Death Row Inmate Really Regrets Not Becoming Cop Before Committing String of Murders

Posted on by Kevin Tit

BATON ROUGE, La. — Convicted murderer and death row inmate Tanner Greene’s biggest regret in life is not becoming a cop before embarking on the string of vicious killings that led to his upcoming execution in a Louisiana state prison, multiple correctional officers confirm.

“Aw, man… if I knew what I know now, I’d have made sure to set aside the time to become a police officer before I embarked on my killing spree. If I was a cop, I could’ve said the people I slowly dismembered while bathing in their blood threatened me, and no jury in the world would have convicted me,” said the brutal serial killer. “I was so focused on peeling faces off of living things that I never considered a career path for people like me to do it and not go to prison. My stomach dropped when my arresting officer told me it only took him eight weeks to finish training.”

Legal advisors across the state admit that winning this case would have been impossible had Greene joined the force.

“Greene was by far the most heinous killer I’ve ever put behind bars,” said District Attorney Michael Kurtz. “We’re just thankful this guy wasn’t one of our boys in blue, because my hands would have been tied and this monster would have been free to walk the streets with the rest of our brothers in uniform. Could you imagine my office prosecuting a police officer for barging into somebody’s home unannounced and murdering them while they’re asleep in bed? Yeah, right. That’s not gonna happen anytime soon.”

Indeed, several veteran officers confirmed that the qualified immunity behind the badge influenced their career choices.

“Sure, it’s assault or rape or murder if you’re a civillian. But when you’re in this uniform, it’s just called ‘doing the job,’” Ofc. Luis Gomez laughed. “To be completely honest, I’d been ‘doing the job’ in the shadows for years as a civilian, and life just started to get way too stressful — always worrying about getting caught for committing a series of crimes is no way to live. That’s the only reason I joined the force. It’s so liberating to not have to worry anymore. The best part has been harassing all the women who accused me of abusing them in the past by planting drugs on their family members. Those arrests are so satisfying.”

Likewise, Greene’s fellow inmate Amos Klein, serving time for embezzling money from his employer, admitted he wishes he’d become a politician so his crime would also be ignored.

Opinion: This Means That Celebrity Imagine Video Worked

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

First and foremost, we want to say congratulations President Biden! Well, moreso good riddance Donald Trump but six in one hand, half dozen in the other, am I right? The point is, we all worked together. All of our efforts combined helped to make this happen. Every act of defiance. Every word, spoken or typed, led to this victory for democracy.

Oh and hey, on that note, remember when all those A-listers made that cringy, condescending video montage singing John Lennon’s “Imagine?” And remember how we mocked them mercilessly? Well, considering recent events, we’re just saying… maybe it worked a little.

WE ARE SO SORRY GAL GADOT! YOUR VIDEO TOTALLY WORKED! PLEASE MAKE MORE EVERY DAY!

Various famous people thought they’d make a genuine and vulnerable gesture in an attempt to inspire change and you cynical, jaded meanies just made fun of it. And now, months later, the big bad Cheeto in Chief is left hanging his head in shame. Still in the oval office, though, and still very much in power for a few more months.

Doesn’t matter though. Look at the scoreboard. Tone-deaf celebs: 1. Twitter users: 0.

Maybe you should think before you try to ‘pwn’ a celeb just looking to do something wonderful with their platform. Someone with a massive fan base that values their thoughts and opinions, no matter how vapid, leveraging said audience in an attempt to help people should be met with positivity. Think of these poor celebrities trapped in their mansions with no job to be let go from. Can you imagine? It’s easy if you try. It’s certainly easier than providing for your family during a mini-apocalypse when you were already living paycheck-to-paycheck to begin with. But that’s not the point! The point is the video clearly worked. So shut it, haters!

On the other hand that video was definitely super lame. Maybe the internet did have a point.

The Polyphonic Spree Spotted on Tinder Seeking a 25th

Posted on by Kendra Mosenson

DALLAS –– Two dozen members of the choral rock band The Polyphonic Spree are allegedly on Tinder looking for an “open-minded and multi-instrumented” 25th, confused app users reported.

“The group dynamic just hasn’t been the same since our third-chair hydraulophone player quit,” said Polyphonic Spree leader Tim DeLaughter. “What people don’t seem to get is that this isn’t even a sex thing; believe me, we have that covered. There’s just such a palpable difference when there are only 24 people performing in the studio all at once. We only chose Tinder because Craigslist had too many creeps.”

Potential suitors were trepidacious, but intrigued.

“At first I didn’t really get what was going on — I was just overwhelmed by how many people there were,” said potential match Aaron Humphreys. “They had a picture of the whole band standing in a desert. Yeah, I’m looking for adventurous people, but the body-length robes just seemed really impractical… and I felt like that bad decision-making might come up again later in our relationship. What really made me swipe left, though, was that they plugged their ‘Lithium’ cover in their bio. That’s really tacky.”

