PlayStation 5 Owner Trying to Find Most Subtle Way to Get Old Roommate’s Netflix Password Again

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

NEW YORK — After getting a brand new PlayStation 5, Rick Warren reconnected with his old roommate in a subtle attempt to get her Netflix password again.

“Have you been watching The Queen’s Gambit? I’ve heard really great things,” Warren said in a Facebook message to former roommate Mischa Valdez. “I haven’t actually gotten a chance to watch it yet. My Netflix account isn’t working on my new PlayStation for some reason. Super weird. Maybe I can borrow a password from someone just to watch it. Would love to talk to you about it if I do!”

Warren had been using Valdez’s Netflix login info for four years without ever getting kicked out. In the move to a new generation, he quickly realized that he had suddenly lost access to Hulu, Amazon Video, and Disney+, none of which he had his own subscription for.

“I hadn’t talked to Rick in two years and he popped out of nowhere with some really weird questions,” Valdez said. “He kept talking about all the shows we binged when we lived together and then casually asking what my childhood pet’s name was and the name of the street I grew up on. I’m not really sure why he wanted to know that.”

In an act of desperation, Warren also called his ex-boyfriend up in an attempt to slyly retrieve his WWE Network password. Warren said he had not watched wrestling since their break-up a year ago and did not intend to start, but that it was the principle of having all his old logins he accumulated from friends and family in one place.

“He hit me up asking if I wanted to hang out, which caught me off guard,” said Warren’s ex Cornell Baker. “He implied that we should get together like old times, watch the Survivor Series PPV together, and see where the night takes us. I know he’s just trying to get my password, but all he has to do is ask. I literally give it to everyone.”

After finally acquiring logins for various accounts, Warren spent an entire night scrolling through every app’s library for hours, before finally giving up on watching anything and playing Spider-Man: Miles Morales instead.

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Abandoned Pot of Chili Drunk Friend Threw Up in Rebranded as Composting Toilet

Posted on by Krissy Howard

SOCORRO, N.M. — A long-forgotten 10-quart pot filled with vegan chili was officially rebranded into a fully-functional composting toilet following the consumption of a box of Franzia on an empty stomach, sources report.

“I guess I had a long day, or few days, or just… this year is so fucked. So I attempted to unwind a little bit after I finished my last work call,” said local woman Kelsey Zamora. “Then, 31 glasses of sunset blush and half a Domino’s pizza later, I just got crazy sick out of nowhere. I must need more sleep or something. Luckily, that huge pot of chili that’s been on the stove for like, three weeks was still sitting there, which ended up being a real lifesaver for both me and my hoodie.”

Since vomiting into the abandoned pot of chili made and left by Zamora’s roommate, Lisa Scott, the household has dubbed themselves practitioners in the sustainability movement.

“We take sustainability pretty seriously around here, as evidenced by all the toilet paper rolls all over the bathroom floor, and the spider plant by the garage door, so it’s only natural that we’d transition into having a receptacle that turns shit into garden soil or whatever,” Scott explained. “Honestly, I was planning on throwing it out once I figure out when garbage night is, or just burning it and burying the remains in the woods behind the house anyway. So this saves that trouble, and plus, it’s good for the environment.”

While some are open to the new changes to the home, others are less than enthusiastic about sharing a kitchen with a pile of vomit.

“Before it just looked and smelled like human waste, and thanks to Kels, it actually is human waste now… except now it’s also kind of pink and highly flammable,” said frustrated roommate, Dion Lovrien, of the puke-filled pot. “I’m not sure why everyone keeps calling the dishes that have been sitting on the stove for the last month a ‘green appliance,’ but all I know is that chore charts are definitely bullshit in this house, and I’m probably not going to get my security deposit back.”

Sources indicate that the newly rebranded composting toilet now cannot be found under copious amounts of empty beer cans and empty Silk containers.

7 Movies I Think Could Never Be Made Today Because I’m a Fucking Dumbshit

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

It’s no revelation to say that most of the great comedies of yesteryear couldn’t be made today. The cultural climate is far too over-sensitive now.

