In the newest episode of The Hard Drive Podcast, Mark and Jeremy write and perform an original episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show! that parodies the 2004 Mel Gibson film The Passion of the Christ — a movie that neither of them ever cares to actually see. They write the entire episode live on the podcast with no ideas beforehand! Watch the process on YouTube or download the audio with any podcast app.
MUNICH — Luxury car manufacturer BMW will finally implement turn signals in all of their vehicles by 2022, according to a press release sent out earlier today.
“We are always looking to push the driving experience to the next level. It is in this spirit that we’re proud to announce that within the next two years, all of our vehicles will have state of the art ‘turn signals’ installed,” said BMW CEO Oliver Zipse. “Our drivers will now have the option to let other people know in which lateral direction they intend to move. Yes, this feature means the driver seat bidet will have to wait, but we believe it’ll be worth it.”
So far, current BMW owners’ have been lukewarm about the shift, feeling turn signals will devalue the brand.
“I bought a Beemer for one thing, and one thing only: to let everyone on the road that I’m better than them. It’s always been my assumption that when people see me coming down the road they’ll just get the hell out of my way,” said BMW owner Michael Staglioni of Marlboro, N.J. “Now I have to look at this extra ugly handle coming out of my steering wheel, like I’m some fucking clod? I might as well be driving a Toyota Corolla with all this shit cluttering my line of sight.”
The U.S. Department of Transportation celebrated the changes, but was cautious about the potential for change amongst BMW drivers’ habits.
“While we’re pleased that they’ve implemented this technology that has existed for more than 60 years, it may not be enough to curb the negative image BMW drivers have cultivated. We want to believe drivers will do the right thing, but for this type of driver, safe driving in one area will likely result in other negative behaviors,” said DOT spokesperson Roxy Brader. “We’re expecting, at minimum, an increase in drivers leaning on the horn one second after a light turns green, tailgating in the left hand lane while going 20 mph over the speed limit, and throwing fast food bags out of their windows.”
BMW also announced that by 2024, all of their vehicles will be able to be driven under 80 miles per hour.
LOS ANGELES — Seminal hair metal band Mötley Crüe finally revealed yesterday the deeper meaning to the enigmatic song “Girls, Girls, Girls” after over 30 years of being shrouded in mystery.
“We always considered Mötley Crüe to be a poetic band, and we wanted people to make their own interpretations of our lyrics. But it’s time for us to finally put the rumors to rest,” said bassist Nikki Sixx while putting hair spray in his soul patch. “I’ve heard people say the song is about economic disparity, that it’s an allegory for the love a parent has for their child, and even that it’s secret Satanic code. But the truth is that it’s about very, very attractive women who take their clothes off for money, and with whom we wanted to have sexual relations. I know people might not buy that given the intricacies of the words, but it’s true.”
Many fans continue to assign meaning to the song despite the stunning revelation of its true intent.
“I firmly believe that the chanting of ‘girls’ in threes is rooted from the Triple Goddess archetype — you know, the embodiment of the mother, the maiden, and the crone rolled into one,” said ’80s metal scholar Cynthia Kosters. “We just can’t figure out why, though. I know Sixx is inspired by the works of Thomas Hobbes and Kierkegaard — perhaps there are clues in some of their later works that will give us an answer.”
Famous music historian Dr. Xavier Mulkern wrote a book interpreting the song and its statement on capitalism.
“The song, from my research, is clearly about anxieties for where the country was headed — they created this hypersigil of sorts, in hopes to change things for the better. The classic symbol of freedom, the Statue of Liberty, is a girl after all. Our country is not the only free one, therefore there are many ‘girls’ that the song is about,” said Dr. Mulkern. “The locations discussed in the lyrics — Tropicana, The Dollhouse, B-B-Body Shop — must all be secret government locations discussed in ‘The Morning of the Magicians’ by Louis Pauwels and Jacques Bergier. The motorcycles heard at the beginning, meanwhile, are the modern day four horsemen coming to ruin everything if we don’t fix ourselves.”
