Nervous Bruce Springsteen Pictures Everyone with Their Clothes Muddied by an Honest Day’s Work

Posted on by Zach Raffio

LONG BRANCH, N.J. — Rock legend Bruce Springsteen shared his special tip for overcoming stage fright this week, revealing that whenever he feels nervous, he simply pictures everyone in his sightline with their clothes muddied by a stern, honest day’s work.

“It’s just a little mental trick to help even the playing field,” noted Springsteen while meditating to audio captured from an active Jersey steel mill. “Whenever I start to feel judged, I just picture everyone with calloused hands, dirty shins, and a face discolored by dust mixing with sweat dripping down their brow. Sometimes, if I’m really anxious, I’ll picture them proudly posing for a photo with their firstborn child in front of a rural raised ranch that’s been in their family for generations… but that’s only for emergencies.”

Die-hard Springsteen fans have grown accustomed to his routine, willing to overlook the very specific predicament he’s mentally placed them in for decades.

“I’ve seen Bruce over 40 times, and during every show, I can just feel him eye-dressing me,” said Timothy Duttwell, a local accountant who often considers buying cheaper, farther away seats just to avoid the forced cosplay. “Anytime I’ve seen Bruce in the past it’s usually a date night with my wife, so I try to wear something nice… but to Bruce, I’m wearing tattered work boots, a dented hard hat with stories aplenty, the pride of knowing I got my hands dirty, and I’ve probably got a 1958 Chevy in my garage that my old man, who worked his entire life at a steel mill, passed down to me that I work on every weekend for fun.”

“The Boss” noted he owes this coping mechanism to esteemed psychiatrist Dr. Elisabeth T. Lockwell, who has helped countless performers overcome stage fright in very personal, often highly disturbing ways.

“The muddy clothes trick is used by a lot of artists — Mellencamp, Seger, even Sufjan Stevens depending on the album — but Bruce is the best at it,” noted Lockwell while on break from weaning Paul Simon off of his “imagine everyone is whistling” dependence. “It took us a long time to get here. At first, he could barely picture an audience member with their hair unwashed. Now, he often makes me think I’ve just spent eight hours in a North Brunswick Township lace factory.”

In related news, REM singer Michael Stipe admitted he is still trying to perfect his own technique, which is to picture his audience members on a cross-country roadtrip to meet their long-lost brother.

Class Traitor Alert: This Guy Just Got Promoted To Assistant Manager Instead of Me

Posted on by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

Well, well, well. Guess who finally turned their back on the working class? We all thought we could trust Sam but it turns out she’s just another greedy capitalist pig, climbing the corporate ladder and stepping on the little guy every chance she gets.

The little guy is me, by the way. I would’ve sold out way better for that assistant manager job. Fucking bourgeoisie.

I thought I had a true comrade. For months we fought side by side in the trenches of this Auntie Anne’s Pretzels cash register. We fought corporate tyranny from the inside, one delicious salty twisted bread snack at a time. But it was all a ruse! Now I see her true colors and it makes me fucking sick. Or maybe that’s all the uncooked pretzel dough I’ve been eating in an effort to subvert the system.

How could she stab me in the back by applying for the same promotion as me?! And have the nerve to be more qualified with better leadership skills, too. I would’ve understood if they promoted someone of color since I’d look bad criticizing them. And honestly, not trying to be a hero here, but if I had gotten that promotion I would have opted to give the job to them. They truly deserve it. I don’t even want a raise, anyway. If I had money someone might make me put it where my mouth is.

Sam was supposed to be one of us: a true working-class icon who will always need roommates.

Capitalism really does turn us all against each other. Now that Sam’s my boss, I know she’s gonna start exploiting my labor and not letting me take an extra half-hour on all my lunches like I would have let me do if I were in charge.

They say absolute power corrupts absolutely. Well now she has a mall parking space and access to unlimited uncooked pretzel dough so, while she may not be Stalin, she’s at least Gaddafi.

Lynyrd Skynyrd Tribute Band Members Killed in Tragic Flight Simulator Accident

Posted on by Jonah Nink

CLEVELAND — Four members of Cleveland-based Lynyrd Skynyrd tribute band That Smell were killed earlier this morning in a tragic accident caused by a loss of power in their flight simulator.

“It was an absolutely terrifying, if still very on-brand, experience that I’ll never recover from,” said bassist Mickey Johnson, the sole survivor now in serious but stable condition. “We were playing a show at a pilot training school when one of the instructors suggested we get the band inside one the modules to check it out… but within minutes, we realized the flight in our simulation didn’t have enough fuel. We tried to make an emergency landing in a field, but it all seemed so real that a couple of the guys passed out. Everyone laughed at the irony at first… but when my bandmates weren’t waking up, they got rushed to the hospital and were later pronounced dead.”