Sure, a lot of the movies below were considered offensive when they were released, and people being morally outraged by film is as old as the medium itself; plus there’s plenty of offensive and edgy comedies still being made today, but I’m a dumbshit and I know fuckall about what I’m talking about.

Borat (2006): Nearly 16 years ago, Sacha Baron Cohen dropped a pipe bomb in the laps of the Hollywood elite with “Borat” – a hilarious and profane road trip comedy. But even though it was a huge hit, a sequel never materialized. The powers that be will never allow another Borat movie to happen again.

Blazing Saddles (1974): Starring Gene Wilder and directed by the brilliant Merv Brooks, I have never seen this movie as I have a strict “nothing before whenever ‘Scarface’ came out” rule. But I bet the liberal, crybaby SJW’s would never let something like “Blazing Saddles” be made again – whatever this movie is about.

Also, fuck it. Let’s throw Scarface (1983) on this list.

Soul Man (1986): Star C. Thomas Howell’s valiant attempt at becoming his generation’s Al Jolson, “The Outsiders” actor plays a white man who wears blackface in order to score a scholarship. While hilarious, the film also tackles the very serious issue that white men, like myself, are by far the most persecuted and least privileged group in American society.

Loqueesha (2019): A white, male radio host pretends to be a black woman and hilarity ensues. I’m not sure, but I think this movie won a bunch of Oscars. Sure, they could get away with a premise like this in 2019, but that was a long time ago. No way the snowflakes would let this happen now.

White Chicks (2004): Believe it or not, I’m actually glad that they could never make this movie now. Unlike all the other movies here that are great because they totally own the libs, this one is not OK. I mean, the Wayans pretending to be white? That’s really offensive! I got fired from my job for showing up to Halloween in Black face, the Wayan’s should be fired from Hollywood for white face. Plus, I’m only comfortable with racial humor when other races are the butts of the jokes.

Song of the South (1946): You can’t even BUY this movie anymore. Luckily for me, my Opa and Oma told me all about it before lecturing me about the importance of keeping the white race pure. As far as I could tell, it was a simple and beautiful story with some fun animation sequences to boot. So what if it presents an idyllic, innacurate version of American slavery. Why does everyone need to be so sensitive?

Grown Adult’s Entire Medicine Cabinet in Gummy Form

Posted on by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

SEATTLE — Local woman Rachel Mendoza discovered yesterday that the entire medicine cabinet of adult human and potential partner Ben Ridley contained strictly gummy medications, prompting a serious investigation into whether or not Ridley is still an actual child.

“I stayed over at his place for the first time last night, and things went pretty okay,” said Mendoza on her way home. “But while I was brushing my teeth, I peeked inside his medicine cabinet… and it was all gummy vitamins, gummy heart pills, CBD gummies, and I’m pretty sure there was a random pack of Skittles in there, too. Who the hell is his doctor, Willy Wonka? I’ve never seen so many dancing oranges and grapes wearing cowboy hats in my life.”

Indeed, several of Ridley’s friends verified they have never seen him ingest a pill that wasn’t chewable, fruit punch flavored, or shaped like a cartoon character.

“Ben’s always been weird about that stuff. I tried to give him some Tylenol for a hangover once, and he just covered his mouth with his hands and started shaking his head like a five-year-old,” longtime friend Dennis Schultz recalled. “I swear, the guy’s gonna get diabetes from all the candy medicine he takes. Hopefully they start making Flintstones kidney gummies by then.”

For his part, Ridley insisted his vitamin choices have no correlation to his actual maturity, and that he should still be considered an adult despite the contents of his medicine cabinet.

“I really don’t see what the big deal is. I mean, if you’ve gotta take medicine, why can’t it taste good and be shaped like cool bugs?” said Ridley, while applying a Transformers Band-Aid to a knee he scraped after falling off his bicycle. “Just because I enjoy some melatonin Gushers before bed does not make me any less of a man. Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a ‘Rugrats’ marathon on NickRewind I must attend to.”

