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White Power March the Most Walking Militiaman Has Ever Done

LANSING, Mich. — Far-right protesters who descended on the Michigan Capitol today arrived several hours later than scheduled, due to a gross miscalculation of just how long it takes for a largely out-of-shape militia to walk three miles, exhausted sources report.

“The government is… trying… to take away our rights… and we’re out here to tell them… ‘No Way!’” militiaman Owen Sturgess, who, like many of his fellow militiamen have not stood or walked for any extended amount of time since they were 12, said between heavily labored breaths. “The constitution explicitly states… that if I don’t like somethin’, I get… to bring a gun outside. So we’re gonna march… just like God and the founding fathers… intended. Fuck, man… how far away is this Capitol building?”

The protests, which began months ago in response to Michigan’s mask mandate, quickly drew in support from several far-right militia groups, which many believe is due to their inability to stop complaining.

“I just… whew. Gimme a sec,” began Toledo, Ohio resident Dale Kelley, sweating profusely just three blocks into the march. “I just get so sick of these politicians trying to tell hard-working Americans how to live their lives. Somehow this is also about destroying the white race too, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Shit, do we have to cross a real bridge too? Goddammit. My legs are on fire.”

Despite taking several breaks for Big Gulps and temporarily occupying the dining room of a local Carl’s Jr., the militia managed to reach the Capitol steps just before sundown, shouting several angry chants between exasperated coughs and gasps.

“We… have a voice, and we won’t… be silenced,” moaned a motionless William Berfy from a nearby patch of grass. “You’re gonna be seeing a lot more of… us… once we get out of the… hospital. Mark my words. Next time we’re gonna rent a bus, so we’ll see who’s laughing then. And you better stop calling us dorks, okay? It’s mean and we don’t like it!”

The next scheduled march has already been postponed as well due to exhaustion.