Oprah Announces Newest Book Club Entry, ‘101 Fortnite Tips & Tricks’

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

CHICAGO — Oprah Winfrey shocked the gaming and literary worlds today by announcing that the newest entry in her long running tastemaking book club would be its first ever strategy guide, titled 101 Fortnite Tips & Tricks.

“I am so ecstatic to bring these tips and tricks to the world,” said Winfrey, at the beginning of her Oprah Book Club program, which recently premiered on AppleTV+. “We’ve long aspired to showcase voices and stories that resonate with us, and is there a more powerful symbol of the 21st century than an individual alone in the world, doing what they can to scrape by and survive? These may be tips for a battle royale video game, but I think we can all take these lessons with us in our everyday lives.”

The episode began with Winfrey introducing the clearly surprised and nervous author, a 22 year old college student named Henry Berger.

“I, uh, I thought I might make a couple bucks by writing this and self publishing it,” Burger sai  to the studio audience. “There’s like tons and tons of these. So while I appreciate the opportunity and the exposure, I have to imagine Epic will be pulling my book from the store any minute now now that this much attention is being paid to my unauthorized strategy guide.”

“Also, make sure you’re good at building, and use headphones if you can,” he added, before asking if anyone in the audience was familiar with Fortnite. 

Though many in the audience were puzzled by the selection, most professed their confidence in Winfrey’s cultivation of titles. 

“I’ve read everything Oprah has recommended since she started the book club,” said Caitlyn Richards, who was in the studio audience. “And she’s never steered me wrong. So yeah, this all seems a little fishy to me, but I am going to read the book and try some of the things it talks about, like gathering wood and uh, maintaining the high ground when there’s a storm close? I’m still not sure I understand.” 

As of press time, Winfrey has confirmed that her next Book Club selection will be 1990’s novelization of Mega Man 2.

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I Will Never Love My Family Like I Love Sit-Down Pizza Huts

Posted on by Dan Luberto

I’m a dedicated father, husband, son, and, thank my lucky stars, I’m even still a grandson! Boy howdy, I love each and every member of my family for the unique person they are and the experiences we’ve shared. Yup, I plain ol’ love my family more than just about anything on God’s green Earth.

But if we’re driving down the road and I see a sit-down Pizza Hut, I am careening this station wagon through the wall of that building like an Italian Kool-Aid man and I don’t care how many “My Child is an Honor Student” bumper stickers (or honor students for that matter) we lose as a result.

Nothing in life will ever come close to the joy I feel while nestled snug in the booth of a dine-in Pizza Hut.

I love my family. I do! It’s just, when’s the last time you went to a sit-down Pizza Hut? Aw heck, you probably don’t even know. That means you have a hole in your chest, fella. Sure, you may try to fill that hole with a happy and loving family. But that’s fool’s gold, buddy. You’re gonna wanna fill it with a personal pan pizza served to you in your own personal pan. And that experience can only occur at a sit-down Pizza Hut.

You might think that I’m wrong here but I can’t be alone. Pizza Hut is not only meant to be served in a booth, but doing so brings a joy that no other experience can even touch. Especially not some forgettable experience like a family trip or a birth.

You might also think I’m just nostalgic for a different time in my life. Nostalgia? I feel nostalgic for Pepsi Blue. The feeling of the Pizza Hut lady putting a sticker on my button for READING and sitting down for a personal pan pizza that I earned fills me with a passion so strong, it dwarfs minor emotional moments like when I held my father’s hands and looked him in the eyes before making the decision to take him off life support.

Sit-down Pizza Hut offers solace in a world where there simply is none.

When my wife had the first miscarriage, we bonded through pain and love, but if I’m being honest, I have a much stronger bond with those red plastic cups with that vaguely bumpy texture to them.

Sit-down Pizza Hut’s are a relic of a lost time and we must cherish those that are still with us. And if my wife ever comes back I’ll be sure to finally take her to one.

Woman’s Insecurities Confirmed by Record Store’s Dollar Bin

Posted on by Mike Civins

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Music fan Laura Kesrick’s insecurities were confirmed yesterday after discovering an alarming number of favorite albums in the dollar bin of local record store Black Gold Records.

