Robert Smith Leaves Flaming Bag of Fried Chicken on Morrissey’s Porch Again

Posted on by Ben Friedman

LONDON — The Cure founder and noted prankster Robert Smith left another flaming bag of fried chicken on Morrissey’s doorstep last night, sources close to the singers allege.

“I can’t believe he fell for it again — this is twice in a month! He deserves it for calling me a whingebag in the 80s and then spending the next 30 years literally moaning into a microphone and canceling shows because the sun was too bright or whatever. Hypocrite,” said Smith, peering out from behind a bush 50 yards from Morrissey’s front door. “This is just one of my little, poetic ways of screwing with him. Once in 1996, I tricked him into attending a Spice Girls show — he was so excited when he saw all of the Union Jack flags, he thought he was at a pro-England rally.”

Morrissey, visibly shaken from stomping out the flaming bag of meat, has suspected for years that Smith has been torturing him.

“It was that Blackpool arsehole — I know that fright wig of his from anywhere, skulking in the darkness. Why couldn’t he just put shit in the bag like a normal person?” said Morrissey while clutching a cricket bat and staring out the window. “To have those innocent souls set ablaze and trampled underfoot. Such indignity! So what if I trashed him in the press for a decade? I’ve never done anything in my life to deserve this.”

While Scotland Yard responded to Morrissey’s frantic 999 call, they were confident further action would not be necessary.

“While it does appear Morrissey is being targeted, we’ve little reason to believe that the culprit is the lead singer of a universally beloved goth band. If anything, it’s just neighborhood children playing pranks on an old man,” said constable Terry Worthingham. “We’ve been called several times to this address for acts of mischief in the last month, and each time he has either blamed Mr. Smith or immigrants.”

Smith was later seen in a telephone booth with singer Siouxsie Sioux, each stifling their laughter as they called Morrissey pretending to be Johnny Marr and saying “Meat is Murder” was the worst song he’s ever written.

Opinion: These Good Good McEl-Boys Have Infected My Word Brain and It Suuuuuuucks

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

Helloooooo, and welcome to My Article, My Article, and Me, an op-ed column for the mod-ren era. I’m your Hard Drive columnist, Author McEl-Boy, and — hey, just real quick, folks — I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve been binge-listening to a lot of My Brother, My Brother, and Me lately and ever since then, these good good McEl-Boys have gotten all up inside of my word brain and replaced the way I enunciate words with their parlance and now I’m completely trapped like this and it — no joke — it fuckin’ suuuuuuuuuucks.

Seriously, I’m not joking. Let’s just send jokes out of the room for a second. Go on, get outta here, jokes. And don’t get me wrong, mon frère — when I first woke up like this yesterday, I thought it would be great for my career! I love the McElroy family of podcasts, and I figured my metamorphosis into a pseudo-McElroy meant I could finally become a beloved internet personality like Justin, Travis and Griffin and finally make my meemaw and pap-pap proud. But ever since I started mimicking those good good boys, all of my friends have suddenly packed their bags and moved away. Everyone I know has abandoned me. I am an empty shell of a man. Hot dang!

By far the worst part of this is that I’ve written into MBMBaM several times already trying to ask for the brothers’ help to undo the curse their diction has placed on my psyche. I can’t stop talking like them if I tried, and even when I try to write down what I’m feeling, I slip into their delightfully silly trademark banter-y style. I feel like Frasier in the middle of one of his classic escapades and Garfield on a Monday morning all rolled into one. Hey, what if Garfield and Frasier traded places? I bet it would sound something…like this!

Oh no, it’s happening again! The transformation has begun! Quick, get away before I start free-associating for the next 50 minutes! This has been a cry for help, kiss your dad squuuuuuuuare on the lips!

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Next Kingdom Hearts Game to Feature all the Racist Cats from ‘The Aristocats’

Posted on by Ed Smith

TOKYO — In honor of the classic Disney film’s 50th anniversary, publisher Square-Enix announced in a press release today that the next installment of the Kingdom Hearts franchise will include all of the racist cats from The Aristocats.

“Kingdom Hearts has always been about celebrating the magic of Disney, and that includes the racist cats from The Aristocats, even that Chinese one with the buck teeth and chopsticks,” explained Dec Hubbard, vice-president of marketing at Square Enix of America. “The cool thing about working in game development is that everybody just absolutely loves everything we do. Or at least, that’s what my staff tells me — I don’t allow myself to look at the internet.”

Sensing opportunity, other video game developers have been quick to cash-in on the emerging market for old, racist cartoons. 

