The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Until I Started Listening to PUP, I Had No Idea Canadians Also Thought Stuff Was Bullshit

Posted on December 27, 2021 by Aidan Sears

One of the most powerful things about music is its ability to connect us with distant cultures. It’s amazing how much you can learn about a people by listening to how their musicians express themselves through song. Recently I was introduced to a band called “PUP” (aww) from a strange, cold land known as “Canada.” I was astonished at how much this band taught me about the noble Canadian people, notably that they too think stuff is bullshit and that everything sucks.

I couldn’t believe it at first. I thought believing that shit is terrible and that life generally sucks ass was a cultural phenomenon confined to people from Pennsylvania and certain parts of Ohio. What sort of bullshit could there possibly be in Canada? Healthcare? Hockey? A third thing I can’t think of because I don’t know anything about Canada? But the more I listened to PUP, the more it became clear. Despite the fact that these guys spoke Canadian, I could understand them perfectly. And good news, shit is apparently terrible everywhere!

That’s not all PUP taught me. While commiserating about bullshit and how fucking stupid it all is, Canadians also sometimes partake in drinking beer. My people also drink beer! It got me thinking that maybe, one day, I could have a beer with someone from Canada. Not long ago I would have thought it was a preposterous idea but now I’m committed to making it happen if I ever make the journey to Toronto.

PUP also taught me about Toronto.

I would like to thank PUP for expanding my musical tastes and fixing my cultural myopia. Because if there’s one thing that music can teach us all, it’s that people are pissed off everywhere.

Venue Strikes Gold with Booth that Sells Photos of Audience Members in Mosh Pit

Posted on December 27, 2021 by Peter Woods

TULSA, Okla. — Local venue owner Michelle Kirk reportedly doubled her gross income by installing a new booth that sells photos of audience members actively dancing in the mosh pit, ecstatic customers confirmed.

“I can’t believe how well this thing has done. I sell them for $10 a piece and it’s just some photo paper with The Outback Snakehouse logo on there,” said Kirk while designing a variety of fun borders for the photos. “We are absolutely making bank and I didn’t think we would sell a single photo. Really, we just installed the booth so people would use the north exit that’s right next to the vending machine. Figured some of these kids would want to grab a Three Musketeers before they left, but apparently, they want these goofy photos too. After every band there is a line that bends around the merch table with people wanting to buy another photo.”

“I guess leaving with a framed keepsake is still better than buying a shitty demo tape you’ll never listen to, huh?” added Kirk.

Audience members aren’t the only ones excited about the new booth.

“I absolutely love it. I’d buy every single photo of people going nuts during our band if I could afford it,” said Tammy Combs, drummer for Oklahoma City pornogrind band Cock Distance. “Every single time we play out of town nobody ever shows up, so this is just proof that we had at least 26 paying customers show up. It sucks that I didn’t get any pictures with me in them to post on our Gram, but it’s worth the trade-off.

However, not everyone who has encountered the booth is a fan.

“That booth is absolutely ruining hardcore and it’s ruining this scene,” said local music fan Tina Frazier. “Kids keep showing up to these shows and jumping in the pit with toothbrushes and newspapers and shit so they can get some goofy picture of themselves at the exact right moment. I mean, they were doing that before and it was fine, but now that they are doing it for the photo it’s stupid.”

Kirk has already announced plans to expand on the booth with the help of Shining Star Studios, a local photography business known for their prom photos, to take photos of audience members’ outfits before this weekend’s shows.

Raccoon Can’t Believe Someone Would Throw Away Perfectly Good Trash

Posted on December 26, 2021 by Bobby Korec

BEACON, N.Y. — A local raccoon known around the neighborhood simply as “that thing in the yard” could not believe someone would throw away a pile of perfectly good garbage, sources who tried to shoo him away with a broom confirmed.

“Fuckin’ A! Look at all these rare finds in here,” said the raccoon while swimming among the trash as if he was Scrooge McDuck doing laps in a pool of his own money. “I’m talking rotten banana peels, maggot-filled meat chunks, and marinara-stained napkins. Total jackpot! This is like eating at one of those fine dining restaurant dumpsters. Seriously, if these guys had any clue what sort of gems they had on their hands they would’ve never thrown it all away. Really glad I moved to the suburbs when I did. City trash can be absolute garbage sometimes.”

Neighbors were none too pleased to have some varmint rummaging around their personal trash can.

