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Tired Woman Wondering if Husband Would Mind Just Licking Her Neck, Back Tonight

CARBONDALE, Ill. — Tired wife Ruby McDermott was reportedly “not in the mood” for sexual activity this evening, instead asking her husband to just lick her neck and her back, leaving her pussy and crack completely un-tongued.

“Work has been incredibly stressful, and unfortunately it’s had some negative effects on our sex life. When my husband tried to initiate tonight, I asked if he wouldn’t mind forgoing my pussy and crack, and just focus on my neck and my back, for brevity’s sake,” said McDermott. “He didn’t pressure me, but I could tell he was disappointed.”

“To be honest, if he’d just warmed me up a bit, I might’ve gotten in the mood and started poppin’ this P,’” she added. “My crack, however, was off limits. I’m currently on a juice cleanse and the stakes are just too high.”

Husband Vincent Padilla admitted he was frustrated.

“She kept flinching anytime I went too far south, so I just licked every square inch of her neck and back for an hour like I was a momma cat grooming her kitten. My entire face hurt after five minutes, but I didn’t want to let her down,” explained Padilla with a slight lisp due to tongue cramping. “The whole thing made me really insecure. Do I do a bad job of rolling my tongue and putting my neck into it? Admittedly, slow thumpin’ til the crack of dawn isn’t as easy for me now as it was in my 20s, but I try my best.”

Relationship counselor Aimee Cordova explained that, in addition to stress, there are many external factors that may cause a woman to lose interest in “getting her back blown out.”

“A common issue is the husband asking his partner to gimme that, that, that nut. But he ignores her needs,” said Cordova. “Sure, he has no problem when she requests he put it in her motherfuckin’ mouth, but when a wife says, ‘You can eat me out, talkin’ every drip-drop, don’t you waste it,’ he’s less than enthusiastic. Bitches crave being made to moan and scream, and it’s important their partners understand this for long-term, sexually satisfying relationships.”

McDermott has reportedly since said she will make more of an effort to be a “certified freak” a minimum of three days a week.