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We Rank the Top 5 Pixies Songs About Masturbation, We Think, We Don’t Know What These Lyrics Mean

Indie rock giants The Pixies have many classic songs about, well, we’re not sure. But what are their greatest anthems to Onanism? Those jams dedicated to self-love off one of their four classic albums? Hell if we know, their lyrics are cool and shit but we have no clue what they’re really about.

Here is our definitive ranking of Pixies songs that are about, like, jerking off, right?

5. Monkey Gone to Heaven
I mean, “monkey” is in the title, and Heaven must mean “orgasm,” right? However, it may actually be a meditation on humanity’s place within our invented metaphysical nature. The titular monkey finding themselves in heaven becomes the bridge between our animal and spiritual selves. But it could also be about jacking off, too.

4. Cactus
Okay, this has to be about pleasuring yourself, he’s talking to a woman about what he misses about her, there’s some messy imagery. I mean, the cactus has to be a phallus. It straight up must be about sexual fantasies, although maybe it’s just about how we desire platonic intimacy more than we realize.

3. Mr. Grieves
Sure Frank Black has never overtly confirmed this, but if you put the lyrics under the microscope this one only makes sense as an extremely esoteric ode to masturbation. “Pray for the man in the middle” is clearly a reference to a person’s funny-parts. With the line “You can hang from a good good rope” Black warns us against the dangers of autoerotic asphyxiation. This message is punctuated by the haunting TV On The Radio acapella version.

2. The Holiday Song
“Here I am with my hand,” is pretty clear cut. That’s totally about masturbation. No question about it. Done. But, giving it a second thought, even though it’s unquestionably about touching yourself isn’t it really speaking to lost innocence in the eyes of our elders recognizing that there is no escape from the Fall of Man, proverbially speaking.

1. Where is My Mind?
The song we all know from that scene in Fight Club when the banks are exploding, that one must be about masturbation. Sea imagery, collapsing when empty, something about heads. Totally. Or is this just more absurd, yet genius, nonsense from the mind of Frank Black?

Try this trick and spin it, indeed.