FedEx Driver Takes Xbox Series X on One Last Tour of City Before It Gets Locked Up in Your House Forever

Posted on by Andy Holt

LOS ANGELES — Your scheduled delivery time was delayed this afternoon when FedEx driver Shannon Hunter took your Xbox Series X on a final whirl around the city, taking in the sights and sounds before it served the rest of its life locked up in your TV stand.

“I was about to drop it off during the listed 2 to 5 p.m. delivery window, but then I got to thinking about the little guy. He’s gonna spend the rest of his life in a dark cage, working for nothing, for some stranger he can’t even see,” said Hunter, who drove within a mile of your house twice this morning. “I thought he might want to see the Pacific one last time.”

Hunter defended her actions, saying that while delivering packages was her job, sometimes you needed to show a little humanity in life.

“Look, I’m not in denial. I know this guy deserves what’s coming to him. 12 teraflops? AMD Zen 2, RDNA 2, 1TB SSD, and ray tracing? I’d lock him up, too, under a nice big OLED screen,” said Hunter, just out of earshot from your Xbox Series X, which was taking in one final sunset on a cliff in Malibu. “I just hope they give him some air flow every now and then.”

The driver and your Xbox were last seen closing out the night at a diner, saying maybe they book it out of town under the cover of night, wake up in the morning somewhere different, start this whole life over again just like that.

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Reddit User Reports Vile, Horrifying Image for Being a Repost

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Physically recoiling at the offensive post currently visible on his screen, longtime Reddit user Derek Lefferts flagged and reported a vile, horrifying image on the subreddit r/TIHI for being a repost.

“This is absolutely disgusting and should be taken down immediately,” said Lefferts, excoriating the original poster for violating the standards of the Reddit community with their insensitive action. “Never in all of my years on this website has someone done something as awful as this. You should honestly delete your account, I’m sure the FBI will be on their way to detain you soon.”

Commenters commended Lefferts for his vigilance in reporting the post by exchanging their favorite punchlines from comedy movies, sharing links to right-wing misinformation, and typing out the lyrics to several Top 40 songs in a series of comment replies.

Lefferts says that, although Reddit is misunderstood and can be intimidating to new users, that the community often bands together to stop atrocities such as reposts from occurring.

“The way I see it, Reddit is like a miniature society. And just like a real society, it’s our job as Redditors to follow a strict set of mostly meaningless rules and silly pleasantries while totally ignoring horrific things that fall slightly out of the jurisdiction of those rules. I can’t make the world a better place, but I can make the internet feel more like the real world by making people interact with pedantic busybodies like me. Oh hey, it’s my cake day! Huzzah!”

At press time, Lefferts was entering his credit card information to reward another user with Reddit Gold for a stolen joke that made him laugh.

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We Debunk Our Wife’s Claim That She’s “Leaving Us” Because We’ve Become a “Conspiracy Weirdo”

Posted on by Dan Rice

Well apparently it’s “where we go one, we go alone” for me. Somehow, while my back was turned, my wife Linda became compromised by agents of the deep state. She is now propagating the leftist psyop that I have become some kind of “conspiracy weirdo” and that she “can’t live like this anymore.”

I don’t know what they have on her but it must be something big for her to be coerced into saying something so PROVABLY UNTRUE. Let’s put these claims under the lens of a little thing I like to call “the truth,” shall we?

Claim 1 “Carl, you are unstable.”

Status: DEBUNKED!

There’s nothing “crazy” about wanting to see the Satan-worshipping pedophiles in our government hunted down! If anything, my passion for bringing these reptilian monsters to justice makes me MORE SANE than the average fluoride-zombified person! I have been saying this repeatedly and loudly to a number of doctors, law enforcement officials, and mail careers for years!

Claim 2: “I don’t even recognize you anymore.”

Status: DEBUNKED!

Take a closer look at Claim 1. My wife clearly refers to me as “Carl” before her attempted character assassination.

She knows who I am.

Claim 3: “Carl, You are having delusions of grandeur.”

Status: DEBUNKED!

