Wario64 Begins Handcrafting PS5s Himself

Posted on by Lawrence Scotti

SAN FRANCISCO — Amidst the growing need for production of more PlayStation 5’s, popular game deals purveyor Wario64 has taken matters into his own hands by just making his own from scratch to help fans find a copy.

“I knew it would be difficult for all of my followers to snag their own PS5, so I took matters into my own hands,” explained Wario64, who read up on how to build the console online. “The small space of my living room has proven to be a bit of a challenge, though, as the trapped heat in the room melted down some of the early prototypes. Luckily, production is now up and running, and the consoles should be available later today. I will stop at nothing to make sure people get their PS5s.”

According to those familiar with the situation, the PlayStations have not been entirely perfect.

“We couldn’t get 4k to work. Oh, and also, it doesn’t really have that many games on it, except for Spider-Man: Miles Morales, but I can get that on the PS4,” said fan Mark Flynn. “I guess that’s why you should never buy launch consoles, though. Specifically launch consoles built by a guy on Twitter who does not work for Sony. Come to think of it, I’m surprised it even turns on at all.”

Early today, PlayStation CEO Jim Ryan publicly threatened Wario64, saying there will be “hell to pay” and that he will “go to the furthest extent of the law to punish Mr. Wario.” As of press time, however, Wario64 fanned flames further by tweeting about a “discount Phil Spencer” alongside a photo of Jim Ryan.

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Man With Space Invaders Tattoo Can’t Even Name One Character

Posted on by DiMaggio Orozco

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — A man with a tattoo depicting an enemy from the influential shoot ‘em up game Space Invaders was chastised recently for not being able to name any characters from the iconic title. 

“I fucking knew it as soon as walked in here,” said Phillip Pugh, who was inside the Intergalactic Comics store when Tyler Murphy walked in with a prominent tattoo on his arm depicting one of the aliens from the classic Midway shooter. “I knew he’d completely front like he was a huge fan of the series, but he couldn’t name a single character. Not to mention the fact that he was shockingly unfamiliar with the extended series he claims to love soooo much. He’s never even played Super Space Invaders ‘91 on the Taito Legends 2 PS2 compilation! I’m so sick of all these fake ass gamers coming in here.”

When asked if he was able to pass the test that Murphy had so clearly failed, Pugh reminded reporters that his credentials were not the ones being questioned. 

“I don’t have to name a character,” Pugh said, when asked if he was able to. “I am not the poser misrepresenting my level of fandom by etching something into my skin. If you want to be a fan of something, it is your responsibility to know every fucking thing about it, unless of course you like being absolutely schooled and revealed as a fraud, of course.” 

One local tattoo artist insisted that a competency in the subject or property one is getting a tattoo of is of the utmost importance.

“Yeah, whoever gave him that should lose his license, if you ask me,” said Dawn Cutler, who owns and operates a shop in Albuquerque. “That is why every time someone wants a pop culture tattoo, I administer an exhaustive test to make sure they are well studied on it academically and that it’s not just, you know, something they liked as a kid or something. We have a responsibility to our customers.” 

As of press time, Murphy revealed that his tattoo was actually of a Mooninite from the Aqua Teen Hunger Force television series. Pugh was last seen being asked to buy something or to leave Intergalactic Comics.

Photo via Blake Patterson.

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The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

I understand if many of you are heartbroken after the results of last week’s election, after America failed to elect its first Gamer President. Electoral politics aren’t everything though, and if we’re going to get through this, we need to take direct action the only way we know how: making jokes about video games. Look at these brave gamer heroes who are making a difference every day in our comment sections:

5. CDC Warns of Contagious Brain Parasite That Convinces People Buying a Gaming Chair Is a Good Idea

There’s nothing worse than when you’re talking to your psychiatrist and you can see that they’re trying to skip all of your dialogue. Sure, I talk a lot about the trauma related to my dad, but I don’t think it’s ‘padding.’ All after I dropped $200 on a webcam just because he said my video being under 60 FPS was making him sick. 

4. Trump Boasts About Getting Through Professor Layton Games “Without Too Much Help”

Hm…

3. Opinion: Video Games are for Children. If You’re an Adult, You Should Stare at a Wall Until You Fucking Die

Ladies and gays, here’s a simple test to decide if it’s time to settle down with a man: hang up a painting and present it to him. If he is transfixed by it and stares at in quiet contemplation for the rest of his natural life, he’s a keeper. If he tries to jump through it, he’s a gamer, and he’s not going to be able to reimburse you for the damages.

2. Alex Jones Announces ‘InfoWars Tactics’

Final Paranoid Fantasy is the hardest RPG I’ve ever played. I can’t figure out how to get Alex Jones to stop fighting other party members, and he refuses healing items because he’s afraid they’ll feminize him.