In related news, drummer Tommy Lee revealed the song “Dr. Feelgood” was not about a drug dealer, but was actually the name of his personal podiatrist.
SAN DIEGO ー Male coworkers of local woman Cleo Thomas discovered yesterday that months of her small talk and general human decency amounted to “nothing” after she wore a Pride shirt to her office last week and came out as gay, debunking claims that she had been flirting with them for months.
“I was shocked to hear Cleo was a lesbian. I thought, ‘There’s no way that chick likes chicks,’ because she’s been flirting with me all year,” said coworker Vince Vickers, who recalled several provocative acts on Thomas’ part including smiling, adding occasional smiley face emojis in emails, and genuinely caring about other people’s general well-being. “She once gave me a pen when mine ran out of ink, and she also told me ‘good morning’ more than once. Like, c’mon! No one wants my number ‘for work related purposes only.’”
“If they’re not interested, they shouldn’t be nice,” he added. “How else are we supposed to know if they want to fuck us, or at least get a late evening dick pic? We’re not goddamn mind readers.”
For her part, Thomas does not view her actions as provocative, claiming she was always acting out of basic human decency rather than sexual interest.
“Women shouldn’t limit their own kindness because of how men might interpret it. Good manners aren’t a green light,” Thomas stated. “Men so badly want to believe they are desirable that they can’t see when a woman is just not interested. Once, I even point blank told a guy, ‘I play for the other team,’ and all he said was, ‘I love a woman who knows sports.’”
Sociologist Dr. Ronald Moore, author of the bestselling book Does No Really Mean No?, explained Thomas is not the only woman giving off “mixed signals.”
“According to my research, 92% of signals are misinterpreted between men and women, and it’s the woman’s fault 100% of the time,” explained Moore. “After extensive neurological imaging, my team has concluded that men’s brains are incapable of deciphering between flirting and genuine kindness, which makes Thomas’s situation a classic, cut and dry case of leading men on. You should’ve read the vibes she gave off in the email she sent me. Total tease.”
Considering the reaction of her male coworkers, Thomas reports being incredibly thankful she is a lesbian.
You’re at a show in some 20-something’s basement. You look to your left and see a bunch of young, hip zoomers using slang. You don’t know what any of it means but it sounds cool as fuck! You look to your right and you see some millennials ranting about some politician you’ve never heard of. You’re probably thinking, “Wow, what a great show! Not a poser in sight.” Well think again you old fuck because if you look around the venue and don’t see the poser, sorry to tell you, everyone here is looking at you and wishing your poser ass would leave so they’d feel cool again.
Sure, you spent over a decade permanently bruising your shins learning how to 360 flip but all these 22-year-olds see is a mall-grabbing narc. They’re not wrong though. At this point, the only thing you should be “dropping in” on is your kids. Why are you at this show?!
And yes, that Clash t-shirt you’re wearing was an actual tour shirt that you got as a hand-me-down gift from your uncle who got you into punk. But all the young punks see is a Hot Topic shopping poser with some kind of normie, loving family. Go home. Nobody wants you here.
Alright, alright. It may sound like you’ve taken a bad beat and you should probably cash out and go home. And, I mean, yeah you have, and, yeah you should. But on the way, let’s stop by a place where you can successfully lord your former punk cred over those who will appreciate it: hipster bars. There, you can pick all the low-hanging social fruit you can handle as you tell tales of “how it used to be” to a group of people who absolutely fucking love hearing about how things used to be.
Plus, even though your withered ass is over 30, you can still beat up a hipster! Which you will likely do when you realize they’re laughing at you too.
PHILADELPHIA — An impromptu drum solo performed by Dana “Quick Sticks” Ansen was “thoroughly enjoyed” by her, and her only, during a recent virtual show, sources directly involved with the solo confirmed.
“It was amazing! That solo made the whole show,” attested Ansen, drummer for the doom-math band Fibonacci’s Revenge. “I really channeled my inner Patty Schemel on that one. Usually I never get to do stuff like this during our sets… or at practice, for that matter. It felt good to not just bleed into the background for once.”