“Not in my backyard he doesn’t,” said Anthony Kremer while discreetly peeking through the blinds to see if the critter was still rifling through his rubbish. “If he wants to eat straight up garbage like some sort of animal then he needs to do it elsewhere. I mean, what if it has rabies? Or even worse, COVID? It could be out there right now spreading a deadly virus to all the innocent squirrels and chipmunks who would never dare disrupt the sanctity of a man’s garbage. Honestly, I’m thinking about calling animal control. I just can’t stand the thought of anything other than me enjoying my hard-earned trash.”

Experts noted that the raccoon is just doing what feels natural.

“These creatures exemplify the ‘one man’s trash is another animal’s treasure’ motto,” said Jane Druin, backyard wildlife expert. “Raccoons are one of the few ‘zero waste’ species on earth. They naturally take a holistic approach to address the problem of unsustainable waste and should probably be commended for their contributions to the community. Instead, they have small rocks hurled at them, BB guns pointed at them, and are sometimes offered a small handful of cat food from an unsupervised child, at best.”

At press time, the raccoon could not believe his luck when he stumbled upon an Olive Garden dumpster that offered seemingly unlimited moldy breadsticks.

Librarians Break Kneecaps of Homeowner who Installed Little Free Library

Posted on December 26, 2021 by Patrick Coyne

COLLINGSWOOD, N.J. — A local gang of librarians are accused of assaulting homeowner Jessica Wheatley over the installation of a “little free library” on her front lawn.

“I just thought it’d be a nice way to connect with my neighbors and share some of my old books. What I didn’t expect was a gaggle of blue hairs wearing chained bifocals busting up my twee little book depository with a Louisville Slugger,” said Wheatley. “Naturally, I ran out and asked them what the hell they were doing, but that’s when the big lady screamed “you fucked with the wrong civil servants, motherfucker” before they held me down and took turns wailing on my kneecaps with a leatherbound copy of ‘The Brothers Karamazov.’”

Although feigning sympathy, local librarian Adeline Amato was adamant that these accusations are false.

“I don’t know nothin’ about that. As I hear it she had a fall trying to grab a book from the top shelf of a rolling library ladder. All I knows is, people that pay off their late fees and don’t try to horn in on our business ain’t got nothin’ to worry about,” said Amato. “But this idea that us librarians are nothin’ but violent thugs is a hurtful stereotype. You might not like hearin’ this, but neighborhoods need us for protection. Primarily protection from illiteracy. Plus, as a place for homeless people to go number two. Me personally? I don’t wanna hurt nobody. But Evelyn standing menacingly behind me here? She’d love nothing more than to see you sleeping with the microfiches, capisce?

Investigative reporter Kyle Schwyberg claimed to have recently infiltrated “La Libra Nostra,” aka the “Librarian Mafia.”

“For over three years I had gone undercover as a 67-year-old retired teaching assistant volunteering to help this so-called ‘Librarian Mafia’ digitize their periodicals. What I found was shocking,” said Schwyberg. “Apparently, their illicit operation is funded by a street tax that they collect under threat of fine or jail time. And they’re not even the only gang in time. There’s the sanitation worker mob, the firefighter mob, and who could forget those cruel sons of bitches in the public school teacher syndicate.”

Sadly, Schwyberg has gone missing since this interview, however, detectives may have found one of the reporter’s fingers within the local library’s Dewey decimal system, filed under “R” for “rat.”

Nice FJällräven Backpack, Name Three Fjords You’ve Traversed

Posted on December 26, 2021 by Ben Friedman

Hey friend. I couldn’t help but notice that sweet, cherry red Fjällräven backpack you’re wearing. Nice to meet a fellow lover of the outdoors! I assume you’re on your way to train for this year’s dog sledding polar excursion. Oh, you’re not? Of course, you seem like more of a “trek to Abisko” kinda woman. Wait, what do you mean you just use your bag for books?

You must have been on one multi-Scandinavian excursion in your lifetime, right? Listen, if you’re going to wear that bag around with any integrity I’m going to need you to name three fjords you’ve traversed right now.

I’ll even give you partial credit if you can name just one majestic fjord. And don’t say the Sognefjord. That’s like the Beatles of elongated seas.

I can’t believe you’re just traipsing around campus without the slightest bit of reverence for what’s slung over your shoulder. Do you have any idea what it’s like to swim through bracing Nordic glacier water with nothing but your wits and a pair of $500 waterproof pants? I bet you don’t even wax your backpack.

One time my dad’s helicopter flew me into the Narvikfjellet ski resort, which is above the arctic circle, but my room wasn’t ready. I had to survive for two hours on nothing but my triple-down expedition jacket and a bag full of elk jerky. We may have the same Fjällräven backpack but we are not the same.