Mendoza tentatively committed to giving Ridley another chance, but changed her mind upon discovering a bottle of bubblegum-scented shampoo and a razor made of chocolate in Ridley’s shower.

I Must Be a Good Parent if Time Travelers Haven’t Tried To Kill My Child

Posted on by Billy Patterson

As a first-time parent, I struggle with self-doubt. I often question my child-rearing abilities and second-guess my decisions. But whenever these nagging thoughts enter my brain, I reassure myself with one simple truth: if time travelers from the future haven’t tried to kill my son, then I must be doing something right.

All parents know that when you’re raising a child, everyone thinks they know better than you. “You have to breastfeed, you should read to him every night, please get him to stop biting the waitstaff.” Believe me, I’ve heard it all.

But if I’m such a “neglectful parent” and “toxic influence”, then why haven’t underground freedom fighters from the future tried to stop my child from growing up? If I was imprinting values and character traits that would cause my son to eventually threaten humanity, then surely someone would come back to intervene.

The “haters” might tell me that it’s too soon to celebrate—maybe the time travelers haven’t arrived yet. But that’s ridiculous. If it was so important for future humans to pass back through time and kill my son, they wouldn’t leave anything to chance. They’d murder him when he was a weak infant who couldn’t defend himself, rather than a toddler who can beat up kids twice his size.

In fact, if time travelers really wanted to be sure to erase my son’s existence, they would have prevented me from spawning him in the first place. But the only person who tried to stop me from giving birth was my boyfriend, and given the amount of money he’s lost on sports betting, I doubt he’s from the future.

Perhaps there is an alternate timeline where an alternate version of me is a bad parent, and my son does grow up to be an evil, genocidal tyrant, and time travelers are forced to murder him in his crib—But wait… then he wouldn’t grow up to be evil, so rebels wouldn’t have to kill him, so then he would grow up? And be evil? So then…

Anyway, one thing is clear: in this timeline, I must be a good parent. Only one person has ever threatened violence against my son, a bridesmaid at my cousin’s wedding, and she was all talk. Someone should go back in time and stop her parents from raising an inconsiderate bitch who doesn’t understand that screaming is just how kids blow off steam.)

Although, now that I think about it, no evil time travelers have tried to kill my child, either. Does that mean he won’t grow up to be a positive leader for humanity? If robots haven’t come for him, does it mean he won’t be the lone savior who prevents the rise of the machines?

Okay, this is a wake-up call. I will double my efforts as a parent until evil robots from the future come to claim his life. It’s the only way I can be sure that I am #adulting.

California Passes Measure Banning Acoustic Guitarists from Doing That Thing Where You Slap the Low E With Your Thumb the Whole Dang Time

Posted on by John Danek

SACRAMENTO — The citizens of California overwhelmingly voted this month to ban acoustic guitarists from rhythmically slapping the low E string every second and fourth beat throughout a whole dang song, according to exit polls.

“The people of California have had enough. Every goddamn guitarist with an acoustic and a YouTube channel thinks that smacking the low string is somehow an acceptable replacement for a drummer,” stated a defiant Connor Washington, leader of Slap No More, a grassroots awareness organization who worked tirelessly to get the proposition on the ballot. “It isn’t, and it’s fucking annoying — it adds nothing to your music, and hurts the listener’s ear after a while. If you’re caught violating the law, you will be fined $600 and listeners are legally allowed to smash your guitar John Belushi-style.”

While most Californians voted in favor of the measure, not all were pleased with the result.

“Hey, mannnn, how the hell is my Jack Johnson cover project going to score gigs now? People won’t even recognize ‘Banana Pancakes’ without me thwacking the E string incessantly,” protested Los Angeleno Tanner McWitt, who is planning a counter-protest someday if he wakes up before 3 p.m. “This is like, a total impurgement of my right to party. I’m basically what Bob Marley was singing about in ‘Buffalo Soldier.’ Bob and I are kind of like kindred spirits, man… if he were alive today, he totally wouldn’t be chill with these vibes.”

Experts are shocked by the ACLU’s refusal to challenge the California ruling.

