Republicans Try to Decipher “Haha Just Chillin” After QAnon Accidentally Posts on Wrong Account

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — Republicans nationwide are struggling to decipher a cryptic message from Q, the anonymous leader of conspiracy theory QAnon, after they accidentally posted “haha just chillin” on 8chan, a message clearly intended for a different account.

“Where we go one, we go all. Any true QAnon supporter will understand this message,” explained popular Twitter user @WhiteHatSupreme57. “The ‘haha’ portion is an obvious acronym, which stands for ‘Hebephilia Acceptance, Hebephilia Abandon.’ This is a reference to the pedophile cabal who runs our country, better known as the Democrats. What was once hebephilia [an attraction to young people] acceptance, will become hebephilia abandon, due to Trump cracking down on them. This, as we all know, is just — short for ‘justice’ — hence the second word of Q’s message. Soros and his pedophile friends use dry ice to hide their operations from the public — something they famously communicated to supporters through their state-run Scooby Doo cartoons. Dry ice… ice… chilling… chillin. ‘Haha just chillin’ means that Trump will bring justice to chillers, ending acceptance of hebephilia.”

Other QAnon members had different theories as to what the phrase could mean, however.

“WhiteHatSupreme57 is a fucking moron,” said alt-right commentator Mike Cernovich. “Chillin is, of course, a reference to the professional Super Smash Bros. Melee player Chillindude829. This is a sly reference from Q to the first ever Fox main, because he’s explaining to us that Trump will soon take over Fox News. When he says ‘just,’ he is of course referencing the city of Justiniškės, Lithuania (formerly of the Soviet Union), where there is key information about Hunter Biden and his dealings with Ukraine. The ‘haha’ at the beginning is indicating that Q thinks this information is funny.”

At press time, QAnon supporters were despairing after the anonymous account posted a second cryptic message, this time saying “ok ttyl.”

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Loving Couple Looking to Adopt New TV Show

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

ANCHORAGE, Ala. — Local couple Alice and Mark Holland are reportedly looking to adopt a new television, bringing it into a home filled with love, according to those familiar with the situation.

“We’ve fostered a lot of television shows over the years, but we’re ready to help another show find its forever home with us,” Alice Holland explained. “We believe our home would be a truly loving and supportive environment for a fandom to grow and develop, and we’re excited to embark on that chapter of our lives together — bringing a new show into our home.”

Those close to the Hollands agree that they would be a great couple to take on a new television show.

“I saw the way they loved and cared for Succession, Better Call Saul, and even The Vow — which was a very difficult TV show, no offense,” said a friend of the Hollands, Chrissy Brown. “They’ve been really preparing and I think they’re ready to adopt a show for the long haul. Maybe something like The Sopranos or The Wire. I think everyone is just hanging around a lot in quarantine, and it’s making them realize how empty their home is without a new show.”

Despite the enthusiasm, relationship expert Dr. Maria Pinto says that many couples adopt a television show before they’re ready, stressing that couples should make sure they really know what they want before doing anything.

“It’s a very sad thing. Many couples will adopt a new show and they will love it for a time. They’ll talk about it to friends, post about it on social media, and read all of the right literature online about the show. But time and time again, they eventually abandon that show, leaving it up for adoption once again,” Dr. Pinto explained. “I’ve seen countless couples take on more challenging shows like Deadwood, and give up on it after just a few episodes. Deadwood is a brilliant little show that deserves a family that loves it.”

At press time, Mark Holland revealed that they really just wanted to watch something new because they were so sick of watching those “stupid fucking kids shows” their 3-year-old daughter forces them to suffer through each day.

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Militia Member Anxiously Eats All His Doomsday Rations While Watching Election

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

JASPER, Ark. — Local militia member Lance Hagan accidentally ate the three years’ worth of emergency rations while anxiously watching the election results, according to sources.

“I know we got this, but the waiting is getting to me, and I guess I’m what some would call an anxious eater,” Hagan said while finishing off a bag of freeze-dried mac and cheese. “As soon as I saw it wasn’t a clean sweep for Trump I ate everything in the house and then broke into my bug-out bag for some chocolate pudding. It wasn’t long before I busted into the bunker. I couldn’t help myself, this is all so stressful. Why are they counting all those fake ballots?!”

Friends of Hagan were reportedly upset about his actions, although not surprised.

“If Biden wins we are going to need that food! Those were supposed to last the entire militia most of the socialist apocalypse and now it’s gone in three days of watching Fox News,” friend and sovereign citizen Zach Ferguson said while reordering a new supply of dehydrated meat. “When Obama was elected, Lance locked himself in his bunker and almost overdosed on freeze-dried ice cream mixed with protein powder. We eventually had to use some of our dynamite to blow the door and rescue him, and I hate to see it happen again.”