Despite Ansen’s exuberance, many, including online showgoer Penelope Swift, were indifferent to the eight-minute-long, mid-show cacophony.
“Oh, yeah. That was… fine,” said Swift while aimlessly scrolling through Instagram memes. “I mean, I stepped out to smoke for part of it, but the parts I did hear when I was washing my dishes in the other room were pretty cool, I guess. It probably could have been shorter, though — even an eight-minute guitar solo would be about seven-and-a-half-minutes too long, and in this case, it was basically just a girl switching between three or four different beats. So, yeah, it was great if you needed a minute to check your texts.”
For his part, Fibonacci’s Revenge frontman Ali Slothman was supportive of Ansen’s solo.
“She does so much for us, so we figured we’d throw her a bone and let her have her own solo. She’s been talking about it for a long time,” Slothman said. “You should’ve seen the look on her sweet face when we told her to go ahead with it. It’s not like it’d do any harm — people barely notice she’s there at all anyway, so why not let her feel like a real winner for a bit?”
“Just have to make sure she doesn’t get a big head about this though,” added Slothman, “we still need this goober to load out all of our gear after shows once those start happening again.”
Ansen’s parents are reportedly “very proud of their big girl.”
ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local gamer Joe Fleming is reportedly worried that Nintendo’s stunning masterpiece Breath of the Wild has ruined any chance that he’ll ever love an open world game again in his life.
“Every time I’m with another open world game, I know I’m just comparing the experience to being with her. ‘Her’ being The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, of course,” Fleming explained to friends. “Right after my thing with Zelda was over, I found myself rebounding with Horizon: Zero Dawn. Something about it reminded me of her, but… it was missing something. I don’t know if it was the no-climbing or the no-paragliding or whatever, but it just wasn’t her.”
Those close to Fleming have tried to get him back together with Breath of the WIld, but have been unsuccessful.
“I tried to go back to her, but it’s just not the same as it was in the beginning. I need that sense of exploration in a relationship,” Fleming said. “And I know she added that new DLC, but it was like she changed. Getting back into our usual rhythm was so difficult. I just don’t know what to do. I found myself with a crush on her friend, though; maybe that will lead somewhere. I haven’t really gotten to know her at all yet, but I think maybe I could have a real future with Breath of the Wild 2.”
“Other than that, though, I’m just tearing through meaningless open world games,” Fleming continued. “Skyrim, Red Dead, Witcher 3… they’re all the same. They look pretty at first, but once you get to know them, you fall into the same old routine of fetch quests and tedium.”
At press time, Fleming announced that his wife Marrissa Fleming was leaving him due to his “creepy” obsession with video games.
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SEATTLE — Local man Brian Preston failed moments ago to covertly adjust his balls, accidentally drawing the attention of everyone within his eyesight, onlookers confirmed.
“Yeah… he was definitely trying to give the fellas a bit of a move,” noted coworker David Alston. “We all definitely saw, because everyone gave each other the ‘did you see that?’ look. But I guess no one wanted to be the asshole to call him out. The funny part was, he did a fake yawn as soon as he finished down there — like that was supposed to distract us after he shook out the beans. Lord knows I’ve been there myself, but we work in an open office, so either just do it while you’re sitting under your desk, or go to the bathroom or something.”
Experts pointed to Preston’s attempts, which included pretending to check for his keys and kicking his leg out, as a drawback of the open office design.
“From decreasing productivity and creating distractions, to making our disgusting habits known to all, open offices have time and again proven to be a burden,” remarked workplace expert Susan Healey. “While cubicles are a less-than-ideal workplace environment, they did create safe spaces for workers to mine for nose gold and use company pens to dig in their ears. Sadly, with open offices, many men must awkwardly work their way to the stairwell or closet to unstick their sack from their thigh.”
Preston, when reached for comment, seemed evasive.
“What? I was just making sure I had my keycard before I went to the bathroom. I only sat back down because I remembered an email I needed to send,” Preston stammered. “Why, what are people saying? I mean, even if I was rearranging the jewels — which I was not — there’s nothing wrong with that, is there? Did a lot of people see it? Everybody does it, goddammit!”
