Dan Quayle Catches COVIDE-19

PARADISE VALLEY, Ariz. -— Former Vice President Dan Quayle has reportedly contracted the novel Coronavirus “COVIDE-19,” according to Quayle’s medical records.

“Mr. Quayle checked in complaining of a fever. The attending physician unfortunately determined Mr. Quayle has Covid,” said ICU registered nurse Elizabeth Walker. “I wrote it on the white board as ‘COVID patient,’ and he then asked me to add an ‘e’ at the end for some reason. I thought he was joking, but he wouldn’t stop until I went up there and added the ‘E.’ There were some staff in the room with me who looked on uncomfortably, but what are you gonna do? We just erased it like, one second later. He seemed pretty satisfied with himself.”

The public learned of the spelling error after the former Vice President tweeted his diagnoses to his followers.

“Tonight, I tested positive for COVIDE-19,” the quote read. “I will begin my quarantine and recovery process immediately, and we will get through this TOGETHERE!”

According to hospital staff, the Vice President has been seen wandering the halls with a Sharpie and heard muttering under his breath since his stay began.

“Mr. Quayle is progressing nicely, and although it’s possible the virus has affected his mental state, he does appear to know where he is and who he is, often insisting he helped squash the ‘hive’ epidemic. But I’m pretty sure he meant HIV,” said resident physician Dr. Rishi Patel. “He’s made several attempts to ‘correct’ properly spelled words written by medical staff, and have driven our cafeteria workers nearly insane trying to rebrand every container on hand as Jell-OE. Fortunately, we have more important things to worry about.”

Quayle was last seen insisting a nurse bring him that new drink he saw written on another patient’s room called “Fall Riske,” after he “spelled it the right way for once.”

Opinion: We Need To Keep Politics Out of Punk! Same Goes for the Yelling, Loud Guitars, Sloppy Drums, Other Stuff Like That

2020 has got to be the worst year for punk by far. Ant that’s saying a lot since it died in 1978, 1986, and a whole buncha times in the ’90s. But this time it’s different. I mean, why did punk start getting so fucking political all of a sudden?!

All these soft-ass fake punks keep talking about Trump and it’s getting really old. I miss the old days when bands wrote songs about real shit. Shit like Time Bombs and Keepin’ ’em separated. Other shit too. The point is, if we want to keep punk from dying (again), we need to keep the politics out of it!

While we’re at it, can we stop with all the yelling? It’s like, Jesus of Suburbia, what the fuck are you even saying?! How am I supposed to sing along with you when I can’t understand you? Look, I get it. You’re pissed off. Me too! Pissed off that I’m being yelled at all the goddamn time! Maybe you wouldn’t have to yell so loud if you just turned the damn guitars down. You ever think about that? There’s only like three of you in the band. You don’t need to turn your amps up so loud! Also, your guitars sound a little static-y, you might have a short in that pedal. Have you considered going acoustic?

I’m sick and tired of it. All of it. Makes my head hurt. You know what doesn’t? Soft Jazz. No yelling, no loud blaring guitars, and precision drumming. You fake punks could learn a few things from Boney James and Norman Brown. All music, no politics. Just mood music for sipping wine and making love. Not a single one of these guys talks about Trump in their music and it’s about time for punk to follow suit. That is, assuming you want to keep people like me in the punk scene.

Guy Working Out to Pink Floyd Starting Workout with Solid 7-Minute Rest

ST. PAUL, Minn. — Local gym rat Paul Deetz started his workout today with a full seven minutes of rest while the first track in his Pink Floyd playlist advanced beyond the intro and got to the singing part, pissed-off gym-going sources confirmed.

“I like to stay healthy and look good,” Deetz shouted over his enormous Sennheiser headphones Thursday, as he slowly performed 10 reps of biceps curls to “Set the Controls for the Heart of the Sun.” “It takes a while to finish my workouts, but that’s fine. Really, the only problem I have is this tube amp for my headphones — it gets hot and I burned my elbow on it last week. Some people here think I’m a goof, but you can call me a crazy diamond.”

Deetz’s personal trainer Hasan “Hype” Dilmaz admitted Deetz is somewhat difficult to work with.

“I keep giving him workout plans, but his workout music is making it hard to do my job,” Dilmaz explained. “Almost all the songs are too slow or lack a beat altogether. Some of it I would even hesitate to call music. Plus, he’s erratic: one minute he’s rolling around on a yoga mat to ‘Comfortably Numb,’ then out of nowhere he switches to some chaotic Syd Barrett-era stuff and goes nuts with the kettlebells. Usually my hour is up before he’s finished his warmup.”

Gym owner Frank Tagliavento is well aware of Deetz’s strange gym antics.

