Opinion: Just Pause It and Let It Load

Posted on by Dan Rice

Look, refreshing the page isn’t doing anything, okay? I think it’s making it worse. We just need to pause it for a while and let it buffer or whatever. Okay? Just wait.

No, not yet. Give it, like, a solid minute.

Okay, now.

See? No more skipping. Okay, we made it through the opening credits. I think we’re good. Agh, shit. It’s doing it again! I guess we didn’t wait long enough. No, don’t reload it! Just PAUSE, okay? We just need to wait longer. No, I said DON’T reload… Ugh, okay fine we’ll start over but pause it first. And we’ll give a really long time. Like five minutes.

Okay, you’re making a face like I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about but I do know what I’m talking about. Please just trust me on this, okay? Look, see the line? See how, like, a tiny part of the line is gray? We need to wait till more of it is gray so that the rest of it can turn grey before the little dot moves past the gray part. That’s how it works.

What do you mean, “explain it” to you? I just did! I’m not a fucking software hacker or whatever. Neither are you! Well, can you explain to me how reloading and making it find its place again works? In, like, extremely technical 1’s and 0’s? No, you can’t. So stop trying to hold my feet to the fire!

No, we are NOT renting it! That’s ridiculous! I’m not forking over $2.99 to Jeff Bezos to watch Roadhouse again when it’s RIGHT HERE! For FREE!

You know what, fuck it. Just hit play and if it keeps freezing, whatever. We’ll just deal with it. Okay? Okay.

Fuck, I can’t do this! Every time it stutters and stops it’s like an icepick in my fucking brain! Okay, you know what? Let’s just find another one. Here, let’s try this one.

Okay, close the porn ad. No, you have to wait till the little square becomes an “x.” No, the “x” that’s showing is, like… like, it’s part of the ad. Like, it’s a trick. You have to wait for the other one. Okay. Now, click on it real fast twice. Because the first click just brings up another ad. You have to trick it! Would you please just let me do it? It doesn’t matter how I know this!

Okay, it’s not working. Let’s just watch Netflix and try again another night, okay? Okay.

Okay. Pretty good date night.

Man Types “+ Allegations” Into Google Before Going All In on Fandom of Newly Discovered Band

Posted on by John Dixon

MILWAUKEE — Local man Jeremy Grimm’s sudden infatuation with a newly discovered band was put on hold today pending the results of a search of the band’s name appended by “+ allegations,” sources close to the cautious music fan confirmed.

“Well, I was listening to this playlist on Deezer when this awesome band I’d never heard of called Pappy’s Gold pops up… and the song was an absolute slapper. I got ready to go all in, but so many bands in every scene have just turned out to be absolute evil fucks and I never find out until after I’ve bought a few of their shirts and someone at Whole Foods spits on me,” said Grimm from his couch, laptop on his lap with a fresh Google search open. “I’m gonna look and see if there are any allegations against them, so I can save myself the heartache of getting invested and having to delete all songs I’d then feel gross listening to.”

Grimm’s roommate Kim Pfall was sympathetic, acknowledging the necessity of research before becoming invested in a new band.

“He’s just been hurt so many times by falling hard for these bands without taking the time to learn anything about them first, so it’s kinda nice to see he’s learning,” Pfall said while Grimm’s finger hovered over the “enter” key to complete the search. “It kinda sucks he has to do this, but at least this way he’s no longer throwing out hundreds of dollars to get a band’s logo tattooed on his arm, only to have it covered up by another band’s logo with the same exact results.”

Google engineer Emil Gonsky said such searches have skyrocketed in recent years.

“A few years ago we started seeing a lot more of these kinds of searches, and these days, they’re ubiquitous,” Gonsky said. “Much like the word ‘feet’ after an actor’s name, ‘allegations’ is quickly becoming the top autocomplete result for many bands. As far as I’m concerned, it’s not even worth it to get attached to any band — they always let you down. I’ve switched to music made by AI programs just to be safe.”

At press time, Grimm had finally pressed the enter key and, after scrolling for several seconds, sighed and stared off into space for several minutes.

Gamer Asks Chipotle Employee Which Type of Beans Provide Better Stat Boost

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

AUSTIN — Frustrating employees and other patrons and holding up the line behind him with his questions, a local gamer asked a Chipotle employee taking his burrito order which beans would provide him with a better stat boost, hungry sources confirmed earlier this afternoon.

