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Woman’s Insecurities Confirmed by Record Store’s Dollar Bin

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Music fan Laura Kesrick’s insecurities were confirmed yesterday after discovering an alarming number of favorite albums in the dollar bin of local record store Black Gold Records.

“I really didn’t need this today. Practically every one of these records had an increasingly profound impact on my life,” said the 28-year-old record collector and songwriter. “Yet each album, regardless of my appreciation or sentimental value, seems that much sadder with a $1 price tag plastered on it. How does Neil Young have this many albums, and why can I buy all of them for like, $18?”

The dollar tag has affected other customers similarly, though some have been more than willing to part with up to four quarters for another copy of Ratt’s “Out of the Cellar” or the soundtrack to “O Lucky Man.”

“I have great memories associated with a lot of these dollar records,” said emotionally steamrolled fellow customer Paula Andreas. “But now you can buy each one for about the same price of a Kit Kat, or even less if the condition is shot to shit… like my musical tastes, apparently.”

Black Gold co-owner Jeff Ogiba is proficient at detecting the moment of realization from his post behind the register.

“The last thing I want to do is be responsible for someone’s existential crisis,” said Ogiba. “But as a small business owner, it’s important to reflect a record’s value based on the demand, the market, and the condition — not if it brings back memories of singalongs on family road trips. If that was the case, Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Rumours’ would be worth a fortune. But when you consider our overhead and operating costs, it’s really just worth a buck.”

“I just want to remind customers that we have plenty of expensive records they can buy if they want to feel better about themselves,” he added.

Although Kesrick left without buying anything, she ultimately determined it was for the best, as she narrowly avoided seeing her own band’s record in the back of the same dollar bin, right behind Peter Frampton’s “Frampton Comes Alive” and Richard Simmons’ “Reach.”