“I really didn’t need this today. Practically every one of these records had an increasingly profound impact on my life,” said the 28-year-old record collector and songwriter. “Yet each album, regardless of my appreciation or sentimental value, seems that much sadder with a $1 price tag plastered on it. How does Neil Young have this many albums, and why can I buy all of them for like, $18?”

The dollar tag has affected other customers similarly, though some have been more than willing to part with up to four quarters for another copy of Ratt’s “Out of the Cellar” or the soundtrack to “O Lucky Man.”

“I have great memories associated with a lot of these dollar records,” said emotionally steamrolled fellow customer Paula Andreas. “But now you can buy each one for about the same price of a Kit Kat, or even less if the condition is shot to shit… like my musical tastes, apparently.”

Black Gold co-owner Jeff Ogiba is proficient at detecting the moment of realization from his post behind the register.

“The last thing I want to do is be responsible for someone’s existential crisis,” said Ogiba. “But as a small business owner, it’s important to reflect a record’s value based on the demand, the market, and the condition — not if it brings back memories of singalongs on family road trips. If that was the case, Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Rumours’ would be worth a fortune. But when you consider our overhead and operating costs, it’s really just worth a buck.”

“I just want to remind customers that we have plenty of expensive records they can buy if they want to feel better about themselves,” he added.

Although Kesrick left without buying anything, she ultimately determined it was for the best, as she narrowly avoided seeing her own band’s record in the back of the same dollar bin, right behind Peter Frampton’s “Frampton Comes Alive” and Richard Simmons’ “Reach.”

5 Red Flags the One-Hit-Wonder Your Shitty Band Is Paying To Open up for Might Be Washed Up

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Holy shit, your band just got offered a show! The biggest show of your bands’ young life, in fact. It’s a band you’ve heard of and they even had a hit song on the radio! All you and your bandmates have to do is sell 30 tickets. Each.

Before you get too excited let’s examine some things. See, between shady promoters, social media bots, and snarky advice listicles written by failed musicians, local bands need to be wary of scams on all fronts. “Pay to play” is when your band is required to sell a prerequisite number of tickets in order to play the show. In most cases, the band buys their own tickets. Unless you’re some kind of weirdo with friends and a supportive family, but if that were the case you’d be playing lacrosse or some shit.

These scams can be hard to pick up on if the show is good enough. Sure, you’re forced to sell tickets at $15 while pocketing a cool $2.50 per ticket (after the venue takes the first $500 of course), but think of the exposure you’ll get to all the headliner’s fans. Think of all the new people who will discover your band! That is, until you arrive at the show to realize the entire audience is made up of all the people who came to see the other 6 local support acts who also had to harass their family in order to capitalize on this amazing “opportunity.”

We at The Hard Times will not let this happen to you! Here are 5 red flags to look out for in case the one-hit-wonder band you’re paying to open up for is secretly washed up.

Your shitty band is opening for them – Let’s get this one right out of the way. If your band is opening, it’s not a good sign. This doesn’t mean the band with every band from the scene opening up their Tuesday night show is washed up. Maybe they’re just not big in this town anymore?

This isn’t terminal but we’re not off to a good start. Sure, your band has some pretty impressive accolades in the central Ohio scene, but you should keep checking for warning signs just in case the headliner who personally chose you over any act on their label or bands they’re friends with or any other method of booking that bands partake in when they’re not 100% certain they can’t draw anymore.

The promoter is more concerned with your ticket money than the headliner’s absence minutes before the show – Venue employees are dicks. I’ve always said that. Granted, it’s usually under my breath and definitely out of earshot of that gigantic door guy. But I stand by it unless someone calls me out. On a good day, they will borderline threaten your band for your presale ticket money. And God help you if one of your unsold tickets went missing. That’s fraud and the top legal minds running the Weeknight shows at “Roadie Joe’s” will be quick to tell you.

But the transparent scam some call “the scene” is not the red flag we’re looking for today. What you’re looking for is the look of sweet relief upon collecting your presale money, especially if doors have been open for an hour and the headliner hasn’t shown up yet. This likely means the promotor has long since realized their headliner is washed up and every dollar you give them goes towards paying off a band who hasn’t yet realized they can’t afford to charge what they did in their prime.

