Marty McFly Now Mostly Using Time Machine to Un-Drunk Dial Ex

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

HILL VALLEY, Calif. — Marty McFly admitted today that he now mostly uses his time machine to go back in 12-hour intervals and stop himself from drunk dialing his ex-girlfriend, sources allege but can’t quite prove.

“The timeline is all fixed, but me and Jennifer broke up, and you know how it is — every once in a while I’ll pound a few Bartles & Jaymes and start scrolling through Insta, and before you know it, I’m leaving her a 20-minute voicemail rambling about how I’m thinking about getting my band The Pinheads back together,” said a visibly ashamed McFly. “But then I wake up the next morning with a headache, and it’s like, ‘This is heavy. Quick, to the DeLorean!’ Then I pop back a few hours and smack the phone out of past me’s hand. Works every time.”

Though McFly’s ex Jennifer never remembers the interactions, she does have some growing suspicions.

“I was there one of the times Marty ‘fixed’ the past, so I know what he’s capable of,” she commented, desperately searching for evidence of space-time continuum manipulation. “There have been a few nights where he’ll watch all my Instagram stories and like years-old posts. Sometimes if I open a text, I’ll even see the three bubbles like he’s about to write something, only for it to then fade away before my eyes.”

While disappointed by the misuse of his invention, friend and mentor Dr. Emmett Brown empathized with McFly.

“My family and I live on our time machine, so I can’t fix things, but I get the impulse to,” Brown said while searching for a spot to land his giant train-house. “When I hit my head and invented the flux capacitor, I hoped it’d be used to explore history… though this is certainly preferable to the alternative, as all the greatest human innovations are usually turned into porn machines almost immediately. I’m just glad he hasn’t traveled to 2143 yet to create a Jennifer sex bot.”

At press time, McFly regretted giving an interview in the first place and was last seen speeding away in the DeLorean for undisclosed reasons.

Nazi Not Sure How To Tell Family He Voted For Biden

Posted on by Kevin Tit

HANOVER, Pa. — Local Nazi, Kyle Rumbley, is unsure how to tell his family he voted for Joe Biden after Pennsylvania flipped blue, ultimately securing his election win, multiple members of the Aryan Brotherhood confirm.

“Who could have seen this coming?” said the 38-year-old racist. “Trump’s first four years honestly didn’t impress me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s beautiful the way he reminds white Americans that it’s okay to show our pride and supremacy, but I was really hoping he’d do more to contribute to the systemic oppression of minorities in this country. I just feel like with Biden’s 1994 crime bill, the mass deportations during the Obama years and constructing those concentration camps, Biden knew what he was doing. I’m just terrified of trying to explain all of this to my family.”

After hours of deliberating and self-flagellation, Rumbley broke the news to those closest to him, all of whom were reportedly very disappointed.

“I don’t have a son anymore,” exclaimed Trump diehard Janet Rumbley. “No boy of mine would vote for some socialist commie. I raised my kids better than that! I knew something was wrong the second he came home wearing an ‘All Lives Matter’ shirt. WHITE LIVES MATTER. PERIOD. That’s it. Trump was our savior. Sent down from Jesus Christ himself to save our great country. Now thanks to him, Creepy Joe and the rest of those Democrats are going to drag this country back through the mud, if you know what I mean.”

In an effort to mend their relationship, the Rumbley family began seeing a family therapist.

“There is no helping these people,” explained Dr. Vincent Gregory. “I know I’m breaking the doctor-patient confidentiality code, but I don’t see any way they can resolve this and, to be frank, it’s probably the best thing for all of us. She believes her son is turning his back on the white race, while he is desperately trying to explain how he is helping to further their cause. In my expert and personal opinion, the more they focus on their disdain for each other the less energy they have to actively focus on being literal Nazis.”

At press time, Rumbley was seen dressed in a Klan robe while giving a history lesson of the Democratic Party.

If Wine Can Sit in a Cellar for Decades Then This Week Old Coffee Table Beer Is Fine

Posted on by Rose Vineshank

Let me get one thing straight. This may be a punk house, but we’re upper-crust-punks. Whatever I offer my guests is of a caliber so high that even Huffy Joe who lives in the basement would look sober in comparison. That’s why when I tell you this week-old coffee table beer is fine, I don’t just mean it’s ok, I mean it is a fine vintage!

First of all, aren’t you impressed that I own a coffee table? I had to rob an Ikea slowly over the course of weeks to build this thing, piece by piece. You wouldn’t know anything about that sort of patience because you’re the type of person who likes premature beers the second they come out of the fridge!