At press time, Preston was sent home out of coronavirus fears after coughing to cover the sound of him farting.
Photo by Rick Homuth
CULVER CITY, Calif. — Former “Pimp My Ride” contestant and man currently living out of “the dopest Civic in SoCal” Russel Burns is begging the team at West Coast Customs to “re-pimp” his current home.
“My ‘92 Honda Civic hatchback was initially selected because I had no floor board on the passenger side, and I needed a screwdriver to turn the ignition. And I’d always wanted to go to Hawaii but could never afford it, so the team at West Coast Customs fixed the car up with a hot tub and blender along with striking tiki upholstery,” said Burns. “But now, I need their help again so I don’t freeze to death this winter. I really could use the upgrade — the hot tub and blender can’t run at the same time. It should be pretty convenient for the team, since they’ve already worked on it.
“Please Xzibit, I need you to pimp my house this time around,” a defeated Burns added, yelling towards a cell phone camera.
Ex-girlfriend Elisabeth Pineda acknowledged that although it’s not the best home, Burns’ ride was “pretty bitchin’” when it was first pimped and used as a car.
“That hot tub Civic was the coolest thing 15 years ago — we used to have so much fun with the karaoke machine, even though on more than one occasion I know people pissed in that tub,” said Pineda. “But that show hasn’t even been on the air for years. How could they help him? At least try hassling like, Jay Leno, or someone from HGTV or something. I don’t think West Coast Customs even exists anymore.”
While MTV does not plan to reboot the show or foot the bill for Burns’ vehicle re-pimping, it has not stopped his eager letters & emails to former “Pimp My Ride” host Xzibit.
“That guy Robert or whatever has been hanging outside my house in that car for weeks. I don’t even remember him,” claimed Xzibit. “If you listen closely enough, you can hear him yell, ‘X, I need you to Pimp My Ride again.’ I’m calling up my lawyer to get a restraining order against this motherfucker. I have a wife and kids, and they’re afraid this man might hurt them.”
Reports indicate Burns may settle for a spare tire on the rear passenger side of his home, so he can move it and avoid getting another ticket.
PHILADELPHIA — Protesters demanding an end to police brutality found themselves in an awkward situation today when they applauded riot police for mercilessly beating the guy holding a “free hugs” sign at the demonstration.
“Look, typically I oppose police violence in all its forms,” said local activist Amari Preston. “That being said, seeing that guy eat shit did put a smile on my face. I mean, I was ready to give him a lecture on what a serious issue we are up against, but the cops just did a way better job of that than I ever could have. And they used a lot of their pepper spray on him, so now we don’t have to worry that they’ll hit us with that bullshit for no reason.”
Witnesses considered intervening when they saw the sign-holding dolt approach heavily armed riot police in an ill-conceived attempt to ease tensions, but ultimately waited to see how things would play out.
“That ‘free hugs’ shit was cute like 10 years ago, but talk about missing the fucking point now,” said community organizer Aaliyah Lewis. “Oh, you thought you were helping? Guess what, dumbass, the solution isn’t for everyone to get along – it’s to impose accountability onto an unaccountable institution, and that’s not going to be achieved through kindness. All the hugs in the world aren’t going to prevent police from murdering people in the streets and getting away with it every fucking time.”
“I’m sure the full body cast he ends up in will feel sort of like a hug,” Lewis added. “Happy now, idiot?”
Lt. Vincent DiStefano was one of the officers on duty and the first to pummel the would-be unifier.
“I was getting ready to call for backup once the cell phone cameras started coming out, but then I heard the cheers,” said DiStefano. “We’ve been dealing with these agitators all year, but this is the first time I’ve felt a real sense of unity with them. It’s nice to know that even in these unprecedented times, we can put aside our differences, even if just for a moment, to enjoy the thorough beating of a complete dumbass.”
After beating the pacifist, police declared the event an unlawful assembly and fired more tear gas into the crowd than was used during the entire Battle of the Somme.
