SEATTLE — Local woman Rachel Mendoza discovered yesterday that the entire medicine cabinet of adult human and potential partner Ben Ridley contained strictly gummy medications, prompting a serious investigation into whether or not Ridley is still an actual child.
“I stayed over at his place for the first time last night, and things went pretty okay,” said Mendoza on her way home. “But while I was brushing my teeth, I peeked inside his medicine cabinet… and it was all gummy vitamins, gummy heart pills, CBD gummies, and I’m pretty sure there was a random pack of Skittles in there, too. Who the hell is his doctor, Willy Wonka? I’ve never seen so many dancing oranges and grapes wearing cowboy hats in my life.”
Indeed, several of Ridley’s friends verified they have never seen him ingest a pill that wasn’t chewable, fruit punch flavored, or shaped like a cartoon character.
“Ben’s always been weird about that stuff. I tried to give him some Tylenol for a hangover once, and he just covered his mouth with his hands and started shaking his head like a five-year-old,” longtime friend Dennis Schultz recalled. “I swear, the guy’s gonna get diabetes from all the candy medicine he takes. Hopefully they start making Flintstones kidney gummies by then.”
For his part, Ridley insisted his vitamin choices have no correlation to his actual maturity, and that he should still be considered an adult despite the contents of his medicine cabinet.
“I really don’t see what the big deal is. I mean, if you’ve gotta take medicine, why can’t it taste good and be shaped like cool bugs?” said Ridley, while applying a Transformers Band-Aid to a knee he scraped after falling off his bicycle. “Just because I enjoy some melatonin Gushers before bed does not make me any less of a man. Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a ‘Rugrats’ marathon on NickRewind I must attend to.”
Mendoza tentatively committed to giving Ridley another chance, but changed her mind upon discovering a bottle of bubblegum-scented shampoo and a razor made of chocolate in Ridley’s shower.