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Old Spice Releases Shampoo/Body Wash/Toothpaste Combo

CINCINNATI — Old Spice announced today a new, all-in-one combination shampoo/conditioner/body wash/toothpaste, in their latest attempt to further their lead in the lower-middle-aged men’s grooming market.

“After years of evolving products to cater to the modern man, Proctor and Gamble believe Old Spice is at the forefront of what their consumers are looking for. But there’s only so much heavy lifting clever commercials can do for a brand, and we aren’t exactly selling Doritos over here,” said CEO David S. Taylor. “Fortunately, COVID-19 has many young men working from home and has rendered them even less willing to spend any time on their appearance, so we took the ‘fuck it’ approach on this one, and it’s paying off big.”

Longtime fans of the brand have taken to the product quite well, singing its praises for a multitude of reasons.

“This stuff is a game changer. I never even owned a toothbrush before this, but now I can just squirt this in my mouth, face, hair, and all over my body every morning, and I’m fresh as hell,” said avid fan Chris Brody. “Yeah, it stings when I get it in my eyes, but the bottle is designed to hold mostly water for when you run out and just need to make what’s left go a little longer, so it gets better over time. Genius!”

The Old Spice market research team worked for several months to improve the lives of more than just the people using it.

“When I’m giving a lost cause client a makeover, this is a lifesaver,” said Jonathan Van Ness, grooming expert for the Netflix show “Queer Eye.” “I just throw this bottle in their shower and call it a day. Really, they could’ve just added the word toothpaste to the bottle without changing the formula, and most men wouldn’t have even noticed.”

Not to be outdone, Axe is developing a vapable fruit-scented body spray to corner the tween market.