“Normally, yes, we challenge any reduction in free speech. But this one instance is pretty great: some people out there have misophonia, so please stop with the obnoxious timekeeping,” explained ACLU lawyer Lana Bartholomew. “Tap your foot or bob your head; those are fine. And there are myriad ways to keep rhythm in 2020 — a simple Google search can find effects pedals, software plugins, and royalty-free loops for keeping rhythm. Low-E slapping is the water torture of acoustic music.”

Hot on the heels of this victory, Mr. Washington announced that Slap No More would pivot towards outlawing electric guitarists from doing that thing where they pick behind the bridge or nut to get those screechy, obnoxious high notes.

Smart Fridge Only Approachable Member of Friend’s Family

Posted on by Ben Doyle

DURHAM, N.C. — During a recent visit to his friend’s house, Patrick Garrett found an LG InstaView ThinQ smart fridge to be the only approachable member of the family.

“I tapped the screen on the front, and it just lit up. It even made a little chirping sound,” said Garrett, after saying a quick hello to his friend’s brother and getting an eye roll in return. “That might not sound like much, but it made me feel seen, you know?”

While Garrett didn’t expect an outpouring of affection from his friend’s parents and siblings, he was surprised to see them outperformed by a steel box running clunky WebOS software.

“It’s not like the fridge and I even got along that well. I tried to set the ice to ‘cubed’ and accidentally set an alarm for Thursday at 5 p.m.,” said Garrett. “But it was way better than those two excruciating minutes I spent alone on the back porch with his dad. I finally asked how he was doing, but he just grunted and went back inside.”

When pressed about the harsh reception, the friend was confused about the complaint.

“Nothing seemed out of the ordinary to me,” said the friend after an hour watching Seinfeld with his parents in total silence. “Do other families talk more or something?”

The smart fridge could not be reached for comment, as it had crashed for the third time this week and needed a factory reset.

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Teen Inspired to Reenact Video Game Violence in Real Life Can’t Get Seed Funding to Build Roller Coaster

Posted on by Kyle Erf

BOISE, Idaho — Troubled sophomore Blaise Porter’s plans for mass vengeance have been slowly dashed by the tough business realities of building a roller coaster, according to sources at Central High School.

“The people in my life have pushed me too far,” said Porter. “I had to do something about it. I was playing this game called Roller Coaster Tycoon on my step-dad’s old computer and that’s when I got my plan: The Killcoaster. I started fundraising the next day.”

“I know Blaise was up to something,” said fellow sophomore Kyle Rogers. “I said ‘hi’ to him in the hallway and he stopped and said ‘You’ve always been cool to me. Here’s a little tip, don’t ride the Killcoaster on opening day.’ I have no idea what he meant by that.”

But reality soon slowed Porter’s plans. After a Kickstarter campaign failed to bring in any money despite offering a “promotional Killcoaster duster” reward tier, he turned to more traditional funding means.

“I thought these things were a lot cheaper,” said the teen. “Apparently it’s at least a million and that’s for just a Steel Mini Coaster, much less a Steeplechase or Virginia Reel. Adding a powered launch costs way more, even if the track ends 100 feet away. The bank said I had to have a business plan in order to get a loan. I told them my plan was ‘to show them all,’ but they said that wasn’t good enough.”

Some experts claimed Porter’s intentions show an often-overlooked side of video game violence. Said Rodney L. Fox, a controversial video game violence activist, “Just because a game doesn’t have guns doesn’t mean it isn’t corrupting the souls of America’s children. So-called non-violent video games promote youth crimes like building deadly amusement park rides, removing the ladders from swimming pools, and butterfly net beatings.”

“I do not have any data to back this up,” he added.

Despite his strong desires to make video game mayhem a reality, the would-be ride operator has begun reevaluating his options. 

Said a defeated Porter, “If I really want to pull this off, it sounds like I’ll have to go to college, get into the highly-cliquish amusement engineering industry, climb the ladder, build business connections… Honestly it might be easier to just see a therapist.”