You see, in order to brew the perfect potable, there are so many factors involved. Once you have the coffee table, you need to throw a rager where you and the same 5 dudes from your high school days sit around, get dangerously drunk, and form loose plans to revive your rancid cover band. It is at this moment your one friend will crack a beer and drink about half of it before passing out on your sofa.

By mouth breathing over the can for an hour or so before crashing your friend is giving the beer precious microbes that it will need to properly mature. At some point, they’ll accidentally put out a cigarette in it and that’s when the real magic starts.

Over the course of the next 7 days, the neglected punk house cat is going to form a habit of licking his balls and wandering over to the beer can to give it kisses. This part of the process may seem unorthodox, but this is actually the only way to unlock a hidden beer flavor called “the gundle.” Only us guys who are serious about our IPAs and Malts know about the gundle.

And so friend, I invite you to cast aside your preconceived notions about beverages and join us in witnessing the gundle with your entire mouth. I know you were nervous about this beer at first, but after being properly educated on crust punk mixology, I am sure you’re feeling pretty silly right about now.

Damn, that’s good Schlitz.

Guitar Solo Just Verse Melody

Posted on by Tim Nash

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local pop-punk group Dorm Room Philosophers reportedly fought over songwriting technique yesterday while recording their new album, accusing guitarist Trey Adams of recycling verse melodies for his solos.

“I just find it annoying that I spend all this time and effort crafting these verses of pure, unadulterated poetry… only to have their very essence hijacked by some ham-fisted, overdriven lead,” complained self-appointed band leader Danny Reynolds. “My words have real meaning, you know — people often refer to us as a ‘lyrics first’ band. I just wish others in this band could keep up and pull their weight.”

Adams strongly disagreed with Reynolds, not only on songwriting, but on band leadership.

“Look, when we first began playing, the dynamic was clear: Richards/Jagger, Jones/Strummer, Page/Plant. Danny can croon his overbearing nursery rhymes and shake that head of hair in front of those big blue eyes all day long, but let’s be honest, I’m the one bringing the real music to the masses here,” said Adams. “The only way he’s ever been able to come up with a melody is by following my chord changes; all of our songs are pretty much 75% me. Plus, he spends most of our practices sounding out riffs with his mouth at me and saying, ‘We need to use that.’”

While all drums and bass have been recorded, further tracking on Dorm Room Philosophers’ debut album has ceased completely, with the future of the band now up in the air.

“This happens literally all the time. I don’t know why they make such a fuss over every song — it all ends up sounding the same in the end,” lamented producer Kathy Alvarez. “When I first discovered the group, they were basically just writing Weezer B-sides. It was the rhythm section that really convinced me to take a chance on recording them in the first place. Those guys are great; I’m grabbing beers with them later tonight.”

At press time, both the drummer and bassist had left to attend college and join the military, respectively.

Twitter User Cancels 20 Others Before Turning the Cancel on Himself

Posted on by Ed Smith

LOS ANGELES — Local Twitter user Frederick Peterson, better known by his handle @freddiepeteyboy682, went on a tragic cancel spree early this morning, before turning the cancel on himself. 

Horrified witnesses who saw the thread said that Peterson posted hundreds of screenshots of various other Twitter users, attacking them for old tweets, creepy DMs, deleted photos, and more. Afterwards, Peterson started a new thread chronicling his own history of racism and abuse, before finally posting a half-apology in Notes app and shuttering his account.

“It was a bloodbath. I’m just happy I got out of there alive,” said Marissa Hubert, who reportedly once dressed as a Native American at Coachella. “Hiding behind a locked account and watching the mayhem, it’s a sight I don’t think I’ll ever get out of my head. ‘This you?’s piling up by the dozens. I’ll be in therapy for years.”

According to social media safety expert Dr. Kristof Morgan, these cancellation sprees are becoming more and more frequent. Unfortunately, however, the CDC has been barred from studying the effects and causes of them.

“The discourse is just too toxic,” Dr. Morgan explained. “This is a highly political issue, with both sides of the aisle loyal to powerful lobbying groups, such as the National Retweet Association. On one side, you have people saying that cancellations should never happen no matter what, and on the other side, you have people saying that only a good canceler can stop a bad cancel. What people don’t even mention is that a third of all cancelations are self-owns.”

“I hope that we can one day solve this issue,” he added, “but we can’t even discuss it without people getting heated.”

