The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Aging Punk Already Maxed Out Allotted Three New Bands Per Year He’s Able to Listen To

Posted on January 2, 2022 by James Knapp

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Forty-year-old punk Dave Taverston reportedly hit his limit for new music he is physically and psychologically capable of consuming earlier this week, sources who have, like, real shit to deal with confirmed.

“I haven’t been able to be quite as adventurous as I used to be with music. There was a stretch from about age 27-37 where I didn’t listen to a single new band, I had to make a change,” explained Taverston. “My brain allows me to listen to three new bands a year, if I try to listen to more I end up getting a little overwhelmed and throwing on a podcast. So I normally try to take it real slow, but this year was different. I found a few bands that reminded me of Dropdead and just like that I was out of bandwidth.”

Friend Melanie Rainworthy detailed Taverson’s gradual progression into age-limited music consumption.

“Dave has been kinda fading out of the scene for a few years now, around the time he last refinanced the mortgage for his condo. Ever since then I rarely hear him play anything on Spotify besides the same two Get Up Kids albums he’s been listening to forever,” remarked Rainworthy, who is eleven years Taverson’s junior. “I still invite him to go out to shows all the time but he usually gets pretty tired after ‘Jeopardy’ and doesn’t wanna stay out very late. I get that it can be exhausting, but this is also the guy we used to call ‘Amphetamine Dave’ back in the day.”

Bassist for the melodic crust band Stench Line Sonata, one of the bands Taverson listened to this year, received the news of the aging punk’s selection positively.

“Man, I fucking get it. It’s rough out there for the old timers,” said bassist Ray ‘Goat Dick’ Yarmolitz. “I’m just really glad that [Taverson] decided to give our band a shot out of all the new stuff he could’ve checked out. And hell, even if he’s lying about it, at least that means he thinks we’re cool enough to impress, like, his nephew or something by dropping our name. Honestly, that’s more of the reason we got into this band in the first place.”

At press time, Taverson had already forgotten the names of all three bands and had resigned himself to listening to old Punk-O-Rama compilations instead.

Move Over, Surf Rock: 6 Other Aquatic-themed Subgenres You’ve Never Heard Of

Posted on January 1, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

Bum-bum-diddily bumbumbumbum! Remember that thrilling sound of humming, super-wet reverb from the first time you watched Pulp Fiction because some video-store guy implied you were dumb if you hadn’t? That’s surf rock, motherfucker!

A predominately instrumental rock genre that peaked in the early ‘60s when people remembered they could sing along to music, surf rock has long been associated with tremolo picking, your dad’s rare good moods, and that great big thing we call the ocean. But did you know it’s not the only hyper-specific musical subgenre to take inspiration from water? How about:

Boat Metal: One of the infinite variations in heavy metal that sprouted up in the 1980s, Boat Metal is typified by its deep tunings, growling vocals and subject matter that exclusively involves the construction, sailing technique and quality of seagoing vessels. Bands like Nautical Death, Anchors A’Slay and Dokken had a brief heyday, before the technical difficulties involved with hauling electrical equipment on open water caused a number of tragic concerts.

Hydrobilly: Considered a throwback to the earliest sounds of 20th century rock n’ roll, but wetter, hydrobilly’s most obvious characteristic is its fetishizing of 1950s naval fashion. Most fans live a lifestyle of vintage revved up motorboats, highly stylized crew cuts and a sound heavily indebted to the rhythmic sound of water sloshing back and forth. A revival in the early 2000s brought the style to a wider audience, who swiftly rejected it.

Rub-a-Dub: Less a distinctive subgenre and more an evolution of electronic experimentation, rub-a-dub was created when stoned recording engineers noticed how crazy stuff sounds when you hear it in a bathtub. Since then, the term has come to be applied to any number of remixing techniques; its consistent quality is that sound must be shaped around sitting in a semi-filled bathtub and just getting really, really high.

Dolphincore: Most known for its distinctive “EEE EEE EEE” vocal style, dolphincore is essentially a faster, more aggressive version of waterpunk. Songs like “Blowhole” “Fin Edge” and “Bottlenose Violence” reflected a more politically charged, less nihilistic ethos, while Tipper Gore’s political opposition to what was deemed “marine mammal subject matter harmful to developing minds” caused dolphincore venues to be cracked down on through the 1980s.