1. Gamer Builds PC That Should Be Upgradeable All the Way Through Midlife Crisis

The true secret to writing a Hard Drive headline is to insult yourself in a way that is so universal that other people feel personally insulted by it too. Every author’s page on this site is just a series of confessions disguised as content. So the next time something hits too close to home, just remember it’s our home.

Thank you so much to everyone for your comments this week. If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone!

No Man, Woman nor Beast Can Defeat Me at NCIS: Los Angeles Trivia Night

Posted on by Gregg Gethard

I don’t think any of you know what it’s like to touch the sky. To know what immortality tastes like. To conceptualize the infinite. I do. And that’s because no mortal or immortal being can best me at NCIS: Los Angeles trivia night.

My steel-trap mind is filled with arcane trivia about the lives of the characters of the long-running, much-beloved CBS action series that also airs all day Monday and until 9 pm Sunday on ION-TV (which is and forever will be positively entertaining.) And this is why for the past two years I and I alone have reigned with ultimate supremacy at the NCIS: Los Angeles trivia night held at a nameless supermarket bar located over three hours away from my vast estate filled with gardens and thorn bushes alike.

That’s right. I’ve taken on all comers from all corners of the NCIS: Los Angeles fanverse. #Denzi shippers? Callen fangirls? Lifelong residents of The Boat Shed? I’ve crushed them under the arch of my golden boot. When I walk into that nameless supermarket bar for NCIS: Los Angeles trivia night, my name is only spoken in hushed whispers of awe.

There are legends and then there is me, the only person last week who knew that Agent Sam Hanna’s wife is named Michelle. I didn’t just win a $15 gift card to the “Collections” section on the CBS All-Access website. I cemented my eternal seat on a throne that allows me to see the crushed skeletal bones of all I have triumphed over, of all of the beasts I have tamed.

Being the lynchpin of the global NCIS: Los Angeles supermarket bar trivia community means that I’m on duty 24/7/365, a responsibility none of you worms could possibly handle!. I might be in the bathroom at an Office Depot and someone might tap me on the shoulder and ask me, “Hey, what’s Marty Deeks’s weapon of choice?” And I can smirk and cackle and respond without hesitation by stating “His Royal Deekness prefers the LAPD Beretta 92FS.” Or maybe I’ll be in the bathroom at Home Depot and someone will saddle up to me and ask, “Yo, what’s Nell’s REAL name?” And I’ll cooly and calmly flush the urinal and will say, “Penelope.”

Much like NCIS: Los Angeles Operations Manager Henrietta “Hetty” Lange, I am a natural leader. And leaders need to constantly challenge and better themselves. This is why I will not hesitate. If I see a new member at Planet Fitness I’ll go and introduce myself and ask him, “Hey, what college did Kensi Bly go to for undergrad?” And I’ll answer “Cornell” before he can even say anything, Then I’ll go and rack up a new personal best on the inclined bench press, fuelled by the assertion of my dominance and the knowledge that its pizza day.

I am the vanguard of cable police procedurals worse than Law & Order but better than Blue Bloods! Beware my wrath! Now, who wants to give me a ride home?!

Old Spice Releases Shampoo/Body Wash/Toothpaste Combo

Posted on by Dan Luberto

CINCINNATI — Old Spice announced today a new, all-in-one combination shampoo/conditioner/body wash/toothpaste, in their latest attempt to further their lead in the lower-middle-aged men’s grooming market.

“After years of evolving products to cater to the modern man, Proctor and Gamble believe Old Spice is at the forefront of what their consumers are looking for. But there’s only so much heavy lifting clever commercials can do for a brand, and we aren’t exactly selling Doritos over here,” said CEO David S. Taylor. “Fortunately, COVID-19 has many young men working from home and has rendered them even less willing to spend any time on their appearance, so we took the ‘fuck it’ approach on this one, and it’s paying off big.”

Longtime fans of the brand have taken to the product quite well, singing its praises for a multitude of reasons.

“This stuff is a game changer. I never even owned a toothbrush before this, but now I can just squirt this in my mouth, face, hair, and all over my body every morning, and I’m fresh as hell,” said avid fan Chris Brody. “Yeah, it stings when I get it in my eyes, but the bottle is designed to hold mostly water for when you run out and just need to make what’s left go a little longer, so it gets better over time. Genius!”

The Old Spice market research team worked for several months to improve the lives of more than just the people using it.

“When I’m giving a lost cause client a makeover, this is a lifesaver,” said Jonathan Van Ness, grooming expert for the Netflix show “Queer Eye.” “I just throw this bottle in their shower and call it a day. Really, they could’ve just added the word toothpaste to the bottle without changing the formula, and most men wouldn’t have even noticed.”

Not to be outdone, Axe is developing a vapable fruit-scented body spray to corner the tween market.

