PENNSYLVANIA — Gamer consultants have advised the Trump and Biden campaigns that it’s pointless to spam votes in low-effect areas like California and Kentucky, when just a few well-placed votes in blinking weak spots like Pennsylvania will do the trick.
“I told them, if you channel votes into Massachusetts or whatever, you might as well be spraying at a wall,” said expert gamer and political consultant Celia Needham. “Bide your time, wait until Pennsylvania starts blinking yellow, then vote like hell. You’ll get that W in no time.”
In addition to focusing on a few spots that decide life or death for the entire nation, Needham also recommended passive buffs to really make it count.
“Buffs are where things really get interesting. If you want to focus on the Midwest, for instance, you can multiply your votes by adding a policy bonus, like investment in manufacturing or public benefits like health care and free public college. None of the campaigns are really interested in that stuff, though,” said Needham. “Fucking casuals.”
In the world of video games, many players find weak spots to be annoying, especially when they seem to be completely arbitrary.
“Sometimes you’ll be in a boss fight with some big humanoid enemy, and you waste like 30 really high-damage shots on their head, because that’s what makes sense. But then you find out their weak spot is, like, the back of their knee or some shit. It’s just totally unrealistic,” said frustrated gamer and voter Darnell Frey. “Could you imagine if stuff worked like that in real life? It’d be so dumb.”
When reached for comment, spokespeople for the Biden campaign claimed they definitely saw Florida and Texas blinking, but that it must have been a glitch or something.
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