They didn’t get to use the secret green room – Any band that has reached any level of local success has experienced the thrill of getting to use an iconic venue’s green room for the first time. Usually, it’s a tight hallway or standing room space with cold, bare walls and the stench of state beer on the floor. Any band that’s reached any level of success beyond that knows that’s not the real green room. Any real band knows that the green room is the large hallway or standing room space with cold, bare walls and the stench of stale beer coming from a cooler of skunked beers. Lucky fucks.

They’re Aaron Carter – If they’re Aaron Carter, just say so and drop the show. It’s okay if you agreed to open for Aaron Carter. It really is. We’ve all been in some dark places and no one will judge you.

If they’re not Aarong Carter, and you’re still not sure if the headliner is a bunch of scamming fucks (or at least are willing to go on a tour run and promoted by scammy fucks), write down and consult this checklist for an “on the go” assessment:

1. Are they Alien Ant Farm?
2. Are they Red Jumpsuit Apparatus?
3. Are you absolutely sure they’re not Aaron Carter? He’s tricky.

They Saw Your Set – Wait, they really did? Woah. This is new territory for us. Okay, upon further assessment, it’s clear they are really good people. Unfortunately, no band worth its salt would watch a local opener on any level. Why did you agree to this show again? No offense, but this makes you come off as pretty desperate. Tell you what, we have a “band development” program at The Hard Times. So, send a check to our very real office and we’ll take your band to the next level! Just make the check out to “Aaron Carter.”

Man Only Listens to Canceled Bands on Spotify So He Doesn’t Support Them Monetarily

Posted on by Parker Newman

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local man Charlie Miller made the bold decision today to only listen to canceled bands on Spotify in order to keep from supporting the disgraced artists monetarily in any way, sources who aren’t very impressed by his brand of activism confirmed.

“Look, I want to support musicians I love in these tough times. I’m lucky enough to be able to do my job from home, and I’ve been buying more merch online than ever,” said Miller. “But if a band member does or says something I don’t like, then they are relegated to Spotify, and I only listen to them with headphones on. Say what you want about Spotify not paying artists, but some of those artists happen to be monsters with catchy songs I’ve loved since I was a teenager. It’s the perfect platform for me to build a decent playlist and feel good about making sure shitty people don’t get my hard-earned cash.”

Some scandalized bands hope to convince music fans there are still reasons to buy albums.

“Look, I didn’t get into punk, or even music for that matter, to make a political statement,” said indie musician Andy Kovacek, formerly of the band Sour Grapes. “When our lead singer got into trouble for hooking up with a few dozen underage girls, I was pissed he risked the band’s reputation like that… mostly because I just bought my first house, but I guess I also feel bad for the girls. What sucks is that the other three members of the band never got caught doing anything wrong, but we were punished because he couldn’t cover his tracks. It’s unfair.”

However, Spotify executive Aiden Carter believes that paying artists is a much more nuanced issue than people say.

“We all have ‘guilty pleasures’ when it comes to music,” stated Miller. “But we also have ‘guilty in the court of law’ pleasures as well, or at the very least, ‘in the court of public opinion.’ We here at Spotify understand that people still have urges to listen to music written by problematic people. This is precisely why we don’t pay anyone, because we know that every artist will eventually say something racist on a podcast at some point.”

At press time, Miller was hard at work trying to find OnlyFans login information on Reddit so he could avoid paying $20 a month to see a former coworker naked.

Anime Hero Assures Dentist He’ll Stop Carrying Sword in Mouth

Posted on by John Dixon

THE GRAND LINE — Legendary swordsman and anime hero Roronoa Zoro is on the search for a new fighting style after being forced to promise his dentist he would stop carrying his sword in his mouth.

“I had been experiencing odd symptoms, like bleeding gums and intense pain in my jaw so I decided to visit the dentist,” Zoro said, while holding a massive ice pack to his face. “Only for him to tell me that I had to re-evaluate the fighting style I have been honing my entire life because all of these problems were due to clutching my mighty blade in my teeth. This is why I normally only go to pirate dentists.”

“Honestly, I am unsure I should take the advice of someone who has never held a blade, let alone built his own fighting style,” he continued. “I tend to just tell my dentist I’m gonna do something and then I don’t.”