An investigation found that the sound of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s music triggered one of the flight simulator’s “famous rock n’ roll plane crash” training scenarios, which then malfunctioned.

“I knew these guys were committed to creating an authentic Lynyrd Skynyrd experience, but I didn’t think they’d go that far,” said Kyle Smith, one of the flight trainees at the show. “The fan in me was happy to get the full Skynyrd experience, but it was overshadowed by the trauma of seeing those corpses going into the back of an ambulance. The worst part is that this all happened during an intermission and they never got to play ‘Free Bird.’ But maybe it’s for the best — their cover of ‘Simple Man’ was barely passable, so I guess this was the universe saying, ‘enough.’”

While many in the tribute band community are mourning those lost in the accident, some criticized the band for not doing greater justice to the Lynyrd Skynyrd legacy.

“Where some see a tragedy, I see a boring pastiche: another tribute band half-asses the history once again,” said classic rock critic and music historian Ron Donatello. “They play the music incorrectly, use the wrong equipment and, in this case, lose the wrong amount of people in a plane accident that didn’t even involve a real plane. It’s like, why even bother at that point?”

Following the accident, a Cleveland-based Stevie Ray Vaughan tribute act canceled their upcoming show at a helicopter dealership.

Edgar Allan Poe-Themed Fighting Game Locks Fortunato Behind Paywall

Posted on by Hunter R. Thompson

BALTIMORE — An upcoming brawler featuring Edgar Allan Poe characters will launch with the iconic “Cask of Amontillado” wine taster Fortunato gated behind a paywall, sources within the development team confirmed.

“Edgar Allan Pwn’d! is a feature-rich literary fighting experience featuring many beloved playable Poe-verse characters,” lead designer Virgil Clemm announced in a press release. “However, Fortunato’s charisma and wine-sampling skillset makes him a high-demand character best left behind a price wall at this point.”

Many gamers, literature undergrads, and middle-school English teachers hyped for the game’s release have expressed disappointment at such an iconic character being locked away.

“‘Nevermore’ are we going to tolerate price-gouging dev teams like this,” said Elmer Royster, an avid internet commenter and the self-described “foremost member” of the Johns Hopkins student book club. “They’ve already revealed the cat from ‘The Black Cat’, the dead mariner from ‘Found In A Bottle’, and the raven from the thing he wrote with the raven, but they finally stop the buck at the only Poe character anyone’s ever heard of? We’re the real drunken fools. You know these greedy indie devs would lock us in their wine cellars if they could get away with it.”

Despite initial criticism, Edgar Allan Pwn’d!’s development team remains confident that this will be the first in a long line of Poe-themed games and interactive fiction.

“There’s so much untapped Poe-tential here,” lead designer Clemm added in a recent dev update video. “We could make an entire extended universe out of just the stories where a guy murders someone and hides their body and slowly goes insane. Can you imagine a survival-horror/home-designer game where you—wait, what if we tapped Paradox Interactive for a Red Death DLC for Plague Inc.? Or a pit-versus-pendulum asymmetric multiplayer game? I need to write this down.”

In an effort to calm public outrage, the developers released a season pass roadmap that includes the Baron of Metzengerstein, the beloved mascot Poe of the Baltimore Ravens, and Edgar Allan Poe himself, as portrayed in motion capture by John Cusack.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Size Queen Purchases PS5

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Local size queen Sasha Carter reportedly purchased a PlayStation 5, the only console large enough to satisfy her need for an enormous and powerful gaming device.

“I like it big,” Carter said, according to those familiar with the situation. “I know a lot of people who don’t care about the size of the console. They care about the price, or the multiplayer, or the launch titles, or what their friends are into… but not me. I just like ‘em big.”

Responding to criticism from various size queens online, head of Xbox Phil Spencer defended the Xbox Series X.

“OK so here’s the thing… shut up,” Phil Spencer said in a series of Instagram stories, clearly holding back tears. “It’s not the size of the frame mass, it’s the versatility of the Game Pass. OK? Lotta people are self conscious about their console size, so maybe you shouldn’t shame them for it — and the Xbox Series X isn’t even small! It’s not a contest! Oh god this is the lowest I’ve felt since that kid DMed me asking how to get Persona 5 on his Xbox One.”

As of press time, those close to Carter reported that she said the new PlayStation 5 controller “feels so good in [her] hands.”

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Realistic Man Ready to Meet That Special Someone to Spend Rest of Year With

Posted on by Literally A Koala

DENVER — Local man Cory McCann is ready to settle down and meet “the one” person he’ll spend the rest of the year with, or at least until just before next Valentine’s Day, sources report.