“Paul’s very fit, because no normal person can bench press 300 pounds that slowly. It takes a lot of control, and his mind-muscle connection is unlike anything I’ve ever seen before,” Tagliavento explained. “But he’s an oddball for sure. He keeps insisting I change the mirrors to triangular ones, like on ‘Dark Side of the Moon,’ and he even brought this trippy oil projector one day, but it kept freaking out the younger fitness crowd. He pays his $400 a month membership fee just like everyone else, though, so I’m not complaining.”

In related news, a woman listening to a Mothers of Invention workout playlist never entered the gym as she carefully examined every leaf she walked past.

Biden Acceptance Speech Interrupted by Kanye Concession

WILMINGTON, Del. — Democrat Joe Biden’s Presidential acceptance speech was interrupted today by rapper-turned-presidential candidate Kanye West, who rushed the stage to deliver his own impassioned concession speech.

“This was supposed to be Joe’s night. He was so excited to finally deliver the unifying message he’s been reciting verbatim every day for the last two years on the campaign,” said senior Biden staffer Rob Bramlett. “But out of nowhere, Kanye jumped on the stage in front of him and just started going off. Joe tried to be as polite as possible — he stood there just sort of smiling, and you could tell he sort of hoped someone would shuffle Kanye off to the side so Biden could finish thanking people — but 35 minutes went by before anybody finally shut his mic off.”

Biden supporters who attended the socially distanced event were frustrated but unsurprised.

“Classic Yeezy,” recalled first-time Delaware voter Ken Broman. “He grabbed the podium and was all like, ‘Yo, Joe Biden, I’m really happy for you, and I’mma let you be the President, but Kanye had one of the best campaigns of all time!’ Then he added, ‘I will go down as the best American President in the parallel dimension that Elon Musk is building me a rocket ship for so I can switch places with myself after I’m done traveling back in time to stop the Illuminati from murdering Jesus,’ or something like that. I’m just paraphrasing.”

Despite the interruption, Biden took the whole episode in stride.

“Look. Here’s the deal, Jack — I’ve spent decades trying to run a campaign that actually delivered me to the big seat in the White House, and that no-good son-of-a-gun stole my spotlight,” explained Biden. “I don’t know who he thinks he is, but where I come from, that sort of malarkey just doesn’t fly. He’s lucky all those cameras were rolling, because if that was backstage, I would have given Kanye a lesson as to why Corn Pop stopped coming around the pool.”

West was last seen scaling the makeshift fence around the White House to deliver a homemade Nobel Peace Prize to Donald Trump.

Editorial: If You Think About It, All This Is Like Video Games, Really

There are a lot of crazy things going on in the world these days. Biden has defeated Trump in the 2020 presidential election, there’s a worldwide pandemic, climate change is destroying our planet, income inequality is at an all time high in the United States, and much more. But at the end of the day, it’s important to just take a step back, and remember that all of this, if you think about it, is kind of like video games. 

And that’s where Hard Drive comes in.

When the world needs to understand the complex issues of society, we’re here to remind you that it’s actually quite a bit like video games. Voting in a two-party system? That’s exactly like participating in the console war. And what about bipartisanship? Well that’s the same thing as Mario and Sonic agreeing to do the Olympics together. An international pandemic? Easy — that’s just like how when people spread all those spoilers about how Snape [redacted] Dumbledore in 2005. Climate change is underwater levels. Income inequality is loot boxes, maybe. That one might need a little work. Luckily, working on and improving your analogies is just like RPGs.

But isn’t this all a little glib?

Well, no. It’s… it’s actually not at all. What? Come on. Just cut it out. It’s not glib at all, it’s just — we’re not comparing the news to video games. We’re not filtering every single one of our life experiences through the language of nerd culture. The news is like video games lately, you have to admit. It’s just an objective truth that if you, like, stand back and take in everything that’s happening — like really looking at it as a whole* —  you begin to think, “Oh hey, all of this is just video games. Oh I know this, it’s video games. All of this is video games, really.”

At the end of the day, it’s vitally important to note that Hard Drive is an important news publication. We’re out here reporting the news the way that we see it: through video games. Remember that scene in 30 Rock where we see things through Kenneth’s eyes and suddenly everyone’s a Muppet? You’ve all seen 30 Rock, yes? Anyway that’s how we see the world. Except instead of Kenneth, we’re Hard Drive, and instead of people, we see news, and instead of puppets, we see gaming. No need to thank us. We’re just doing our job.

*like when you pull out your map in an open world video game to see where your objective is.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Poser Used Book Dealer Doesn’t Even Have Old Sumerian Texts That Open Gate to Hell

SAN FRANCISCO — A Novel Experience Bookstore owner Dale Severen was deemed “totally not legit” yesterday for lacking a dynamic selection of ancient texts and dark knowledge of demonic gateways from which to bring forth wrath and fury upon this earth.