“For Epic Mickey 3, we’re taking inspiration from the Kingdom Hearts team and really trying to go back to our roots,” said Robert Weaver, vice-president of marketing at Disney Interactive Studios. “Mickey in Arabia, Mickey in the Deep South, Mickey in the jungle — all the big ones, all the hits. I showed all of those old Mickey cartoons to my niece the other day and she said they were ‘absolutely unbelievable’. That’s exactly the kind of reaction I want to inspire in our players.

Other industry insiders have been more critical, arguing that the Kingdom Hearts news represents a step backwards for politics in games. 

“We don’t want racist caricatures of cats,” argued Zach Anderson, podcaster and editor for online publication The Objective Gamer. “We want racist caricatures of people. That’s what video games are really about.”

Square Enix is set to announce further additions to the Kingdom Hearts franchise, including a remaster of the original game starring Goofy, Donald Duck and Mickey from an alternate universe where the Nazis won the war.

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Amazon Prime Auto-Renew Patiently Waits to Ruin Woman’s Financial Plans

Posted on by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

CHICAGO — Local hair stylist Anna Yun’s carefully budgeted plans for the month were derailed again yesterday by her Amazon Prime membership’s automatic renewal, marking the fourth year in a row that she’s forgotten to cancel the service.

“Mother fucking shit. It happened again,” Yun muttered angrily while moving money from her savings to her checking account. “One minute I’m planning out my Christmas presents for my mom, and then, bam! Bezos absolutely fucks me again. Doesn’t that bald sack of shit have enough money already? There’s no way it’s been an entire year already, right? I hope his fucking Tesla explodes.”

Many users forget when their memberships are set to renew, leaving them “fucked beyond belief” after the surprise charges, as several frustrated Amazon reviewers put it.

“I initially signed up to get free shipping on a pillow I ordered back in 2011… and I don’t know how, but the day before the renewal always slips past me, despite me insisting that I’ll definitely remember it,” said chronic Prime subscriber Darren Blank while vowing to cancel his membership as soon as possible for the ninth consecutive year. “It’s a total scam. I mean, ‘Mrs. Maisel’ was okay, but other than that, fuck this whole company. If I didn’t have my entire skincare routine and most of my food on Prime subscription plans, I’d cancel this goddamn membership today.”

For their part, Amazon insisted their policy of accidentally overdrafting thousands of users’ accounts every day is “totally not on purpose.”

“Look, we don’t want to bog down our members with pesky notifications about renewals or yearly price hikes,” said Amazon spokesperson Dana Fletcher. “We think our users would much rather hear about new episodes of our Emmy-winning original series ‘Fleabag.’ Have you watched ‘Fleabag?’ A lot of people really love ‘Fleabag.’ Surely you don’t want to cancel your membership before you plow through that in one evening, right?”

Scrambling for funds yet again, Yun is now adamant about supporting small businesses over large corporations. “These billionaire bastards aren’t getting another dime from me,” she insisted. “From now on, I’m shopping at Target.”

Christian Bale Trying to Convince Courtney Love to Kill Him In Prep for New Role in Kurt Cobain Biopic

Posted on by Evan Caris

SEATTLE — Method actor Chrstian Bale is preparing to star in a biopic based on famed Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain’s life by learning to sing and play guitar, developing a taste for heroin, and begging Courtney Love to murder him, sources who still haven’t gotten over grunge confirmed.

“To be honest, outside of a few Nirvana hits, I didn’t know much about Kurt before taking this role,” Bale said in between reminding everyone that he is, in fact, British. “People call me a method actor, but I just want to do the job right. I started doing some research online, and the Internet convinced me that Courtney killed him, so the obvious next step was to pursue her and have her kill me, too.”

“Audiences are tired of actors who don’t fully commit to the role,” Bale added, removing the needle and tourniquet from his arm.

Director and frequent collaborator David O. Russell was pleased Bale reached the “obvious conclusion” that Love killed Cobain.

“Bale’s a pretty decent guy, but he doesn’t truly hate women like I do, so I was afraid I’d have to convince him Kurt didn’t commit suicide. Thank god for the Internet,” Russell said while groping a female staffer before phoning Lily Tomlin so he can scream at her again.

Love herself reported that Bale was outside her home yesterday, demanding to talk or be murdered right there.

“I refused to let him in, but I did speak with Christian by phone. Once again, let me say: I didn’t fucking kill the father of my child. I know Kurt’s male fans want me to be some evil harpy bitch who destroyed their fragile hero rather than accept that Kurt was a deeply flawed man suffering from chronic physical health issues, depression, and a severe drug addiction,” Love explained. “It’s all so sexist. Like, why are there no conspiracies about Amy Winehouse’s death? Anyway, after some time, I did convince Christian that Kurt committed suicide. He seemed weirdly calm about it, though.”