It is possible that my wife is making such erratic claims because the deep state threatened to kill me if she didn’t. In fact, it’s definitely that. She loves me too much. But I don’t need her protection! I have the information, resources, and strength to take on the baby-eating cabal of devil worshipers running our shadow government.

In fact, I’m the ONLY ONE who can do it.

By the way, did you notice she dropped my name again? She’s barely even trying to sell this thing. It’s sad.

Claim 4: “You have become a dangerous person.”

Status: DEBUNKED!

With the arsenal I’ve acquired since heroic patriots like Q opened my eyes to the truth, I’m just about the safest person you can be around.

The libs are going to make their move any day now. While I do believe their attempted coop will fail thanks to four years of Trump’s leadership, it’s going to be a dangerous time for all Christians. What’s “dangerous” is living in a home WITHOUT an armory of assault rifles, armor-piercing rounds, and a Roomba with an AR-15 I mounted to it.

Yes, sir. Me and Kill-drone are about as safe as anyone can be right now. I’ve even programmed him to pour a half-way decent jack on the rocks.

Claim 5: “I’m leaving you.”

Status: DEBUNKED!

She’ll be back.

Sheeeeee’ll be back.

Yup.

Unused Best Man Speech Salvaged for Eulogy

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

CLEVELAND — Local man Ryan Kaufman salvaged the majority of his unused best man speech yesterday after adding some minor edits to instead eulogize his recently deceased friend, grieving sources confirmed.

“Obviously, I was more than a little bummed when Sean died during our bachelor party ATV trip. But the silver lining was I no longer had to give the best man speech. I hate public speaking, you know?” said Kaufman. “But then his so-called ‘bereaved’ parents sprung this eulogy crap on me. So I pretty much just copied and pasted the wedding toast, but changed all the times in it where I called him a great guy to the past tense, and cut out a ton of exclamation points. And I nixed the story about getting banned from that fucked-up strip club in Youngstown.”

Funeral guest Zachary Bruni noted, however, that the eulogy was not nearly as funeral-appropriate as Kaufman believed.

“You could tell he tried his best to make the speech make sense, but there was still plenty of wedding content that had no business being in a eulogy. Like, I don’t think the fiancée of the deceased needed to hear that she ‘looked beautiful on her special day,’” explained Bruni. “I’ll give him credit for still trying to carry out that bit where he pretends to give Sean a Stone Cold Stunner, but it probably would have worked better if they were both alive and one wasn’t in a coffin.”

“We all got a grim reminder of why the family asked for this to be a closed casket funeral,” he added.

Kaufman allegedly “continued to make a scene” following the burial.

“Ryan had a few shots of ‘liquid courage’ for the speech, and he started to treat the after-funeral luncheon like a wedding reception,” said Kaufman’s friend Quinn Conley. “He hit on a bunch of the younger women there, and then tossed a flower arrangement up towards the ceiling as if it was a bouquet. Someone’s dad eventually roughed him up after he loudly announced that it was a good thing Katie had a black veil because she had no business wearing white.”

Following Kaufman’s untimely death from a drunk driving accident last night, friends admitted they will be salvaging what they planned to say to him during an upcoming intervention to instead memorialize him on Facebook.

Opinion: Biden Can Kiss My Fat Ass if He Thinks He Can Tax the $400,000 I Don’t Have Yet

Posted on by Kevin Tit

Fuck Joe Biden. Plain and simple. Who does that commie bastard think he is trying to raise taxes on blue-collar workers like me? Sure, I may not have $400,000 yet but I work too damn hard for this man to think he can take it away from me once I finally do! I’m tired of democrats taxing salt-of-the-earth pre-millionaires like myself just so some scumbag welfare recipients can use their food stamps to get high on scratch-off tickets.

As far as my political affiliations go, let’s just say I’m socially liberal and fiscally hypothetical.

I’ve been working at this company for over twenty years and let me tell you, I don’t bust my ass for 80 hours a week so some socialist mother fucker can come along and take caviar out the mouths of my boss and his family. He’s worked his whole life to make sure people like me have the opportunity to make him money from sunup to sundown every single day. I owe this man my damn life. That’s what he calls it, anyway. You’d probably call it, “paying sky-high premiums for catastrophic health insurance.”

