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Do I Have COVID or Did I Just Eat Too Much Digiorno

Look I know this pandemic has been hard, I know I’m not alone in the constant anxiety, paranoia, and despair that the COVID-19 Pandemic has caused. The pain caused by COVID both mentally and physically is immeasurable but I gotta say I ate too much DiGiorno pizza last night and I feel so terrible I can’t tell if it is the pizza or COVID or what.

I mean seriously, within minutes of ingesting that irresistible, overpriced, freeze-burned pizza I could feel my health rapidly deteriorating. Is that normal? Am I okay?

Did this fucking DiGiornio Pizza give me COVID? I swear to God. The tricky part is I can’t even tell whether or not I’ve lost my sense of taste because, naturally, I took a big bite right away and burned the shit out of my mouth.

I know what you’re thinking, “He over-ate junk food, and his stomach hurts and he’s shitting a lot blah blah blah.”Not the case at all, my stomach is fine. In fact, that’s one part of my body that’s not experiencing pain! I feel like I am drowning in a lagoon here! All because I wanted to treat myself to the $9 frozen pizza instead of the $6 one.

I wanted stuffed crust, SUE ME.

Here’s my question for the science community, is there something specific about DiGiorno pizza that is causing my chest to hurt so badly? Is there any concrete reason that my veins feel like they have rock salt tumbling through them?

I’m serious here. Is there a direct link between DiGiorno specifically that makes it feel like someone is shooting me directly in the brain with a gun that shoots cinder blocks?

I thought I had been taking all necessary precautions, limited social circle, always masking up, barely leaving my home except for essentials but I guess I didn’t take into account that my weekly trip to the Giant Foods would do this to me. I was wearing a mask the whole time, got my DiGiorno and some other foods and left! I sanitized thoroughly before and after going to the store.

I once ate a whole box of Ellios and didn’t bat an eyelash! I’m pretty sure Ellios doesn’t count as food even. Remember Chef Tony frozen pizzas? I almost burned my childhood home down with a Chef Tony back in the day when the pepperoni spontaneously combusted yet those pizzas never caused me this anguish.

If I had any inkling I would feel this way I would have just gotten store-brand. I wanted to live it up with a Digiorno! Hindsight is 20/20, God I wish I splurged with a CPK or something but I am not made of money here.

What could all this pain be? I mean I feel the worst I have ever felt before! The more research I do the scarier it feels. WHY ISN’T THERE A WEBMD FOR DIGIORNO INDUCED MIGRAINES?


Am I going blind? Maybe Mama Celeste would know! TOO BAD I BETRAYED HER.

If you have any help/advice/experience with this please let me know sooner than later because I think I can feel this DiGiorno stopping my heart as I write this.