“Do you know if the black or the pinto beans give a better defense boost?” inquired Stewart McCaffrey, looking around at the posted signs and placards for other important nutritional information. “If you have a laminated card or a tooltip that shows all of the buffs of your ingredients, that would be really helpful.”

McCaffrey, a gaming and health enthusiast, says he tracks all of his stats religiously and that being informed is the key to effectively min-maxing your diet.

“I have a history of heart conditions in my family, so my most important stat is defense. After that I probably care the most about movement speed, so I also look at how heavy each ingredient is,” he explained. “I don’t make a habit of eating out like this, but when I do, I like to know exactly how it’s going to affect my body. These kinds of decisions can really add up throughout the course of a run.”

At press time, an upset McCaffrey had finished eating his burrito only to discover that it also provided a hidden poison damage debuff that would only go away over time.

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RPG Town Shop Goes Bankrupt After Buying $10,000 in Trinkets From Adventurer

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

NETINNDEL — An RPG shop owner has been forced to close up his local shop and declare bankruptcy after buying $10,000 worth of useless trinkets from a wandering adventurer.

“Aye, I asked this weary traveller if he’d like to have a look at me goods,” said shop owner Enmon Rarnis. “He said he had a few things to sell first and showed me his collection of trinkets. Empty bottles, broken necklaces, a dagger rusted beyond. I had to buy every single one. Only a fool would part with such valuable treasure.”

After selling his items for the equivalent of $10,000 in gold, the traveler browsed through Rarnis’ selection of items for 20 seconds before deciding to leave without buying anything. The one-sided transaction left the shop with no money.

“To be frank, I had no intention of buying anything in there,” explained adventurer Hadvar the Great. “My pockets were just weighed down with all of this useless junk I had looted during my adventures. I thought he’d buy one or two things, but I was surprised when he took it all. How many wheels of cheese does one merchant need?”

Shortly after leaving the shop, Hadvar returned to ask if Rarnis would sharpen his sword. Hadavr gave him all the metals needed for the blacksmithing process, paying no additional money for Rarnis’ time and service.

“I don’t know how this didn’t happen sooner,” said local innkeeper Haelga Uriel. “His inventory isn’t even that impressive. He only sells three potions and some barley. I’m pretty sure he never restocks either.”

Rarnis plans to become a wandering merchant who will take any rare pelts travellers bring to him and craft them into elaborate hats, which they can have for free.

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Top 5 Ways To Ruin Everyone’s Day With Only a Motorcycle

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

Oh boy, it’s a perfect day out. The weather is ideal for a nice walk with a loved one, for children to play outside, or maybe some quiet gardening. This is why I’ve gassed my bike up and called up some bro’s for a nice ride around town ruining everyone’s day.

The risk-factor of riding a motorcycle through populated areas is a small price to pay for letting the world know you’re an insufferable, inconsiderate tool. Here are five things to keep in mind to maximize your annoyance-factor.

1. Wake up sleeping babies
Parents of newborn children value any prolonged period of restful sleep they can get. And it’s easy for an adult to turn over and go back to sleep after my exhaust blows through their neighborhood, but once a newborn baby is stirred awake they’re up and they’re crying and screaming and those parents’ day is shot.

Bonus points if you can drive back and get the baby to actually see you so it knows monsters are real.

2. Ruin a cat cuddle
Early morning is also when cats are the most docile and likely to be cuddly. Time to light their endocrine system up by idling my hog in front of their house for a few minutes while I decide what Pantera song to blast from my speakers.

3. Disrupt a burial
A little before noon is typically when funerals happen. And if you think a solemn ceremony involving deep introspection and treasured memories is a magnet for my loud-ass Harley then you’re so right I want to kiss you and punch you and I’m very confused by these feelings.

Feelings are for when we’re dead. Let my bone-rattling bike be a reminder that chaos reigns over all and I am an agent of that chaos.

4. Almost murder a bicyclist
For some people, a sunny, beautiful day is perfect for riding around on a bike, which is a fragile little acoustic motorcycle. These people need a little reminder of who really owns the road. Time to give them a little fright and make their lives flash before their eyes. Starting with a little engine rev to give them a spook, then almost driving them off the road to remind them who’s boss on these roads.