Bale was last seen purchasing a shotgun from a Dick’s Sporting Goods.

Man Enters Tenth Year of Waiting to Be in Good Enough Headspace to Try Acid

Posted on by Billy Patterson

PHILADELPHIA — Local resident Daniel Mayfield is now in his 10th consecutive year of waiting to be in a good enough state-of-mind to try LSD, already anxious sources confirmed.

“I bought a few tabs fresh out of college, and I was really excited to try it,” said Mayfield. “But with my job, adult responsibilities, and general sense of dread, there hasn’t been a day since then when I wasn’t too stressed-out or anxiety-ridden to trip. I want my first time to be a good experience, but it’s been a rough decade mentally. And now that I’m in my 30s, I don’t feel that great physically, either.”

Mayfield’s roommate Amanda Garcia is tired of his ongoing hesitance to ingest the drug.

“That acid’s been in the freezer since we moved in. He keeps saying he’s gonna do it, but he always makes excuses: he’s too tired, he’s too depressed, his dad just died, the boiler’s leaking… I wish he would just do it already,” Garcia stated. “It’s not like a bad trip would be that much worse than his average day — he questions the meaning of life and stares at the ceiling for hours when he’s sober as it is. All that’s really gonna change is that he might forget how to use his phone or fold blankets for a few hours. Not a huge shift.”

Mayfield’s low spirits and reluctance to try mind-expanding drugs are not uncommon among adults, according to local dealer Donnie Santilli.

“Everybody is too busy, or depressed, or ‘worried about the news’ to trip lately. The only people who want acid these days are the ones who microdose so they can be more productive when they work from home. Or so they claim,” Santilli explained. “And they only buy a few tabs at a time. I’m telling you, 2020 has been a bad year for psychedelics. I’m selling a shitload of Xanax and weed, but I can’t give acid away.”

For his part, Mayfield remains optimistic about trying LSD one day. “Once COVID is over, Trump is gone, the weather gets better, my sales numbers go up, I lose some weight and find a girlfriend, my anxiety improves, both of my parents die, and my upstairs neighbor moves out,” he said, “I’m sure I’ll be happy enough to try it.”

Opinion: I Can’t Help You Raise Kids Because I Don’t Believe in a Patriarchy

Posted on by Shea Strauss

If I raise my own children, am I not enabling a patriarchal society upon their impressionable minds? Children are our future, and they need to imagine a life without men always in authority.

If you want, I can ask my Aunt Helen to help out, instead. She’s not doing much, she’s just a nurse. Imagine how empowered my offspring will be if they see two female figures raising them. I would never force my children to live in a traditional two-parent household. Not everyone is cisgender or straight. Our world is beautifully diverse. So why would I want my children to only be exposed to such a narrow view of what constitutes a family?

Change has to start at home.

As a proud male feminist ally, I understand that men can be oppressive. And that’s why I think my male presence would simply undercut your naturally maternal offerings.

In the words of yes kween Ruth Bader Ginsberg, “True equality cannot be achieved until women run everything.” Or something like that. And who am I, a mere straight man who cannot begin to understand the oppression of women, to argue with RBG? I humbly and submissively retire my role as patriarch to history where it belongs.

The children can call me “Peter” or “Cool Pete” or “Uncle Petey,” but “Dad?” No thanks, gross. I don’t want to give them daddy issues.

This situation reminds me of when I liberated your mind from the bondage of monogamy at the beginning of our marriage. Society tells us we must live one way, but if two hot 18-year-olds invite me into a threesome, isn’t it anti-feminist and sex-negative to deny them that pleasure? You were skeptical at first then as well, labeling it as the outdated, monoganormative term “cheating.” But you grew to see that my sexual liberation liberates women everywhere.

And I’d like to think, in a similar way, that you’ll grow to see my refusal to parent as an act of defiance against archaic roles. What is fatherhood but The Man dictating to a child how to live their life? I will not stand for that. I will not bow down to tradition just because society and the law tell me to.

That’s not to say I don’t want kids. I’m a philanthropist, after all, and would love to save some kid from Africa. All that to say, yes, honey, I will adopt a child with you. As long as you do all the work.

I mean, I’ll let you know if you’re doing it wrong, but like, that’s it.

Wu-Tang Fan Gives Every Wedding Guest a Verse in His Vows

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

PLYMOUTH, Ind. — Last week’s wedding of Carson Kauffman and Casey Urbanski took a surprisingly dope turn when every single guest got to spit an ill verse during the groom’s wedding vows, stoked-ass sources confirmed.

