HANOVER, Pa. — Local Nazi, Kyle Rumbley, is unsure how to tell his family he voted for Joe Biden after Pennsylvania flipped blue, ultimately securing his election win, multiple members of the Aryan Brotherhood confirm.
“Who could have seen this coming?” said the 38-year-old racist. “Trump’s first four years honestly didn’t impress me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s beautiful the way he reminds white Americans that it’s okay to show our pride and supremacy, but I was really hoping he’d do more to contribute to the systemic oppression of minorities in this country. I just feel like with Biden’s 1994 crime bill, the mass deportations during the Obama years and constructing those concentration camps, Biden knew what he was doing. I’m just terrified of trying to explain all of this to my family.”
After hours of deliberating and self-flagellation, Rumbley broke the news to those closest to him, all of whom were reportedly very disappointed.
“I don’t have a son anymore,” exclaimed Trump diehard Janet Rumbley. “No boy of mine would vote for some socialist commie. I raised my kids better than that! I knew something was wrong the second he came home wearing an ‘All Lives Matter’ shirt. WHITE LIVES MATTER. PERIOD. That’s it. Trump was our savior. Sent down from Jesus Christ himself to save our great country. Now thanks to him, Creepy Joe and the rest of those Democrats are going to drag this country back through the mud, if you know what I mean.”
In an effort to mend their relationship, the Rumbley family began seeing a family therapist.
“There is no helping these people,” explained Dr. Vincent Gregory. “I know I’m breaking the doctor-patient confidentiality code, but I don’t see any way they can resolve this and, to be frank, it’s probably the best thing for all of us. She believes her son is turning his back on the white race, while he is desperately trying to explain how he is helping to further their cause. In my expert and personal opinion, the more they focus on their disdain for each other the less energy they have to actively focus on being literal Nazis.”
At press time, Rumbley was seen dressed in a Klan robe while giving a history lesson of the Democratic Party.