Amphiblues: Frog blues, son. Frog’s got them blues.

Ska: Perhaps the most famous example of these rock subgenres, most ska purists decry the recent waves of popularity that caused the original aquatic themes to be, ironically, watered down. While the original Jamaican styles of ska were rich with political activism, religious themes and a connection to the sea, mainstream acceptance has turned this once unique style into a joke. A terrible, awful, laughable joke.

Man’s Only Pair of Pants Begging for a Day Off

Posted on January 1, 2022 by Zac Lux

BUFFALO, N.Y. — A decrepit pair of jeans shook themselves fiercely in an attempt to rip themselves free of a local man’s legs as an act of protest in order to get one day of rest, stunned eyewitnesses confirm.

“For the love of God I can’t take it anymore,” gasped Paul Johnston’s only pair of pants, blue denim Levi’s that were acquired in the late ‘90s during a sale at Sears. “I used to be in shape, I had dreams. Maybe one day even experience a real-life rodeo! I don’t even remember the last time I’d been in the wash. This dumbass doesn’t think his legs sweat and he doesn’t realize how much piss splashes back from the toilet. The things I’ve seen, the sloppy dinners spilled all over me, the dates I’ve been dragged to only to witness the poor souls who somehow ended up unzipping me, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you had to experience the darkness that lay within these threads.”

When proposed with the thought of obtaining another pair of pants to balance out the usage of his Levi’s during the week, Johnston became visibly frustrated.

“These pants are more than enough. I’m not the king of fucking Monaco over here,” said Johnston while wiping his palms clean on the front of the jeans. “Besides, these are finally broken in the way I like them. It took a few decades, but they’re finally fully formed to my body. It’s damn near impossible to take ‘em off, not that I’d even want to. I even sleep with these bad boys on. You’d have to pay me thousands of dollars to take these off before I’d ever consider buying a new pair.”

Chip Bergh, President of the Company, thinks the overuse of Johnston’s pants is cause for concern.

“We pride ourselves on how long our jeans last, but nothing should last this long. Once you break in a pair of pants they’re more comfortable, sure,” said Bergh, fully clad in denim head to toe. “To continue wearing those monstrous pants makes the fibers of the garment more susceptible to hosting bacteria and directly infecting the person wearing them. Turns the host’s knee-pits into fucking cesspools of bacteria and eventually eats through the flesh. It’s rare, but it has happened before, and I’d much prefer to not have another lawsuit on our hands from some gross asshole.”

At press time, Johnston’s pants ripped themselves free, running into the sunset. Leaving a crusty nude Johnston, glistening with bacteria.

We Found the Ultimate Hangover Cure, but if You Take It, Someone You Don’t Know Will Die. Will You?

Posted on January 1, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

Good morning! Oh, right. Sorry. We know there’s nothing worse than the morning after a night out. Splitting headaches, whiskey sweats, missing work to spend half the day puking. Well lucky for you we found the ultimate hangover cure! One quick dose of this baby and you’ll be feeling like you just got a promotion, a brand new car, and a high five from a golden retriever! There’s only one problem. If you take this cure, somewhere someone you don’t know will die.

Will you do it?

Think about it. People die every day. In the few minutes it took you to vomit up that half a rack of Rolling Rock, probably like five people died. What’s one more? It’s not like it’s going to be someone in your family or a friend, or even an enemy. It’s completely neutral. Unbiased. Clean.

Sure, have another glass of water. That’s not going to do a thing for your loose bowels and splitting headache. Only our cure will.

It doesn’t make you a bad person to consider it. Maybe you need to talk it over with your partner, even though they’re still super pissed that you passed out in the driveway with your shirt off. Maybe they’d tell you that you couldn’t possibly do it and that no hangover could possibly be so bad. But we leave it completely up to you. Either one random person you don’t know dies or you feel like complete shit until noon.

Oh, but remember. Do you ever really know someone? Even your partner? Even your family? Even yourself? Choose wisely.

5 Classic ‘90s Albums That Are Turning 50 This Year Somehow

Posted on January 1, 2022 by Bobby Korec

Funny how time works. One day we’re living in the ‘90s wearing high-waisted dad jeans, watching ‘Seinfeld,’ and talking about ‘The Matrix.’ Then all of the sudden it’s 2022 and we’re still doing all that shit. Despite ‘90s trends stuck in a never-ending time loop, somehow the music of the decade seemed to age drastically overnight.

