Quiz: You Ever Get So Drunk That You Forget You’re at CVS and Also on Acid

Posted on by James Knapp

Oh man, I shouldn’t have done that last Jaegerbomb. Or the seven before that one. Or those eleven Heinekens afterward. Shit. How did I even get here? And where is here, exactly? And why are there so many brands of multivitamins? Whoa, those Flintstones chewables look real fucking groovy right now. Just dancin’ and chillin’ with dinosaurs and… oh, right! I’m at CVS. And also on acid. I keep forgetting that part.

Okay, got it. I’m drunk at CVS. And on acid. Shit, I keep forgetting. Now, why did I come here? I was at the bar and that hippie dude asked me to get him something from here and that it had something to do with that strip of paper he gave me to chew on and… FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! That was LSD! That hippy fuck totally dosed me! Shit! Wait, no. That was Phil. We were gonna drop acid tonight. I love that hippy fuck!

Okay, now what did Phil ask me to get? Man, I think I’m gonna throw up. Just need to lie on the floor for a minute and get my bearings. What did Phil want? It’s usually acid. Did I come here to get acid? We were gonna trip tonight. Maybe that’s why he needed me to go here. To get the acid. Whoa, I am really digging on this tile right now. It’s so cold and flat it’s like it’s smiling at me. Happy tile. I wonder if the tile in other aisles is as happy as here. Better crawl my way over to housewares and check it out. Maybe the other tile knows where to get the acid Phil asked me to come here to get.

This aisle looks familiar. I wonder if they ever rent this place out for shows. The acoustics are probably pretty good in here. All echoey and sounding like there’s footsteps right behind you. Uh, is there someone following me? I swear it feels like someone’s following me. Fuck, I gotta get outta here. There’s the exit. Okay, now somersault! Somersault your way towards freedom!

No, wait. Now I remember. I came here to get a new razor so I can shave for that job interview I have tomorrow. Now please show me to the personal care aisle and, yes, I would like to sign up for a CVS card today.

Punk Dies of Multiple Stab Wounds After Falling on Pin Side of Jacket

Posted on by John Dixon

SEATTLE — Local punk Branson Jones died from multiple stab wounds last week after falling onto the pin side of his jacket during a session of heavy drinking, mourners within the local DIY community confirmed.

“Well, it’s pretty cut and dry from the evidence we found at the scene,” said Clint Steele, the police detective who investigated Jones’ death. “There was roughly 30 pounds of metal, enamel, and various other materials stuck to the front of this kid’s jacket. It was only a matter of time before all that weight made them tip right over, and the kid’s body weight slamming down on those pins basically made him pop like a balloon. You don’t realize how much blood is actually inside someone until something like this happens.”

Jones’ roommate, Joey “Snake” Mason, discovered the body.

“If I told him once, I told him a million fucking times to wear a protective rubber vest under his shirt. Honestly, I don’t even know how there was any fabric left between the pins,” Mason said. “Every week, a couple more pins would come in, like he had signed up for a subscription box or something. So he just kept adding pins until the jacket was like some indestructible chitinous exoskeleton. Yes, it made him basically stab-proof from an outside attacker, but he was so vulnerable just below the surface. He paid the ultimate price for such a badass looking piece of outerwear.”

Ginny Wheeler, an artisanal pin maker whose Etsy shop Jones frequently patronized, said she was all too familiar with this type of death.

“Yeah, I’ve been subpoenaed in several different investigations at this point, because I make the biggest, heaviest pins on the market, and people have a tendency to fall over on them and end up dead,” Wheeler said from her studio. “They’ve tried to charge me with murder, manslaughter, and reckless endangerment, but what they always fail to realize is I’ve got a ‘wear at your own risk’ clause in the fine print of my shop and it’s pretty airtight, unlike some of my former clients.”

At press time, Jones’ family was arguing about whether it was in poor taste to bury their dead relative with what was simultaneously his prized possession and instrument of death.

Crowdfunded Bottle Opener ‘Indestructible’ for Some Reason

Posted on by Ben Doyle

PALO ALTO, Calif. — Designers of the hyper-masculine bottle opener, BottleBRUTALIZER, announced on Kickstarter earlier this week that the product would be “virtually indestructible,” citing photos of the bottle opener being hit with an oversized sledgehammer. 

“This isn’t some namby-pamby beachside bottle opener, m’kay?” said BottleBRUTALIZER’s lead engineer, Chet Chesterson. “This bitch is made out of submarine-grade titanium. That means it can survive a torpedo attack. It can open literally any bottle. C’mon. Name a bottle. Beer? Yeah, it can open that. Power of titanium, baby. It can also be used as a blunt weapon.”

Having raised over 28 dollars in just under a month, BottleBRUTALIZER seems to have struck a chord with its target audience.