Listen, it’s fine that you got your little entry-level backpack because you liked the logo, but you have to understand that these are for people who take the outdoors seriously. You’re treading pretty close to stealing hiker valor.

Tell you what, once you’ve hiked 30 miles to the edge of a cliff overlooking Norway’s impeccable landscapes, then you’ll have earned the right to don mid-luxury travelware you clearly picked up at the mall on a whim. Sorry, what? Oh yeah, well of course I know Fjällräven is actually from Sweden. I just prefer Norwegian fjords.

Band Transforms Into Supergroup After All Members Bit By Same Radioactive Spider

Posted on December 26, 2021 by Bobby Korec

NEW YORK — Local punk band Horny Horny Hippos magically transformed into a supergroup when a spider living in their practice space turned radioactive and bit each member, sources who vowed to use their powers for good confirmed.

“It must’ve bitten each of us during our monthly band-only sleepover at the space,” said the group’s singer Carter Perkinson before checking WebMD for any other cool side effects of insect bites. “I could feel a superhuman change as soon as it bit into my thigh. I’m now capable of swinging from venue rafters like it’s nothing. Our guitarist acquired heightened senses and can now kind of feel when a party doesn’t want him to play ‘Wonderwall’ on acoustic guitar. And our bass player finally has the strength to use his pinky to hold down a string. Simply incredible. Regardless, we must always remember that with great power comes great responsibility and to use it to get laid.”

Other bands in the scene were none too pleased with their transformation.

“They must be stopped at all costs,” said arch nemesis and rival band Doctor Death. “Ever since that fateful night they’ve been sanctimonious and cringey as shit. They keep talking about ‘saving the scene from bad guys’ and at their last show they wore silly skin-tight costumes as a gimmick. I just didn’t have the heart to tell them that those spider bites looks very infected and they probably need to see a doctor. Last I checked, your skin isn’t supposed to rot off. All that savior stuff is in their heads.”

Music experts are well-aware of the strange situations that often lead up to forming a supergroup.

“Every supergroup has an outlandish origin story that delights fans to no end,” said music historian Kate Ralingford. “Audioslave became who they were after all members were accidentally exposed to gamma rays. Each member of Temple of the Dog was deemed ‘the chosen one’ by some unknown entity. And the Traveling Wilburys actually formed after members discovered that they had all simultaneously constructed caves beneath their mansions to park their custom-built cars and just so happened to be really into bats. What are the chances?”

At press time, the band was disappointed to read a review that criticized their live performance by saying “supergroup shows aren’t real shows.”

Top 10 Hallmark Christmas Movies

Posted on December 25, 2021 by Ben Friedman

Christmas is right around the corner, and we all know what that means: An uncomfortably voluminous amount of new holiday movies from the Hallmark Channel. Though many of these movies tend to blend together with similar storylines and casts, we’ve picked out ten of the best ones to help you get in the holiday spirit.

The Christmas Bus

Santa decides it’s time to take his workshop on the road, and deploys the magical Christmas bus to spread holiday cheer throughout the American Southwest. But when a grinchy Pep Boys mechanic rigs the bus to explode if the elves make less than 50 toys an hour, can Santa and the disillusioned hitchhiker he picked up earlier save the day? The 15 minute scene of driving in absolute silence after Santa admits to fucking around on Mrs. Claus is the ultimate holiday mood setter.

Christmas in July

Former cynical lawyer Amanda Smulders left her old life and six figure salary back in New York last Christmas after falling in love with the mountain town of Noel. But several months later the townsfolk are still hanging up tinsel, singing carols, and lavishing praise upon Nick, the owner of the town’s largest factory and a man inhabitants believe is the literal Santa Claus. Can Amanda escape the cultists and make it back to civilization?

Die Hard

This shot for shot remake of the infallible 1988 classic may look a little different as they change Nakatomi Plaza to a Community Youth Center. But the change of production quality and soap opera cast doesn’t diminish any of the heart stopping, high tension action. Yippie-kay-yay, Christmas lovers!

A Proud Boy Christmas

Terminally single bachelor Frank Gibbons is stuck in a routine of eating chicken tenders in his mother’s basement every Christmas. That is until one night when he’s visited by the three spirits of Jordan Peterson, Alex Jones, and Joe Rogan to show him that he’s single because of liberal immigrant feminists, and not because he’s a miserable toxic piece of shit. Just be forewarned viewers, this is a musical.