Owner of the website PatriotEats, Doug Gordon, has seen this situation happen time and time again.

“I mean, sure we say it is for hurricanes or the apocalypse, but really our biggest customers are lonely, single men who don’t mind eating reconstituted chicken out of a plastic tub,” Gordon said. “They use fake names when reordering because they don’t want to admit they ran out of apocalypse food before the apocalypse but their cryptocurrency accounts are always the same. I don’t judge. Their money is putting my kid through paramilitary training. I’ve also been known to partake in a little salted horse meat when my wife is out of town. You only live once.”

As of press time, Hagan was rushed to the hospital after funneling a ten year supply of Spam.

Oh Boy: Friend Just Added “Entrepreneur” To Bio

Posted on by Luke Woodward

With the pandemic shuttering businesses and keeping workers at home, everyone is looking for a little side hustle and we totally get that. But oh Christ, Jen just added “entrepreneur” to her bio and that could spell disaster for my timeline.

I’ve known Jen since college and she was always the kind of person that you knew would go places someday. Yet now she’s putting all that energy into a multi-level marketing scheme that will almost assuredly engulf her entire social media presence. I’ve seen this happen before to so many great friends, but quarantine is turning what used to be a manageable annoyance into a far more sinister beast.

And everyone is doing it! Just look at these posts from my newsfeed and the “employment status” of my Facebook friends:

“Running a business is hard. Please donate to my Patreon so I can figure out how to do it without losing any of my money.” – Sam Granger, community college student and entrepreneur.

“Hey ya’ll. Just put a second mortgage on my house so I can quit my job and start a podcast network! So, if you have any food at all please contribute. We tried ‘going on the pod and hashing it out’—the way most disagreements are handled—but they’re still hungry for some reason.” – Jim Kline, part-time father and entrepreneur.

“VENMOMENOWPLEASEKTHX” from venmo: NikkiHines789346, actor, model, musician, comedian, photographer, and, you fucking guessed it, entrepreneur.

I can’t help feeling like I could have intervened, at least with Jen. I could have reached out when I saw her update her bio to “Ask me how to make money from home and kick ass doing it” with four exclamation points and two moneybag emojis. I could have commented “This is fucking insane” on her posts touting the herbal benefits. But now it’s too late, and I will live with the consequences of my inaction until she finally comes for my PayPal account.

Jerry Falwell Jr. Agrees to Watch Wife Attend Couples Counseling

Posted on by Jon Wood

GOODE, Va. — Disgraced former Liberty University President Jerry Falwell Jr. agreed last week to watch his wife Becki attend couples counseling following weeks of embarrassing revelations of infidelity and marital troubles, uncomfortably close sources who didn’t consent to this confirmed.

“Despite everything you hear from those godless cucks in the liberal media, our marriage is stronger than ever,” said Mr. Falwell while positioned in a chair slightly behind his wife. “I know they say people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones — or that he who is without sin can throw the first one, I always get those mixed up — but I will say, if you enjoy watching your wife make love to the pool boy from every angle, glass house is definitely the way to go.”

Becki is optimistic that therapy will help their relationship.

“Sure, Jerry and I don’t have the same spontaneous, passionate conversations that used to wake the neighbors, but I pray that with counseling, we’ll be able to rekindle that spark,” explained Mrs. Falwell. “I can’t wait to lay back on that couch while my 28 year-old Latin therapist talks my brains out, as my husband watches from the back of the room, parlaying with himself.”

Surprisingly, the Falwells’ therapist Dr. Ramon Torres readily offered his professional opinion.

“I’m probably breaking all sorts of doctor-patient confidentiality, but yeah, the Falwells are freaks. Like first season of ‘True Detective’ messed up… and some shit from season two, now that I think about it,” said Torres. “This process would go a lot smoother if they just leaned into the whole voyeur kink, instead of speaking in tongues and self-flagellating every time I suggest something square like making a romantic playlist together.”

Mr. Falwell has allegedly recommitted himself to the teachings of scripture, reportedly signing up for a free trial of Audible so that he can listen to his favorite Bible verses read aloud.

Gross! Some Asshole Pooped in This Punk House’s Designated Pee Corner

Posted on by James Knapp

That is just disgusting! Who would be so thoughtless as to squirt down a thick, sludgy poop in the corner of the living room that everyone knows we use exclusively for pees? I know we’re supposed to be all about anarchy and free expression, but in this house we still have rules. If you have to poop then you do it across the street behind the Sunoco dumpster like everyone else.

