Press "Enter" to skip to content

Here’s What Type of Depression You Have Based on the Type of Cheese Curd You’re Eating

So, here you are. Sitting in a dive bar in some town in Wisconsin. You just ordered your second round of deep-fried cheese curds. You’re depressed again. But which kind of depression has you staring down the barrel of yet another serving of fried curd? Well, we can tell simply by your preferred curd.

Persistent Depression – If your typical Tuesday is sitting alone in your car outside of The Curdle Corner shoving molten balls of curd into your mouth, you may have persistent depression. Consult a psychiatric professional immediately after one more helping of the ol’ squeaky cheese.

Seasonal Depression – As it gets colder, do you find yourself funneling curds in order to pack on the 15 pounds needed to achieve proper holiday weight? If so, you may be suffering from seasonal depression. So once you’ve finished one last helping of curds from the Chevron station in Bosstown, Wisconsin—and don’t forget to use the curds as a spoon to scoop up the boiled peanut water aioli—give a professional a call.

Manic Depression – If you’ve found yourself buying a FryDaddy and a ten-gallon jug of corn oil convinced that you can make your own, better, curds only to find yourself covered in burns, you most likely have manic depression. Maybe don’t try another batch and use your non-burned hand to look up a therapist.

Situational Depression – It is the Wisconsin State Fair. One of your kids is throwing a tantrum, the other is throwing up, and your wife is flirting with a carney. If this yearly tradition is also the only time you find yourself knee-deep in the cheese curds from Live & Let Fry, you are likely experiencing situational depression. Grab a deep-fried snickers bar and seek help!

Perinatal Depression – If you just sent your husband out for more Chili Smothered Cheese Curds from Lucky Lukas’ Cheese ‘N’ Things and he better keep his mouth shut about it, you likely have perinatal depression. It’s not your fault, though. He did this to you! You could have married anyone! You could have married Lucky Lukas himself and been Cheese Curd Queen of the Midwest!

Major Depression – You are eating goddamn mozzarella sticks from Pizza Hut. Things must be really bad. We highly recommend you call your therapist but also call the bartender at Der Käsehaus and place an order. Their curds are like cheesy Prosac.