You Come Into My Guitar Store and Ask To Try a Les Paul on This, the Day of My Only Shift This Week?

Posted on by John Danek

Well, well, well. So you stroll into this here guitar shop on a Friday and have the audacity to ask to try that Gibson Custom Shop 60th Anniversary Les Paul hanging up on the wall?

We’ve known each other for many years, but this is the first time you come to me for counsel. How long have you been coming into this store? And yet, I can’t remember the last time you invited me to your rehearsal space for a jam session. Even though my girlfriend drew the album art to your only EP.

Let’s be frank: you never wanted my friendship. You were afraid to receive my inevitable condescension. You know, I heard from one of my associates that you recently purchased a Telecaster. Why did you look on Craigslist– why didn’t you come to me first?

You don’t ask for respect, you don’t offer friendship. You don’t even think to call me a virtuoso. Instead, you come into my store on the one day this week I had to wake up before noon and ask to play that expensive, exquisite Les Paul.

This, I cannot do. That is not justice.

Alas, it’s a tradition that no guitar store employee can refuse a customer’s request during their first shift of the week. So how about this- I’ll get a primo Epiphone Les Paul down from the rack, you take it to the back, and ask my amp department partner Clemenza for a cable. He’ll plug you into a real nice Fender Hot Rod Deluxe and everything will be alright.

Do you spend time above the 12th fret? Good. A guitarist who doesn’t spend time above the 12th fret is not a real guitarist. Someday (and that day may never come), I may call upon you to mix some tracks for me. But until that day, accept this Epiphone to try out. May your first Les Paul be a very lightweight Les Paul.

Wait, what do you mean you’re “not trying to actually buy one today?” How’s about I make you an offer you can’t refuse?

Punk Relaxes by Cracking Open a Nice, Cold Canister of Nitrous Oxide

Posted on by E.M. Caris

SAN FRANCISCO — Local punk Rachel “Puke Pig” Valentino left an adult bookstore yesterday ready to enjoy a nice, cold canister of nitrous oxide following a long week of work.

“I had a rough day — hell, a rough week, of working at Halloween Express. It’s not easy working in an abandoned Circuit City, and I have a little bit of extra scratch after my manager gave me a bonus for cleaning up after a sick kid,” said Valentino, while cracking open a canister and emptying it into a red balloon. “It’s a tough job, and someone has to do it, but that means I deserve a nice, small cold one or two or six after I punch that clock.”

“Normally I just buy cans of whipped cream from the grocery store, but I thought I’d treat myself to the fancy stuff,” she added, sucking the entire balloon down as her voice dropped two octaves. “What would life be if we didn’t treat ourselves every once in a while after a hard day’s worrrrrr…?”

Witnesses confirmed Valentino’s presence at a local adult bookstore, where she purchased the box of chargers.

“We get quite a lot of punks coming in after work. They work hard jobs: you see them coming in the morning after overnight shifts at Denny’s or doing Twitter stuff for their jobs and whatnot,” said Bedroom Surprises Video & Gift afternoon clerk Ronnie Cho. “They’re salt of the earth. Ol’ Rach usually comes in to treat herself on Fridays. Not every one, but when she’s in, you know she’s been working. She’s a good woman: an Eyehategod-fearing woman.”

Self-help expert Clarissa Jardine praised Valentino for rewarding herself.

“Mindfulness is so important, and you’re never more clear of mind than when your head is making the ‘wer-wer’ sound and your body is all tingly and you can’t stop giggling,” said Jardine. “Self-care isn’t always just about wine and bubble baths: it has to be tailored to the personality. Rachel is really living her truth. And besides, she definitely doesn’t have health insurance, so talking to a therapist is out. Whip-its are much cheaper than Xanax, and serve the same purpose… albeit for only about 20 seconds at a time.”

Valentino was last seen staring into an open refrigerator for upward of 20 minutes.

LEGO Customer Service Rep Knows This Call Not About “Son’s” Toy

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

ANAHEIM, Calif. — LEGO customer service representative Janice Kirkland was well aware that caller and middle-aged man Mike Doherty was not asking for help with his “son’s” broken toy during a recent phone call, despite Doherty’s insistence to the contrary.

“My LEGO Mario figure was defective so I called for help. Don’t get me wrong, they were really helpful and accommodating, but I swear it felt like they were throwing air quotes up when they said ‘let’s get your son’s toy fixed.’ Don’t ask how, I could just tell,” said Doherty. “Let’s not mince words, I’m a 37-year-old man that purchased, assembled, and played with a LEGO set intended for ages 6 and up. Can’t you just let me have some of my dignity, please?”

LEGO rep Janice Kirkland later explained that calls like the one with Doherty were very common occurrences.