“I invested almost several hours into my last relationship: I put her name in my phone, I introduced her to my roommates, and we even tried both sex positions. So I was devastated when I got her breakup message on Instagram,” said McCann. “It took me years to get over her, but now I’m finally ready to get back out there. And this time I want the real thing — something long-term. Two, maybe three months.”

Sources close to McCann say his quest for love is motivated by witnessing one of the nine people with whom he shares his four-bedroom apartment find a soulmate of her own.

“I’ve been dating my boyfriend for six months now,” said roommate Alison Miller. “I’ve never even kept a job for that long, much less a boyfriend. We haven’t met in person yet, but we text each other nearly every week. Look, dating isn’t easy, especially during a pandemic: you have to put on pants, leave your apartment… and I’m sure there’s other stuff after that. It doesn’t just get handed to you — you have to put in the work.”

Dr. Thomas Blanding, Professor of Modern Behavioral Studies at Cornell University, claimed young adults today are still actively pursuing serious relationships as long as they don’t have to reveal anything about their age, job, family, intentions, feelings or morals.

“Everyone has just sort of given up. Most people can’t hold a relationship long enough to delete the app that led them to each other,” noted Blanding. “These days, most relationships fizzle out after one person silently loses interest and stops returning the other person’s texts. If humanity is lucky, at least a handful of people will still be willing to meet up in person in order to procreate… which will be hard without some sort of filter or heart bubble emojis to signify mild interest.”

McCann added that he hopes to find someone he can be “100% open and honest with, unless it’s a situation where lying is more convenient.”

Yakko Refuses to Acknowledge Israel in Updated Song About Countries

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

HOLLYWOOD — “Animaniacs” star Yakko Warner has refused to acknowledge the existence of Israel in an updated version of the “Yakko’s World” song recorded for the hit show’s reboot, zany to the max sources confirmed.

“It’s time to admit that the United Nations had no right to declare a country in the middle of an already existing one,” Yakko said before morphing his head into a train whistle and ogling a passing woman. “Did you know that our government gives billions in aid to Israel each year?”

“They should be giving that to me. Hi-yo!” Yakko added, winking at an invisible camera.

Several sources believe that, while Yakko has always been anti-Israel, being locked away in the Warner Brothers lot tower for another 25 years has further warped his views.

“Unfortunately, this is standard for Yakko. I mean, why do you think Ralph T. Guard — whose real surname is Guardenbaum — used to chase him with that net all the time?” explained Marita from the Hip Hippos. “It’s also why Rita and Runt left after the first season — they’re Zionists. Also, isn’t Yakko Jewish? I can’t imagine anyone who acts that much like Groucho Marx is a gentile.”

Stressed-out Warner CEO Thaddeus Plotz addressed the issue.

“We here at Warner have no political bias whatsoever. Despite Dot Warner’s defense of her good friend and ‘Daddy’s Home 2’ costar Mel Gibson, I assure you, they are not anti-semitic,” said Plotz.

“I also want to address the ugly rumors that the Warners are locked in the water tower to hide their bigotry: the truth is, Wakko Warner needed to lay low following several sexual misconduct accusatio… er, I mean, uhhh… look over there!” Plotz later added, pointing away before running through an adjacent wall and leaving a hole in the shape of his body.

Since the revelations, Hulu has also pulled Yakko’s latest song, in which he “proves” that the reported number of Holocaust deaths are greatly exagerrated.

Craigslist Transaction Already Off the Rails at First Email Exchange

Posted on by John Danek

DAYTON, Ohio — Local guitarist Max Gordon’s revealed today that her attempt to sell her old guitar amplifier has already brought discomfort, fear, and chaos upon receiving a potential buyer’s disturbing first email.

“The message has a strangely threatening aura, and almost every word over three letters long is misspelled,” said Gordon, lead guitarist of Alcoholy Water. “Also, this buyer only speaks in plural, which is super weird. Part of it read, and I quote, ‘We’re interrsted in the amplyfer. Hear is our pager nmuber.’ Who is ‘we?’ Are people really sharing pagers out there? I don’t even know how to call a pager.”

“But, I really need the cash to make rent, so I gotta find a way to make this sale happen,” added a dejected Gordon. “I usually arrange to meet in a Starbucks parking lot, but these buyers said they’d pay an extra $30 if I came to them. Fuck Mitch McConnell for blocking another stimulus relief package.”

Gordon’s roommate and bandmate Silvia Drozdov accompanied Gordon on multiple sketchy sales in the past, but drew the line here.

“Usually people from Craigslist hide their weirdness until it comes time for the actual transaction, but I’m already creeped out with these emails. Max is on her own,” said Drozdov. “Once Max replied with her phone number, she had multiple Facebook friend requests from people with H.R. Giger art as their profile pictures. I’m not getting a kidney stolen so she can sell that awful-sounding Peavey.”