So, are you ready to feel old? Here are five classic albums from the ‘90s that are somehow celebrating their 50th anniversary this year whether it mathematically makes sense or not.

Green Day “Dookie”
Lead singer Billie Joe Armstrong was a mere 21 years old when his band’s breakthrough album debuted. According to my calculations, that would put him in his early 70s today. Sure, that may not sound right. Then again, neither does setting your clocks ahead and back during daylight savings. Time is weird like that.

Dr. Dre “The Chronic”
Feels like this album came out maybe 30 years ago tops, but unfortunately time doesn’t lie. Neither does my math on this one. Believe me, I cross-checked my work almost twice. Anyway, this album was simply iconic and I still can’t believe it came out during the Nixon administration.

Alanis Morrissette “Jagged Little Pill”
Isn’t it ironic that time seems to be moving faster than your brain can keep up? Feels like only yesterday that we as a society were questioning Alanis’ definition of the word “irony.” But here we are 50 years later completely unable to let that shit go. Time may move on, but our collective interest in correcting women publicly will never.

Rancid “…And Out Come the Wolves”
This album for sure seems like it could be their most recent one. Either time flew by at an alarming rate or I haven’t listened to a single Rancid album since this one. Now that I think about it, it’s definitely the latter. Wow, these past five decades really snuck up on me as a 30-year-old. I guess there just isn’t enough time in the day to acknowledge Rancid’s 21st century discography.

Nirvana “Nevermind”
The passage of time happens so quickly that you probably didn’t even realize that this album is celebrating its half century mark. Just think. In just a few short years this record is going to be 100 years old. Unfortunately, by that time we’ll all be dead because for some reason that’s how time works now?

International Punk Scene Fails New Year’s Resolution to Bring Down the System for 45th Year in Row

Posted on January 1, 2022 by Cathy Herbert

EARTH — Punks around the globe who are unsatisfied with oppressive global systems designed to benefit a few powerful individuals at the expense of everyone else once again failed to complete their goal of breaking humanity free of this forcibly self-maintained prison in 2021.

“It was going really well at first with all the Covid lockdown protocols keeping the corrupt capitalist economy weak,” said punk Michael “Inky” Weston who is based in Sussex, England. “But once again we couldn’t get our shit together. A bunch of punk scenes spent most of their time drinking themselves stupid, and don’t even get me started on all the crusties huffing spray paint instead of trying to collapse the banking system. And of course none of our American allies could risk losing their health coverage, so they all bought in out of self preservation.

Some punks took a more passive approach by attempting to leave society altogether, with the aim of weakening the system by not contributing to it.

“I banded together with a group of friends to live off the grid in the rainforest, but that plan fell apart when we realized that it’s basically gone at this point,” said Brazilian punk Alanza Alvez. “I mean there’s a bit but it’s protected, sort of. So we couldn’t justify going in there and taking that limited space away from wildlife who need it. In the end we just found a strip mine and squatted there for a bit until the lockdown was lifted. Then once business resumed the owners of the mines threatened us with attack dogs if we didn’t leave. We had to leave and the five of us got a one bedroom apartment to share in Rio.”

One major factor contributing to the failure of the international punk scene’s resolution to take down the system was the success of the one percent’s resolution to continue the exact same way they have been for generations.

“I’m really proud of the growth I’ve accomplished this year,” said Elliot Hanscomb III, CEO of the investment firm Dunstable Powers. “To celebrate my company moving into the Chinese sector I bought myself a platinum statue for my hedge maze. I mean just look at the detailing on those perfect teeth. It was a lot of work paying those cops to clear out that village so we could extract the necessary materials from underneath it, but in the end I think it was worth the effort.”

The international punk scene is optimistic that 2022 will be the year they finally free us from the system, as they have just stolen a brand new day planner.

Second Mom? This Woman Keeps Commenting on My Weight

Posted on December 31, 2021 by Dom Turek

I used to think the bond between a mother and daughter was a sacred truce that could be duplicated but never replicated, but that was before I met Meredith, a woman at my job whose unsolicited comments on my weight make me nostalgic for the conditional love of my own mother.