5. Traumatize children by exposing them to your mangled corpse 
As they say in Looney Tunes before self-immolating, “you can only do this once,” but once is good enough. You’ll be immortalized in the recurring nightmares of the children who witness your brains smeared on the highway as traffic is forced into a single lane while first responders tend to your mutilated, lifeless body. You’ll not only ruin the day of any family passing by in a minivan, you’ll also ruin their lives.

WITNESS ME!

“Cash Only” Bar Coincidentally Also “$7 ATM Fee” Bar

Posted on by Bobby Korec

SEATTLE — Conveniently opportunistic “cash only” bar Zoo Tavern allegedly also has an abnormally high $7 ATM fee, patrons who immediately left for a more customer-friendly atmosphere reported.

“That’s just capitalism being capitalism, baby,” said the bar’s proprietor Andy Shouthjaw, before staring forlornly at all of the empty bar stools on a Saturday night. “We simply must punish customers for being ill-prepared when coming into this establishment without the proper physical monetary requirements. It’s the only way they’ll learn. Plus, as a precious job creator, I’m allowed to charge whatever I want and pay as little taxes as I want. This is America. If you don’t like it, move to another bar.”

Potential patrons were disappointed by the lack of consideration.

“$7 just to access my own money is like some sort of Orwellian nightmare or Ayn Randian wet dream,” said Jeremy Rattingor before writing, “fuck this place,” on his one-star Yelp review of the bar. “If only there was some sort of establishment I could go to beforehand to withdraw my own money free of charge… maybe, like, a place that has my bank’s name on it, so I know for sure there won’t be some ludicrous transaction fee. Anyway, it’d probably be a terrible business venture since paper money is essentially obsolete.”

Financial experts have long defended the predatory nature of ATM fees.

“There are consequences to being poor in this country, and nothing reinforces that more than the U.S. banking system,” said financial analyst Susan Bonnings. “That’s why you pay a fee if you overdraft, or are slapped with a penalty charge simply for having a low balance on your account. Sure, banks don’t need to do that, but it’s straight up easy money for them. And what are you going to do? Not have a bank account? The solution is actually pretty simple, though: stop being poor, and always keep a few hundred bucks on you. Just like me.”

Sadly, Shouthjaw will likely have to close down his bar due to low turnout. Plans are already in the works for an apartment building to be built in its place, of which management intends to charge first, last, and middle month’s rent as a brokers fee along with monthly pet rent and a $250 “landlord’s convenience” fee.

Do I Have COVID or Did I Just Eat Too Much Digiorno

Posted on by Dan Luberto

Look I know this pandemic has been hard, I know I’m not alone in the constant anxiety, paranoia, and despair that the COVID-19 Pandemic has caused. The pain caused by COVID both mentally and physically is immeasurable but I gotta say I ate too much DiGiorno pizza last night and I feel so terrible I can’t tell if it is the pizza or COVID or what.

I mean seriously, within minutes of ingesting that irresistible, overpriced, freeze-burned pizza I could feel my health rapidly deteriorating. Is that normal? Am I okay?

Did this fucking DiGiornio Pizza give me COVID? I swear to God. The tricky part is I can’t even tell whether or not I’ve lost my sense of taste because, naturally, I took a big bite right away and burned the shit out of my mouth.

I know what you’re thinking, “He over-ate junk food, and his stomach hurts and he’s shitting a lot blah blah blah.”Not the case at all, my stomach is fine. In fact, that’s one part of my body that’s not experiencing pain! I feel like I am drowning in a lagoon here! All because I wanted to treat myself to the $9 frozen pizza instead of the $6 one.

I wanted stuffed crust, SUE ME.

Here’s my question for the science community, is there something specific about DiGiorno pizza that is causing my chest to hurt so badly? Is there any concrete reason that my veins feel like they have rock salt tumbling through them?

I’m serious here. Is there a direct link between DiGiorno specifically that makes it feel like someone is shooting me directly in the brain with a gun that shoots cinder blocks?

I thought I had been taking all necessary precautions, limited social circle, always masking up, barely leaving my home except for essentials but I guess I didn’t take into account that my weekly trip to the Giant Foods would do this to me. I was wearing a mask the whole time, got my DiGiorno and some other foods and left! I sanitized thoroughly before and after going to the store.