“Finally, a bottle opener for me,” said Patrick Morgan, a supporter of BottleBRUTALIZER’s $25 ‘True Bottle Bro’ tier. “My bottle openers are always being destroyed. I literally can’t go a month without one of my bottle openers melting or being spontaneously engulfed in flames. I guess I shouldn’t be drinking so much at my iron refinery job, but y’know, nobody’s perfect.”

Identifying the untapped potential of BottleBRUTALIZER’s underlying technology, the US Department of Defense has announced intentions to buy Chesterson out.

“We simply can’t let this sort of technology fall into the wrong hands,” said Ellen M. Lord, Under Secretary of Defense for Acquisition and Sustainment. “The Department of Defense has every confidence that well-intentioned American civilians could open some truly spectacular bottles with this product, but we need to be clear about the risks. Imagine if ISIS came into possession of a titanium bottle opener, or if Antifa could open any bottle that they came into contact with? It would spell the end of democracy as we know it.”

At press time, Chesterson added a reward which lets fans have lunch with him if they contribute $25,000 to the project.

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“With Great Power, Comes No Responsibility,” Cop Tells Spider-Man

Posted on by Tyler Simpson

NEW YORK — New York police officer David Whitehead pulled Spider-Man aside today after teaming up to beat up a group of low-level drug dealers to espouse a lengthy diatribe that “with great power, comes no responsibility.”

“Look Spider-Man, I don’t know what you’ve heard but you actually don’t have to feel responsible for your actions at all,” explained Whitehead. “In most cases, you’re basically rewarded for whatever it is you end up doing. It’s pretty great. Do you have a body cam or anything like that? Because you can just throw that thing away, really, nobody’s gonna care.”

“The thing about guys like us is that we’re heroes no matter what,” Whitehead explained. “So maybe you blow up a building stopping the Vulture, or I murder a civilian in cold blood because I  accidentally showed up at the wrong house, but at the end of the day, we’re the good guys and everybody knows it! So they tell ya to take a few months off on vacation and you come back with a tan. Do you get PTO for being Spider-Man? You gotta unionize with the other one or something, try to fight the city to be able to use guns or some shit.”

“That’s my favorite thing about great power,” Whitehead added. “That it comes with absolutely no responsibility.”

After his confrontation with Spider-Man in Harlem, Whitehead arrested a nearby teenager named Miles Morales for a minor traffic violation.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

We can all agree that video games have a lot of potential for good; they improve your reflexes, hone your block-based puzzle skills, and are a good way to scientifically settle if Rambo could beat a Xenomorph’s ass. But as you’ll see from this week’s comments, the influence of video games can be less wholesome:

5. Teen Inspired to Reenact Video Game Violence in Real Life Can’t Get Seed Funding to Build Roller Coaster

It’s hard enough to convince the homeowner’s association that your neighbor David should be imprisoned in a concrete cage (especially after stealing his pool ladder), but it’s another issue altogether to find a discrete contractor willing to do wet work. You’re better off just waiting for them to die of natural causes, like by a wishing well, or maybe a mummy’s curse.

4. Amidst DMCA Controversy, Professional Mime Becomes Top Twitch Streamer

For those who are unaware, John Cage’s “4’33” is four minutes and thirty-three seconds of nothing but silence. It is also notable for being the boss theme for a long, unfair human life. You don’t need to check out the extended edition on YouTube — you’re living it, baby!

3. 2. 1. Man Who Did Dishes Rewards Self With 8-Hour Gaming Binge

Wanna clean your home? Here’s our guide: Move out of your house and live underneath the air hockey table of your local barcade. You can live off of popcorn and hot dogs (nice), play video games all day and employees will have to clean up after you seeing as you’re the most loyal customer they have.

The power to pee anywhere is wasted on and abused by cis men. This guy recreated the water cycle using the worst soda and his own body. If this is what he does with a 2-liter, I’d hate to see what he does with a Pringles can.

It’s heartwarming to see comments like this, and know that developers from CDProjekt Red follow Hard Drive. I hope that one day you accomplish your bohemian dreams — just please, stay away from Scott’s Mountain Dew bottles.

Thank you so much to everyone who commented this week! If you were featured, reward yourself with a gaming binge — you’ve earned it. If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone!

Our Top 5 Ween Songs and What Chemical Inhalants To Pair Them With

Posted on by Jay Chanoine

When you first start developing an interest in a band with a long history and vast discography, it can be intimidating to know where to start. This becomes even more true in the case of Ween, considering their musical genre is likely to change dramatically from song to song, much less across different albums. Add to this the fact that you should be huffing one of many harmful chemical compounds to really get the most out of your listening experience and you’ve got a daunting task ahead of you.

Here is our definitive reference guide of the best Ween song/airborne toxin combos that will leave you tapping your feet and cradling your throbbing skull in the fetal position.

