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Amazon Prime Auto-Renew Patiently Waits to Ruin Woman’s Financial Plans

CHICAGO — Local hair stylist Anna Yun’s carefully budgeted plans for the month were derailed again yesterday by her Amazon Prime membership’s automatic renewal, marking the fourth year in a row that she’s forgotten to cancel the service.

“Mother fucking shit. It happened again,” Yun muttered angrily while moving money from her savings to her checking account. “One minute I’m planning out my Christmas presents for my mom, and then, bam! Bezos absolutely fucks me again. Doesn’t that bald sack of shit have enough money already? There’s no way it’s been an entire year already, right? I hope his fucking Tesla explodes.”

Many users forget when their memberships are set to renew, leaving them “fucked beyond belief” after the surprise charges, as several frustrated Amazon reviewers put it.

“I initially signed up to get free shipping on a pillow I ordered back in 2011… and I don’t know how, but the day before the renewal always slips past me, despite me insisting that I’ll definitely remember it,” said chronic Prime subscriber Darren Blank while vowing to cancel his membership as soon as possible for the ninth consecutive year. “It’s a total scam. I mean, ‘Mrs. Maisel’ was okay, but other than that, fuck this whole company. If I didn’t have my entire skincare routine and most of my food on Prime subscription plans, I’d cancel this goddamn membership today.”

For their part, Amazon insisted their policy of accidentally overdrafting thousands of users’ accounts every day is “totally not on purpose.”

“Look, we don’t want to bog down our members with pesky notifications about renewals or yearly price hikes,” said Amazon spokesperson Dana Fletcher. “We think our users would much rather hear about new episodes of our Emmy-winning original series ‘Fleabag.’ Have you watched ‘Fleabag?’ A lot of people really love ‘Fleabag.’ Surely you don’t want to cancel your membership before you plow through that in one evening, right?”

Scrambling for funds yet again, Yun is now adamant about supporting small businesses over large corporations. “These billionaire bastards aren’t getting another dime from me,” she insisted. “From now on, I’m shopping at Target.”