At press time, sources close to Peterson revealed that he was feeling remarkably well rested after shutting down his social media accounts.

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358/2 Reasons You Should Play the ‘Kingdom Hearts’ Series

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

Disney and Square Enix’s whimsical JRPG phenomenon, Kingdom Hearts, may be daunting to newcomers despite its longtime popularity. Each installment of the series adds countless new details to the games’ intricate, ongoing plot, making it harder to understand the story so far or jump in mid-stream as time goes on. Although it’s challenging to get started, following along with the adventure of Sora, Donald, and Goofy is well worth the effort. If you’re not fully convinced, we’ve put together this handy list of 358/2 reasons you should finally dig into the Kingdom Hearts series!

Reason 1: So Many Fun Characters!

You’ve probably heard all about the Disney characters featured in Kingdom Hearts like Mickey Mouse, Donald, and Goofy, but did you know that there are also Final Fantasy characters featured in the game as well? That’s right!

Reason 1.5 Final Mix HD+: The Story Isn’t That Hard to Follow!

You may be disoriented trying to figure out what order to play the Kingdom Hearts games in. The fact that each major chapter of the series has been re-released several times doesn’t help matters, either. Luckily, the story is extremely straightforward: boy meets girl, boy meets rival boy, rival boy makes pact with shadowy wizard, boy goes on trans-dimensional adventure to save girl’s heart along with talking duck and dog. Tale as old as time!

2.8 Final Reason Prologue: Plenty of Box Sets to Help You Catch Up!

Still overwhelmed by the plot of Kingdom Hearts despite my extremely clear synopsis? Fret not! Because of the huge gaps of time between each major release in the series, Kingdom Hearts games have been released in at least twenty different compilations and box sets that you can find in the bargain bin of any GameStop. Just fish your hand in there and pick one at random and you’re bound to have at least a few hours of fun!

(Unchained / Unreason χ [Chi]): The Unique Sense of Style!

From characters dressed head-to-toe in belts and buckles to bizarre punctuation only seen in Bon Iver albums, Kingdom Hearts is one of the most stylish game series around. Once you really get a handle on the series and incorporate it into your personality, your friends will all find you a thousand times cooler than before. Just make sure you learn how some of these titles are supposed to be pronounced so you don’t seem like a poser.

Reason III: Uhh

Alright, this just reminded me of Kingdom Hearts III which actually wasn’t that great.

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Wrong Game Show Host Dies

Posted on by Aaron Weerasinghe

LOS ANGELES — A heartbroken nation looked on with remorse this afternoon as reports tragically confirmed that the wrong game show host had died early this morning.

Following an outpouring of support after a diagnosis of stage 4 pancreatic cancer, the beloved game show host shared regular updates and continued working up until very recently before passing peacefully this morning, surrounded by friends. Sources say this is the exact opposite thing that many Americans were hoping would happen.

“I felt so upset once I learned the game show host that I love was gone,” said Tyler Reese, a longtime fan of the game show hosted by the dearly adored public figure. “I was hoping to wake up to news that the other game show host that I hate died violently surrounded by nobody, which is pretty much the exact opposite of what happened. This sucks. 

“And to make matters worse,” Reese added, “it’s also the host of the best TV show in history instead of the host of the worst TV show in history. Talk about bad luck.”

At press time, the nation was reportedly holding out hope for a Double Jeopardy.

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Donald Trump Decides to Buy PS5 After All

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

WASHINGTON — After initially claiming he was going to hold out until more exclusive next-gen titles became available, President Donald Trump has reversed his claim and decided to buy a PlayStation 5 after all, sources have confirmed.

“A truly surprising turn of events over these last few days,” said Kerri Holland, a Washington reporter who’s covered Trump’s entire term. “Trump has been railing against pre-ordering the systems for months and now suddenly in these last few days it seems something has shaken him to his foundational core. One day he was insisting that anyone that bought one of these new consoles was a phony gamer, and the next he’s posting these long Twitter threads about the DualSense controller. Truly remarkable times to be a games journalist.” 

Contradicting many earlier statements he’d made, the President called into Fox & Friends this morning to address the public about how he’d be sending his forthcoming recreational time.  

“We’re gonna do it,” President Trump said on the Fox News morning program, referencing his upcoming purchase of the standard model of the PS5. “We’re going to get an extra controller and we’re going to do the Astro Man, and the Spider-Man game. I play a lot of golf, as you know, and these guys I play with, they don’t always want to go! I say, ‘Hey, I’m ready to golf, it’s golf!’ and they’re not ready to go! I’m ready, they’re not. I get on the PlayStation, I can find someone on there. It’s real good, really, really good. PS5.” 