5. “Roses Are Free” / Keyboard Duster

Both standard points of entry for newcomers, these are your mainstream accessible gateways into both the world of Gener ‘n Deaner and that of Allison from that classic episode of Intervention. If you are indeed going in blind, we recommend headphones for optimal listening and a pile of pillows or blankets in case you pass out.

4. “Pork Roll Egg and Cheese” / Scotchgard

The band may have stated many times that abusing the fabric protection chemical was intended to be a joke, but that’s clearly just a major record label trying to save face and avoid lawsuits. The only real question here is whether you prefer the aromatics of the Fabric & Carpet or Heavy Duty flavor varieties.

3. “The Fucked Jam” / After Bite

Both tending to be a bit much for the uninitiated, this combination will have your ears tingling and the nerves on the back of your eye twitching like the inflatable man outside of a used car lot. The song’s one-two punch of nagging synthesizer and growling bass blends perfectly with the insect bite relief of Ammonia and Glycerin.

2. “Mushroom Festival in Hell” / Plastikote Spray Paint

This one’s a bit tricky to pull off since the proper variety of spray paint has been discontinued for quite some time, but if you’re able to track it down strap in for a wild ride through the Oneness. What color you go for is up to you, but we suggest a deep red or burgundy so that you have reasonable deniability when you start puking up blood.


1. “Shamemaker” / Shockbutter

A relative newcomer to the scene. The prep time of combining Vicks VapoRub, hydrogen peroxide and Altoids in a food processor and whipping until smooth is a turnoff to some, but it’s well worth the effort for serious huff-heads. Smear the mixture on the inside of a halloween mask for easy huffing that leaves your hands free to crank up the volume on this undisputable jam.

Editor’s Note: At pressing, the author was being rushed to intensive care and our prayers are with Boognish for a fast and steady recovery.

Coworker Called Out for Gutting, Scaling, Microwaving Fish in Office Breakroom

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

BOWIE, Md. — The staff of Free State Digital are reportedly at their wits end over sales rep John Morris’s habit of microwaving, gutting, and cleaning fish in the office breakroom.

“We all suspected John was the one causing all the weird smells in the kitchen. No one wanted to call him out without proof… but then one afternoon, I walk in and the motherfucker is fileting a bass on the floor like he’s goddamn Bear Grylls or something,” reported irate coworker Alyssa Gomez. “The pile of fish guts in the trash can is really starting to stink, and it’d be nice to open the fridge for once without a bunch of fishheads staring back at me. This is worse than the weekend I caught him slaughtering chickens in the conference room.”

Complaints to H.R. manager Margaret O’Neill have reportedly been in vain.

“I don’t like it anymore than the rest of the staff, but, legally, I can’t tell him not to do this,” an exasperated O’Neil stated. “Morris has the right to eat what he wants for lunch at work, and as long as it’s not putting anyone else’s health or safety at risk, we have to be accommodating. I suggested he do the gutting and scaling before he came to the office, but he told me he’d gone fishing that morning before work and didn’t have time to go home and do that since he was already on final tardiness warning. My hands were sort of tied there.”

For his part, Morris was adamant that he was doing nothing wrong.

“Jesus, what a bunch of fucking babies… it doesn’t even smell that bad. You’ll get used to it eventually,” said an incredulous Morris as he decapitated another fish with a cleaver. “Did I say anything when Jill brought that yappy fucking dog in the office? I’m sorry if saving the heads to make a stock offends some people around here. And as far as the guts are concerned, I’ll throw those out when the can is full. It’s called being green, you fucking idiots.”

Morris then excused himself as he remembered there was a deer in the copy room he needed to field dress.

Opinion: If Parler Is Conservative Facebook, Then What the Fuck Is Facebook?

Posted on by Dan Rice

In the days following Donald Trump’s election loss, droves of conservatives have left Facebook in favor of so-called “alternative” social media sites with Parler quickly rising to the forefront. With an emphasis on “free speech,” Parler’s users are emboldened to actively engage in racism, bigotry, and misinformation without fear of consequence. So like, it’s Facebook?

Parler dunking on Facebook for having conservative representation is like Pepsi dunking on Coca Cola for having high fructose corn syrup. You’re both full of that nasty shit. What the fuck are you talking about?

If Facebook isn’t conservative then why the fuck do I even know who Ben Shapiro is? Why have I seen Alex Jones scream about fluoride turning frogs gay until his head almost exploded? Why am I completely versed in the conspiracy theory that Donald Trump is secretly hunting down far-left satanic baby eaters within our government? I never sought out any of this information but there it is in my brain because we use Facebook to communicate. Seems like a pretty well-oiled conservative propaganda machine. Why mess with perfection?

