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Hideous, Oversized Uniform Polo Shirt Insufficient Shield From Creepy Regular’s Eyes

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Local sandwich artist Allison Kim’s spacious, work-issued polo shirt did little to block a well-known customer’s intense, sexually-charged leer, according to uncomfortable sources.

“My old shirt was already too big and made me look like a dork, but I asked my boss to get another couple sizes up after I noticed this guy staring at me,” explained Kim. “It basically comes down to my knees like a blanket with a collar, and has 800 stains all over it. Even my girlfriend is turned off by me when I wear it. But this one dude’s gaze is unstoppable: every Tuesday and Thursday like clockwork, I can feel myself being eye-groped before he’s even through the door.”

“You’d think the COVID masks would make it better, but I’m pretty sure I saw him licking his lips under his mask the last time he was here,” she added.

Manager James Raleigh was “you know, obviously very sympathetic, but not too sympathetic, just the legally allotted amount of sympathetic” to Kim’s plight.

“We take the security of our employees very seriously. In fact, from day one I said I didn’t mind if she kept wearing the bigger size shirt, even though wearing one that fits better might bring in more customers,” Raleigh said. “But unless this guy does something more serious, like grab her, or take her out of the store never to be seen again, my hands are tied. And I mean that as a figure of speech — it’s not a bondage kink thing, and we’re outside of the store anyway, so I can’t be sued for talking about it.”

After being asked about his behavior in the sandwich shop, local chiropractor Charles Barnett said, “Why, did she ask about me?” before denying having ever stared at Kim.

“Look, I’m just a sandwich-head, you know? Really into unusual flavor combinations,” he explained. “I like things to be spicy and sweet. So when [Kim] says hello to me in that stiff, resentful way, and keeps her body fully obscured by the tent-like polo shirt she wears to work, it’s obviously going to attract my attention. I can’t help it — I’m a red-blooded male who likes seeing an unhappy girl wearing a too-big shirt, just like the next guy.”

At press time, Kim was on her way to work with a ski mask she hoped her boss would accept as a CDC-recommended facial covering.