Higher-ups at the dating app have been alerted to the band’s activities and released a statement earlier this week.

“After receiving multiple notices of a 24-person collective seeking a 25th member for ‘undisclosed activities,’ our tech team is investigating the account,” said Tinder CEO Jim Lanzone. “We don’t know how they did it, but their profile says that their age is 18-65+ and every one of our users has come into contact with them. And everyone who has reported a match said that the group opened conversation with the question, ‘How many people can fit in your car?’ We’ve been trying to reach the band, but so far all of our calls have been met with an a cappella outgoing message.”

As of now, Tinder reported, they are unable to ban The Polyphonic Spree as every time they’ve tried to shut down their account, a new band member has opened another in its place. The tech team is currently on its 13th attempt and is hoping for a better outcome this time.

CDC Warns of Contagious Brain Parasite That Convinces People Buying a Gaming Chair Is a Good Idea

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

ATLANTA — Warning that the spread of the new threat would only add further strain to the ongoing global health crisis, virologists at the CDC warned yesterday of an alarming new threat to the American public in the form of a contagious brain parasite which convinces people that spending their hard-earned money on a gaming chair is actually a good idea.

“We are learning more about this new threat every day, but so far we can confirm that the primary symptom caused by the parasite is the sudden impulse to purchase one of those huge upholstered gaming chairs,” said Dr. Claire Harrington in prepared remarks to the press. “This is not unlike the way that some parasitic worms control the brains of their host, and the effects are just as deadly to the aesthetic of your living space.”

Dr. Harrington noted that while the CDC is still studying the different ways the parasite could spread, the highest risk of transmission comes from face-to-face transmission between an infected person who already owns a gamer chair and an uninfected person who has really been thinking about one lately.

“Luckily, the parasite does not seem to travel through the air. What’s even more troubling is the possibility that it naturally occurs in the human body after seeing or talking to someone about a gaming chair. The likelihood of infection can also be doubled once an uninfected person hears how easy the chairs are to put together and how comfortable they are for late night gaming sessions.”

Gamers across the country say that they are fearful of exposure to this new threat.

“I’m at much higher risk of deciding to buy a gamer chair due to my pre-existing condition of having a cheap desk chair from AmazonBasics,” said gamer Tyler Boone, logging onto Twitter to mute the words “gaming chair” in an effort to reduce his exposure to the virus. “I want to reach out to my friends to see if they’re okay, but there’s always the risk that they’ve just bought a gaming chair that they can’t wait to tell me about. You just can’t be too careful right now.”

At press time, the CDC had updated its guidance to warn gamers against gathering in large Discord servers until sales of gaming chairs dropped back down below acceptable levels.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

GameStop Offers $7.25 Trade-In Credit for Hour of Employee’s Life

Posted on by Saad Khan

GRAPEVINE, Texas — After careful consideration of its market value, a local GameStop location offered recently hired employee Rob Lindsey $7.25 trade-in credit in exchange for an hour of his finite life.

“At first it didn’t seem like such a bad deal,” said Lindsey, who was interviewed during a lunch break for which he ultimately would not receive any trade-in credit. “But the more I thought about it, the more messed up it seemed. I traded in a copy of Pokémon Sword a while ago, and they definitely gave me more than $7.25 for it. And come to think of it, they’re actually selling it for way more than that now. I can’t even buy it back with the piece of my life that I traded in.”

“That’s just how it is, though,” added Lindsey, while consuming a sandwich that cost him the majority of his trade-in credit earned so far. “They give you a small cut then turn around and use what you gave them to make millions.”

GameStop CEO George Sherman said the trade-in credit paid to Lindsey was completely fair and in line with company policy.

“We take great care to consider all market forces when pricing our employees’ all-too-finite lifespan,” he said, lounging on the deck of a newly-purchased yacht. “The condition of the life in question also plays a role, and we tend to avoid older ones due to increased costs. However, we understand the market value of our employees, and we do a thorough analysis before offering the minimum amount that we can legally offer.”

At press time, sources reported that GameStop had further reduced Lindsey’s trade-in credit by reclassifying him as an independent contractor.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Quoting 20-Year-Old Local Car Dealership Ad Only Thing Siblings Still Have in Common

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

OLIVETTE, Mo. — Siblings Freddy and Kevin Rosario have separately come to the unfortunate conclusion that quoting a “Plimpton Auto” ad from 2000 is the only thing left they have in common.

