UMTANUM, Wash. — Local single man Cameron Barrett admitted today that he’s been patiently waiting for his high school crush to get divorced so he can finally ask her on a date.
“She’s been married for like, seven years now, lives in Australia, and we haven’t spoken since freshman year, and I’m not sure she remembers me… but still, she’s the one. Trust me, I can tell,” he stated while scrolling through crush Meghan Kline’s Instagram for any indication of marital friction. “They just went to Scotland for two weeks, so, you know: long flight in close quarters? Then living in a hotel for two weeks? They definitely had an argument or two. Yeah, it’s just a matter of time. Any day now, it’s gonna be my turn, and I’ll be ready and waiting to rekindle the fire we could’ve had in 2003 if she hadn’t been dating that dude Kenny.”
Kline confirmed she is happily married and has yet to experience even a minor rough patch.
“We’ve been so lucky, my husband and I, we barely even argue. We’re legit soul mates,” Kline began, as her husband chimed in and said “like Jim and Pam” at the same time. “We’ve known each other for years and started dating after college, and honestly, I’ve never been happier in my entire life. Now, who did you say was mentioning me? Cameron what? Do you have a picture or something? I’m not sure who you’re talking about.”
Relationship psychology expert Dr. Maria Faron confirmed Barrett will be waiting a long time, if not forever.
“Oh, yeah, I studied their relationship. There’s no way Kline’s marriage is ending anytime soon,” she said, sifting through Freud’s work for the correct term for Barrett’s behavior. “He’s a classic case of what we in the industry call a ‘moron.’ The only way this marriage will ever have issues is if he initiates said issues, and even then, look at him: he’s like, 5’4 and losing his hair. Yeah… just by looking at him, I can tell, there’s no way he’s breaking up any marriages anytime soon.”
Barrett has since claimed he’s no longer awaiting the end of Kline’s marriage, as one of his several other crushes moved back to his hometown, so all efforts have been redirected towards her.