocking over all of the ideals it holds true,” declared Mari Donahue, who volunteers to help register elderly voters. “I think we’ll all be relieved when this election passes, but right now it’s one of the hardest we have ever seen. It’s time for us to rise up, use our mouths and our voices, and get down to business. And on the environmental side of things, we need to prepare to clean a likely massive spill of freedom in the election’s wake.”

However, some citizens around the world were excited by America’s bulbous display of democracy.

“Oooh, yeah, you naughty country, you! You like that depraved, sick electoral corruption, don’t you?” tweeted Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov, who decorated his tweets with eggplants and water sprays. “You’ve been kinkshaming Russia for decades now, but turns out you Americans are little closet freaks just like us. We don’t have a Russian word for ‘gerrymandering,’ but you better believe I bite my lip every time I hear it. Is ‘Nine Eleven’ still your safeword? Asking for a friend.”

In related news, the tobacco industry recorded record sales last month as the country prepares to enjoy a much-earned cigarette while experiencing its first hint of post-vote clarity in years.