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Girlfriend Excited to Start Crying Outside of Bars Again

SAN FRANCISCO — Local woman Amber Stevens is looking forward to a return of her favorite pastime of crying outside of bars again once coronavirus restrictions are rolled back, sources walking on eggshells confirm.

“This pandemic has been hard for everyone, and I could totally be dead or something. But I think it’s O.K. to grieve the loss of things I truly loved… one of which is having one too many drinks, getting upset over a perceived slight, and storming out to the front of a bar and leaving myself unconsolable to my boyfriend, friends, and well-intentioned passerbys,” said Stevens. “I’ve tried crying outside on the deck, I’ve cried outside of a pick-up window at Starbucks, and I’ve even cried as the Postmates driver showed up. None of that came close to the sweet release of standing outside of a bar and crying. It’s my happy place.”

Stevens’ long time boyfriend Matt Little is fully empathetic and just wishes there was more he could do to help.

“Amber is great — she is a ‘crying outside of a bar’ artist. I’ve seen her pull off a two-hour straight marathon cry during which she’d sometimes want me outside with her, and then immediately tell me it’s O.K. to just go back inside with MY friends. And this was at her birthday party. It was like Jordan’s flu game,” said Little. “Is the threat of COVID worth so much loss? I mean, how many years does she even have left to scream at me across a crowded parking lot?”

While the world is struggling to find its footing in the “new normal,” experts warn that the loss of evolutionary human traits may have long term effects.

“These are behaviors found throughout human history. Going to the bathroom in pairs, crying and hating your best friend out of nowhere… it’s all a defense against rival groups,” said Dean Wentz, head of Crisis Management for the CDC. “We see similar traits in men: watching a sports game on mute, staring at your phone while someone is talking, or lying about how many beers you actually drank is a potentially deadly loss to our entire timeline. Those are things that built us. Without them, we’re lost in fucking space.”

Stevens was unavailable for further comment as she was taking a walk or needed some space or something like that.