HILL VALLEY, Calif. — Marty McFly admitted today that he now mostly uses his time machine to go back in 12-hour intervals and stop himself from drunk dialing his ex-girlfriend, sources allege but can’t quite prove.
“The timeline is all fixed, but me and Jennifer broke up, and you know how it is — every once in a while I’ll pound a few Bartles & Jaymes and start scrolling through Insta, and before you know it, I’m leaving her a 20-minute voicemail rambling about how I’m thinking about getting my band The Pinheads back together,” said a visibly ashamed McFly. “But then I wake up the next morning with a headache, and it’s like, ‘This is heavy. Quick, to the DeLorean!’ Then I pop back a few hours and smack the phone out of past me’s hand. Works every time.”
Though McFly’s ex Jennifer never remembers the interactions, she does have some growing suspicions.
“I was there one of the times Marty ‘fixed’ the past, so I know what he’s capable of,” she commented, desperately searching for evidence of space-time continuum manipulation. “There have been a few nights where he’ll watch all my Instagram stories and like years-old posts. Sometimes if I open a text, I’ll even see the three bubbles like he’s about to write something, only for it to then fade away before my eyes.”
While disappointed by the misuse of his invention, friend and mentor Dr. Emmett Brown empathized with McFly.
“My family and I live on our time machine, so I can’t fix things, but I get the impulse to,” Brown said while searching for a spot to land his giant train-house. “When I hit my head and invented the flux capacitor, I hoped it’d be used to explore history… though this is certainly preferable to the alternative, as all the greatest human innovations are usually turned into porn machines almost immediately. I’m just glad he hasn’t traveled to 2143 yet to create a Jennifer sex bot.”
At press time, McFly regretted giving an interview in the first place and was last seen speeding away in the DeLorean for undisclosed reasons.