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Last month someone vomited in the washing machine and now I still end up with chunks of beef stroganoff in my clothes whenever I run the heavy spin cycle. Plus the vomit bin is like, right next to the washing machine!

Now I want to know who did this. Seriously, every time this happens no one fesses up and I’m the one who has to get the stench bucket and heave it out the window.

Come to think of it, we’ve been having a lot of issues like this lately. Whether it’s finding used condoms floating in the bathtub instead of draped over a waste bin, oily rags in the refrigerator instead of under the refrigerator, or that dead drifter in the marijuana garden this house has been running real short on common courtesy and accountability as of late.

We need to start taking a little more responsibility for our home. Like that time we realized there was a stray groundhog living in the basement crawl space. We came together as a group and handled the problem by adding “Feed Mr. Chubbyface” to the chore wheel and making sure any house shows we put on were pet friendly, and it was fine until he eventually died inside the water heater.

My point is that we need to remember that this corner is for pees only. And since it doesn’t seem like that toilet is gonna get fixed anytime soon, maybe be a little more discerning about where we decide to lay down a fudge sausage. Remember, when in doubt Denny’s is open 24/7.

Scientists Discover Great 2-Minute Song Within Mediocre 8-Minute Iron Maiden Song

Posted on by John Danek

GENEVA — Scientists at the European Organization for Nuclear Research discovered yesterday that Iron Maiden’s 8:46-long “Brighter Than a Thousand Suns” contains a surprisingly decent and listenable 2-minute song once most of its very average musical padding is removed.

“There were a few signs that kept us digging deeper into this Iron Maiden track. For example, the artwork for the album ‘A Matter of Life and Death’ is absolutely sick,” explains Dr. Stanislaw Tarkowski, whose previous research includes determining the lethal dose of a Boss Metal Zone pedal in a finished track. “Unfortunately, we didn’t have the processing power until recently to really mine the good parts from this dense and otherwise average song. With today’s sufficient parallel computing and machine learning algorithms, the resulting song compares nicely to anything on ‘Powerslave’ or ‘Somewhere in Time.’”

Iron Maiden’s primary songwriter Steve Harris seemed somewhat surprised by the results of the study.

“HEY, FOOK YOU, NERDS! You try writin’ four bloody decades of music on just a bass guitar when you have a fookin’ opera singer as a frontman!” yelled the bassist/songwriter, a pioneer worldwide for bassists’ rights. “I’m sorry every other band in the goddamned world started copying our twin guitar leads and galloping rhythm section. Nothing we do is boring, you knobheads!”

“Except maybe that Ed Hunter PC game,” Harris added quietly. “That was fookin’ shite.”

Music critics and analysts scrambled to predict how this will affect the future of musical critique.

“This discovery marks a sea change of music appreciation. Imagine Fall Out Boy songs with only the intelligible lyrics, or Public Enemy without Flavor Flav’s nonsense ad-libs. What was once fantasy is now reality,” mused music reviewer and blogger Rachel Sandow. “The entire progressive rock genre is about to be turned on its head. There might be scenarios where a full Rush record can be condensed down to four minutes.”

Dr. Tarkowski is reportedly attempting to use this new technology to extract a fascinating TED Talk from HBO’s “The Wire.”

Six-Hour Operation Finally Separates Headphone Cord From Wheel of Office Chair

Posted on by Hunter R. Thompson

CAYCE, S.C. — After over six hours of tense surgery, an emergency procedure has finally separated local gamer Andrae Webb’s headset cord from the wheel casters of his office chair.

“I first noticed something was wrong when I scooted out to refuel and my chair hitched, like it was caught on something,” Webb, who performed the operation on-site in his home office, later recalled. “There was a brief moment of ‘what?’ and then I immediately knew I’d spend the rest of my Saturday rolling around on the carpet with a screwdriver.”

An already-lengthy procedure was complicated by low morale and a rush to find critical supplies, according to witnesses who oversaw the field operation.

“I came over with the 9 and 1 already dialed into my phone, because he was groaning and screaming like he was passing a stone or something,” said younger brother Dennis Webb, who acted as an impromptu surgical tech. “Instead, he sent me running for WD-40, tweezers, the flashlight, the headlamp, the chair assembly booklet, and that weird tiny screwdriver designed to disassemble and reassemble the chair and literally nothing else.”

The operation included some experimental techniques, such as blasting the wheel well with compressed air, biting and yanking the headset cord, removing the wheel completely, and raveling and unraveling the cord in both directions.

