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Opinion: Oh, So When I Said “Frankenstein” and Not “the Monster” You Had No Idea What I Was Talking About

Oh my god. I am so sorry. You are right, of course! The character I am describing is in fact the MONSTER of Frankenstein, not Frankenstein! Wow, okay, I’ve got a LOT of backtracking to do now!

I must have sounded INSANE to you! Here I am referencing “Frankenstein” having bolts in his neck and throwing a little girl into a river and you’re thinking “Dr. Frankenstein? The fictional medical professional? He don’t do that.” You must have been so fucking LOST!

God, I’m so embarrassed. That must have been so CONFUSING to you! I mean, talk about cognitive whiplash! Do you need to sit down for a while? Do you want some water?

Hey, can someone get my friend here a glass of water? Room temperature please, the last thing they need is another shock!

No, no. Sit down. I insist.


It’s all dawning on me now, just what a fucking idiot I’ve been! When I was talking about how “Frankenstein” saw parallels between himself and Adam while learning to read with John Milton’s “Paradise Lost,” you must have been like, “What in the fuck could this guy possibly be talking about? Doctor Frankenstein already knows how to read, he’s a doctor! And his character is far more similar to Satan in ‘Paradise Lost’ than Adam. Wait, is he talking about The Monster?” Because that’s how fucking SMART you are! I can tell how smart you are because you deigned to say to me, “it’s actually Frankenstein’s monster. Frankenstein is the name of the doctor.”

It’s weird because I’m usually so careful about this sort of thing! See that guy over there with the fangs and the cape? I would never say something like “that guy is dressed as Dracula.” No, I would take the time to bother explaining “that man is dressed as the undead creature that the body of Count Dracula, the human man, BECAME after making his unholy pact with Satan.” Every time.

I’ll tell you who you really need to go straighten out: the people at Google! I just did a search for “Frankenstein,” you know, the doctor, and a bunch of pictures of the monster popped up! What the fuck is up with THAT? It’s as if society has collectively just decided the name Frankenstein was synonymous with the unnamed monster from Marry Shelly’s novel, “Frankenstein.” What a strange and frightening thing! Are we in the fucking Twilight Zone or WHAT?!

Thank God for you. Thank God for you and everyone like you in the world. Can you imagine a world without people like you, where it’s just a bunch of dumb happy-go-lucky shits like me going about their day thinking “Frankenstein” is the name of the monster in “Frankenstein?” That would be fucking CHAOS!

I feel like I should give you some money. I mean, here you are basically giving me a first-class education. Please, let me give you some of my money. Is there an ATM MACHINE anywhere around here? Wait WHAAAAAAT?!

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