You’re trying to tell me that Parler is more conservative than a place where I’m routinely called a “libtarded cuck” for saying internment camps are bad? I’ll just go ahead and skip the obvious question of “Why?” Let’s go straight to “How?!”

How do you escalate that? Does Parler allow it’s users to shove the stun baton they bought at an army surplus store though the internet itself so it pops out of my screen and brands the words “All Lives Matter” into my forehead?

Facebook has already done a pretty bang-up job of radicalizing my uncle into the far-right. He doesn’t believe in Coronavirus and he’s dead.

It is literally impossible to use Facebook and not be bombarded with right-wing horse shit. Even if you block every aunt, uncle, and high school friend it still shows up in your feed because your fellow well-intentioned liberals won’t stop arguing with trolls in the comments! Great woke meme, dude. You really shut down that Russian bot. Totally worth exposing every one of your contacts to misinformation!

No matter where you stand politically the last thing anyone needs right now is another social media website. We need to collectively unplug, heal the divide, and focus on what’s really important: Shapeshifting reptiles from the center of the earth stealing our precious semen.

Trump Sneaks His Own Name into This Year’s Turkey Pardoning Ceremony

Posted on by Stephen Bell

WASHINGTON — Onlookers at the traditional Thanksgiving White House turkey pardoning ceremony were left unsurprised today after President Trump attempted to sneak his own name onto the list of turkeys receiving pardons.

“First off, it’s totally fake news that I’d try to sneak my name into this year’s turkey pardon,” said President Trump. “I didn’t sneak anything in, because I openly inserted my name into the pardon list, and it’s a great name, folks. One of the best names. This little thing called the Constitution says I can pardon whoever I want, O.K.? I mean, I’m pardoning a bunch of turkeys, and their crimes are probably a lot worse than mine, believe me. Some of these turkeys are real nasty birds — some of them should be locked up, to be honest. At the end of the day, I don’t need a pardon, but as long as Democrats are trying to persecute me and these innocent turkeys, I will use my power to get results.”

“If any of the turkeys voted for me, they can live,” Trump added. “All the others need to die.”

Reporter Aaron Conklin was among the bemused witnesses.

“The President was making a big show of reading off the names of the turkeys before mumbling under his breath, ‘Donald J. Trump is pardoned of all crimes against America,’ and hoping nobody noticed,” said Conklin. “Then he brought out some official documents and tried to get the turkeys to sign the papers. When they wouldn’t, he said, ‘Well if they won’t, I will,’ and signed his name. I’ve covered every single one of these events — nobody has ever asked turkeys to sign their own waivers.”

Legal scholar Becky Gunn questioned whether the move was even constitutional.

“If you were to ask the founding fathers if a President could pardon themself, I think they’d laugh in your face,” opined Gunn. “They’d probably also ask what Thanksgiving is, why black people are free, and what the hell a turkey pardon is. Regardless, there’s no way he could do this and have it hold up in court — it’s a turkey pardon. Unless he’s trying to reclassify himself as a turkey for shirking taxes… I think that’s one of the excuses he used to dodge the draft.”

Immediately after the ceremony, members of President Trump’s inner circle scrambled to hire the lawyers who defended the turkeys once they realized that treason is still considered a prosecutable crime.

MCU Stars Unite to Defend That Song Jeremy Renner Put Out Last Year

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — A few weeks after uniting to defend costar Chris Pratt’s controversial religious and political affiliations, the stars of the Marvel Cinematic Universe films today banded together to defend that song Jeremy Renner put out last year. 

“Look, it’s not that we necessarily love the song, or even that whole style of music, whatever that style of music would be called,” said Don Cheadle, talking about Renner’s single ‘Heaven Ain’t Got A Name,’ released last year. “It’s more about us supporting our friend and saying, ‘Yes, look, this is a truly inexplicable decision, but surely no single completely disappointing, confounding thing should make a person entirely redeemable, right?”

The song was released last year, amidst a bizarre year for Renner that also saw the release of an app focused mostly on providing Jeremy Renner related updates.

“I never thought I would write and record a song in my life,” said Renner. “But then I had that unforgettable night. When I met the woman whose lips tasted like lipstick and Tanqueray, standing there dancing to the jukebox, I knew no one would believe me if I told this story in any other way. I would like to thank my brothers and sisters in the MCU for having my back while the world comes to terms with the fact that I put this song out there last year. Like you can straight up go find it and listen to it right now.”

Despite being a clear departure from the musical tastes of most of his Marvel costars, many took to their social media accounts to defend the soulless attempt at an Imagine Dragons style crossover hit.

“It’s ok if your song sucks shit,” said Mark Ruffalo on Twitter earlier today. “What matters is that we are all voting in the midterm elections.” 

As of press time, Ruffalo, Cheadle, and many others had released a black and white viral internet video featuring them singing ‘Heaven Ain’t Got A Name.’

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