“Weddings are celebrations where families come together, and I couldn’t think of a better way to start a new Kauffman dynasty than with everybody doin’ a feature on my vows foreva’,” said the Kauffman from an unprompted, poorly posed b-boy stance. “Besides, why have a hype man when you have a whole hype clan, man? Damn!”

Maid of honor Erin Urbanski was thrilled with the breaks from wedding tradition.

“I had no idea my family could bring the ruckus so hard,” Urbanski beamed between sips from her champagne flute. “It got weird when Grandpa freestyled some racist stuff about BLM and QAnon instead of talking about his granddaughter’s wedding, but his flow was so raw. I really didn’t want to like it, but I couldn’t help it — I mean, everybody was nodding along so hard. Is every Jewish wedding this cool?”

During the extended vows, an unprovoked diss track directed at Carson’s Uncle Ari Menkowitz by Casey’s Uncle Troy Reitman culminated in a shaolin showdown.

“That goyim disrespected his family at the rehearsal dinner when he got seconds on chow mein without waiting for everyone else to finish their potstickers,” an incredulous Menkowitz shouted while attempting to drown his rival in a punch bowl of egg drop soup. “But pointing to me and rapping, ‘No response while I bomb your wife’s ass, you ain’t shit, your wack-ass rhymes are filled with gas’ during my nephew’s wedding was the last straw. Honor must be restored to this ceremony! Protect ya neck, Troy!”

The wedding party later retired to play PS2 games in the Knights of Columbus reception hall while Carson’s demo of “Casey Rules Everything Around Me” blared in the background.

Video Game Enemies Circulate Anonymous Spreadsheet to Share Max HP and Equipment Info

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

GRUGG’S CASTLE — In an effort to increase transparency about fair hiring practices and compensation, a group of video game enemies employed as guards at the Demon King Grugg’s castle have reportedly begun circulating an anonymous spreadsheet to disclose their max HP and equipment info, sources within the castle have confirmed.

“I can’t believe it. I’ve been guarding this stupid castle for ages and this new guy who patrols the outer wall already has 200 HP, a flaming sword, and three elixirs in his inventory,” remarked a longtime member of Grugg’s Gruesome Gang in an internal employee message board thread. “I’m a level 53 fire troll, I deserve better than this. I’m going to schedule a meeting with my manager next chance I get to negotiate some new armor and weapons for myself. So thankful to my castle family for helping me to know my worth and get what I deserve.”

A miniboss who stands guard at the halfway point of the castle declined to offer details on the ongoing internal matter, but says the Demon King strives to compensate all of his underlings fairly.

“His Awfulness King Grugg offers the standard required loadout of items and equipment to all new members of his Gruesome Gang,” said the miniboss, a giant electrified skull sitting at the middle of a roulette wheel. “Beyond that, everyone has the same opportunity to gain experience day to day if they’re willing to put in the important work of slaughtering heroes. Believe me, I started in the mailroom. I know it can be hard to climb the corporate ladder, but complaining doesn’t get anybody anywhere.”

At press time, tensions among the castle personnel had erupted after a leak of information showing that King Grugg has three different battle transformations, infinite bombs, and a staggering 9999 HP.

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Gamer Who “Plays Better While High” Has No Basis for Comparison

Posted on by Andy Holt

LOS ANGELES — Local gamer Aaron Hopper insisted that he “plays way better when he’s stoned” despite a complete lack of experience playing any other way.

“It helps me calm down and focus on the objective. If I played this game sober I’d get all tense,” said Hopper during a quick bong rip while his teammates fought off a rival squad in Call of Duty: Warzone. “Hypothetically, I mean.”

Hopper claimed marijuana also increased his effectiveness at cooking, studying, driving, cleaning, and sex, even though he had no reported experience doing any of those things without being absolutely ripped on that loud.

“Sometimes I’ll wake up in the morning and I’m not stoned, and it’s a real bummer,” said Hopper, opening his nightstand drawer to show off his edibles, vape cartridges, and joints, the most organized area of his home. “That’s what this baby is for.”

His squadmates had no basis for comparison either, but they were skeptical that cannabis had anything but a negative effect on his play.

“I’ve known Aaron for ten years, and I couldn’t tell you the first thing about what he’s like when he’s not stoned beyond belief, let alone whether he’s good at video games. That said, I don’t think he could get any worse,” said longtime friend Mollie Baxter. “Most of the time he doesn’t even seem to know what game we’re playing.”

Hopper also declared that listening to podcasts made him better at games, even though he had to rewind the episode every 30 seconds and retained none of the information.

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