Deck the Halls with Single Dads

Marketing wiz Kelly Sanders returns to her hometown for the first time in ten years only to discover all of her high school boyfriends are now handsome single dads whose wives left them for their dream jobs in Paris. Kelly might just rekindle a flame or three in the days leading up to the town’s big Christmas tree lighting. Make sure you prepare yourself for the emotional climax when dozens of her ex-boyfriends’ overly attached children clamor and beg for her to become their new mommy, accidentally killing the protagonist via suffocation.

A Wish for Christmas 2: The Wishening

Lacey Chabert returns as Sara Shaw in the sequel to her 2016 hit, but this time around the stakes are much higher. After bulldozing her way to the top of the corporate ladder powered by her Christmas wish, she finds that her fledgling intern has also asked a Salvation Army Santa for the courage to be more outspoken. Not to be overthrown, Sara engages her potential usuper in an intense Christmas wish-off. There can only be one!

A Viscount for Christmas

Hotel maid Mackenzie Smith has her life turned upside down when she’s asked to become the personal assistant to the second cousin of the prince of the sovereign nation of Waldovia. While they do not get along at first, both Mackenzie and the Viscount realize that anything is possible during Christmas, even falling in love. But can she overlook the fact that his name was found in Jeffery Epstein’s flight logs?

Christmas in the Clink

As mandated by the state of California’s parole board, Lori Loughlin was legally obligated to star in this film as rich mom Laura Laughlin, who uses her money and privilege to get her untalented daughter into the most prestigious baking school in the country. But when an undercover FBI agent (who also happens to be Santa’s son) catches wind of the scheme, he tries to help show them both that with a little Christmas magic anything is possible. They end up in jail anyway.

All I Want for Christmas is Jew

Hallmark Channel finally answers the age old question: what the fuck is Hannukah? The male lead spends ⅔ of the film’s runtime exhaustively explaining what the holiday means to a woman who has clearly never met Jewish person before. Religious differences are put aside when both of their families agree that the most important things in life are getting married, having kids, never moving away from family, and baking holiday cookies.

Godzilla vs. Cameron Candace Bure

After ingesting some radioactive confections at her family’s cookie factory, Hallmark movie staple Cameron Candace Bure develops some kaiju sized Christmas spirit. Her new power awakens the mighty Godzilla from his slumber, and he travels to the town of Snowville to lay the smackdown on Bure and defend his title as the “King of All Monsters”. Full House alum Jodie Sweetin also joins the fray as the voice of Mothra!

We Ranked the Top Metal Albums of 2021 per Subgenre, and We Just Made Some up To See if You Could Spot the Difference

Posted on December 25, 2021 by Matt McInerney

Metal is all about precision. The meticulousness of a face-melting solo, the accuracy of a complex repeated riff. The exactness of a relentless blast beat. And, most importantly, the VERY SPECIFIC words you must use to describe bands in the genre so metalheads don’t yell at you on the internet.

Below are the best metal albums from all of our favorite subgenres this year. Oh, and we made some up because, honestly, no one can tell the fucking difference anyway.

Mathcore/Deathgrind/Powerviolence Album of the Year
Pupil Slicer “Mirrors”
You all know we had to put a Powerviolence album on this list. The problem is, like any good fan, we haven’t heard a new Powerviolence band since 1997. So we just Googled it and tried to find a band with a savage name. And Pupil Slicer is a pretty fucking metal name. Oh also, their Facebook says they’re Mathcore and Deathgrind so they were perfect for the category.

Dianetic Prog Metal Album of the Year
Wall of Fire “The Galactic Confederacy”
This space opera concept album takes us through the story of Xenu, the tyrant ruler, and his journey to Earth. This symphonic soundscape weaves through tracks like “A Thousand Volcanoes Detonated by Hydrogen Bombs” and “The Electronic Ribbon Vacuum Zone” in an attempt to bolster the teachings of noted suer, L. Ron Hubbard. This is the perfect soundtrack for isolating your body thetans. Also for fans of Coheed and Cambria.

Brutal Death Metal Album of the Year
Cannibal Corpse “Violence Unimagined”
Here’s the deal: They made another rad death metal album. If you like this sort of thing, you’ll love it. But can we talk about the album art for a second? Fucking BOO! It’s just some scary blood teeth. What, no skeleton dissecting another gutted skeleton? No bloody demon eating itself? No weird torture devices? This belongs on a kid’s lunchbox.

Unmanned Drone Metal Album of the Year
Frigid Air “Flowing Cold”
The ambient sounds of Frigid Air’s debut album are almost inhuman. A near mechanical precision pervades this atmospheric soundscape. On the track “Serial Number Q3B011001738” an everpresent low and slow hum builds to a tiny crescendo, and then it’s gone like it was never there at all. This mysterious band lists no members in the liner notes, just a list of obscure gear that doesn’t show one identifiable brand of guitar or pedal. A true drone gem.