After moving to a new city for work, I was nervous about meeting people. But within months of being Meredith’s cubicle neighbor, she already felt comfortable enough to tell me it looked like my metabolism was slowing down. It’s precisely that kind of habitual boundary-stepping and gut-punch honesty that made me elevate her to second-mom status.

This new bond between us has taught me that you can pick your friends and family. If I’ve learned anything from past relationships, it’s that it’s probably good for you if it feels familiar. So even though Meredith telling me to suck in my stomach every time I walk by her desk might seem cruel and inappropriate, it reminds me of my relationship with my own mother, which is always a healthy parallel.

Despite my therapist’s waxing concern over my decision to adopt a second mom, I feel grateful to have not just one but two older women who care enough to remind me that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. I hope to pass this same dietary prowess onto my own children one day, assuming my eggs aren’t already “all dried up,” as Dr. Marjorie puts it.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a growing sense of resentment for her. Having to help Meredith reset her email password for the fourth time in two weeks after being called a fat spinster lends itself to a certain kind of rage. But what are mother-daughter relationships without some self-sacrifice and occasional tongue biting? I’m sure this quiet building anger will subside naturally once I join a gym, as Meredith suggested.

The Top 9 Albums of 2021 You Won’t Get Around to Listening to Until 2031

Posted on December 31, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

So many great albums came out this year, and while you definitely meant to listen to them all, did you? What do you think?! You still have albums you’ve been meaning to listen to from 2011, if you think 2021 is the year you’re gonna add anything new to your “music to check out” list, you’re only fooling yourself.

Still, here are 9 great albums that were released or repressed in 2021 that you’ll definitely get around to listening to by 2031, but probably not a minute sooner.

AMERICAN FOOTBALL ‘RARE SYMMETRY / FADE INTO YOU’
This is a great one for letting everyone know is “definitely on your list,” but will only reply “Ah, nah man, not yet but I hear it slaps,” when asked if you’ve taken a single minute out of the last 12 months to listen.

PORTRAYAL OF GUILT ‘CHRISTFUCKER’
Tabs, tabs, tabs — that’s exactly where this album will live throughout multiple devices in your home that you interact on every day, and that’s exactly where it will stay until you drop your phone in the toilet and have to get a new one because you thought you “would never need” AppleCare.

FROM AUTUMN TO ASHES ‘TOO BAD YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL’

This 20-year anniversary of this album’s release, so just think how excited you’ll be to celebrate 30 years of not getting around to listening to it. I mean, they say that wine gets better with age, so why wouldn’t this album? You’ll likely still be pounding Mad Dog 20/20 in 10 years anyway, so just think of this record as fortifying and getting sweeter with time.

LARS FREDERIKSON ‘TO VICTORY’
You already kind of heard part of one song from this one in a friend’s Instagram story, so honestly this one might not even make the list, you’re basically the band’s biggest fan, or can at least claim to be when one of the members dies.

CRUMBSUCKERS ‘LIFE OF DREAMS’
You have to have a road trip taking place somewhere in the next 10 years, right? So shouldn’t you have plenty of time to check this out, right? Yes, certainly. Will you? No, you have to listen to the same three Bo Burnham songs from “Inside” for a few years longer. This repress came out in ‘86 anyway so it ain’t getting any newer.

NARROW HEAD ‘SATISFACTION’
If you listened to this before two presidents from now, how would you be able to say you haven’t listened to new music since just after college, and make that detail a huge part of your entire personality? You couldn’t, so be true to you and just forget about this one entirely. You’re already doing everything you can to repress every memory since 2016 which is when this one came out, so just keep on truckin’, friend.

EDDIE VEDDER ‘LONG WAY’
You will mean to listen to this. You will even want to listen to this. Everyone is a fan of this. But you won’t. You piece of procrastinating shit. Shame on you. Now drink your milk from this saucer like a good kitty until I say you can stop. Filthy.

LAURA JANE GRACE ‘AT WAR WITH THE SILVERFISH’
You had COVID, you hit traffic, your mom died, your car died, you’re going through a breakup… how could you possibly have the time to listen to an entire new album? God, you deserve a break, don’t worry if you don’t get around to this one, our expectations of you are so low anyway we forgot we even asked you to check it out in the first place.

JOHNNY CASH ‘BEAR’S SONIC JOURNALS: JOHNNY CASH, AT THE CAROUSEL BALLROOM’
These songs are old as shit and so are you, so no one cares what you’re listening to now, and they definitely won’t in 10 years. This doesn’t officially drop until 2022, so you can feel good about getting a head start on never listening to this album, ever.