“I figured after three hours of this he’d have been okay with just cutting the cord in half and buying a new headset,” Dennis Webb said, “but he said it was a $80 pair and he’d ‘sooner saw the chair in half’ than replace it. I don’t get it. He bought them four years ago and constantly tells me how shitty they are.”

After the cord and office chair were finally separated, none were more surprised by Webb’s success than Webb himself.

“Honestly,” Webb recalled, “I’m not sure what did it. I sort of lapsed into a fugue state by hour five. I swear to God I just looked down at some point and the cord had popped out. I probably did something I’d done fifty times and didn’t even notice. What the hell ever.”

Since the surgery, sources close to Webb report that he is now three hours into an operation to reattach the foam earphone caps to his headset.

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Sony Announces Foldable ‘New York Style’ PlayStation 5

Posted on by Zoe Grobman

NEW YORK — Sony announced today in a press conference that they will be releasing a limited-edition foldable version of the upcoming PlayStation 5 platform designed specifically for residents of New York City.

“We know that in the hustle and bustle of life in the Big Apple, you need delicious, slightly-greasy content that you can fold and use on the go,” PlayStation CEO Jim Ryan explained. “That’s why we’re excited to be partnering with Famous Famiglia to bring you the perfect gaming experience. With, for example, Spider-Man on the PlayStation 4, we really made players feel like Spider-Man. Well if you’re playing Spider-Man: Miles Morales on the foldable PlayStation 5, you can really feel like a New Yorker. A New Yorker who’s also Spider-Man.”

The console, which folds at a 290-degree angle and comes with a stack of 100 disposable paper plates, is not playable without being plugged in, but this fact is not deterring life-long New Yorkers.

“Yeah, ya know, it don’t mattah to me if it gotta be plugged in. I can just use the outlets at da station while I wait an hour for da friggin MTA to show up. Go Mets!” shouted Antony Paglione, a 26-year-old construction worker from Bensonhurst. “Da only thing that really bothuhs me about it is dat Famiglia pizza fuggin sucks. I mean if they think dis is gonna make me eat there, den they can fuggetaboutit!”

Despite the positive reaction from New Yorkers, however, the news of the foldable PlayStation 5 was met with a unanimously negative reception from residents of Chicago, who felt Sony to be making an intentional snub against their city.

“I’ve been a fan of the PlayStation and a Chicagoan all my life, and this is really making me consider buying the Xbox Series X instead,” said 34-year-old Joshua Levin, who actually lives in Skokie. “If they’re gonna make a foldable PlayStation for those losers up in New York, the least they can do is make one for Chicago as well.”

“And I mean a nice thin tavern-style PlayStation,” he added, “not the deep-dish garbage the tourists think we’re into.”

At press time, Sony hinted that they would also be making a pizza-themed edition of the PlayStation 5, directed at St. Louis, that’s covered in Provel and “just absolute fucking dogshit.”

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Gamer Tip: Your Vote Is Wasted If It’s Not Concentrated on a Blinking Weak Spot

Posted on by Andy Holt

PENNSYLVANIA — Gamer consultants have advised the Trump and Biden campaigns that it’s pointless to spam votes in low-effect areas like California and Kentucky, when just a few well-placed votes in blinking weak spots like Pennsylvania will do the trick.

“I told them, if you channel votes into Massachusetts or whatever, you might as well be spraying at a wall,” said expert gamer and political consultant Celia Needham. “Bide your time, wait until Pennsylvania starts blinking yellow, then vote like hell. You’ll get that W in no time.”

In addition to focusing on a few spots that decide life or death for the entire nation, Needham also recommended passive buffs to really make it count.

“Buffs are where things really get interesting. If you want to focus on the Midwest, for instance, you can multiply your votes by adding a policy bonus, like investment in manufacturing or public benefits like health care and free public college. None of the campaigns are really interested in that stuff, though,” said Needham. “Fucking casuals.”

In the world of video games, many players find weak spots to be annoying, especially when they seem to be completely arbitrary.

“Sometimes you’ll be in a boss fight with some big humanoid enemy, and you waste like 30 really high-damage shots on their head, because that’s what makes sense. But then you find out their weak spot is, like, the back of their knee or some shit. It’s just totally unrealistic,” said frustrated gamer and voter Darnell Frey. “Could you imagine if stuff worked like that in real life? It’d be so dumb.”

When reached for comment, spokespeople for the Biden campaign claimed they definitely saw Florida and Texas blinking, but that it must have been a glitch or something.

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