“This happens all the time. Back when I was first hired as a rep, I unwittingly made the mistake of asking a customer what their child’s name was. The guy panicked, started crying and then hung up,” said Kirkland. “We had to have a whole meeting about how to handle this stuff moving forward. Because the fact is, shaming the adult men that make up our customer base is a surefire way to send someone running into the Playmobil aisle.”

Girlfriend Melissa Pepe elaborated on Doherty’s “charade.”

“We usually spend 20 minutes in the Target parking lot where he coaches me on how to convincingly say, ‘Do you think Julien, who is our son, would enjoy this LEGO Minecraft Zombie Cave?’” said Pepe. “Early on in our relationship I sort of teased him in front of the cashier about his ‘little blocks’ and he wigged out, saying ‘Very funny, lady who I just met, but I don’t even know you’ before running out to the car and hiding under a bunch of coats in the backseat.”

At press time, Doherty was considering pretending to be a child on future calls with LEGO, using methods including voice modulators and disguises such as a little pinwheel cap.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Amidst DMCA Controversy, Professional Mime Becomes Top Twitch Streamer

Posted on by Christoph von Munchow

PARIS — Amidst thousands of DMCA takedown strikes against content creators on Twitch this month, a new streamer has risen up and become the most-followed channel on the live streaming website — professional mime named MonsieurBonbon.

“What happened to the content creators on our platform last month is truly awful, and could have been prevented,” published Twitch in an official blog post earlier today. “That said, we are extremely excited about the rise of MonsieurBonbon, whose content coincidently does not infringe upon DMCA copyright law. Without the DMCA problem, the world would very likely never know about Mr. B, and everyone here at Twitch agrees that it was probably all worth it just for him.”

Twitch CEO and founder Emmett Shear confirmed that more proactive measures should have been taken to avoid the series of unprecedented takedown notices and strikes.

“We should have developed sophisticated, user-friendly tools for our streamers and worked alongside our content creators to help them properly defend against these takedown strikes, but we didn’t,” Shear admitted. “However, it’s still nice to see creators like Mr. Bonbon thriving amidst such an avoidable disaster. Seriously. Have you seen his invisible box act? There’s no threat of copyright violation anywhere, it’s awesome.”

Long-time Twitch streamer HungryGregLive commented on how the platform took down over half of his 200 clips and VOD after a DMCA notice, without even offering a second notice. 

“It’s devastating. Those clips were the highest viewed content on my channel too. I didn’t even have the option to remove the copyrighted audio.” HungryGreg revealed. “Luckily, MonsieurBonbon’s streams are getting me through this. When he pies himself in the face, I lose my shit. I almost forget that I’ve been financially deplatformed without a chance to defend myself.”

When asked to comment on his newfound success in the middle of a preventable controversy, Monsieur Bonbon signed “poggers” in ACL.

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We Rank the Top 5 Pixies Songs About Masturbation, We Think, We Don’t Know What These Lyrics Mean

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

Indie rock giants The Pixies have many classic songs about, well, we’re not sure. But what are their greatest anthems to Onanism? Those jams dedicated to self-love off one of their four classic albums? Hell if we know, their lyrics are cool and shit but we have no clue what they’re really about.

Here is our definitive ranking of Pixies songs that are about, like, jerking off, right?

5. Monkey Gone to Heaven
I mean, “monkey” is in the title, and Heaven must mean “orgasm,” right? However, it may actually be a meditation on humanity’s place within our invented metaphysical nature. The titular monkey finding themselves in heaven becomes the bridge between our animal and spiritual selves. But it could also be about jacking off, too.

4. Cactus
Okay, this has to be about pleasuring yourself, he’s talking to a woman about what he misses about her, there’s some messy imagery. I mean, the cactus has to be a phallus. It straight up must be about sexual fantasies, although maybe it’s just about how we desire platonic intimacy more than we realize.

3. Mr. Grieves
Sure Frank Black has never overtly confirmed this, but if you put the lyrics under the microscope this one only makes sense as an extremely esoteric ode to masturbation. “Pray for the man in the middle” is clearly a reference to a person’s funny-parts. With the line “You can hang from a good good rope” Black warns us against the dangers of autoerotic asphyxiation. This message is punctuated by the haunting TV On The Radio acapella version.

2. The Holiday Song
“Here I am with my hand,” is pretty clear cut. That’s totally about masturbation. No question about it. Done. But, giving it a second thought, even though it’s unquestionably about touching yourself isn’t it really speaking to lost innocence in the eyes of our elders recognizing that there is no escape from the Fall of Man, proverbially speaking.

1. Where is My Mind?
The song we all know from that scene in Fight Club when the banks are exploding, that one must be about masturbation. Sea imagery, collapsing when empty, something about heads. Totally. Or is this just more absurd, yet genius, nonsense from the mind of Frank Black?

Try this trick and spin it, indeed.