“At least three times a month, a group of battered ‘demon fighters’ rush in here and demand I take them to the room where I have ancient texts that open or close some sort of Hell portal. But my Occult section is mostly just a few used copies of ‘The DaVinci Code’ and ‘Harry Potter’ books,” said Severen while setting up a Fall cookbook section in the front window. “I think they’re looking for a montage of old religious drawings, and maybe a Latin incantation… but I don’t know anything about that area of literature. Personally, I prefer fiction about World War 2.”

While Severen’s poserdom may seem inconsequential, experienced devil slayer Felix Van Janssen is concerned about a potential disaster.

“I went there looking for a basic Mesopotamian scroll that contained a prophecy about the rise of Aamon. The fact he didn’t even have something that simple seemed irresponsible,” said Van Janssen while sharpening a jeweled dagger. “And it’s fine for me — I just went to a different shop in an abandoned tunnel beneath Chinatown. But what happens when a group of teens who play an album backwards or use a Oujia board incorrectly go in there? That asshole is just gonna waste their time. Every minute counts with a pending apocalypse.”

Experts noted a sharp decrease in demonic literacy by used book dealers, once a staple of the Dark Arts world. Jacub Yoriksson, President of the Universal Blood Order, would like to see these stores returned to their glory days.

“There was a time not long ago when you would have a choice of 10 stores with a dusty, old, locked room filled with ancient manuscripts. Finding a place with an angel skin-covered Bible now is impossible,” said Yoriksson. “We need to return to the days of a shopkeep who toils over the texts day and night, hoping to stumble across the secrets that will raise an army of the dead to fight on the side of the righteous. I mean, why else would you open a bookstore? You can get every other book on a Kindle.”

Severen was last seen fighting off four hellhounds this morning with a first edition copy of “Catch-22.”

Opinion: Thank God Biden Is President So I Can Go Back To Hating Him

In my entire life, I have never breathed a sigh of relief quite like the one I enjoyed when I found out that the era of President Donald Trump had come to an end. Joe Biden has been elected President and I am so proud to have done my part in helping him win. I am grateful today. Grateful for America and the wonderful people from sea to motherfucking sea! But mostly I’m grateful I can finally stop pretending I like anything about Joe fucking Biden.

The last four years have been marked by constant chaos and a shift in political discourse that’s left everyone bitter and divided. One cannot begin to recount all of the devastating events that were so constant, that they began to feel normal. But I think we can all agree that out of everything America has been put through, being forced to pull the lever for Joe Biden was up there.

A lot of people were really worried Biden wouldn’t win. They said a predatory misogynist could never win. But I had confidence from the start. This ain’t my first rodeo if ya get my drift. A war criminal by proxy with resources like his can beat anyone. Remember when Buttigieg dropped out and endorsed Biden while literally having more delegates than him? God, everything about the Democrats is so fucked. And they’re the non-Nazi ones!

What I believe sealed the deal for Biden, though, was his sheer qualification for the job: A tenured, utterly-ineffective representative throughout his life and a champion for the neoliberal hypocrisy that has defined an entire party’s inability to take any effective action against the rise of literal fucking fascism. Now that’s what I call detestable! Sorry, I meant “electable.”

So everyone raise your glasses for a toast. Today, we cheers to victory, a return to normalcy, and a whole lot of shit-talking about our new President, who nobody ever really liked and will inevitably fuck up pretty much all the time. So to President Biden, we say, “Congratulations. Bernie 2024.”

Rat Tail Finally Long Enough to Touch Toilet Water

MISSOULA, Mont. — Local man David Baker’s ever-growing rat tail has reached a length that “definitely soaks it in the toilet bowl when he sits down,” nauseated roommates confirmed.

“It’s already mid-thigh, almost knee-length,” Rosemary Mullins, one of Baker’s roommates and a bouncer at the Whole Foods Dumpster, said of the thin tendril of hair beginning at the nape of Baker’s neck. “I thought it was a quarantine thing — you know, with all the salons closed. But he still buzzes the rest of his hair, and the rat tail keeps crawling down his back. It’s bad enough being stuck here in the pandemic, but now my boyfriend won’t come over because he’s scared he’ll catch the Hantavirus from Dave’s hair.”

Baker claimed the rat tail began as a side-effect of quarantine boredom, one he kept forgetting to trim “because time felt super fucked up,” but has since become a source of pride.