Metalcore/Fashioncore Album of the Year
The Devil Wears Prada “ZII”
The kings are back! Get ready Hot Topic, because as things open back up we’re coming for your guyliner and chain necklaces. Because TDWP has dropped yet another banger. Wait a minute? They don’t look like that anymore? Why are they wearing sweaters? Probably ’cause the world’s so cold.

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Weird Family Opens Presents Sober

Posted on December 25, 2021 by Nick Ortolani

GARY, Ind. — Cass Pollard was shocked this Christmas to discover that their partner’s family apparently opens Christmas presents stone-cold sober the entire time, sources close to the family confirmed.

“I got worried when I couldn’t smell Mark’s dad when he opened the door,” remarked Pollard with terrified confusion. “I kept thinking they maybe all had to work later in the day, but I guess they just…like each other? And they’re not a sober family, they just happened to not be completely shitfaced in each other’s company on Christmas. My family won’t even brush their teeth Christmas morning without chasing their Listerine with whiskey. It was like spending the holidays with a screen-saver.”

Individuals on the scene at the time were unaware they were involved in a bizarre incident.

“I thought everyone did this,” commented Pollard’s partner, Mark DeCoda. “I know all families are different, but I thought this was just like all of those other classic Christmas traditions, like snow jousting or graverobbing. It’s been this way since I was a kid. We’d bury ourselves in our sleeping holes the night before so that Santa couldn’t smell us, then wake up and try to collect as much of Santa’s DNA as possible. Call me old-fashioned, but if that’s considered weird then color me strange, I guess.”

“Maybe it’s that Cass and I are from different religions; they were raised Baptist, and I was raised Southern Baptist. It’s a real shame they’re going to Hell for this,” he added.

Experts have struggled for years to decipher this odd phenomena, which seems to have proliferated in the past decade.

“We call it Hallmark Syndrome,” explained Dr. Lita Chang, a psychologist and author of the book ‘You’re Killing Your Father: A Guide To Thanksgiving Yelling.’ “It’s a delusion shared by an individual or a group that Christmas is something special and pure as opposed to a consumerist nightmare hellbent on turning families into packs of feral hogs. It begins with sobriety but mutates into the belief that a big–city gal can return to her hometown and discover the true meaning of Christmas from some barn hunk. My best recommendation is to stock up on spite for the holiday, maybe by visiting a retail store and watching rich people shop on the 23rd.”

At press time, the DeCoda’s had yet to open their presents after making the ludicrous claim that Christmas isn’t about gifts.

5 More Family Members I Hope a Reindeer Tramples Now That Grandma’s Out of the Way

Posted on December 25, 2021 by Ed Saincome

Success! My grandma got run over in a freak reindeer accident which puts me one step closer to my family’s fortune. Look, I’m just an innocent spectator in the game of lies and treachery that is my family and our internal battle for supremacy. I would never get involved. And, yes, I did see grandma’s will. And also, yes, I was a bit enraged by what I saw. But whatever, I’m over it. Anyway, here’s a list of 5 family members who I hope also get mysteriously trampled, in no particular order. Wait, no. This is in a very particular order:

Lance (brother)
Man, this guy was so fucking cool when we were kids. Losing Lance would be rough. Then again, he’s been insufferable ever since coming home after his freshman year at Sarah Lawrence. Now he thinks he can act like a know-it-all snob. Who does he think he is? Me?! Now that I think about it, I can’t wait to see him trapped under Dasher’s hooves.

Chelsea (Lance’s fiancé)
How in the fuck was Chelsea above me on the God damn will?! She may not be blood but her blood will run as red as the nose of the reindeer that runs her over.

John (cousin)
John is from Philly so he pronounces his name like “Jawn.” Shouldn’t that disqualify him from our family’s riches? Doesn’t matter. He’ll be “disqualified” on one foggy Christmas eve when my reindeer guy comes to town. Better put down that cheesesteak and start running, Jawn!

Kenneth (uncle)
Me and uncle Ken have no beef. This one is purely professional. I’m gonna tip my reindeer guy double after this “accident.”

Steve (stepdad)
I’ve spent the last nine years telling Steve he’s not my real dad, but that doesn’t stop him from standing between me and my real family’s fortune. Once me and my flock of murderous reindeer have cleared this final hurdle, I will be the sole benefactor of the $1,200 in grandma’s checking account.