ATLANTA — Adam Hansen, the lead vocalist of death metal band Corpse Licker and best known for his flowing locks and grimly haunting aesthetic, was in downtown Atlanta yesterday wearing glasses, sparking speculation he was most likely on his way to a court date.
“They’re just glasses — they don’t mean anything aside from my eyesight being shit,” Hansen said, looking less like a dark acolyte and more like someone’s recently reformed brother-in-law. “I can’t be fucking grim and intimidating all the time. People need to let a guy remove his contacts, comb his hair a little, and wear a dress shirt and slacks downtown in peace. People think if I’m not wearing my gauntlets, then I must be going in front of a judge for another DUI charge or something… which is only sort of true. But still, mind your business.”
Longtime fans of Corpse Licker believe, however, that Hansen would not wear glasses unless absolutely necessary.
“Glasses are absolutely not brutal or kvlt and, well… Adam is one of the most brutal and kvlt vocalists out there,” said Greg Butanski, moderator of a subreddit dedicated to the band that has seen its highest ever traffic following the glasses sighting. “So like, there’s no way in hell Adam would ever wear glasses, unless he was being forced to by the fucking meat grinder that is society. He probably killed a goat in a library, or spit on a baby, or punched a cop, and now he’s in trouble with the law.”
Metal historian Jeffrey Lecher has studied the phenomena of spotting your metal heroes in public.
“The adage ‘never meet your heroes’ holds true. It’s very hard to be metal 24-7. These people are just like us, but it’s hard for fans to understand these guys have to lead a normal life at times, too,” Lecher explained. “Some wear glasses, some need inhalers, some have to buy kitty litter… it’s jarring to see them as normal citizens, and not spitting blood or cutting their chests with broken glass. Aging, losing your eyesight, and paying your debt to society isn’t very metal, but it happens.”
Compounding his controversy, Hansen’s Google search history revealed that he was also looking at high-and-tight haircut styles.