Experts advise exercising caution and trusting your instincts when selling items via Craigslist.

“Everyone’s mother has emailed them some horror story about a Craigslist murder, but it happens just frequently enough to not be an urban legend,” said Brock Williams, owner of a nearby self-defense gym. “Want to sell that old P-Bass on Craigslist? You should also know how to rip out someone’s jugular with just two fingers. It’s just common sense.”

Sources indicate that minutes before leaving to complete the transaction, Gordon called her parents to tell them she loves them for the first time in her life.

Being Horny for Gavin Newsom Doesn’t Make Me Less of an Anarchist

Posted on by Kaitlyn Jeffers

I am a devout, lifelong anarchist. I was marching for squatters rights when you were getting cut from your fucking little league team. I was camping out with Occupy Wall Street when you were throwing a tantrum at your mom for buying you the wrong Chanel purse for Christmas. So don’t fucking tell me I’m not allowed to get wildly aroused every time I put on the California Governor’s Daily Press Briefing.

It’s hard not to get turned on by the guy trying to save everyone’s life, telling people to wear a mask because it protects their neighbors. He races up to the podium, flustered and grinning, telling everyone the latest numbers of hospitalizations and deaths. And you can’t help but look into those tired eyes and think, “this guy is definitely receptive to butt stuff. Giving and receiving,” and that is progressive.

Sure he’s a ride-or-die Democrat, but Gavin Newsom is hot and that’s got nothing to do with politics. If I saw this dude in the supermarket my tongue would roll out of my mouth and I’d be shouting “awoooga! Hubba hubba!!” like a goddamn horned up cartoon wolf. I didn’t spend my teens distributing zines about Decolonization to get blow back for saying that a 6’3” silver fox from the Bay Area is hot.

Yeah that’s right, 6’3”.

I gave 20 years of my life protesting the system, marching in the streets and being an agent of change, so don’t weaponize the fascistic techniques of our oppressors against me. I will not be shamed for wanting to bang Gavin Newsom until my vagina falls off. If you don’t like it then congrats, you’re part of the problem.

Throughout this election I kept seeing my anti-fascist, anarchist and socialist friends posting about how Kamala is a cop, Biden sucks, Mayor Pete is lame, that they’re not voting anyway, etc. And I agree with all that. Bernie was a compromise candidate for me as well. I fucking hate Donald Trump, and I hate American Imperialism. I knew what ACAB was before July. I would also do things to Gavin Newsom that he would think about every day for the rest of his life and I’m not sorry. Deal with it.

Much like there is no ethical consumption under capitalism, there’s no man on earth that a straight woman can be acceptably attracted to. Newsom is my compromise candidate when it comes to that dick.

Aging Rocker Now Only Destroys Hotel Bathroom

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

DETROIT — Aging rocker Perry Dunn, frontman for the seminal hair metal band Töpsy Türvy, left his rented room at the luxurious Shinola Hotel pristine apart from the bathroom, which was destroyed on several occasions amid his 18-hour stay, hotel cleaning staff reports.

“I’ve been sober for 15 years, and parties just don’t interest me anymore,” Dunn said through a locked bathroom door. “Unfortunately, decades of booze and drug abuse has left me with a severe case of irritable bowel syndrome, and I don’t pity the maid who has to clean this up. If I eat anything apart from boiled chicken and rice, I just ruin any bathroom I’m near… and I better be near one so I can make it to the toilet in time. My veterinarian has my dog on the same diet and it seems to be working for her, so we’ll just stick to what we know and not rock any boats.”

Hotel manager Ernest Weaver was reluctant to even let Dunn stay at the hotel.

“We heard about Mr. Dunn’s, shall we say, eccentric lifestyle, and what he and his band did to the Drake Hotel in Chicago in 1986. We charged him a rather sizable security deposit before allowing him to check in,” Weaver said, outside Dunn’s room which has since been cordoned off. “At first we were pleasantly surprised — it looked as though he’d barely even stayed in the room; he even remade the bed after sleeping in it. But then we came to the lavatory. To put it mildly, I didn’t realize human beings were capable of producing such colors. We’re looking at major repairs to the entire ventilation system of this building, and the one next door.”

Rock historian and gastroenterologist Dr. Blanca “Barracuda” Wagner, MD noted this trend is common amongst aging rock stars.

“While they may no longer be with a different groupie every night or lighting mattresses on fire, hosting a rock legend in your hotel can bring a whole different set of issues,” Wagner explained. “I’d recommend putting a tarp down around any toilets, sinks, and mini fridges. And instead of brown M&M’s and whiskey, a bowl of Immodium and Pepto Bismol would be a better choice. They’re still going to inflict some major damage.”

Dunn has allegedly postponed his next tour so he can be closer to his own toilet.