It’s Your Dad’s Grave But It’s Our Community’s Smoking Spot

Posted on December 31, 2021 by Jonah Nink

Hey bud, sorry to interrupt your kneeling sesh or whatever this, but we kind of need this spot. Sure it’s your dad’s grave and all, but it’s also the designated after school smoking spot for our community of goths of ghouls. So we kindly ask that you respect our privacy.

Your dad’s grave is a perfect smoking spot. This graveyard is right on the intersection point of two ancient ley lines, making it a hot spot of supernatural energy from the underworld. It’s also only a few blocks from the gas station and has a nice view of the retention pond. In other words, you should be flattered.

We don’t just smoke here either. Poetry slams, Wicca rituals, Edgar Allen Poe readings; you name it, we’ve done it, all on top of your dad’s grave. And that’s not even counting all of the handjobs. So to say we just come here to smoke during class is actually really reductive.

Since you’re here, I’d like to ask that you stop leaving flowers and photos of him everywhere. We shouldn’t have to always clean up after you.

When you say stuff like “don’t balance your skateboard on the headstone” or “stop flicking your cigarette butts into the rose pot,” or “leave,” you’re basically disregarding our entire community. The Starbucks is always packed, and the YMCA is out of the question, so we don’t have anywhere else to go. Don’t even think about suggesting we go to the mall either because we’re not mall goths. We’re graveyard/underneath the bleachers/Culver’s goths, and I’m shocked you’d even compare us to those food-court skulking posers.

I didn’t know your dad, but if a group of enigmatic youths like us asked if they could use his grave as a space for their dark congregation, I bet he’d say “fuck yeah, dude. Totes.”

Not once did we say you aren’t invited to smoke with us, but you’re going to need a wardrobe change first. That single white rose you’re holding is a good start since it’s metal as fuck. Swap the GAP hoodie and adult Sketchers for a dusk trench coat and gas mask and you’ll be all set. I think I have some extra eye shadow on me now, but you’re going to need to stop crying.

Practical Anarcho-Punk Figures They’ll Start by Overthrowing Local Government First and Then Work Their Way Up

Posted on December 31, 2021 by James Knapp

WORCESTER, Mass. — Punk and self-described “downfall of the establishment” Lyle Ponsinon recently made the decision to focus on ensuring the collapse of small, local systems of oppression for the time being, with the eventual goal of dismantling the highest levels of government, pragmatic sources confirmed.

“This so-called government of the people is nothing but a bunch of exploitative, imperialist fatcats that should be eradicated for the good of humanity, but, like, that’s gonna be a lotta work, man. Right now I’m just trying to get the Fire Marshall’s budget cut and see if I can scare some Selectmen into resigning,” explained Ponsinon. “I definitely want to bring down the whole system eventually, but considering that my petition to fire the county comptroller got no support, it could be weeks or even months before I can reduce the United States government to rubble.”

Gary Tislane, Worcester’s deputy mayor, expressed confused concern regarding Ponsinon’s locally-focused anarchism.

“I don’t appreciate what this young troublemaker is trying to do. Actually, I don’t really understand what it is, but even if I did I wouldn’t like it. Local government is the bedrock of this republic. The people need us to lead and provide for them,” said Tislane moments before approving another pay raise for himself. “Without elected officials like me, who would do all the very important assistant mayor duties I do? You really think this Ponsinon character is gonna symbolically break ground on the new Dunkin’ himself? That’s what local government is for.”

Professor of political science Herbert Thune explained the applications of anarchism in actual practice.

“Anarchism rejects authority at all levels, so yeah, I guess that technically includes the district school board as a totalitarian infrastructure,” said Thune. “It’s never quite as black and white in reality as it is in theory. The balance of communal cooperation and individual freedom is inherently complicated and every anarchist has their own views, which is why, as a philosophy, it’s ultimately ineffectual. Even so, if someone were to want to dismantle the entirety of the American political behemoth, then yeah, it’s probably best to start with the public works director or like a dog catcher and go from there.”

Friends of Ponsinon were alarmed to learn he was preparing to mail letter bombs to the “front line defender of the fascist autocrats,” the eighty-year-old security guy at the county clerk’s office.

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