Dracule Mihawk, one of Zoro’s multitudinous foes and fellow student of the blade, shared his own view of the swordsman’s style and its impact on dental health.

“I mean obviously gripping the hilt of a sword in your teeth is going to be absolutely awful for you, that’s a ton of weight for your jaw to support, plus it really is not practical beyond maybe psyching out your opponent,” Mihawk explained. “One time I fought Zoro and he spent the whole fight drooling horribly and making this slurping noise when trying to hide it. Worst of all, we couldn’t get into any sort of rhythm in our battle because he kept having to call a timeout anytime something jostled the sword even a little so he could reset it. We called it a draw.”

Bill Henderson, a dentist specializing in anime characters, explained the negative impact of a fighting style such as Zoro’s.

“Carrying your sword in your mouth when you fight is just about the worst thing you can possibly do for your teeth, considering the massive amount of force the blade would be transferring to your teeth and the jaw strain of having to keep a 1 kilogram sword steady,” Henderson said. “It’s honestly impressive that it manages to be even more damaging than all the blows anime characters take to their mouth, the biting of random objects, and their general lack of hygiene.”

At press time, Zoro was discussing with his dentist the possibility of removing his natural teeth and replacing them with dentures that have a sword pre-attached.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Resume Updated Two Minutes Into ‘Photoshop Basics’ Tutorial

Posted on by Ben Doyle

OMAHA, Neb. — Local job seeker Brenna Reed updated her resume to include “proficient at Photoshop” roughly two minutes into a 5-hour tutorial on the basics of the software.

“I think I pretty much get the gist. You have the sidebar with the different things you can do, and then along the top, there’s buttons where you can do other stuff,” said Reed, after closing Lesson One: Creating a New File and opening ZipRecruiter to look for graphic design jobs. “I’ll finish the rest later.”

Reed reportedly had to reduce the font size on her resume to fit the new addition under her other skills, including “expert at Microsoft Word” and “business fluent in Spanish and German.”

“Yeah, I took Spanish in high school, and I got started learning German because I always thought it would be cool to speak German,” said Reed, pointing at an unopened Rosetta Stone box. “If I get one of those translator jobs I applied for last week, I’ll brush up on the finer points.”

When reached for comment, professional graphic designers claimed Reed would need years of experience before doing their jobs.

“It’s an extremely complex program, and it’s always evolving, so you need to learn new skills all the time. She has a long way to go,” said full-time web ad designer Billy Russel, dragging a line of text onto a stock photo for the 20th time that day. “People have no respect for this profession.”

Shortly following the resume update, Reed noticed her Photoshop free trial was expiring tomorrow, and decided maybe she’d be a screenwriter instead.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Girlfriend Excited to Start Crying Outside of Bars Again

Posted on by Ryan Danley

SAN FRANCISCO — Local woman Amber Stevens is looking forward to a return of her favorite pastime of crying outside of bars again once coronavirus restrictions are rolled back, sources walking on eggshells confirm.

“This pandemic has been hard for everyone, and I could totally be dead or something. But I think it’s O.K. to grieve the loss of things I truly loved… one of which is having one too many drinks, getting upset over a perceived slight, and storming out to the front of a bar and leaving myself unconsolable to my boyfriend, friends, and well-intentioned passerbys,” said Stevens. “I’ve tried crying outside on the deck, I’ve cried outside of a pick-up window at Starbucks, and I’ve even cried as the Postmates driver showed up. None of that came close to the sweet release of standing outside of a bar and crying. It’s my happy place.”

Stevens’ long time boyfriend Matt Little is fully empathetic and just wishes there was more he could do to help.

“Amber is great — she is a ‘crying outside of a bar’ artist. I’ve seen her pull off a two-hour straight marathon cry during which she’d sometimes want me outside with her, and then immediately tell me it’s O.K. to just go back inside with MY friends. And this was at her birthday party. It was like Jordan’s flu game,” said Little. “Is the threat of COVID worth so much loss? I mean, how many years does she even have left to scream at me across a crowded parking lot?”

While the world is struggling to find its footing in the “new normal,” experts warn that the loss of evolutionary human traits may have long term effects.