The bizarre phone interview began an otherwise uncharacteristically quiet day for the president, who refrained from any other communications today, aside from a tweet that read “THE PRE-ORDERS WERE HANDLED POORLY! BAD THINGS HAPPENED!”  

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Date Canceled Due to Low Attendance

Posted on by Johnny Mo

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Quarantined suitor Gabe Dawson canceled his highly anticipated Zoom date with “hot barista Dylan” last night after spending 45 minutes as the sole attendee, the sexually frustrated meeting host confirmed.

“I’ve always had a ‘show must go on’ philosophy when it comes to bad dates, and would always find the professionalism to power through my set of anecdotes whether or not anyone was actively listening,” the dejected Dawson said while updating a contact in his phone to “DO NOT ANSWER.” “But the turnout was so low for this one, I really had no choice but to cancel it. It sucks too, because I had the whole set locked down — I was gonna open with some classic stories from high school, debut a few new quips, and then close with my ‘Mario Kart’ win record.”

“I also do this funny thing where I randomly break out into a flawless British accent. ‘Oi, oi, innit a shame, mon?’” Dawson added. “Whatever. It’s his loss.”

The highly publicized event garnered scathing reviews from critics following its cancellation, with Gabe’s parents calling it “over before it started,” a besties group chat saying, “This is why you don’t shit where you eat, G,” and a “You love to see it,” from a bitter ex.

“We do our best to support Gabe’s dating life, but hopefully this will serve as a wake up call to stop playing around so much,” said Dawson’s mother Rayanne, from the home her son moved back into during the start of the COVID-19 pandemic. “Our hope is that he gets serious, goes back to school, and settles down with a nice student from class who’s at least willing to stand six feet away from him in a park or something.”

Dawson’s younger brother Darrius, who is not a fan of his older sibling, briefly witnessed the scene on his way to the kitchen to get a snack.

“I don’t blame his date for flaking. Gabe’s style is weird, loud, and he randomly does this really insensitive impression of what I think is supposed to be a deaf Jamaican,” the younger Dawson stated. “I’m sure someone out there is into that vibe, but I can’t stand him… and apparently, neither can hot baristas.”

Dawson has no future dates scheduled and will be focusing on playing with himself in the garage.

Photo by Stephen Bell.

Metal Vocalist Wearing Glasses Probably Headed to Court Date

Posted on by John Dixon

ATLANTA — Adam Hansen, the lead vocalist of death metal band Corpse Licker and best known for his flowing locks and grimly haunting aesthetic, was in downtown Atlanta yesterday wearing glasses, sparking speculation he was most likely on his way to a court date.

“They’re just glasses — they don’t mean anything aside from my eyesight being shit,” Hansen said, looking less like a dark acolyte and more like someone’s recently reformed brother-in-law. “I can’t be fucking grim and intimidating all the time. People need to let a guy remove his contacts, comb his hair a little, and wear a dress shirt and slacks downtown in peace. People think if I’m not wearing my gauntlets, then I must be going in front of a judge for another DUI charge or something… which is only sort of true. But still, mind your business.”

Longtime fans of Corpse Licker believe, however, that Hansen would not wear glasses unless absolutely necessary.

“Glasses are absolutely not brutal or kvlt and, well… Adam is one of the most brutal and kvlt vocalists out there,” said Greg Butanski, moderator of a subreddit dedicated to the band that has seen its highest ever traffic following the glasses sighting. “So like, there’s no way in hell Adam would ever wear glasses, unless he was being forced to by the fucking meat grinder that is society. He probably killed a goat in a library, or spit on a baby, or punched a cop, and now he’s in trouble with the law.”

Metal historian Jeffrey Lecher has studied the phenomena of spotting your metal heroes in public.

“The adage ‘never meet your heroes’ holds true. It’s very hard to be metal 24-7. These people are just like us, but it’s hard for fans to understand these guys have to lead a normal life at times, too,” Lecher explained. “Some wear glasses, some need inhalers, some have to buy kitty litter… it’s jarring to see them as normal citizens, and not spitting blood or cutting their chests with broken glass. Aging, losing your eyesight, and paying your debt to society isn’t very metal, but it happens.”

Compounding his controversy, Hansen’s Google search history revealed that he was also looking at high-and-tight haircut styles.