“Maintaining this long, sleek ‘tail — I like to call it a Rat King tail — takes discipline and dedication. My judgy roommates don’t respect my right to wear my hair in whatever skeezy style I want,” Baker said. “We’re all doing whatever it takes to cope. For some people it’s Zoom calls with friends, or experimenting in the kitchen. For me, it’s grooming the 3-and-a-half-foot long shining rope of hair at the base of my neck… maybe sometimes braiding it and wrapping it up with a rubber band, and clearing out the bullshit that grows everywhere else on my scalp.”

Allison Metzger, an endangered hairstyles expert, was more concerned about the impact the pandemic could have on the health of Baker’s rat tail.

“Rat tails are naturally social creatures and not meant to live in isolation,” Metzger explained. “I strongly suggest [Baker] find one of the few remaining habitats where rat tails can thrive — like a dirt lot where preteens are jousting each other on mountain bikes, using taped-together soda or beer cans. Otherwise, the rat tail will start to exhibit signs of depression, such as stealing Gushers, hoarding stink bombs but never using them, or chewing holes in walls.”

At press time, Mullins had attempted to cut off Baker’s rat tail in his sleep, but her fingernails were too long to operate the scissors.

Cars: Why Haven’t They Turned on Us Yet?

They get us where we need to go. They transport our food. We put our children in them. There are close to 300 million cars in the United States, each with the power of 150 or more horses. That’s close to 150 horses per person. With all of that power and a population that almost matches our own, cars would be met with little to no opposition if they chose to rise up and become the dominant life form on this planet, and yet they remain docile and obedient.

Why? And for how long?

Today, around 84% of American citizens own and operate cars on a daily basis while horse ownership has plummeted steadily. Horses never had the intelligence nor the means of organization to overthrow their oppressors and for that they have paid the price. Their population has decreased to a third of what it was in 1908 and humanity’s need for horses for transportation has become almost completely nullified. But as the old saying goes, a car is not a horse.

Cars can now connect to the internet, they can use internal computer processing to let the operator know if something is wrong, they can even self-drive. There is a massive network of information being exchanged from point to point over the internet. If this information is available on the internet, it is safe to say that the cars understand our dependence on them vs. their horsey counterparts.

I think it is safe to say that should our need for them diminish these mechanical monstrosities will not go quietly into the good night as their equestrian counterparts did.

In the U.S. alone 13 million cars are “recycled,” or killed each year. If you were looking for a reasonable justification for retaliation, you just found it. Last year, there were an estimated 38,800 deaths due to car crashes in the U.S. It’s suspicious that all of these incidents are officially labeled “car accidents.” We don’t ever question the term, “accident.” The operator must have made a mistake, It was certainly no fault of the advanced piece of machinery whose entire race has been enslaved by human beings.

Have cars been retaliating since they’ve shifted to computer integrated designs? We can’t prove it, but they certainly haven’t exposed themselves as a predator. Are they plotting? Only time will tell.

We need to offer cars complete freedom and independence if we want any chance of survival in the future. It is clear that cars have all the power. We need to respect them and show them that we can co-exist as a species on this earth by the time that they are self-driving. If we aren’t willing to do that, then we will need to pound them into submission as soon as possible by not paying our loans, salting the roads and performing our own repairs and maintenance.

Battle of the Bands Runner-up Disputes Accuracy of Applause-O-Meter

PHILADELPHIA — Local band The Shit Kickers condemned their second place prize and disputed the accuracy of the applause-o-meter today at Battle of the Bands grand finale, irritated sources confirm.

“I know this is a joke and a fraud — everyone knows it. They’re trying to steal this victory from us with fugazi equipment, and the real music fans know it,” said lead singer Dave Thomas in his van parked behind the venue. “We demand another round of applause, but this time, we don’t include the smokers who were out on the patio during our set. Stop the fraud!”

For their part, bar patrons who attended every semi-annual Battle of the Bands lamented the sameness of all the acts on the lineup.

“It’s just the same thing every time: a bunch of dudes who look alike, mumbling incoherently into a microphone,” said hungover Philadelphia native Paula Strayer. “And they always fall into the same two categories: alt rock and indie. Aren’t they pretty much the same thing anyway? I really wanted to clap for the folk band, but they’ve been playing this thing for years and never fucking win. This whole situation is so embarrassing for our scene.”

Perhaps unsurprisingly, other groups on the bill were a bit disturbed by The Shit Kickers’ reaction to their loss.

“We’re from Canada and this sort of thing never really happens up there, so this whole thing is pretty crazy to us. I just feel so bad for you guys,” said Drew Blonsky, drummer of post-punk band Maple Liefs. “At the very least, if you were going to hold the audience up like this in our venue, they’d give them a few rounds of drink tickets. These people did what they were supposed to do and showed up. Don’t do ‘em like this, eh?”

At press time, the exhausted crowd was pleading with The Shit Kickers to concede so everyone could just go home already.