I know my big break is coming soon. I can feel it. I’m just a few lottery tickets away from hitting big and buying a lake house just like my boss. I’ll be damned if anybody thinks they can get in the way of that dream. Except for my boss, who does so on a regular basis.

I’ll defend his, and every American’s mass wealth, with every asthmatic breath in my withering body because I know that when I acquire that type of wealth, they’ll do the same for me.

Punk House White Noise Machine Turns Out to be Gas Leak

Posted on by Danny Taverner

DALLAS — Residents of the local punk house The Lincoln Memorial learned yesterday that the white noise machine they thought they’ve been using for the past four months is actually a gas leak coming from the basement, woozy sources confirmed.

“I’ve never actually seen the device itself,” said one of the eight residents of the house, Thomas Narvaez. “I just assumed Serg stole it from Bed, Bath, and Beyond after they fired him for trying to make pizza bagels in a floor model toaster oven during his 15-minute break. I keep having the wildest dreams thanks to that machine: one night, I woke up thinking I was the reincarnation of Dimebag Darrell, until I remembered I was 16 when he died. It was the single greatest night of my life.”

However, neighbors have applauded the residents’ new and improved sleep schedule. Several homeowners on the street voiced support for the quieter evenings and less rowdy shows.

“If I’d known all it would take to settle them down was a little gas, I would’ve run a hose attached to my truck’s muffler into their kitchen window months ago,” said Shondra Peele, who lives next door. “I don’t wake up with a bunch of filthy punks passed out in my bushes anymore; they all just seem to be passed out in their living room. The other morning one of them stumbled out the front door and fell asleep on the porch — it looked like they hit their head pretty hard on the way down, but it’s not my job to babysit those idiots.”

Atmos Energy, who provides gas services to the neighborhood, sent senior technician Ron Dreyer to investigate and repair the leak as soon as possible.

“This house is a ticking time bomb. Light one cigarette in the wrong room, and this whole block would be blown to smithereens,” Dreyer said. “I tried to access their shut off valve so we could avoid a disaster, but they had this angry looking dog that bit my tool pouch as soon as I walked past their fence. It’s not worth my time.”

Members of the punk community have started a GoFundMe to raise enough money for The Lincoln Memorial to invest in an actual white noise machine, raising $9.84 over 4 days.

Photo by Rick Homuth.

Horrified Mario Regrets Triple Jumping Into H.R. Giger Painting

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

METRO KINGDOM — Local adventurer Mario Mario is allegedly trapped inside an unsettling painting by modern artist H.R. Giger after having jumped 12-feet into the air from a standing position and passing through it like a magic portal.

“I was working the Sunday afternoon shift when I saw this short, mustachioed fella practicing parkour in the contemporary art wing,” said museum security guard Rory Ferguson. “I told him to leave but he yelled ‘so long, rent-a-cop’ and then backflipped to the second floor. I thought I finally cornered him, but then he flipped right into that creepy as all get out H.R. Giger painting. No one has seen him since.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Mario’s brother Luigi Mario was called in to help locate his brother.

“Naturally the museum a-contacted me, as I’m the one who a-handles spooky shit. And of course, I rescued Mario when a-King Boo trapped him inside an a-painting before,” said Luigi. “I had a device on loan from-a Professor E. Gadd that allowed Mario and I to-a communicate. He told me about how there was-a someone, or-a something, in the painting with him that sort of resembled a toad. But when Mario a-pproached it, a penis a-monster exploded from its stomach and scurried off. And not the-a cum kind of exploded.”

While Mario reportedly tried to remain in good spirits, it was clear he deeply regretted entering the painting.

“Mama-mia. It’s just-a all so phallic. There’s-a no blue coins, there’s a-not even any warp pipes. I thought I-a saw a mushroom, but it was-a just the tip of another a-dick. It’s just-a all cold, gray, sinuous dicks-a. Dicks-a everywhere,” whimpered Mario. “Please-a, tell the princess not-a to wait for me. Bowser, he can-a provide her with-a good life. Go to him-a, princess.”

At press time, several yoshis had been sent in to rescue Mario, but many have unfortunately merged with the drooling, endoparasitoid monsters found inside the painting after eating some xenomorph eggs.