“The Plimpton ad played every commercial break during wrestling on Saturday nights, so we must’ve seen it hundreds of times. That absolute masterpiece had everything: thick regional accents, numerous air horns, old white people rapping, a washed-up NHL player, and even the owner’s daughter awkwardly tap-dancing on top of a used Saturn,” said Freddy. “But what we didn’t realize at the time was that some two decades later, this commercial would be the very shaky foundation on which our entire relationship rests. Time sure is a funny, brutal thing.”

To his credit, little brother and now 31-year-old man Kevin Rosario has tried to find new ways to bond with his older brother.

“We both know we can’t just keep texting each other ‘Oh truck yeah!’ every three months. So, I’ve been trying to find something new for us to quote during family gatherings. I sent him a link to a recent Plimpton Auto ad from a few years ago, but now the owner’s got hair plugs and it’s just a real bummer,” said Kevin. “It sucks that we don’t have some sort of shared childhood trauma that would’ve bound us together for life, you know? Instead we got stuck with bullshit, loving parents.”

Dealership owner and commercial star Carl Plimpton was both flattered for the renewed attention and desperate to sell a car.

“$999, are you out of your mind? Am I out of my mind? Who are you people?” said a visibly confused and frantic Plimpton. “Sure glad to hear someone still gets a kick out of my old commercials. But for the love of Christ, tell them to come in and buy a couple of Buick Cascadas or something. We’re tanking over here.”

At press time, Freddy was taking up smoking in an attempt to die first and avoid having to think of material to someday include in his brother’s eulogy.

Iron Maiden Announces “Oops All Guitars” Tour Lineup

Posted on by John Dixon

LONDON — Venerable heavy metal legends Iron Maiden announced they will hit the road again late next year and will feature a touring lineup consisting entirely of guitarists.

“We actually stumbled upon the idea during a rehearsal, where one of our guitarists tried to mimic my vocals on the higher frets of a guitar… and we realized it was actually bang-on and decided to run with it,” said frontman and vocalist Bruce Dickinson while attempting to tune a guitar by ear. “This tour will be a grand musical experiment for us. I’m excited to add ‘professional guitarist’ to my resumé, right between ‘pilot’ and ‘Olympic level fencer.'”

However, other band members, including founder and bassist Steve Harris, did not share Dickinson’s enthusiasm.

“They’re trying to get me to pick up a six string and learn a new instrument for this gimmick tour, and I’m not here for it,” said Harris, clutching and stroking his bass. “I wrote most of these bloody songs myself and they’re trying to sack me. I keep trying to tell them that a bass is a guitar, and they just respond, ‘Come now, Steve — a bass is hardly an instrument, let alone a guitar.’ What will ‘The Trooper’ sound like without rumbling bass underneath? Shit! That’s what!”

Metal historian Jenny Bloom explained that it is quite common for bands to try new things.

“As bands get older, they have to find new ways to spice up the live act. Fans will be excited to see one of their favorite bands in a new way after all these years,” Bloom said. “While this tour seems to be nothing but neoclassical riffs for two hours, let’s be honest: that’s what they really want anyway. I think this is going to go over much better than Van Halen’s ‘Vocals Only’ tour.”

Sadly, Iron Maiden’s famous mascot Eddie has contracted COVID-19 and is expected to have a long recovery process, preventing him from showing off his guitar chops.

New Hyper Realistic Dildo Can’t Stay Hard and Smokes All Your Weed

Posted on by Dom Turek

NEW YORK — Luxury sex toy manufacturer Bad Vibrations claims their latest dildo, which can’t maintain a full erection and smokes the user’s entire cannabis stash during use, is the first of its kind to accurately simulate intercourse with a man.

“We went to great lengths to make sure women’s needs were realistically unmet when engineering this dildo,” said Vanessa Kent, the lead designer of the dildo. “After compiling data from nationwide focus groups, our company found that if we truly wanted to replicate the human sexual experience, we had to focus less on giving women multiple toe-curling orgasms, and more on leaving them feeling frustrated, low on weed, and concerned that they may have contracted BV for nothing.”

The disappointingly lifelike look and feel of the dildo, dubbed the Anticlimax, has been especially popular among women who married their high school sweethearts and those whose husbands travel for work.

“I really needed a sex toy to fill in on the days my husband is away on business, but all the toys I tried were way too big and powerful to resemble anything close to sex with Jared,” said Ruby Caster, a Bad Vibrations customer. “The Anticlimax makes it feel like he never left town. There’s even a setting that gets you right to the brink of having an orgasm, and then changes positions without warning. And the ‘head’ setting is just three or four weirdly fast flicks kind of near the clitoris before the battery dies out completely.”

Although females gave the Anticlimax generally favorable reviews, their male counterparts were not as enthralled, citing that the hyperrealistic sex toy left them feeling “replaceable” and “unwanted.”