I once ate a whole box of Ellios and didn’t bat an eyelash! I’m pretty sure Ellios doesn’t count as food even. Remember Chef Tony frozen pizzas? I almost burned my childhood home down with a Chef Tony back in the day when the pepperoni spontaneously combusted yet those pizzas never caused me this anguish.

If I had any inkling I would feel this way I would have just gotten store-brand. I wanted to live it up with a Digiorno! Hindsight is 20/20, God I wish I splurged with a CPK or something but I am not made of money here.

What could all this pain be? I mean I feel the worst I have ever felt before! The more research I do the scarier it feels. WHY ISN’T THERE A WEBMD FOR DIGIORNO INDUCED MIGRAINES?

DID THIS PIZZA GIVE ME COVID?

Am I going blind? Maybe Mama Celeste would know! TOO BAD I BETRAYED HER.

If you have any help/advice/experience with this please let me know sooner than later because I think I can feel this DiGiorno stopping my heart as I write this.

Punk Has to Set Politics Aside While Shopping at Army Surplus Store

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

ASHEBORO, N.C. — Local punk Dean Brown set his morals and political ideologies aside again yesterday in order to shop at the Garrett Army & Navy Surplus Store, according to close colleagues of the thrifty punk.

“When I walked in and saw a giant confederate flag and Semper Fi bumper sticker, I knew I was going to have to swallow my pride a little. I’m really tempted to yell at the clerk about his ‘Blue Lives Matter’ shirt, but he’s cleaning an AR-15, so I don’t think this is the best time or place to make a stink,” said Brown while trying on ski masks. “I really don’t want to support the military industrial complex, but where else am I going to buy combat boots, a field jacket, and dummy grenades for under $60? It sucks they have a full section dedicated to replica Nazi stuff, but at least I’m not shopping at Walmart.”

The shop itself doesn’t seem to want Brown’s patronage, but begrudgingly accepts his money.

“Clearly this communist doesn’t belong here, but business has been slow lately and I can’t turn anyone away,” said store owner Paul Garrett as he stocked gas masks. “I will say this for him: the kid knows his knives. We spent like, a half-hour talking about machetes alone, and he ended up buying a 15” bowie knife… and let me tell you, that is a honey of a knife. If two people as different as we are can come together over their weapon collection, maybe there’s hope for this country after all.”

Older punks are all too familiar with the slippery slope of shopping at army surplus stores.

“That place will get inside your head,” said 46-year-old scene veteran Christian McDaniel from an undisclosed location. “Sure, first you go in for boots… then you want to buy a smoke bomb to throw in the lobby of a police station, and the next thing you know, your basement is full of doomsday supply rations and fuel cans full of purified urine. Sure, they’re convinced it’s the government that’s out to get us and I know it’s corporations, but before long, you circle back around on yourself and start storing your keys in an empty ammo canister and listening to music on a crank radio.”

As of press time, Brown was genuinely considering buying a tactical utility belt.

Alarming Daily Screen Time Report Doesn’t Include TV or Computer Monitor

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

SARASOTA, Fla. — Straining his eyes while scrolling through the report to make sure he was understanding things right, distraught man and technology addict Antonio Reeves was distraught to discover that his iPhone’s daily screen time report doesn’t include time that he spends staring at his TV or his computer monitor.

“I’ve been checking this report before I go to bed to see whether I’m spending too much time on my devices,” explained Reeves, eyes still bleary from scrolling through the report in the pitch black darkness of his bedroom. “Then I realized that the seven hours I spent working at my computer, all of the minutes I spent glancing at my Apple Watch, plus the two hours I spent gaming last night weren’t included in the report at all. Kind of misleading if you ask me, they should really fix that.”

Reeves said that looking more closely at the numbers on the screen time report made him realize that something was amiss.

“So if you put together all of the time I spent on my phone yesterday, which was about — wow, ten hours, really? How is that possible? But that would mean that I spent twenty hours on screens in the last 24 hours? Wait, what time is it? Oh my God, I’ve got to be up in two hours. I should have stopped looking at screens 30 minutes ago to get ready for bed.”

At press time, Reeves had decided to subtract his gaming hours from his running total of screen time after deciding that VR headsets didn’t count.

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