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Review: ‘Assassin’s Creed Valhalla’ Brilliantly Uses Viking Lore to Tell a Story of Fatherh—OK I’m Realizing Now I’m Playing ‘God of War’

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Assassin’s Creed Valhalla, Ubisoft’s brilliant new adventure in gaming that lets you take on the life of a powerful viking, traveling through Norse mythology all while fathering your young son, is a brilliantly relatable story and perhaps their best work ever. After just a few moments, I found myself entirely absorbed by the sharp gameplay, linear action scenes, and legitimately affecting storylines. 

These are all my true feelings of a masterpiece video game that I did not realize until just now is actually 2018’s God of War.

So what’s the deal with the game I was actually trying to review? Assassin’s Creed Valhalla is “set in 873 AD [and] the game recounts a fictional story of the Viking invasion of Britain,” at least according to Wikipedia. I actually don’t really know anything else beyond that.

In fact, I was pretty impressed I was even able to get a review copy of the game in the first place. I’m not really a big time reviewer or anything. Most of my reviews of video games are relegated to Facebook posts, where they can get upwards of four likes and one laugh-react. 

When I walked into GameStop saying I’d like to buy this review copy of Assassin’s Creed Valhalla, I was admittedly surprised by the weird look the cashier gave me. I was also surprised they had the game available for sale at the store in the first place and that I was able to purchase it without showing any proof that I was a real reviewer. I just figured they were able to tell based on my look.

Obviously, now I realize that I was holding a copy of God of War.

To be completely honest with you, I’m not even sure why I’m publishing this at all. For whatever reason, this video game publication, Hard Drive, seems content with just passing along whatever I send them without actually reading it. The standards at this publication are shockingly low, and I say that as someone who was too dumb to realize until 15 hours into a video game that it wasn’t even the right genre.

Anyway, I guess I give Assassin’s Creed Valhalla an 8/10. I’m not really sure why, but from the trailers and two other reviews that I skimmed, it looks perfectly serviceable. But you know, not amazing or anything.

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Hideous, Oversized Uniform Polo Shirt Insufficient Shield From Creepy Regular’s Eyes

Posted on by Lauren Lavín

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Local sandwich artist Allison Kim’s spacious, work-issued polo shirt did little to block a well-known customer’s intense, sexually-charged leer, according to uncomfortable sources.

“My old shirt was already too big and made me look like a dork, but I asked my boss to get another couple sizes up after I noticed this guy staring at me,” explained Kim. “It basically comes down to my knees like a blanket with a collar, and has 800 stains all over it. Even my girlfriend is turned off by me when I wear it. But this one dude’s gaze is unstoppable: every Tuesday and Thursday like clockwork, I can feel myself being eye-groped before he’s even through the door.”

“You’d think the COVID masks would make it better, but I’m pretty sure I saw him licking his lips under his mask the last time he was here,” she added.

Manager James Raleigh was “you know, obviously very sympathetic, but not too sympathetic, just the legally allotted amount of sympathetic” to Kim’s plight.

“We take the security of our employees very seriously. In fact, from day one I said I didn’t mind if she kept wearing the bigger size shirt, even though wearing one that fits better might bring in more customers,” Raleigh said. “But unless this guy does something more serious, like grab her, or take her out of the store never to be seen again, my hands are tied. And I mean that as a figure of speech — it’s not a bondage kink thing, and we’re outside of the store anyway, so I can’t be sued for talking about it.”

After being asked about his behavior in the sandwich shop, local chiropractor Charles Barnett said, “Why, did she ask about me?” before denying having ever stared at Kim.

“Look, I’m just a sandwich-head, you know? Really into unusual flavor combinations,” he explained. “I like things to be spicy and sweet. So when [Kim] says hello to me in that stiff, resentful way, and keeps her body fully obscured by the tent-like polo shirt she wears to work, it’s obviously going to attract my attention. I can’t help it — I’m a red-blooded male who likes seeing an unhappy girl wearing a too-big shirt, just like the next guy.”

At press time, Kim was on her way to work with a ski mask she hoped her boss would accept as a CDC-recommended facial covering.