“I used to be the guy forgetting to clip my dirty nails before fingering my girlfriend, but now she’s got a setting for that,” said Nicholas Wyatt, a disgruntled boyfriend referring to one of 20 settings featured on the Anticlimax. “Last time I checked, it was a man’s job to make his girlfriend not come. The next thing I know she’ll have that dildo forgetting her birthday and picking her up late from work. It’s only a matter of time before I’m edged out.”

The engineers at Bad Vibrations are allegedly also drawing up plans for a “pocket pussy” that just wants to cuddle while watching “The Great British Bake Off.”

Where Are They Now? All the Whiny Ass MAGA Bitches That Used To Clog My Newsfeed

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

It seems like just yesterday those Trump-loving, dumbass crybaby MAGA bitches were clogging up my Facebook feed with racist propaganda, Ronn Swanson memes, and boastful bullshit about an incoming Trump landslide. But right around November 6th or so those wacky son-of-a-guns have completely disappeared. So where are they now?

We tracked down a small sampling of previously very vocal Trump supporters to see what they’ve been up to since the election, which Biden totally won you ugly chimp faced throwback hahahahahahaha, fuck you.

They’ve Been Doing White People Shit.
After four years of owning the libs and screaming “Trump won, get over it” on social media, MAGA turds are now totally unable to handle reality, retreating into their white people safe spaces like the Hobby Lobby or strip mall discount vape shops.

They’ve Been Jerking Off to Thoughts of a Civil War.
MAGA heads love to flick their bean and/or pull their pud while grasping assault rifles and dreaming of shooting an unarmed “ANTIFA.” Of course, like all porn, this is just a fantasy, and no matter how buff Trump looks in those pictures they’re jack and/or jilling themselves off to sooner or later they will have to fave the fact that it’s only a cartoon.

They’ve Been Rooting for the Dallas Cowboys, New York Yankees, and LA Lakers.
Terrible people root for at least one of these teams, but it takes a special kind of asshole to jump on the bandwagon of all three. Unsurprisingly, the shit sandwich Venn Diagram sees a huge amount of overlap between Cowboys/Yankees/Lakers/ fans and those people that lovingly gargle Trump’s wrinkled, greasy balls on the regular.

They’ve Been Avoiding Their Own Families Out Of Embarrassment
Statistically speaking there’s a good chance at least one of your uncles won’t be making it to Thanksgiving this year. After four years of being falsely emboldened and spouting out any ignorant-ass/racist/fox news endorsed horse shit rattling around their alcohol and syphilis addled skulls, they need a little more cool-down time. Eventually, they’ll think enough time has passed and they can show their faces again without getting the business so remember to write your sickest burns down now and have a very merry Christmas.

They’ve Been Getting Triggered By Articles Like This One.
Odds are very good that right now, some Trump-loving bitch is fuming at this article. Or more specifically the headline. They didn’t read the article because reading’s for pussies. But, their outrage proves what we all already know, Trump supporters are incredibly fragile, weak, little snowflakes.

Punk Considers a 9 Credit Score Pretty Great Based on Pitchfork Music Review Scale

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

PHILADELPHIA — Local punk Dominique Martin was pleased to discover today that her total credit score was nine, believing this to be a good score based on the popular music review site Pitchfork despite the rating being out of a possible 850 points, exasperated sources trying to explain financial literacy confirm.

“I really thought that all those times I skipped out on leases, multiple maxed-out credit cards, and two bankruptcies would have hurt my credit, but seeing that both Equifax and Experian gave me a nine really made my day,” said Martin after her brother signed her up for Credit Karma. “Considering the average score on Pitchfork is like a seven, I must have some of the best credit in the country. The Cramps’ ‘Songs the Lord Taught Us’ only has an 8.7, and it’s a classic! I guess all those times I stole cigarettes instead of buying them really helped.”

Martin’s friends can’t even begin to understand what would make her think her credit score is desirable.

“She doesn’t even have a bank account, and I don’t know if prison affects your credit, but it couldn’t help,” said Martin’s on-again, off-again girlfriend Lynne Tucker. “Her parents had to co-sign for a used bicycle, every job she’s had is paid ‘under the table’ in cash, her utilities have been turned off for months, and she bathes in a Circle K bathroom. I bought her a cell phone once using cash, and somehow my own credit score dropped 50 points.”

Experian spokesperson Naomi Warren noted that misunderstandings like this happen all the time.

“Most people don’t really get credit scores,” Warren explained. “Musicians often think credit ratings top out at 10, while many baseball fans consider a 300 to be all-star worthy credit. However, I will say, for the punk rock community, a credit score of nine isn’t all that bad. Most punks hover around a two, with a lot of them in the negatives… which we didn’t even know was possible.”

After hearing her score, Martin reportedly plans to buy on credit a “sick-ass Moped” her buddy Blister is selling.