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Attempt at Discreetly Adjusting Balls Noticed by Everyone

SEATTLE — Local man Brian Preston failed moments ago to covertly adjust his balls, accidentally drawing the attention of everyone within his eyesight, onlookers confirmed.

“Yeah… he was definitely trying to give the fellas a bit of a move,” noted coworker David Alston. “We all definitely saw, because everyone gave each other the ‘did you see that?’ look. But I guess no one wanted to be the asshole to call him out. The funny part was, he did a fake yawn as soon as he finished down there — like that was supposed to distract us after he shook out the beans. Lord knows I’ve been there myself, but we work in an open office, so either just do it while you’re sitting under your desk, or go to the bathroom or something.”

Experts pointed to Preston’s attempts, which included pretending to check for his keys and kicking his leg out, as a drawback of the open office design.

“From decreasing productivity and creating distractions, to making our disgusting habits known to all, open offices have time and again proven to be a burden,” remarked workplace expert Susan Healey. “While cubicles are a less-than-ideal workplace environment, they did create safe spaces for workers to mine for nose gold and use company pens to dig in their ears. Sadly, with open offices, many men must awkwardly work their way to the stairwell or closet to unstick their sack from their thigh.”

Preston, when reached for comment, seemed evasive.

“What? I was just making sure I had my keycard before I went to the bathroom. I only sat back down because I remembered an email I needed to send,” Preston stammered. “Why, what are people saying? I mean, even if I was rearranging the jewels — which I was not — there’s nothing wrong with that, is there? Did a lot of people see it? Everybody does it, goddammit!”

At press time, Preston was sent home out of coronavirus fears after coughing to cover the sound of him farting.

Photo by Rick Homuth