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Fucking Show Off Responds He’s Doing “Well” After You State You’re Doing “Good”

Posted on by Krissy Howard

COEUR D’ALENE, Idaho — Grammatically correct person and all-around fucking showoff Eric Cyr responded that he’s doing “well” today after you’d already stated that you’re doing “good,” sources who do know the difference confirmed.

“I had this guy come through my line ask me how I was going, and I was kinda just in autopilot mode and said, ‘Good, you?’ That’s when he said he was ‘doing pretty well.’ But he didn’t just say it: he held eye contact for way longer than he needed to, and he had this shit-eating smirk on his face like he knew he had the upper hand,” you said during your lunch break while still trying to wash the ugly taste of the exchange out of your mouth. “I know he had his own reusable bag, but I didn’t realize I was talking to the Queen of fucking England or Tim Gunn or something. I guess I’ll just go back to work on the frontlines during a pandemic while Mr. Grammar goes and reads the dictionary or whatever. Fucking cocky piece of shit.”

Witnesses were left equally appalled, impressed, and self-conscious.

“I’m not sure who the fuck that guy thinks he is, or why I felt strangely compelled to impress him and maybe not hunch my shoulders as much when he looked at me, but what he did back there was just plain wrong,” said local shopper Tani Greenwood. “That poor kid’s been working nearly all damn day and night, and to do it in front of a line full of people like that? He’s an asshole for it… but I gotta be honest, I definitely consider him to be the superior human because of it.”

Experts confirmed that, while indeed grammatically correct, the use of the term “well” after hearing someone say “good” is often simply a strategic tactic.

“Either can certainly be used in conversational English, and in fact, most people do opt to say that they’re doing ‘good’ when asked. It’s humble, relatable, and gets the point across just fine,” said Professor of Linguistics at UC-Davis, Dr. Carol Liu. “For someone to choose to say that they’re well, even though we all know it’s correct, is similar to the kind of social posturing seen only among packs of wild dogs or in chess matches… and as we say in the field, is just a real dick move.”

Cyr was later seen using the terms “whom” and “ostensibly” correctly, effectively pissing off nearly half a dozen more people in the process.

Tribal Tattoo Doubles as Godsmack Tattoo, Triples as Sex Offender Identification

Posted on by Cory Cousins

TAMPA, Fla. — Local man Blake Davis, known for his large tribal tattoo that doubles as a Godsmack tattoo, went door-to-door this week to explain to his neighbors that the same tattoo could now be used to positively identify him as a sex offender.

“This shit is a goddamn travesty, man,” said Davis, while making sure he took the long way home to avoid entering any school zones. “First, the cops arrested me over a misunderstanding: I was in the library when my penis suddenly became hard, and out of confusion, I took my pants down and asked a few nursing students if they could take a look at it — I can’t be the first guy that’s happened to. Now they’re using my kickass tribal and Godsmack tattoo to identify me as a sex offender? I’m the real victim here!”

Local college student Kylie Taylor, recently unnerved by Davis in a neighborhood bar, thought the measure was justified.

“I was doing my usual Saturday night hang at Quail & Britches when [Davis] started trying to talk to me,” recounted Taylor. “He was wasted and trying to lay some game on me, and when I refused a drink offer from him, he got pissed and called me a ‘dumb bitch’ and ‘Mayor of Slut Town,’ whatever that means. Then he went over to the jukebox and loaded up three hours of Puddle of Mudd, Drowning Pool, and Staind songs and just sat there staring at me while grinding up against a table.”

A detective from the sex crimes division of the Tampa Police Department defended the restrictions on Davis.

“Look, I’m not saying all people with tribal tattoos are sex offenders. Just most,” said Det. Trisha Blackwell. “It’s bad enough this guy is a champion of early 2000s nü-metal — add a few indecent exposure charges on there and you know all you need to know about who he is. His tattoo might as well say, ‘Caution: Rapist Approaching.’ Let’s not fool ourselves here. Have you ever been to a Godsmack concert? Yikes.”

Davis is considering covering his tribal/Godsmack tat with a new Buckcherry tattoo, which sex criminologists say may serve as an even better warning sign.