I don’t think any of you know what it’s like to touch the sky. To know what immortality tastes like. To conceptualize the infinite. I do. And that’s because no mortal or immortal being can best me at NCIS: Los Angeles trivia night.
My steel-trap mind is filled with arcane trivia about the lives of the characters of the long-running, much-beloved CBS action series that also airs all day Monday and until 9 pm Sunday on ION-TV (which is and forever will be positively entertaining.) And this is why for the past two years I and I alone have reigned with ultimate supremacy at the NCIS: Los Angeles trivia night held at a nameless supermarket bar located over three hours away from my vast estate filled with gardens and thorn bushes alike.
That’s right. I’ve taken on all comers from all corners of the NCIS: Los Angeles fanverse. #Denzi shippers? Callen fangirls? Lifelong residents of The Boat Shed? I’ve crushed them under the arch of my golden boot. When I walk into that nameless supermarket bar for NCIS: Los Angeles trivia night, my name is only spoken in hushed whispers of awe.
There are legends and then there is me, the only person last week who knew that Agent Sam Hanna’s wife is named Michelle. I didn’t just win a $15 gift card to the “Collections” section on the CBS All-Access website. I cemented my eternal seat on a throne that allows me to see the crushed skeletal bones of all I have triumphed over, of all of the beasts I have tamed.
Being the lynchpin of the global NCIS: Los Angeles supermarket bar trivia community means that I’m on duty 24/7/365, a responsibility none of you worms could possibly handle!. I might be in the bathroom at an Office Depot and someone might tap me on the shoulder and ask me, “Hey, what’s Marty Deeks’s weapon of choice?” And I can smirk and cackle and respond without hesitation by stating “His Royal Deekness prefers the LAPD Beretta 92FS.” Or maybe I’ll be in the bathroom at Home Depot and someone will saddle up to me and ask, “Yo, what’s Nell’s REAL name?” And I’ll cooly and calmly flush the urinal and will say, “Penelope.”
Much like NCIS: Los Angeles Operations Manager Henrietta “Hetty” Lange, I am a natural leader. And leaders need to constantly challenge and better themselves. This is why I will not hesitate. If I see a new member at Planet Fitness I’ll go and introduce myself and ask him, “Hey, what college did Kensi Bly go to for undergrad?” And I’ll answer “Cornell” before he can even say anything, Then I’ll go and rack up a new personal best on the inclined bench press, fuelled by the assertion of my dominance and the knowledge that its pizza day.
I am the vanguard of cable police procedurals worse than Law & Order but better than Blue Bloods! Beware my wrath! Now, who wants to give me a ride home?!