“These are behaviors found throughout human history. Going to the bathroom in pairs, crying and hating your best friend out of nowhere… it’s all a defense against rival groups,” said Dean Wentz, head of Crisis Management for the CDC. “We see similar traits in men: watching a sports game on mute, staring at your phone while someone is talking, or lying about how many beers you actually drank is a potentially deadly loss to our entire timeline. Those are things that built us. Without them, we’re lost in fucking space.”

Stevens was unavailable for further comment as she was taking a walk or needed some space or something like that.

Teen Hearing First Metal Record Spontaneously Grows Thin, Weird Mustache

Posted on by James Knapp

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Local 13-year-old Damien Glass suddenly sprouted a pencil-line mustache yesterday moments into his first listen of Motorhead’s classic “Ace of Spades,” unreasonably proud sources confirmed.

“My older brother stopped beating me up for a minute and made me listen to this guy Lemmy screaming about a bunch of crazy stuff. I was kind of scared, but a few minutes later I felt a tingle under my nose, and this rad ‘stache just formed on my face,” said Glass while ineffectually scratching a comb against his upper lip. “My brother said this album was gonna change my whole life and he was totally right. Man, I can already tell this thing is gonna get me so many chicks.”

Classmate Marcus Wentling, however, did not share Glass’ enthusiasm.

“That thing isn’t nearly as cool as [Damien] thinks it is. It’s really gone to his head. The day after he grew it, he started talking in this weird, low voice and asking if anybody if they had a spare razor so he could ‘trim the beast up,’” remarked Wentling. “That mustache is all he ever talks about anymore… at least when he’s not telling us about how he plans on getting a bass to learn to play Deep Purple. Is there any way we can make him listen to some Belle & Sebastian, so maybe he can chill the fuck out a bit?”

Metal doctor Louis “Bonesaw” Lipinski, M.D. explained the connection between enthusiasm for the genre and poor facial hair growth.

“This is a completely natural part of growing up for a metalhead. Just wait until he hears his first Slayer record and grows a gross, patchy goatee so fast that his chin will bleed for days,” said Lipinski, surrounded by human remains which he repeatedly emphasized were for medical purposes. “The best thing to do is just ignore it and let him figure things out on his own. Eventually he’ll listen to Metallica’s ‘St. Anger’ and realize this whole mustache thing was all just a ridiculous phase.”

Glass was later spotted at a nearby CVS, debating which brand of beard conditioner was endorsed by Satan.

Virtual Intern Not Sure What to Do With Latte He Just Pissed In

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

JERICHO, N.Y. — Recent college graduate and virtual intern at JPMorgan Chase Danny Galiardi has no idea what to do with a latte in which he just urinated, slightly disgusted sources confirmed.

“I was told it was like, a rite of passage to pee in your boss’s latte,” Galiardi explained, still holding the cup of violated beverage. “But I work from my parents’ house — like an hour away from my boss in Manhattan, and I think he’d find a random cup of lukewarm coffee on his front porch pretty suspicious. I could mail it to him, but I doubt he’d end up drinking it. It sucks because if I just dump it down the drain, that’s a waste of a good latte and some good piss. I guess I’ll just give it to my brother, but it won’t be the same.”

Starbucks barista Kelly Barker was also confused.

“I asked him if he wanted me to leave room for cream, and he said ‘yes’ and then laughed in this really weird way,” Barker explained. “As soon as I handed him the cup he went into the bathroom, and when he came out he seemed a bit disoriented — like he didn’t know what to do next. I saw him sitting outside for like, 25 minutes just sort of staring at the coffee and making a few phone calls. He never even made an attempt to drink it. I have no idea what’s going on.”

NYU Internship Coordinator Angelica Griffith noted that internships in the days of COVID are much different than years past.

“There are no office supplies to steal, no awkward happy hours with your boss, no office hookups… although personal internet usage has remained constant,” Griffith said. “Interns are having to get creative with petty power plays: many are using company cards for streaming services, or turning their company laptop into a gaming system, while the real go-getters will catfish their married boss and blackmail them for a promotion. But overall, these interns still have the standard feelings of underappreciation, but are just unable to exact revenge.”

Galiardi ultimately settled on ordering his boss’s blackened salmon salad via DoorDash without the dressing on the side.